At a stalemate - need advice / encouragement

[FindingRest]

Hi everyone. I just joined this forum today - forgive me if I mess up on etiquette.

My husband and I have been married for two years. It has been an awfully tumultuous two years, and recently it felt to me like we were turning a corner. From the beginning of our marriage we have fought like cats - mostly because of me. I have had a very short fuse with him, which I can’t really explain because I don’t express a lot of anger toward anyone else in my life, but nonetheless. I have been in therapy consistently and I am able to recognize some substantial changes in my ability to recognize my emotions and determine healthier ways of response. I still fail at this often, but compared to where I was two years ago, it’s a big change.

My husband was very gracious toward me with this for about a year. He forgave me often and I learned how to take responsibility for my actions and apologize. Lately, though, he has not been so patient. Any time I communicate what I perceive to be the slightest amount of attitude, it is met with what I perceive to be rage from him. I often then respond back with rage which of course escalates the conflict. We will often discuss the events after they happen and can never agree on the true happenings and how one person communicated or responded.

We went to marital counseling in the fall of 2017. We went to four sessions. Our counselor suggested that we begin individual counseling combined with marital, so we did that. I started seeing my own therapist and my husband went to an individual session with our therapist. Then he quit and said counseling doesn’t help him, will never help him, and it’s a waste of money for marriage counseling too. So I have kept going on my own but he refuses to go.

My husband also suffers from chronic pain & depression, which can exacerbate some of our issues. I have encouraged him to talk to a therapist about these things too, but again, he refuses. He also will not go with me to workshops or marriage seminars put on by the church.

Right now we are not speaking. He approached me about a week ago after a big fight we had a few days earlier, wanting to talk. I told him I did not know what there was to talk about; we don’t agree on anything. He blames me for every conflict, every argument, ever problem in our marriage. He has said numerous times that if it were not for me we would not fight in our marriage. To me that just signals his deep misunderstanding of his contributions to our dynamic, and of the way he hurts me. He mentioned separation and divorce. I have always maintained that I don’t want to separate or divorce. He brings the topic up often.

So I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to handle this situation. Typically, I feel very convicted by the Holy Spirit regarding the ways I have sinned against my husband in the fight and I go to him and repent and apologize and ask for forgiveness. He rarely apologizes to me. I do recognize where I went wrong in our conflict, in our marriage, but I do not want to continue through the same cycles. If my husband refuses to take responsibility for his actions, what am I supposed to do?

He will not go to a counselor with me; he will not go to a counselor by himself; he will not take responsibility and maintains that all of our problems are my fault and I am hopeless. He is not actively pursuing the Lord at all, and hasn’t in years. I am in therapy, I am pressing in to my faith and spiritual growth and think I have grown a lot...I don’t know what more I can do.

I am caught between feeling there must be something I can and should be doing to save my marriage, and feeling like there is nothing more I can do.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

Love is a choice and not an emotion. Read the definition of love you get to places where it says love endures all things and bares all things and love never fails. Our emotions lie to us and convince us to stick up for our rights and to point out when we are treated unfairly and call out when we are offended. These are actually honest emotions but they are certainly rooted in the things of the flesh. The Spirit wars against the flesh and a good place to start would be to clean the slate and recommit your self to the marriage and each other and put the LORD 1st. the things in the past have to be buried and not brought up again we need to forgive one another just as Christ has forgiven us.
Compare your emotional responses that stir up the pot to James when he compares worldly wisdom with spiritual wisdom.
3 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. 15 This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. 16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. 17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. 18 Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

You must start by repenting on your own and praying your husband will follow suit. The peace and willingness to yield James talks about takes the power of the Holy Spirit to live like that. Recognize as Romans 8 talks about For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. 6 For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. 7 Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. 8 So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

You can only solve your half of the equation but your husband will notice a change in you when you recognize how carnal you have been and your wisdom has been quite worldly. A root of bitterness has sprung up and you must resolve to be broken before God and take every thought to Jesus . The laws of reaping and sowing are all throughout life and you are reaping a season of discontent in your home. You can start pulling weeds and sowing good seed and if you persevere you will reap of the good harvest. Ill pray for you and your marriage.

 

[tall73]

Hi everyone. I just joined this forum today - forgive me if I mess up on etiquette.

