Asking permission

[ido]

Maybe this thread has been done to death, but I'm starting it anyway.

What are everyone's thoughts on a guy asking a girl's dad/parents for permission to marry the girl?

Guys - is this something you did/will do when you're ready to propose?

Girls - is it important to you that the man you want to marry do this?

 

[Starcradle]

Although it is a chivalrous, touching gesture and one that would be deeply appreciated, it is not something I personally find necessary. I am thirty three years old and my father has not been a part of my life for many years. Although my beloved could ask my mother for my hand, it is not something I "require" of him. However, I would not be at all surprised if he approached my Mom (hopefully this August or October ) and requested her permission. He is a gentleman, and wonderful in every sense!

 

[latteda]

I think it's sweet, and would prefer for him to ask. But I wouldn't be mad if he didn't. It's not something that's incredibly important to me.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I thought he might ask my Dad, but that would have been difficult to do given that my father was 1000 miles away. It didn't matter anyway... we talked to Dad about it and we actually found out that my Dad didn't ask my mom's father -- and my Mom was 17 when they got married! Plus my Dad never officially proposed and didn't give Mom a ring (she got her ring as a surprise for their first Christmas, though). So yeah my Dad can't talk My parents are coming up on their 30th wedding anniversary this summer btw.

 

[Windmill]

Oh...

The vast majority of people I met in the teens section spoke about the joys of the guy asking the girls parents if he can date their daughter.

And so, as I knew my parents wouldn't like my choice of a bf, to try and clear the air I had my bf ask them. Big mistake. Super awkward, my parents told me they'd have preferred if I had just told them what I was doing and spoken to them myself.

Though now they say that they did appreciate the gesture. So I feel less silly now. I think the safer thing for most families is, unless the parents have shown direct interest in it... don't do it. I cannot begin to describe the awkwardness of the situation.

 

[K9_Trainer]

I would prefer he not and so would my dad.

We're both on the same page with it.....I'm an adult woman, I don't need permission to date. I am not my fathers property.

 

[The Nihilist]

I would definitely do it. Not because a woman belongs to her father, but because it's an important gesture that sets the tone for everything else, I think.

 

[ido]

haha - I said ask permission to marry a girl - not date her. I would hope a guy wouldn't be asking my dad's permission to date me at the ripe old age of 35.

I posted the thread b/c my boyfriend recently told me that he intends to ask my father's permission to marry me. My ex-husband did not ask (and didn't formally propose, either) so it means a lot to me that he wants to do that since my experience with my ex was such an unpleasant one. (No reflection on your dad, though, Melissa ).

 

[ido]

I would definitely do it. Not because a woman belongs to her father, but because it's an important gesture that sets the tone for everything else, I think.

I agree that it's not a posessive thing - but, to me, it's a matter of tradition and respect.

 

[explodingboy]

Only after I had asked the lady in question first, and even then I'd probably try to leave it to her to announce or something if I could get away with it.

I hate awkward social showy displays...

 

[peanutbutter12]

I agree that it's not a posessive thing - but, to me, it's a matter of tradition and respect.

Correct, it's a huge respect issue. I had to ask my father in-law from 3000 miles away over a phone. He was completely understanding of the situation and even had a bit of sport with me.

You don't just marry your significant other, you also marry into their family. It's good to have a firm foundation with them as well, and that starts with respect.

 

[ido]

Correct, it's a huge respect issue. I had to ask my father in-law from 3000 miles away over a phone. He was completely understanding of the situation and even had a bit of sport with me.

You don't just marry your significant other, you also marry into their family. It's good to have a firm foundation with them as well, and that starts with respect.

Well said. Good on you for making the effort despite distance.

 

[ido]

I think every couple knows what's right for them. I don't think there is necessarily a right or wrong way to approach this matter - I just see asking permission as being more traditional and I'm a pretty traditional person.

