Aspergers adults and romantic relationships

[keelercd]

okay I have had an eye on this guy at my church for a year now, so I finally got the guts to give him a piece of chocolate cake that I made for him. I got dressed up and did my hair and when I just told him I made this for you because I like you, he was kind of shocked and said "do want to go somewher?" so we went to lunch and he was very quiet and I said do want to go out, so the following wednesday I mentioned"so when are we going to that movie?" and he said we are? yes I said. we went to the movie and dinner and he was more talkative now since I have gotten to know him, I see a lack of sensitivity to my feelings, kind of a lack of emotion, at the same time I do see emotion and joking but he does better in groups but one on one hard for him. he does not like to facebook but has a facebook, nor does he like IM or texting but does talk on the phone and in church. Any advice on how to get to know him better and how not to come on to strong

 

[beakybird]

@keelercd

Lemme ask are you AS is he or both do you think?

As a man who displays many AS traits (undiagnosed, don't trust psychs at all) I can tell you that one of the biggest obstacles in the past for me (as others have said on this board) is knowing if someone is interested at all. I would have to say you have to be very direct about your interest without being intimidating. I think you started off good by saying I like you. But he may think that you were just messing with him, or may come up with something in his mind that tells him otherwise. So you have to make sure he is aware of that.

Find out what he likes. Animals, books, whatever and try to express interest in that. AS typically has a narrow but intense number of interests and could create a strong bond. That can act as a trust builder to bring him out of his shell a little. If you guys happen to shard an interest (obviously your faith in the Lord is an awesome starting point)

Try to see if he has any friends, maybe even another couple (he is comfortable with) to hang out with. Low pressure kinda stuff, but always clear. Don't think that subtle flirting, or innuendo will get you anywhere but confusing the guy. Explain things you may not even think need explaining.

Also don't be discouraged if he don't seem to catch on even if you feel like you are spelling it out for him. He may know but may be too afraid, or may not know how to act back.

And lastly, and most importantly, pray to the Lord to see if it His will for you. And if it is His will to open the door for you.

 

[keelercd]

well, we went to lunch that day that I told him I liked him and the conversation was awkward. then at Bible study two days later, I mentioned so when are we going to go on that date. He said O I said that- and I said yes. he said when are you free. I said Friday or Saturday. so friday came and went and he didnt call. and Saturday I called him and he said yeah we can still go to the movies, he picked the movie and we had dinner after. he was more talkative and relaxed and at a church function the next day, we sat together and talk but on the phone or facebook, email he doesnt communicate at all, lol! he does have a facebook but does not put anything on there. He is great in a group of people but when I talk to him one on one I notice when he is done with the converstion he is done and leaves. I asked him do you want to get to know me and he said yes but I can tell he struggles with it. I am not going to lie, I looked at alot blogs about married women and a AS spouse and all negative but maybe a few were positive. But I am trying to give this to the Lord. He went to Kentucky today to see family, and I wont call him because I dont think he will answer, lol! I just dont want to scare him away. he is 37 and electrical engineer and has only had one girlfriend out of college. It seems like in church is where he is more open. I think alot of it comes down to me learning about patience, AS and seeking God's will in this. O by the way his name is Daniel.

 

[keelercd]

@keelercd

Lemme ask are you AS is he or both do you think?

As a man who displays many AS traits (undiagnosed, don't trust psychs at all) I can tell you that one of the biggest obstacles in the past for me (as others have said on this board) is knowing if someone is interested at all. I would have to say you have to be very direct about your interest without being intimidating. I think you started off good by saying I like you. But he may think that you were just messing with him, or may come up with something in his mind that tells him otherwise. So you have to make sure he is aware of that.

Find out what he likes. Animals, books, whatever and try to express interest in that. AS typically has a narrow but intense number of interests and could create a strong bond. That can act as a trust builder to bring him out of his shell a little. If you guys happen to shard an interest (obviously your faith in the Lord is an awesome starting point)

Try to see if he has any friends, maybe even another couple (he is comfortable with) to hang out with. Low pressure kinda stuff, but always clear. Don't think that subtle flirting, or innuendo will get you anywhere but confusing the guy. Explain things you may not even think need explaining.

Also don't be discouraged if he don't seem to catch on even if you feel like you are spelling it out for him. He may know but may be too afraid, or may not know how to act back.