My husband and I have been married for two years. It has been an awfully tumultuous two years, and recently it felt to me like we were turning a corner. From the beginning of our marriage we have fought like cats - mostly because of me. I have had a very short fuse with him, which I can’t really explain because I don’t express a lot of anger toward anyone else in my life, but nonetheless. I have been in therapy consistently and I am able to recognize some substantial changes in my ability to recognize my emotions and determine healthier ways of response. I still fail at this often, but compared to where I was two years ago, it’s a big change.

What issues do you fight over? Are there certain triggers?

What measures have you taken for healthier responses?

My husband was very gracious toward me with this for about a year. He forgave me often and I learned how to take responsibility for my actions and apologize. Lately, though, he has not been so patient. Any time I communicate what I perceive to be the slightest amount of attitude, it is met with what I perceive to be rage from him. I often then respond back with rage which of course escalates the conflict. We will often discuss the events after they happen and can never agree on the true happenings and how one person communicated or responded.

Some couples benefit from discussing a set of rules when one or the other realizes a fight is beginning. Generally one would give a signal, usually a non-verbal hand signal that has been agreed upon, that either one can offer at the start of a disagreement. It is a reminder to engage in agreed upon rules of the discussion. In other words, if one or the other starts yelling or getting upset, one of you performs the signal. The signal is non-verbal so it is not yelling. It is a quiet way of asking for de-escalation. Then you carry out the discussion in the agreed upon method. Usually this would mean sitting down at a table facing each other. Once at the table both should be careful not to yell. Each then states their reason for disagreement, and then talk it through. If one of you starts to yell while at the table, the other should say nothing and again give the signal. Do not talk when you are giving the signal. It is a non-verbal way to say that you want to have a calm discussion. Again, you both have to agree to this going forward for it to work, in a time when you are not fighting over anything.

It is common when you are both yelling to not recall everything the same, and to say hurtful things. This is of course destructive to both of you, and it sounds like he is at the point where he cannot deal with that any longer, so he is talking about breaking up. If he is now going immediately into a rage perhaps it is because he knows it will go to yelling anyway and he wants to be so overwhelming that maybe you will back down, because he doesn't have the energy left for long fights. What you need is a consistent way to break that cycle. Some find this signal method works.

Another thing you can do is after you give the signal use one of those voice recorders or your smart phone to record the conversation. People are usually calmer when they realize that what they are saying is being recorded. And if you do have to play it back due to accusations of what one said or the other then you usually are both embarrassed by the sound of it, which helps you gain perspective on what you are doing.


If you can both learn to have more constructive conversations going forward you may not need to do this forever. But it could be an option for helping to work through these issues for a time while you are working on the relationship.

 

[mkgal1]

I'm sorry for what you've been going through....what *should* have been a joyful time in your marriage. It really sounds as if you have a clear and level-headed discernment as to what you've contributed (and are not taking on the guilt from his false accusations ). This is what stands out to me in your post:

From the beginning of our marriage we have fought like cats - mostly because of me

I have had a very short fuse with him, which I can’t really explain because I don’t express a lot of anger toward anyone else in my life

My husband was very gracious toward me with this for about a year. He forgave me often and I learned how to take responsibility for my actions and apologize

Lately, though, he has not been so patient.

Any time I communicate what I perceive to be the slightest amount of attitude, it is met with what I perceive to be rage from him

Then he quit and said counseling doesn’t help him, will never help him, and it’s a waste of money for marriage counseling too. So I have kept going on my own but he refuses to go.

He blames me for every conflict, every argument, ever problem in our marriage.

These are the tell-tale signs of someone with an abusive mindset. He knows how to be patient and forgiving towards your "weakness" (he demonstrated that for a year, you wrote). That's often a "hook"....a way to draw a person in (simultaneously making them feel they aren't "worthy" of this generous "love")......then, when they-the manipulators-believe it's safe, they show their true colors.

Most counselors work from the perspective that both spouses (or any other relation you're discussing) have a healthy framework of what a relationship is. It's a whole different thing dealing with someone with an abusive mindset.

I'd recommend reading up on abuse. Lundy Bancroft has excellent books of the topic. Another thing you may want to read is just this review on Amazon on another book, here (can you relate to any of this?):

