Asking advice for a friend - re: Marriage and fellowship

[Hannah66]

I have a friend who has been married for 12 years. She is going through depression due to suffering baby loss/infertility and hasn't been able to leave the house very much.
Her and her husband were in the middle of looking for a new church.
A pastor friend told her husband - "If she doesn't want to, or can't leave the house, you should just go to a church without her. Leave her at home and you go take care of your own spiritual needs!" He insisted that her husband just leave her at home while he goes to church. She heard the conversation over the phone and later her husband told her what he said.
He is thinking of going ahead with it.

I found this very harsh. She is most upset. She can do church online but would dearly love to attend church.

Is their pastor friend out-of-line with this comment?

He isn't married and sometimes appears a bit legalistic.

 

[Albion]

IMHO you are seeing the situation correctly. Much better that he stay with his wife and watch an online worship service and/or sermon.

 

[quietpraiyze]

I have a friend who has been married for 12 years. She is going through depression due to suffering baby loss/infertility and hasn't been able to leave the house very much.
Her and her husband were in the middle of looking for a new church.
A pastor friend told her husband - "If she doesn't want to, or can't leave the house, you should just go to a church without her. Leave her at home and you go take care of your own spiritual needs!" He insisted that her husband just leave her at home while he goes to church. She heard the conversation over the phone and later her husband told her what he said.
He is thinking of going ahead with it.

I found this very harsh. She is most upset. She can do church online but would dearly love to attend church.

Is their pastor friend out-of-line with this comment?

He isn't married and sometimes appears a bit legalistic.

I don't know how applicable any of this is during this time of Covid-19. Maybe things will have to be done through different mediums...

It sounds harsh to me because of how the pastor friend said it. It sounds like he didn't have any regard for what the wife is dealing with. Depression is no joke and it can break a marriage. It may be true that the husband has spiritual needs of his own but there are different ways to meet those needs. Instead I think he should have probably asked more questions and encouraged the husband to talk with his wife and see how she feels about her husband going to church without her.

I would have liked the option of "in home" fellowship explored more. If she can't make it to church then maybe the church can come to them. A couple of saints can go to the couple's home and fellowship with them there including taking Communion until she does feel strong/safe enough. Jesus said wherever 2 or 3 are gathered together in His name and God has people who are waiting for such an opportunity to be used. He also could have suggested the husband consider a man's bible studyfellowship.

Sometimes some people need to learn how to think outside the box.

 

[seeking.IAM]

I have a different point of view as someone who attends church without his wife, who has grown disillusioned with the institutional church. Granted this situation is different, but I believe his wife's situation should not impede his practicing his faith in a manner important and meaningful to him.

However, I also believe one should support one's spouse. If she is not safe to be alone due to her depression, by all means he should stay home with her. But, I suspect he is leaving her to go to work and do other duties throughout the week.

My own church's virtual services are uploaded to YouTube. If that is the case for him, virtual services might be able to be watched at any hour or day, which would allow him to do both - go to church himself and take part in virtual church with his wife. Probably more information is needed about the wife's level of vulnerability to give fair advice.

 

[Jesse Dornfeld]

I don't think the pastors friend should have given a definitive course of advice. I would have suggested to pray about it and ask God to show you what to do because this is a difficult situation to know what to do.

 

[Hannah66]

I don't know how applicable any of this is during this time of Covid-19. Maybe things will have to be done through different mediums...

It sounds harsh to me because of how the pastor friend said it. It sounds like he didn't have any regard for what the wife is dealing with. Depression is no joke and it can break a marriage. It may be true that the husband has spiritual needs of his own but there are different ways to meet those needs. Instead I think he should have probably asked more questions and encouraged the husband to talk with his wife and see how she feels about her husband going to church without her.

I would have liked the option of "in home" fellowship explored more. If she can't make it to church then maybe the church can come to them. A couple of saints can go to the couple's home and fellowship with them there including taking Communion until she does feel strong/safe enough. Jesus said wherever 2 or 3 are gathered together in His name and God has people who are waiting for such an opportunity to be used. He also could have suggested the husband consider a man's bible studyfellowship.

Sometimes some people need to learn how to think outside the box.

 

[Hannah66]

thank you - amen! I agree!!

 

[Sketcher]

I have a friend who has been married for 12 years. She is going through depression due to suffering baby loss/infertility and hasn't been able to leave the house very much.
Her and her husband were in the middle of looking for a new church.
A pastor friend told her husband - "If she doesn't want to, or can't leave the house, you should just go to a church without her. Leave her at home and you go take care of your own spiritual needs!" He insisted that her husband just leave her at home while he goes to church. She heard the conversation over the phone and later her husband told her what he said.
He is thinking of going ahead with it.