And lastly, and most importantly, pray to the Lord to see if it His will for you. And if it is His will to open the door for you.

sorry I mean beaky bird in my reply, got the wrong username, again sorry

 

[keelercd]

O my gosh, I think I repeated parts of my post, I should have remembered what I wrote, lol, no he is the one that I think has AS.

 

[beakybird]

He is great in a group of people but when I talk to him one on one I notice when he is done with the converstion he is done and leaves. I asked him do you want to get to know me and he said yes but I can tell he struggles with it. I am not going to lie, I looked at alot blogs about married women and a AS spouse and all negative but maybe a few were positive. But I am trying to give this to the Lord. He went to Kentucky today to see family, and I wont call him because I dont think he will answer, lol! I just dont want to scare him away. he is 37 and electrical engineer and has only had one girlfriend out of college. It seems like in church is where he is more open. I think alot of it comes down to me learning about patience, AS and seeking God's will in this. O by the way his name is Daniel.

Yeah I remember that feeling of the awkward end of conversation thing. Try to remember that someone with AS issues (at least from what I've experienced and read of others) requires things to have a definite direction or purpose. A conversation has a point, but when it is over, it may feel to him he said something dumb or gets a wave of anxiety to leave because there appears to be no more purpose in talking. Like it was a task that is completed and time to go about something else.

If he says he would like to get to know you than he means it. Playing emotional games is not something people like him usually are capable of intentionally, but often they get accused of it due to being emotionally cold outwardly. Don't get caught up in reading into his behaviors because he may not fully understand how his actions are perceived by others, particularly women (your kind can be hard to understand sometimes lol).

I know I've been happily married for over 6 years now, and dated for a few years prior to that with my wife. She seems to be NT, has some issues, but don;t think she any Spectrum disorder. I don;t know for sure I am, but am 99% sure. But we get along great and have never really had even a fight in 9 years. She's told me she appreciates the fact that I am honest (brutally sometimes), loyal, trustworthy, not superficial, and non judgemental. Those seem to be typical Asperger traits that can be positive to a relationship. On the other hand, many women would have a hard time with a guy with anger outbursts, can't hold down a job, and can be oblivious to her emotions sometimes (and she REALLY emotional sometimes). Take all of those blogs into consideration, but take carefully if they are not a Christian. Non-Christian women usually value less important traits in men like social graces, material things, displays of macho-ness (in a non-Godly way), self-confidence, physical assertiveness and so on. Furthermore if you are both grounded in the Word of God, then if it be His will to get together and maybe someday be married, He'll certainly take care of that. God hates divorce.

Yeah just take it slow with the guy and try not to get impatient or frustrated. He's done the best he knows how to show you he is interested I think. You just gotta have realistic expectations of what a relationship with him would mean too. He may not be capable of being very emotionally supportive and you may feel alone if you go through a difficult emotional time. I know my wife has told me many times (like when her grandfather died) that she felt alone and it made me sad but I didnt know what to say or do. Luckily she loves me and understands Im not really capable so it doesn;t make for problems. And she tells me all the time that the intensity of my loyalty and the fact she never has to worry about me being dishonest or cheating or anything far outweighs the bad stuff. Man do I thank God for that everyday.

Hope some of that helps. I can ramble so I hope it made sense.

 

[keelercd]

I know that I have to learn patience with Daniel. I sometimes feel that I have a NT Aspergers-what I mean it must be what Jesus feels like sometimes when I go about my day unawhere of his feelings, I dont acknowledge him or pray, saying" you dont talk to me or show your love!" so it must be how Jesus feels with me at times. I want to learn not to think that he intends to hurt me and it is just a couple of weeks since I confessed I liked him. I just ask for prayer that I dont scare him away. and I do agree that what lacked from those negative blogs was God himself and only he knows the heart. I am currently a college student hoping to get into nursing school sometime next year. I appreciate that you responded it helps me greatly. I would like to know how you show affection to your wife and how she understand you. thx for your response.

 

[beakybird]

Unfortunately I wouldn't know how to explain how my wife knows I love her other than the work of God himself. I do tell her I love her all the time, and it feels a little hollow sometimes for me, but it don't mean I don't love her, just feel very cold inside most of the time. I know it like I know I have two hands, but don't usually "feel" it.