This book validated for me what I am going through with my husband. I believe everyone has passive aggressive behaviors, but some people purposefully use PA to control or manipulate others for a host of reasons, and basically make a lifestyle of it. My husband does not act this way to other people usually- just toward me. I highly recommend reading this book if you are thinking this could be the issue in your relationship-read it before you go to counseling. It will give you something to suggest to the counselor and help keep you from wasting time. Beware of going into counseling with a PA partner as a couple. He will lie, say half-truths ect in the room, YOU will be the one getting upset (read downright disgusted and mad) and then he will turn around and blame YOU and say, 'see I told you she is emotional and angry all the time'! All the while he will maintain perfect composure and seem so sweet and caring, saying 'we're only here to help you sweetheart!'. That is what a PA does! The book does go into some detail on handling the PA relationship and how your own actions (read- RE-actions) may be helping to enable him in the behavior. Author says that three type of personalities may help to enable the PA without the other partner realizing. The Victim, The Manager and The Rescuer. I do see myself as a little of all three maybe, but definitely the last two~https://www.amazon.com/Living-Passi...&keywords=living+with+a+passive+agressive+man

​

And, please, surround yourself with a few people you can trust and build for yourself some support.

This site may be helpful (but be careful about your online interactions. Don't leave traces for him to see your history or he may get enraged--possibly dangerous):Home - Leslie Vernick- Christ-Centered Counseling

 

[tall73]

We went to marital counseling in the fall of 2017. We went to four sessions. Our counselor suggested that we begin individual counseling combined with marital, so we did that. I started seeing my own therapist and my husband went to an individual session with our therapist. Then he quit and said counseling doesn’t help him, will never help him, and it’s a waste of money for marriage counseling too. So I have kept going on my own but he refuses to go.

Did he elaborate at all on what happened? Clearly if it worked the money would not be the issue, so it sounds more likely that he did not want to get into some aspect of his life.

My husband also suffers from chronic pain & depression, which can exacerbate some of our issues. I have encouraged him to talk to a therapist about these things too, but again, he refuses. He also will not go with me to workshops or marriage seminars put on by the church.

You may want to hold off on invites for now. He has said he will not do it. The most immediate thing to do is to work on not yelling, and only speaking in a respectful manner.

Right now we are not speaking. He approached me about a week ago after a big fight we had a few days earlier, wanting to talk. I told him I did not know what there was to talk about; we don’t agree on anything.

The Scriptures say not to let the sun go down on your anger. If it had been days, and he wanted to talk, that is a natural response. Part of the depression may be that nothing ever gets solved, and there are days of that gnawing feeling of the relationship being broken when nothing is being done to resolve it. If you turn him away from talking saying there is nothing to talk about that is akin to saying you don't want the relationship fixed. Both of you are exhausted, but it will not be fixed by stewing in your own corner.

The fact that you came here shows you want to work it out. His desire to talk shows the same. Even after all the soul-crushing yelling and comments, etc. you still both care. So that is a starting point. Don't turn that away.

Talking doesn't require agreement. You need to learn to talk through solutions even if there is not total agreement without escalating.

He blames me for every conflict, every argument, ever problem in our marriage. He has said numerous times that if it were not for me we would not fight in our marriage. To me that just signals his deep misunderstanding of his contributions to our dynamic, and of the way he hurts me.

You acknowledged you previously reacted poorly. This set a pattern he now resents. However, he is now using that as a way of excusing himself from any role, probably because he feels he did all he could in those early days when he was being gracious, and now thinks it won't matter either way. If you can get to discussing without yelling then you can work on the facts of each problem rather than how you are both communicating them.

Does he fight with anyone else or yell at anyone else?

Has he gone to a doctor about the depression?

He mentioned separation and divorce. I have always maintained that I don’t want to separate or divorce. He brings the topic up often.

He may see no option if you both fight continually and cannot find any common ground. However, if you can find a way to end the fighting there may be no need for divorce.

So I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to handle this situation. Typically, I feel very convicted by the Holy Spirit regarding the ways I have sinned against my husband in the fight and I go to him and repent and apologize and ask for forgiveness. He rarely apologizes to me. I do recognize where I went wrong in our conflict, in our marriage, but I do not want to continue through the same cycles. If my husband refuses to take responsibility for his actions, what am I supposed to do?

As the other poster indicated, you can only do your part.

I Peter 3:1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

You have asked forgiveness, and recognized where you went wrong. And you are trying to manage it. Continue to do that.

Romans 12:17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Here in Romans Paul acknowledges that not everyone will be at peace with us, but we must do what we can to make it happen. Not all of it depends on you. In the meantime since you recognize your role in the early days of the marriage in yelling then also recognize that it will take time to fix this pattern, and he too needs the patience from you that he showed in the past. Before you were the one who was yelling and hurting, and he was understanding. Now he is tired of it all and depressed, you may need that same love and patience toward him.

He will not go to a counselor with me; he will not go to a counselor by himself; he will not take responsibility and maintains that all of our problems are my fault and I am hopeless.