 

[Windmill]

haha - I said ask permission to marry a girl - not date her. I would hope a guy wouldn't be asking my dad's permission to date me at the ripe old age of 35.

I posted the thread b/c my boyfriend recently told me that he intends to ask my father's permission to marry me. My ex-husband did not ask (and didn't formally propose, either) so it means a lot to me that he wants to do that since my experience with my ex was such an unpleasant one. (No reflection on your dad, though, Melissa ).

Same difference, though, my situation would still apply.

What are you going to do if they say no?! I sure hope no one would actually call off the wedding.

So the only thing about asking is its a nice gesture, right? But as my situation shows... sometimes that gesture is not wanted!!

Seriously, unless they specifically have mentioned it or something, I'd just tell them you're getting married, or ask them ahead of time yourself if you think a marriage would be good. Otherwise, you risk an extremely painful memory...

Maybe its a New Zealand thing vs. an American thing though. I don't think the practice is widely spread in NZ. Its hardly "traditional" here, maybe it is more over there.

 

[Markus6]

What are you going to do if they say no?! I sure hope no one would actually call off the wedding.

Good question. What if the two of you were wildly infatuated with each other but the relationship was really unhealthy and the girl's father happened to spot that?

 

[ido]

If parents are acting out of genuine concern for their child - and not just being difficult b/c they don't like the potential spouse, then I think it's important to lend an ear to the concern(s) a parent has for why a marriage shouldn't go through.

My parents kept their concerns about my ex-husband to themselves. They saw a side of him that I was oblivious to b/c I was so caught up in the moment. He never acted inappropriately, but apparently some things he said raised red flags for them. After we were married, his behavior changed and he became a completely different person. I might not have been open to hearing their concerns at the time - but having come out of that marriage wiser and with my eyes wide open, I can honestly say that if my parents shared a genuine concern, then I would be smart to examine it.

JMHO

 

[Luther073082]

Good question. What if the two of you were wildly infatuated with each other but the relationship was really unhealthy and the girl's father happened to spot that?

Then it should be spotted in pre-marital counciling by a neutral pastor.

I have nothing against asking the father, I would have but i really didn't want to ask over the phone. But I don't think the value of it has anything to do with the father watching to make sure you have a healthy relationship.

And I also don't think a couple should necessarily call off an engagement because her dad says no.

 

[latteda]

I would definitely do it. Not because a woman belongs to her father, but because it's an important gesture that sets the tone for everything else, I think.

I agree that it's not a posessive thing - but, to me, it's a matter of tradition and respect.

I agree. To me, more than asking permission it would be asking for blessing on the relationship. More than anything, it solidifies a bonding of families together and shows respect for the parents and a desire for the parents to be a part of the couple's life. It would say to me, "I accept you including your family and respect the place they have in your life." That's something that's important to me to be in the relationship, whether a parent is officially asked or not.

My situation is a little different, with a father who is deceased. My boyfriend asked if he needed to talk to my mom before we officially started dating and I told him there was no need for that. I'm not sure if he'll want to ask about engagement, but if he does, it's not like she's going to say, "No, you can't marry her!" My mom is involved enough in my life to where I already know what she would say anyway, and I'm sure she would already expect the engagement before (if) she was asked.

 

[Windmill]

I think your parents can have GREAT advice.

So instead of asking for permission, ask for their input, and take it seriously.

 

[ido]

I agree. To me, more than asking permission it would be asking for blessing on the relationship. More than anything, it solidifies a bonding of families together and shows respect for the parents and a desire for the parents to be a part of the couple's life. It would say to me, "I accept you including your family and respect the place they have in your life." That's something that's important to me to be in the relationship, whether a parent is officially asked or not.

Well said, latteda. It's funny, b/c most people do refer to it as "asking permission" but you're right that it is more of asking for the union than actually expecting a yes or a no and abiding by it.

My dad and I were talking about this subject matter the other day and his response was that he and my mom see/hear how happy I am and that's all that matters to them.