I do try to show her in practical ways since it's the way I know how. Like helping do stuff, or something dumb like going out to the store for her if she wants something late at night when we hanging out. I'm not in the least bit romantic- the concept boggles my mind to be honest. I've had past relationships that fell apart because of that. But those were also before I started seeking Jesus. ButI always try to do things like cook something she likes (I like cooking sometimes), or try to reassure her about things (she has really low self esteem about a lot of things for no reason), I just try to do little things to make her life easier. I'm not in the least bit spontaneous, the idea of doing something without planning it gives me anxiety real bad. I'm not good at giving gifts or doing little thoughtful things women like. But I just make sure I try to talk to her about everything and be someone she knows she can count on regardless of what happens. I'm know there are times she has gotten a little frustrated with it, times where she wishes I weren't so trapped inside myself, but I think she knows I really can't help it, and like I said sees the good in me too. She also can see that I really usually couldn't care less about other people (something I am REALLY trying to work on as a Christian for obvious reasons) but that she gets way more than anyone else, even though that may be limited sometimes.

I think it's about what someone values. She values my morals, loyalty, and dependability. I'm sorta easy on the eyes too (lol jk).

Maybe these feelings you have are happening for multiple reasons. I think God talks to us in ways we can understand, and I often am finding Him talking to me through real-life metaphors. Like my parrot for example. Some of the ways he is so smart, so independent, thinks who he is, defiant, but I love him dearly and want only to protect him and do what good for him, but he just refuses to listen because he think he knows better. It's like God showing me how he looks at me and how I act toward Him. He wishes I'd just step up on his hand already, but all I wanna do is bite him. But He loves me anyway and will never stop offering me His hand even if he gets bitten sometimes cause Im too proud to submit. Maybe your feeling for Daniel are a similar thing. Like- you have alot to learn about acknowledging those that love you, namely Jesus Christ. It's so important to pray. So important. I think maybe more important than any other thing in the Christian life. Jesus wants to spend time with you. He wants to talk with you. He wants to be in fellowship with you. It's such an easy thing to do. I've gone through many times where I couldn't care less about doing it, but when I get myself back in line with it, I see and feel the difference in my heart in a way I can;t put into words. In a world where few understand me, He does.

I will pray for you and it makes me glad to think I may have been a little helpful to you.

 

[keelercd]

dont say that you have only helped a little because you have helped alot. A few days ago, I asked Daniel what was his idea of romance on the phone he got befuddled, so when I called the next day to wish him a safe trip to Kentucky , he did not answer, I think he was afraid. that is when I thought O know I scared him. But like you said dont think to much into things. I will see him on Sunday, I did apologize to him through his facebook that I am sorry if I called to much and that I just want to know him better- I know he sees my messages but he does not respond which is fine. I always thought it must be hard on someone with AS because they have all these emotions but cant display them the way others do. And I believe you are right that prayer is the key- it fights Satan in so many ways and thx for reminding me.

 

[AS4JC91]

I'm AS in a serious relationship with another AS. I find he balances me out a lot as his symptoms manifest less than mine. Besides it's mostly quirks e.g. his love of the texture of Egyptian cotton; his ability to create computer hardware, software and IT etc; his dislike of pulpy orange juice. They're things that don't impede too much in a relationship. He has been so loving and kind and supportive of me.

 

[dayhiker]

One thought on walking away after a all has been said on a topic. I used to find this an awkward time. I didn't have anything more to say. Didn't feel comfortable just standing around till the next topic come up. But over time I learned to just hand out and observe till an other topic came up and then we could talk about that.

 

[keelercd]

I do not have AS but I am making progress with my guy. thanks for the reply.

 

[Ecclectic79]

Most often I'm not really looking, partly by just knowing that things don't mesh, all too often when someone is interested in me the chemistry doesn't work both ways no matter how cool they are, and when I'm in doubt as to whether I'm attracted or repelled I tend to break it off or duck out because I don't want to hurt them or lead them on.

As for girls with Asperger's, HFA, etc. I've met some and it really doesn't seem to make that much of a difference. Seems like finding a dating pool as such isn't really practical and when we do get together we have about as much in common through ASD as diabetics would through diabetes.