Prove him wrong by making the changes you are discussing in counseling. And if he wants to talk, be willing to talk. He is hurt, but don't shut him out, just as you were upset, but he initially did not shut you out. If you could both get on the same page of being patient again and showing grace this can work.

Consider what was mentioned earlier about an agreed upon system to keep yourself from speaking in harmful ways.

He is not actively pursuing the Lord at all, and hasn’t in years. I am in therapy, I am pressing in to my faith and spiritual growth and think I have grown a lot...I don’t know what more I can do.

If he is depressed he may struggle doing much of anything. Continue to grow in your faith. But be careful not to press the issue with him. Has he said he renounced the faith, or is just not actively walking in it? Your changes must be for the sake of Christ, not in relation to any feedback from him, or to expect anything from him. Change because it is what Christ is doing in you, regardless of what happens in the marriage. But if you do this he will eventually see the change, even if at first he does not acknowledge it.

As you continue in your faith you might want to read through the entire book of I Peter. The context is persecution from without, but some of the same principles apply. For a time you may have to bear with him and encourage him even though it is one sided. Try to rebuild the connection, be willing to talk, refrain from yelling, and if he is angry, try to understand, as you want him to understand you.

 

[tall73]

I'm sorry for what you've been going through....what *should* have been a joyful time in your marriage. It really sounds as if you have a clear and level-headed discernment as to what you've contributed (and are not taking on the guilt from his false accusations ). This is what stands out to me in your post:



These are the tell-tale signs of someone with an abusive mindset. He knows how to be patient and forgiving towards your "weakness" (he demonstrated that for a year, you wrote). That's often a "hook"....a way to draw a person in (simultaneously making them feel they aren't "worthy" of this generous "love")......then, when they-the manipulators-believe it's safe, they show their true colors.

Most counselors work from the perspective that both spouses (or any other relation you're discussing) have a healthy framework of what a relationship is. It's a whole different thing dealing with someone with an abusive mindset.

I'd recommend reading up on abuse. Lundy Bancroft has excellent books of the topic. Another thing you may want to read is just this review on Amazon on another book, here (can you relate to any of this?):

This book validated for me what I am going through with my husband. I believe everyone has passive aggressive behaviors, but some people purposefully use PA to control or manipulate others for a host of reasons, and basically make a lifestyle of it. My husband does not act this way to other people usually- just toward me. I highly recommend reading this book if you are thinking this could be the issue in your relationship-read it before you go to counseling. It will give you something to suggest to the counselor and help keep you from wasting time. Beware of going into counseling with a PA partner as a couple. He will lie, say half-truths ect in the room, YOU will be the one getting upset (read downright disgusted and mad) and then he will turn around and blame YOU and say, 'see I told you she is emotional and angry all the time'! All the while he will maintain perfect composure and seem so sweet and caring, saying 'we're only here to help you sweetheart!'. That is what a PA does! The book does go into some detail on handling the PA relationship and how your own actions (read- RE-actions) may be helping to enable him in the behavior. Author says that three type of personalities may help to enable the PA without the other partner realizing. The Victim, The Manager and The Rescuer. I do see myself as a little of all three maybe, but definitely the last two~https://www.amazon.com/Living-Passi...&keywords=living+with+a+passive+agressive+man

​

And, please, surround yourself with a few people you can trust and build for yourself some support.

This site may be helpful (but be careful about your online interactions. Don't leave traces for him to see your history or he may get enraged--possibly dangerous):Home - Leslie Vernick- Christ-Centered Counseling

It is possible he is abusive. His almost immediate dropping out of counseling is unusual. Most counselors, even if one is yelling, and the other not, will tend to look at what responsibility there is throughout the relationship, and he may have not liked that.

However, it could be that he is depressed, as she acknowledges, has chronic pain, which she acknowledges, and is lashing out.

If they are going days or even more at a time with these fights and harsh words just sitting there, that rips your guts out too. They may just have a pattern set up that they have not resolved.

 

[tall73]

These are the tell-tale signs of someone with an abusive mindset. He knows how to be patient and forgiving towards your "weakness" (he demonstrated that for a year, you wrote). That's often a "hook"....a way to draw a person in (simultaneously making them feel they aren't "worthy" of this generous "love")......then, when they-the manipulators-believe it's safe, they show their true colors.

