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Asking a girl out after a rejection

Discussion in 'Singles (Only*)' started by Matt128, Sep 14, 2017.

  1. Matt128

    Matt128 New Member

    2
    +0
    Australia
    Christian
    Single
    When I was 21, I told a wonderful Christian girl my age I had feelings for her. I should have just asked her out, but I was very naive at the time. She told me she wasn't interested in me romantically. We have not been in touch in nearly 10 years, but I know she is still single and as far as I know she has not been in a serious relationship during that time.

    Now, soon I'll be moving to the city she lives in, and I would like to ask her out. The problem is, I don't know whether it would be a morally good or bad thing to do. On the one hand, I feel like I would be disrespecting her clear rejection if I tried again. On the other hand, it was so long ago, and people change. For example, there are girls I would be interested in now who I wouldn't have been 10 years ago. Also, even if she's still not interested, I feel like it might at least encourage her to know that a guy is interested in her, given that she's been single for so long and is in her 30s. I'm not afraid of rejection, and realistically don't expect her feelings to have changed, but I am afraid of the possibility she will get frustrated or feel awkward/uncomfortable about me perusing her again after her clear rejection 10 years ago.

    I'm very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and would like to know what might be an appropriate way to handle the situation. I do not want to ask her out if it would be immoral to do so.
     
  2. mukk_in

    mukk_in Yagna Mukkamala Supporter

    514
    +654
    India
    Christian
    Celibate
    Let God lead son. I'm reminded of how Boaz met Ruth (through whom came the Lord Jesus). If this young woman is God's will for you He'll give you the desire to ask her out and her the willingness :)
     
  3. Martin Tom

    Martin Tom RC Christian Supporter

    +339
    Austria
    Catholic
    Private
    Why'd it be immoral?
     
  4. Petros2015

    Petros2015 Active Member

    462
    +387
    Eastern Orthodox
    Single
    10 years is a long time. Go ahead and reconnect, see if she's interested and tell her you'd still like to take her out. Nothing immoral about that. You respected her rejection at the time.
     
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  5. Citanul

    Citanul Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent

    +898
    Methodist
    Single
    This.

    To the OP, there's nothing immoral about it. I would suggest though that when you do reconnect with her you don't lead with asking her out, and it might be worth trying to turn the conversation to the topic of relationships just to try to get an idea as to how she might react.

    Although perhaps try not to take the view that she'll be encouraged by you showing an interest in her. You don't know the reasons why she's single, and it may very well have not been as a result of a lack of interest. So thinking that the act of you asking her out might be of benefit to her regardless of what she actually says comes across as a bit conceited.
     
  6. timewerx

    timewerx the village i--o--t--

    +2,277
    Christian Seeker
    Single
    Of course, it would be inappropriate, if you tried again in 6 months or 2 years...

    But 10 years is a lot! People change a lot in 10 years.....So it's ok to try again! :)

    So go ahead, give it another try and do it right this time!


    To tell you, I used to have a female friend whom I don't have romantic feelings for. But many years later, now I think she's hot (even though she hasn't changed a bit), but she got BF now :(
     
  7. Bortsss

    Bortsss a social experiment

    993
    +545
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    US-Constitution
    I don't know the details of your first rejection from her, but pending that, I don't necessarily see anything wrong with testing the waters again. Just keep the chloroform rag at home.
     
  8. Radagast

    Radagast wonders what's going on around here

    +778
    Christian
    Single
    It's definitely not morally bad. And after 10 years, neither one of you is the same person anyway. But keep it low-key to start with: dinner together, or a coffee, or something.
     
  9. THE W

    THE W BORN APRIL 29TH 2012

    +1,081
    United States
    Presbyterian
    Single
    it would not be immoral(how?) and the worst that could happen is she will tell you no.....again.
     
  10. Saucy

    Saucy you can call me Beefcake Malone Supporter

    +10,730
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Others
    It's not wrong at all. People do change, grow, and mature. Heck, I'm much more mature and better off than I was even a year ago!

