Asking a girl out after a rejection

Matt128

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When I was 21, I told a wonderful Christian girl my age I had feelings for her. I should have just asked her out, but I was very naive at the time. She told me she wasn't interested in me romantically. We have not been in touch in nearly 10 years, but I know she is still single and as far as I know she has not been in a serious relationship during that time.

Now, soon I'll be moving to the city she lives in, and I would like to ask her out. The problem is, I don't know whether it would be a morally good or bad thing to do. On the one hand, I feel like I would be disrespecting her clear rejection if I tried again. On the other hand, it was so long ago, and people change. For example, there are girls I would be interested in now who I wouldn't have been 10 years ago. Also, even if she's still not interested, I feel like it might at least encourage her to know that a guy is interested in her, given that she's been single for so long and is in her 30s. I'm not afraid of rejection, and realistically don't expect her feelings to have changed, but I am afraid of the possibility she will get frustrated or feel awkward/uncomfortable about me perusing her again after her clear rejection 10 years ago.

I'm very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and would like to know what might be an appropriate way to handle the situation. I do not want to ask her out if it would be immoral to do so.
 

mukk_in

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When I was 21, I told a wonderful Christian girl my age I had feelings for her. I should have just asked her out, but I was very naive at the time. She told me she wasn't interested in me romantically. We have not been in touch in nearly 10 years, but I know she is still single and as far as I know she has not been in a serious relationship during that time.

Now, soon I'll be moving to the city she lives in, and I would like to ask her out. The problem is, I don't know whether it would be a morally good or bad thing to do. On the one hand, I feel like I would be disrespecting her clear rejection if I tried again. On the other hand, it was so long ago, and people change. For example, there are girls I would be interested in now who I wouldn't have been 10 years ago. Also, even if she's still not interested, I feel like it might at least encourage her to know that a guy is interested in her, given that she's been single for so long and is in her 30s. I'm not afraid of rejection, and realistically don't expect her feelings to have changed, but I am afraid of the possibility she will get frustrated or feel awkward/uncomfortable about me perusing her again after her clear rejection 10 years ago.

I'm very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and would like to know what might be an appropriate way to handle the situation. I do not want to ask her out if it would be immoral to do so.
Let God lead son. I'm reminded of how Boaz met Ruth (through whom came the Lord Jesus). If this young woman is God's will for you He'll give you the desire to ask her out and her the willingness :)
 
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Petros2015

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10 years is a long time. Go ahead and reconnect, see if she's interested and tell her you'd still like to take her out. Nothing immoral about that. You respected her rejection at the time.
 
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Citanul

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10 years is a long time. Go ahead and reconnect, see if she's interested and tell her you'd still like to take her out. Nothing immoral about that. You respected her rejection at the time.

This.

To the OP, there's nothing immoral about it. I would suggest though that when you do reconnect with her you don't lead with asking her out, and it might be worth trying to turn the conversation to the topic of relationships just to try to get an idea as to how she might react.

Although perhaps try not to take the view that she'll be encouraged by you showing an interest in her. You don't know the reasons why she's single, and it may very well have not been as a result of a lack of interest. So thinking that the act of you asking her out might be of benefit to her regardless of what she actually says comes across as a bit conceited.
 
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timewerx

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When I was 21, I told a wonderful Christian girl my age I had feelings for her. I should have just asked her out, but I was very naive at the time. She told me she wasn't interested in me romantically. We have not been in touch in nearly 10 years, but I know she is still single and as far as I know she has not been in a serious relationship during that time.

Now, soon I'll be moving to the city she lives in, and I would like to ask her out. The problem is, I don't know whether it would be a morally good or bad thing to do. On the one hand, I feel like I would be disrespecting her clear rejection if I tried again. On the other hand, it was so long ago, and people change. For example, there are girls I would be interested in now who I wouldn't have been 10 years ago. Also, even if she's still not interested, I feel like it might at least encourage her to know that a guy is interested in her, given that she's been single for so long and is in her 30s. I'm not afraid of rejection, and realistically don't expect her feelings to have changed, but I am afraid of the possibility she will get frustrated or feel awkward/uncomfortable about me perusing her again after her clear rejection 10 years ago.

I'm very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and would like to know what might be an appropriate way to handle the situation. I do not want to ask her out if it would be immoral to do so.

Of course, it would be inappropriate, if you tried again in 6 months or 2 years...

But 10 years is a lot! People change a lot in 10 years.....So it's ok to try again! :)

So go ahead, give it another try and do it right this time!


To tell you, I used to have a female friend whom I don't have romantic feelings for. But many years later, now I think she's hot (even though she hasn't changed a bit), but she got BF now :(
 
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Radagast

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When I was 21, I told a wonderful Christian girl my age I had feelings for her. I should have just asked her out, but I was very naive at the time. She told me she wasn't interested in me romantically. We have not been in touch in nearly 10 years, but I know she is still single and as far as I know she has not been in a serious relationship during that time.

Now, soon I'll be moving to the city she lives in, and I would like to ask her out. The problem is, I don't know whether it would be a morally good or bad thing to do.

It's definitely not morally bad. And after 10 years, neither one of you is the same person anyway. But keep it low-key to start with: dinner together, or a coffee, or something.
 
