As Christ loves the church

LovebirdsFlying

My husband drew this cartoon of me.
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Something a woman said today brought back some unpleasant memories for me. If I gave any details of her situation, it would be gossiping and wrong, so I'll talk instead about the unpleasant memories and what they taught me.

My first marriage was abusive by all accounts. Thank God for bringing me out of it. Undercurrent to the more obviously hurtful behavior--the micromanaging, the domestic violence, the substance abuse, the adultery, and the dishonesty that goes along with these things--more subtle words and actions formed the everyday framework. Life with my first husband was a constant barrage of insults under the guise of "only joking," and antagonistic behavior written off as "just messing with you." Make no mistake, it was deliberate and calculated. He would not stop if politely asked to. No, he kept it up until I lost it and started screaming and/or threatening to leave him. The more his putdowns and pranks upset me, the better he liked it, and the funnier he thought it was. My emotional reactions gave him the perfect ammunition to tell me I was crazy and stupid, just like his mother. (Unsurprisingly, he treated her the same way.)

Of course, he was quick to pull out "wives submit to husbands" any time I didn't like what was going on, or he wanted to make sure he got his way in a disagreement. Funny how he always stopped there and didn't go on to "husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church." Oh, he'd insist that he did indeed love me. Often, especially after an episode of physical abuse or a drug/alcohol relapse, he would be very remorseful and promise to change, but I'm sure you can guess that he always reverted to his customary ways. Even after we divorced, I made numerous attempts to reconcile with him, because he is my children's father and I thought it was the right and proper Christian thing to do. The last attempt was some twenty or so years ago. It came to a screeching halt the first time he "teased" me. I knew from experience, once that starts happening, the rest of it isn't far behind.

I would challenge anybody to please show me in the Bible where it says, "Husbands, troll your wives. Give her a hard time and don't let up if it hurts her. She can't do anything about it anyway, since she is your personal property, and you have the right to toy with her as you please." Is that how Christ loves the church?

From GotQuestions.org comes this tidbit: "The submission of the wife to the husband in Ephesians 5 does not allow the husband to be selfish or domineering. His command is to love (verse 25), and he is responsible before God to fulfill that command. The husband must exercise his authority wisely, graciously, and in the fear of the God to whom he must give an account. When a wife is loved by her husband as the church is loved by Christ, submission is not difficult."

And I say amen to that. Because I now have a loving husband who would never be mean or play with my head. He is reasonable and wants the best for me. I am his wife and partner, not his servant and prisoner. This makes it easy to submit.
 
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LovebirdsFlying

My husband drew this cartoon of me.
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Hi. The subject of the husband/wife relationship has come back up in my life and thoughts. This thread is still on the first page of the forum, and not buried, so I'm bringing it back up instead of starting a new one.

People have recently remarked on how good it is that I build my husband up and respect him. Actually, I do believe I can be overly critical sometimes, and I have told myself, "You will not speak one word of criticism to him today." That's just to let you know, I'm NOT perfect, and I DO need to work on it.

I'm here in this thread specifically to offer advice and suggestions to husbands. Please understand, this is only advice and suggestions. I'm not intending to take authority over you. If any of you believe that advice for husbands should not come from a woman, I invite any man to come into this thread and confirm or deny what I say.

I want it understood, my husband has earned every ounce of the respect I show him. He has elevated my life in amazing ways from where it was before I met him. Thanks to him, I can do things that people in my earlier life had me convinced I wasn't capable of, or wasn't smart enough to do. I will not knowingly disrespect him, nor will I sit in silence while someone else does.

Does this make me some kind of virtuous wife? I don't think so. Here's why. My first husband expected and demanded the same kind of deference and respect from me. He thought I should jump when he told me to. He was all about patriarchal authority; he says, and I do, and that's that. Once he even paraphrased the words to the old hymn "Trust and Obey," and sang it to me inserting himself into the place of Jesus Christ. Specifically, he sang to me, "Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in your husband, but to trust and obey." Context, he was telling me to just shut up and obey him without question, do it because he told me to, and I didn't need to know why. Yes, it's true that in marriage, the husband is in the position of Christ, and the wife is in the position of the church. However, Christ never gives the church commands for His own selfish reasons. His commands are not grievous. He doesn't issue them simply so He can enjoy feeling the power He has over us, or because He gets some kind of rush from watching us hop to it. Make no mistake, there was nothing my ex-husband enjoyed more than feeling like he was large and in charge. By contrast, Christ taught that if you want to be the greatest, you must first be the servant. I believe everybody is due a certain amount of courtesy and respect, but beyond that, what you're owed is what you earn. My ex did precious little to earn the respect I freely give my now-and-forever husband.

My now-and-forever husband always acts in my best interest. Selfish and power-hungry is the last thing he is. He doesn't command. He asks, and for a reason. Everything he wants me to do is, in the long run, what's best for me. And that's what it's all about.

My advice to husbands is, don't expect your wife to treat you like you hung the moon, until you actually get yourself up in that sky and hang it.
 
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