    I would suggest you try something different. Don't just immediately jump in and ask her out. Just be a good friend to her. As Mark Gungor would say, "be nice to the girl!" Give her a chance to see you in a new light.
     
  11. .Mikha'el.

    .Mikha'el. I am become mod, the destroyer of reports! Staff Member Supervisor Supporter

    +1,536
    Messianic
    Single
    Do you know if she's even available? Ten years is a long time, and for all you know, she could be married and have children...
     
  12. sundewgrower

    sundewgrower Well-Known Member Supporter

    +584
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
    10 years is a safe bet as people in their early 20's are usually not that mature, and I'd say it's worth a shot asking.
     
  13. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

    +2,920
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Republican
    Morally, it's neutral assuming she is single. If I were in that spot, I wouldn't ask her out again. Since she rejected me once, she has to either ask me out, or at minimum, ask me to ask her out.
     
  14. Matt128

    Matt128 New Member

    2
    +0
    Australia
    Christian
    Single
    Thanks all for the advice. That helps clarify my thinking.
     
  15. Fenwick

    Fenwick Truth has no diversity

    +4,952
    United States
    Catholic
    In Relationship
    Since you guys haven't been in contact for a decade start off by asking her to coffee once you actually move to her city.

    You're right in that 10 years makes a difference, people mature a lot from age 20 to age 30 and whatever reasons she might've rejected you 10 years ago might not be something she thinks about anymore. If she still declines to meet for coffee, or maybe she's fine with coffee but that's all, then you know once and for all that it wasn't meant to be and you can move on with your life.

    Regardless, asking her to coffee wouldn't be immoral or disrespectful in any way. The problem only arises when someone can't take no for an answer, but asking 10 years apart isn't an issue.
     
  16. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

    +3,540
    Christian
    Invite her out to lunch. Take some time to get to know the woman she is now. You want to ask out the 21 year old. Remember, she isn't that woman anymore. You don't know the 31 year old version of her and may not feel the same way. The same goes for her....she doesn't know you now and may or may not like you now.
     
  17. Bass4Jesus

    Bass4Jesus -

    254
    +83
    Charismatic
    Single
    US-Republican
    If someone I didn't want 10 years ago showed up again, knowing what town I lived in, knowing I was unattached, knowing I hadn't had any serious relationships, and still wanting to pursue me, that would creep me out. I'd probably say no based just on those facts, solely out of caution.

    The other concern I have is why she didn't want you 10 years ago. Was it just your approach, or was it something preference-based (whether that's looks or something else)?

    And finally, make sure you're not doing this again just to get "un-rejected."
     
  18. Saucy

    Saucy you can call me Beefcake Malone Supporter

    +10,730
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Others
    That's sort of what I do. If I ask a girl out and she turns me down, I try to leave it alone, even though the feelings may not go away. There are several girls I'd still get into a relationship with if they changed their mind about me, but they'd have to go out of their way to let me know they feel different, cause I ain't about to be rejected again haha
     
  19. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

    +3,540
    Christian
    There are men from my past who were at different places in their lives those many years ago ... maybe different goals, different maturity levels, or even vastly different dreams whom I recognized were not "good matches" to me at the time that I'd date now.
     
  20. Citanul

    Citanul Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent

    +898
    Methodist
    Single
    It does depend on how they knew each other ten years ago and how the OP is aware of her relationship history and status. If for example, they were part of the same social circle before she moved away and they've been Facebook friends that whole time then I wouldn't say that it's particularly creepy. There are people I'm friends with on Facebook who I haven't seen for close on twenty years and yet I know where they live, what line of work they're in, whether they're married or not, how many children they have, etc.

    There's absolutely nothing wrong with moving to a new city and looking up an old friend who now lives there. Having a familiar face around can help with the settling in process and perhaps provide an opportunity to get to know other people. As to whether pursuing a relationship with that old friend is appropriate, that's something that can probably only be established after meeting them and getting a good read on their current situation.
     
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