What I've noticed, autistic or otherwise, the dating world is about the bellcurve. Some autistics just have a few social quirks but their intelligence, interests, experiences, and flavor of their personality are still very center-mass of the curve and they don't have too much trouble finding partners. On the other hand I've known some incredible NT's who had crazy amounts of depth and intelligence, even excellent social skills - but the former was the very problem; none of that helped them a whole lot when they were two or three deviations from the mean and couldn't find anyone who could relate to them or could keep up with them on their level.

I suppose that for us as Christians, regardless of success but particularly when we're on the outside of the curve, that the best thing we can do is pray, say Lord Jesus - thy will be done, and let his will manifest as it may whether its a partner or a life of singlehood. The good news is either of those, a good partner or a life of singlehood, is far far better the alternative of a bad partner or bad relationship. Both of the later are tragically common in any demographic of society.

 

[BlueLioness]

You know I'm afraid that nobody would want to date us because we are Aspies (I guess our brains work differently than what is considered normal). It has totally freaked me out, because I saw my future as someone doomed to suffer from a disease that would chase away all potential spouses.

It makes me want to scream.

For one thing to date I guess you have to be social, but I have no social skills. I'm very introverted, and my mom says I'm quiet. She says I don't talk much.

That's one problem.

 

[BlueLioness]

And I have liked men before, I was just too scared to tell them I was an Autistic.

Because I was afraid that if I told them that they would go off looking for a girl that wasn't Autistic.

:o

You don't know how embarrassing this is for me.

 

[Ecclectic79]

I tend to think these days the biggest haggle is energy supply. By the time I get home from work I can't even fathom having the energy for a family, screaming kids, etc.. I could only be in a relationship, with someone I loved, if I had it in me to treat them right. Short of that I don't feel like I'd be doing anyone a service.

 

[keelercd]

I am a NT woman in love with an Aspie man, I would say that every relationship has its ups and downs, I am learning about him and he is slowly opening up to me- as of yesterday he opened up about a struggle in his Christian faith- this is after 5 and half months of dating, this was a major break through and we are pursuing counseling to fall in love closer to Christ and to each other. I love him- sometimes he drives me crazy and I know that I do the same to him and other times it can be lonely because I miss and he cannot contemplate missing me. I am emotional creature and he is outwardly unemotional but inside he is a wonderful man.

 

[jackmt]

And I have liked men before, I was just too scared to tell them I was an Autistic.

Because I was afraid that if I told them that they would go off looking for a girl that wasn't Autistic.

:o

You don't know how embarrassing this is for me.

Why is autism embarassing? I have Asperger's. The more I let people know, the less ignorance is out there. I am in a relationship with another Aspie. Two from my group have become an item.

If they reject you for your autism, that is a reflection of them and their ignorance. And you are better off without them. When you isolate for fear of rejection you don't even give the guy or yourself a chance.

 

[BlueLioness]

Have you found that you're more attracted to those who are also aspie? Did you marry someone, or are in a serious relationship with someone who was also an aspie? If so, how has it turned out for you? Is it challenging? Or do you feel like a "kindred spirit"?

If you're in a relationship with another aspie, do your strengths and weaknesses within the disorder balance each other out, or are you primarily the same in all areas? Have you "molded" to fit their needs... or they yours?

Yeah I'm afraid that no boy would want me because I am with Autism/Asperger's.

 

[BlueLioness]

I am a NT woman in love with an Aspie man, I would say that every relationship has its ups and downs, I am learning about him and he is slowly opening up to me- as of yesterday he opened up about a struggle in his Christian faith- this is after 5 and half months of dating, this was a major break through and we are pursuing counseling to fall in love closer to Christ and to each other. I love him- sometimes he drives me crazy and I know that I do the same to him and other times it can be lonely because I miss and he cannot contemplate missing me. I am emotional creature and he is outwardly unemotional but inside he is a wonderful man.

You say he is outwardly unemotional, that affect can also be inward meaning he is actually feeling unemotional for real and not simply giving off the appearance of it. I have Autism/Asperger's and the disease has sometimes robbed me of my ability to feel emotion and has made me like a rock on the inside -- I sometimes tell my mom that "I feel all clogged up inside." I have also sometimes said "I feel all clogged up in my brain."