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Saucy

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It's not wrong at all. People do change, grow, and mature. Heck, I'm much more mature and better off than I was even a year ago!

I would suggest you try something different. Don't just immediately jump in and ask her out. Just be a good friend to her. As Mark Gungor would say, "be nice to the girl!" Give her a chance to see you in a new light.
 
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When I was 21, I told a wonderful Christian girl my age I had feelings for her. I should have just asked her out, but I was very naive at the time. She told me she wasn't interested in me romantically. We have not been in touch in nearly 10 years, but I know she is still single and as far as I know she has not been in a serious relationship during that time.

Now, soon I'll be moving to the city she lives in, and I would like to ask her out. The problem is, I don't know whether it would be a morally good or bad thing to do. On the one hand, I feel like I would be disrespecting her clear rejection if I tried again. On the other hand, it was so long ago, and people change. For example, there are girls I would be interested in now who I wouldn't have been 10 years ago. Also, even if she's still not interested, I feel like it might at least encourage her to know that a guy is interested in her, given that she's been single for so long and is in her 30s. I'm not afraid of rejection, and realistically don't expect her feelings to have changed, but I am afraid of the possibility she will get frustrated or feel awkward/uncomfortable about me perusing her again after her clear rejection 10 years ago.

I'm very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and would like to know what might be an appropriate way to handle the situation. I do not want to ask her out if it would be immoral to do so.

Do you know if she's even available? Ten years is a long time, and for all you know, she could be married and have children...
 
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Gnarwhal

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When I was 21, I told a wonderful Christian girl my age I had feelings for her. I should have just asked her out, but I was very naive at the time. She told me she wasn't interested in me romantically. We have not been in touch in nearly 10 years, but I know she is still single and as far as I know she has not been in a serious relationship during that time.

Now, soon I'll be moving to the city she lives in, and I would like to ask her out. The problem is, I don't know whether it would be a morally good or bad thing to do. On the one hand, I feel like I would be disrespecting her clear rejection if I tried again. On the other hand, it was so long ago, and people change. For example, there are girls I would be interested in now who I wouldn't have been 10 years ago. Also, even if she's still not interested, I feel like it might at least encourage her to know that a guy is interested in her, given that she's been single for so long and is in her 30s. I'm not afraid of rejection, and realistically don't expect her feelings to have changed, but I am afraid of the possibility she will get frustrated or feel awkward/uncomfortable about me perusing her again after her clear rejection 10 years ago.

I'm very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and would like to know what might be an appropriate way to handle the situation. I do not want to ask her out if it would be immoral to do so.

Since you guys haven't been in contact for a decade start off by asking her to coffee once you actually move to her city.

You're right in that 10 years makes a difference, people mature a lot from age 20 to age 30 and whatever reasons she might've rejected you 10 years ago might not be something she thinks about anymore. If she still declines to meet for coffee, or maybe she's fine with coffee but that's all, then you know once and for all that it wasn't meant to be and you can move on with your life.

Regardless, asking her to coffee wouldn't be immoral or disrespectful in any way. The problem only arises when someone can't take no for an answer, but asking 10 years apart isn't an issue.
 
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blackribbon

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Invite her out to lunch. Take some time to get to know the woman she is now. You want to ask out the 21 year old. Remember, she isn't that woman anymore. You don't know the 31 year old version of her and may not feel the same way. The same goes for her....she doesn't know you now and may or may not like you now.
 
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If someone I didn't want 10 years ago showed up again, knowing what town I lived in, knowing I was unattached, knowing I hadn't had any serious relationships, and still wanting to pursue me, that would creep me out. I'd probably say no based just on those facts, solely out of caution.

The other concern I have is why she didn't want you 10 years ago. Was it just your approach, or was it something preference-based (whether that's looks or something else)?

And finally, make sure you're not doing this again just to get "un-rejected."
 
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Saucy

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Morally, it's neutral assuming she is single. If I were in that spot, I wouldn't ask her out again. Since she rejected me once, she has to either ask me out, or at minimum, ask me to ask her out.
That's sort of what I do. If I ask a girl out and she turns me down, I try to leave it alone, even though the feelings may not go away. There are several girls I'd still get into a relationship with if they changed their mind about me, but they'd have to go out of their way to let me know they feel different, cause I ain't about to be rejected again haha
 
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Citanul

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If someone I didn't want 10 years ago showed up again, knowing what town I lived in, knowing I was unattached, knowing I hadn't had any serious relationships, and still wanting to pursue me, that would creep me out. I'd probably say no based just on those facts, solely out of caution.

It does depend on how they knew each other ten years ago and how the OP is aware of her relationship history and status. If for example, they were part of the same social circle before she moved away and they've been Facebook friends that whole time then I wouldn't say that it's particularly creepy. There are people I'm friends with on Facebook who I haven't seen for close on twenty years and yet I know where they live, what line of work they're in, whether they're married or not, how many children they have, etc.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with moving to a new city and looking up an old friend who now lives there. Having a familiar face around can help with the settling in process and perhaps provide an opportunity to get to know other people. As to whether pursuing a relationship with that old friend is appropriate, that's something that can probably only be established after meeting them and getting a good read on their current situation.
 
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