Except she didn't describe a situation where he was baiting her into anger. She described a situation in which she was legitimately the one being angry and having a short fuse. She may have to clarify if there was goading involved. She did say she doesn't have this with others, which could indicate some of his behavior was drawing it out. Or it could just indicate what many couples realize, the people who know you best and who you live with will have more difficult discussions, and sometimes one or the other gets angry.

Perhaps she can clarify if in hindsight he was being unreasonable all the time and goading her to respond. It is at least something to consider that she might not have thought through.

Some examples of disagreements might help figure that out as well.

 

[tall73]

My husband also suffers from chronic pain & depression, which can exacerbate some of our issues. I have encouraged him to talk to a therapist about these things too, but again, he refuses.

Has this been the case since the beginning of the marriage?

 

[tall73]

These are the tell-tale signs of someone with an abusive mindset.

Try telling the story from the other perspective for a moment though.

She is short tempered and yells at him for the first year-half their marriage.
She admits that despite improvement she still fails and yells at him often.
She admits than when he reacts immediately with rage to her when she speaks with attitude, she responds in kind.
She will not even talk to him days after a fight, says there is no point, because they never agree. And now a week later they are still not talking.

Are we absolutely sure he is just an abusive manipulator?

 

[mkgal1]

If they are going days or even more at a time with these fights and harsh words just sitting there, that rips your guts out too. They may just have a pattern set up that they have not resolved.

That's what I appreciate about Leslie Vernick (one of the links I shared). She helps in identifying whether it's an emotionally destructive relationship or a "difficult" one (and offers suggestions in dealing with both). Free Resources - Leslie Vernick- Christ-Centered Counseling

Except she didn't describe a situation where he was baiting her into anger. She described a situation in which she was legitimately the one being angry and having a short fuse. She may have to clarify if there was goading involved. She did say she doesn't have this with others, which could indicate some of his behavior was drawing it out. Or it could just indicate what many couples realize, the people who know you best and who you live with will have more difficult discussions, and sometimes one or the other gets angry.

A person in this cycle made not realize at first that they've been goaded into anger. But....you're right, it'd be great to get any clarification (or for her to pay careful attention to that in the future).

 

[tall73]

That's what I appreciate about Leslie Vernick (one of the links I shared). She helps in identifying whether it's an emotionally destructive relationship or a "difficult" one (and offers suggestions in dealing with both). Free Resources - Leslie Vernick- Christ-Centered Counseling


A person in this cycle made not realize at first that they've been goaded into anger. But....you're right, it'd be great to get any clarification (or for her to pay careful attention to that in the future).

Agreed, looking back she may have some indication. Of course it is all complicated by the fact that some folks re-interpret the early days when a relationship goes sour.

 

[mkgal1]

Finding Rest: it'd be helpful (and probably even therapeutic for you a bit) if you could journal what you remember about each of your arguments when they occur.

 

[FindingRest]

tall73 and mkgal1 -

Thank you for your thoughtful and gracious responses.

I do not believe that my husband is an abusive person. We have both said abusive things to each other, me probably moreso than him, and I do not consider him to be a malicious person. I feel very manipulated by him, but I truly believe that he does not realize that he is doing it.

For example. I have been communicating to him some things he can do to make me feel more loved and cherished, therefore more secure. So he had planned a surprise for me. I knew what the surprise was because he is terrible at being subtle haha, but he didn’t know that I knew. The surprise got cancelled due to weather right when this fight was happening. He told me when we spoke that it was cancelled and then he said, “I am going to tell you that the surprise is not happening now because it is pointless. And I am going to tell you what the surprise was.” To me, this feels like a tactic for him to make me feel “punished”. He knew I was excited and he was surprising me with something I really wanted, and now because I have, in his eyes, behaved so poorly, he is going to make sure I know what I missed out on. Am I being crazy by feeling like this is a manipulation?

The most recent fight that we had, it all spurred out of a misunderstanding. We were watching TV together and as I got up to go to bed I realized I had lost my phone. I asked him to call my phone for me to help me find it. He started calling me and I asked him to mute the TV so I could hear my phone ring. As I was looking in the cushions, the volume on the TV turned back on. So I looked at him bewildered and said his name. I did not and still do not think I said it with malice - I was annoyed/frustrated, but he instantly snapped...he started yelling, I tried to remain calm and said “Please stop yelling...I am not yelling.” He continued to scream and call me names and then I snapped. I am ashamed that I did. I wish I could just stay calm no matter what ensues.

The problem is that when we try to discuss and resolve after the fact, we cannot agree. He tells me this is my fault, I was nasty to him first and he was patient with me for a year of my outbursts so he now has a right to respond however he wants and it is my responsibility to change.

