Are some Christians unable to feel the Presence of God?

[PetraFan007]

I have a been a Christian my whole life. I grew up in the church, went most Sundays, repented for my sins, asked for forgiveness and asked the Lord to be my savior. I got baptized on April 15, 1999. I have seen God work in amazing ways in my own life and others.

However, I can’t say I’ve ever felt the presence of God.

Wait…what? Isn’t that something that a Christian should be able to relate to? Feeling his peace, love, and presence? Or some kind of spiritual awakening that helps them on their journey? Being filled with the Holy Spirit (and maybe speaking in tounges or some other sign)?

Nope…I feel as my entire life it has just been a mostly “natural” walk or “physical” walk with only glimpses of seeing something spiritual. I’m told I have the holy spirit when I asked the Lord into my life. However, I lack most of the fruits of the spirit. I hear about this power people have received from God to drop their bad habits or addictions and be able to fully live alive unto God.

I grew up dealing with abuse and trauma at home and in the school. I was very socially awkward and get bullied a lot. Many friends deserted me. I was very angry and developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms that still haunt me to this today. I have an addictive personality. I tend to try to find things that make me feel better. People tell me that I should be going to God. I find myself being ruled by the flesh and not having “desires” that Christians should have, but instead having to deny myself of pleasures that the world so unabashedly and unashamedly enjoys. In fact, I feel shame every time I indulge in the things of the flesh. I shouldn’t “do that”. That’s not allowed. “Isn’t God enough?” is what I hear (in my mind at least and sometimes by others). To be honest, I wish it were. It’s not that easy. I have been vacillating even about writing this blog because I was afraid of offending God by saying his “religion” doesn’t work for me very well or something. (I know it’s not about religion; I’m just making a point).

I am very selfish. I tend to only care about my needs. I don’t truly care about anyone else. I mean, I do “care” but can’t relate to them on their level because I can only feel myself. I get agitated if I have to go out of my way to someone. Even loved ones. I feel guilty for complaining about it. I end up doing things anyway despite how I feel because it’s the right thing to do. Very rarely do I have the desire to do selfless things. I see others who do it so naturally. They just love people. They are so into their spouses and children. They seem happy and free. I feel that is not who I am but it should be. I get very defensive and say, “it’s not my fault I am this way!” … just to try to make myself feel better. In reality, it’s just another bit of selfishness rearing its ugly head. I end up keeping thoughts to myself because I feel like people at best wouldn’t understand me or at worst they would shun me.

I came to a realization the other day that may shed some light on my problem. I’ve never truly felt connected to anyone. I feel as if I walk alone in this world. I’m by myself. My wife is the closest I have come to feeling close to anyone…and even then I feel like I am not as close to her as I want to. Intimacy is a very scary thing. I can’t get too close to someone. I feel that having that lack of connection protects me from a lot of potential pain. The pain of losing a loved one or rejection. I had it all too much growing up. I feel as if someone died that I maybe my soul would not be absolutely crushed because I didn’t let myself get that close to them anyway. I feel like I have never truly loved or been loved. I know that I have been loved…what I am saying is I don’t FEEL it. My heart is just too wounded to receive it. I just cross between pain and numbness. I have only a glimpse of what love is by hearing someone else’s experience with it. I feel like it requires some fleshly indulgence to make me feel better, at least temporarily. Why doesn’t doing God’s will or doing the right thing give me “good vibes” or “emotions” so that I do it more often? Sadly, the best I have ever felt was from being buzzed from having several alcoholic beverages. This should not be!

I feel that if I DID know how to receive and give love, that I would be free of the things that keep me in bondage.

I also feel that I don’t deserve it. I’m just one of billions of people (think Place in this World by Michael W. Smith). What makes me so special? A lot of the time I feel that I’m not going to make it. I’m going to eventually blow it and lose my wife, kids, house, career, even my sanity. I don’t have any promises otherwise. Sure, I’m told about all these promises in the bible…but then I read about what happens to you when you sin. I have a hard time reading the bible because a lot of the time it just messes with me and leaves me more confused than before. I am not sure if I’m on God’s good side or bad side. People try to console me and encourage me. But NOTHING EVER GETS THROUGH TO MY HEART. There seems to be a spiritual blockade that doesn’t let anything through.