I found this very harsh. She is most upset. She can do church online but would dearly love to attend church.

Is their pastor friend out-of-line with this comment?

He isn't married and sometimes appears a bit legalistic.

Sometimes there's a time and place for it. Seems that this isn't it.

 

[Hazelelponi]

IMHO you are seeing the situation correctly. Much better that he stay with his wife and watch an online worship service and/or sermon.

I'm curious why you say that?

I would think if the husband's spiritual needs are being fully met then he would have the better ability to care for his wife during her time of need.

He can do both an in person service as well as online service with his wife, until which time she is emotionally healed and can also attend in person service.

 

[Endeavourer]

A spouse's independent behavior will cause resentment and pain in the marriage. Independent behavior is behavior that is done at the expense of the other person and without care towards them.

The resentment and pain his going to church against her wishes will cause in his marriage will be difficult to resolve, because it will have already happened. It will cause a wound that will leave a scar.

The much better approach is to negotiate together on what they can both be enthusiastic about. He could ask her if there are any conditions under which she would be enthusiastic about coming along with him.... ie arrive after the songs and leave during the prayer, sit in the very back, sit in the foyer, sit in a room with a speaker but not in the sanctuary, etc etc..

Alternatively, would there be any conditions under which she would be enthusiastic about him going along... i.e. if he will join her for her online worship when he returns, if he will listen to a service with her on another evening, if he and she would have a Bible study together Sunday afternoon, or if there is any other way she would enjoy the spiritual intimacy such that she would not feel empty and left out if he goes without her.

Under NO circumstances should he give his wife the middle finger and go in spite of her requests. I am very, very sad to hear that a pastor would provide advice that is so damaging to marriages. I'm sad for all of the people in his congregation that might get his terrible advice.

 

[bèlla]

I would need to know how they handle daily living beforehand. Does he work from home or in person? How do they secure groceries and household goods? What about errands?

I’d want to establish the accommodations they have in place and her frequency of being alone. If she’s comfortable with him going to work and taking care of household duties, I’d wonder why church is a sticking point. Supporters need assistance too.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[Albion]

I'm curious why you say that?

I would think if the husband's spiritual needs are being fully met then he would have the better ability to care for his wife during her time of need.

He can do both an in person service as well as online service with his wife, until which time she is emotionally healed and can also attend in person service.

Hi. It's a fair question. My thinking was based on several considerations. For one, the wife's problem isn't, I don't think, permanent.

I didn't get that it was permanent from reading that post. If this is correct, then some temporary sacrifice on his part wouldn't be the final, forever, situation.

Second, the wife allegedly had been as eager as he to find a good congregation for the two of them. For him to go off, even for a few hours and even if he also later watched something on TV with her, seemed to me to be unnecessarily cruel towards her. ("Leave her at home and you go take care of your own spiritual needs!" was the Pastor's advice, according to the OP)

The two of them had been working together on something important to them both, but now he's pursuing it, and presumably benefitting from it, while she is left at home. And, let's remember, she is not left behind in a very upbeat or confident frame of mind.

So that's about it. I could be wrong about it, but that was the basis for my advice.

 

[Endeavourer]

She is most upset.

He can do both an in person service as well as online service with his wife, until which time she is emotionally healed and can also attend in person service.

His doing so would cause a breach in the marriage that would be purposefully thoughtless, would cause grave emotional wounds to her, reverse any emotional healing and exacerbate emotional damage. Additionally, he'll have a very hurt wife who is resentful towards his behaviors.

His proceeding without regard to him will detonate a grenade in their marriage, and any pastor should know not to provide such horrible advice.

In a marriage, "right" is decided by the two spouses in terms of what works best between the two of them. You or I can't advise him to just blaze ahead on what we think is "right". We are not the decision maker in this case. She and he are, together.

 

[Hazelelponi]

His doing so would cause a breach in the marriage that would be purposefully thoughtless, would cause grave emotional wounds to her, reverse any emotional healing and exacerbate emotional damage. Additionally, he'll have a very hurt wife who is resentful towards his behaviors.

His proceeding without regard to him will detonate a grenade in their marriage, and any pastor should know not to provide such horrible advice.

In a marriage, "right" is decided by the two spouses in terms of what works best between the two of them. You or I can't advise him to just blaze ahead on what we think is "right". We are not the decision maker in this case. She and he are, together.

I specifically asked someone else, (for my own reasons) and they responded. Conversation over.