So then I am left in this constant mental turmoil of, well is it really all my fault? Am I really the cause of this? Man, I am terrible. I feel broken by my errors and sin and so angry and ashamed with myself. And then...wait a second, can it really be all my fault? Isn’t he to be accountable for himself? Is he just manipulating the situation so that he doesn’t have to take responsibility? And then I feel crazy for not knowing which is true or right.

So, this is just one example, but it illustrates a cycle in our marriage. This has been happening for at least a year. And normally, I am one to want to talk it out and get along ASAP - tall73 mentioned that I was rejecting my husband’s initiative to talk, but this is why. Him wanting to talk is just him telling me repeatedly how everything is my fault. So that is why this time, for the first time, I had said there was nothing to talk about.

I hope this clarifies. Truly, I am not looking for people to just agree with me. If I am being childish and ridiculous, I want to know. I am in a place where I don’t know what is up or down right now!

 

[tall73]

Finding Rest: it'd be helpful (and probably even therapeutic for you a bit) if you could journal what you remember about each of your arguments when they occur.

Yes, and knowing she will do this later may help her reflect in the moment as well about how she is reacting.

 

[tall73]

Thank you. I like your idea of recording

Just be careful that it is not used as a gotcha to prove your point. The issue is learning where the discussion is breaking down so that it does not have to break down.

 

[Jane_Doe]

Hi everyone. I just joined this forum today - forgive me if I mess up on etiquette.

My husband and I have been married for two years. It has been an awfully tumultuous two years, and recently it felt to me like we were turning a corner. From the beginning of our marriage we have fought like cats - mostly because of me. I have had a very short fuse with him, which I can’t really explain because I don’t express a lot of anger toward anyone else in my life, but nonetheless. I have been in therapy consistently and I am able to recognize some substantial changes in my ability to recognize my emotions and determine healthier ways of response. I still fail at this often, but compared to where I was two years ago, it’s a big change.

My husband was very gracious toward me with this for about a year. He forgave me often and I learned how to take responsibility for my actions and apologize. Lately, though, he has not been so patient. Any time I communicate what I perceive to be the slightest amount of attitude, it is met with what I perceive to be rage from him. I often then respond back with rage which of course escalates the conflict. We will often discuss the events after they happen and can never agree on the true happenings and how one person communicated or responded.

We went to marital counseling in the fall of 2017. We went to four sessions. Our counselor suggested that we begin individual counseling combined with marital, so we did that. I started seeing my own therapist and my husband went to an individual session with our therapist. Then he quit and said counseling doesn’t help him, will never help him, and it’s a waste of money for marriage counseling too. So I have kept going on my own but he refuses to go.

My husband also suffers from chronic pain & depression, which can exacerbate some of our issues. I have encouraged him to talk to a therapist about these things too, but again, he refuses. He also will not go with me to workshops or marriage seminars put on by the church.

Right now we are not speaking. He approached me about a week ago after a big fight we had a few days earlier, wanting to talk. I told him I did not know what there was to talk about; we don’t agree on anything. He blames me for every conflict, every argument, ever problem in our marriage. He has said numerous times that if it were not for me we would not fight in our marriage. To me that just signals his deep misunderstanding of his contributions to our dynamic, and of the way he hurts me. He mentioned separation and divorce. I have always maintained that I don’t want to separate or divorce. He brings the topic up often.

So I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to handle this situation. Typically, I feel very convicted by the Holy Spirit regarding the ways I have sinned against my husband in the fight and I go to him and repent and apologize and ask for forgiveness. He rarely apologizes to me. I do recognize where I went wrong in our conflict, in our marriage, but I do not want to continue through the same cycles. If my husband refuses to take responsibility for his actions, what am I supposed to do?

He will not go to a counselor with me; he will not go to a counselor by himself; he will not take responsibility and maintains that all of our problems are my fault and I am hopeless. He is not actively pursuing the Lord at all, and hasn’t in years. I am in therapy, I am pressing in to my faith and spiritual growth and think I have grown a lot...I don’t know what more I can do.

I am caught between feeling there must be something I can and should be doing to save my marriage, and feeling like there is nothing more I can do.

Continue to work on improving yourself, increasing in self knowledge, write things down etc. This will aide you whichever path the Lord has for you.

 

[tall73]

Also, to clarify, he should be aware of the recording, and consent to it. The idea is that you both learn to work on discussion. Also, in some states you need both parties to consent to any recorded conversation legally.