Could this have any relation to why I can’t feel God? Or I can’t feel others because I can’t feel God? I don’t know how to do it. It’s a foreign concept to me. I pray that the Lord sends His spirit —or shows me a vision or appears to me…or something but I guess that’s just not for me. It’s for some Christians. (I know this may be a lie but it’s how I feel). I feel like I need spiritual deliverance. I have tried so many things but I never get that breakthrough. I feel like sometimes I just have to suck it up and try to make it through the next 50-60-70 years of my life and hopefully I end up on God’s merciful side instead of his wrathful side.

It’s a tough spiritual battle when everyone tells you what they think you need to hear but I go on struggling. I see it happen to others too. Does something bad have to happen to me before I finally get it? I hope not.

I know I said “I feel” a million times. But how else does one truly know they are right with God? That they are loved and everything will be alright? Words are not enough.

I appreciate your prayers. Know that I am not giving up. My search to know God will never end as long as I live.

 

[Halbhh]

Experiences are powerful, and more so than temperament. But experiences, temperament and individual spirit each matter in who we are and what we feel. Experience powerfully conditions us, but our conditioning can be altered, even when that doesn't seem easy to imagine. Temperament will make us unique, no matter the others. Our individual spirits will also. Regardless of the unpredictable uniqueness of each person, we still all want our hearts to be healed from our pasts. I want to respond more, but have to read fully first.

 

[Steve Petersen]

Do goosebumps = God?

Feelings are fickle. Don't trust them.

 

[Emli]

I really feel for you. I've struggled with a lot of your issues, and although I have felt very close to God since I was saved, and He has gotten me out of a lot of it, I understand what you are going through.

First of all, I want to commend you for still having what seems to be a strong faith. I think this might be a purpose for your struggles.

But here is my advice. Pray, pray, pray. Pray earnestly and often for God to truly help you surrender to Him, and to lead you in life, to reveal Himself to you, to lead you into His Truth. Tell Him you've had enough of the worldly, fleshly life that you have been living, and that you are ready for more. And then just be ready to move when He does lead you, whatever that may be, and expect to be led outside of your comfort zone.
Keep praying this, and often, on your knees, and sincerely. He will honor it.

If you want to talk, feel free to PM me. I have a very close relationship to Christ, and I may be able to help you, God willing.

 

[TheSeekerOfTruth]

I still think about what it means Christian/follower of Christ. We all think about if we're on God's good or bad side, but just remember he's familiar with how we all individually think and act. He said this in Psalm 139 explaining to mankind that he knows everything about us all and what we do all the time. He even goes so far to count our hairs on are heads and has billions of thoughts towards us that are more than the sand on the beach.

God also loves us despite our sinful nature, he said many times over that he'll never leave or forsake man because he's our creator and Father.

Believing in the God of the bible is not about what you feel. If you let God change you by repenting and receiving the Holy Spirit into you then you'll change for the better. By having the peace, joy, love and self control of God and other fruits from God. It's good to have some alone time with God because he wants that from us, he loves us and he wants to be with us nothing can separate us from him. Faith pleases God without it you can't, also love is something you need too.

Jesus is sheep like to wander around or off sometimes, but he goes out of his way to look for them. Jesus is looking for you friend, he wants to be your shepherd because you need one. Jesus is waiting for you with open arms, just be patient and be willing to give him any burdens you may still carry he can take it.

I know you may have heard something like this before, but reminders do not hurt. May I ask what bible you're using?

 

[GirdYourLoins]

I can relate to that, it sounds a lot like my past. Growing up in a violent and abusive household all your life. I have in my life met one person I consider had a worse childhood than me. Just one. My wife used to have friends involved in a group for women who had been sexually abused as children. When I spoke to them every one I spoke to agreed that I had a worse childhood than them. The reason being at least they had respite and knew they were loved, it was just that the love turned into the most vile violations against them. So I think I am fairly well placed to offer advice on how to overcome that.

My advice is this:

Forgive everyone.

2 words sum up what is required to move forward with God and this starts with a choice to want to do so. Forgive those that abused you, those that bullied you and yourself for allowing it to happen. Everyone and anyone.

This begins with a choice to forgive them. Pray and ask God to help you forgive them. Jesus dies on the cross that you may be forgiven your sins. It is a requirement as Christians that we forgive others as we have been forgiven our sin.

Once you have forgiven everyone it releases you into gods love. The next step is to put God first. I have only recently learned about what is currently going under the name of soul ties. Breaking soul ties with abusers, former friends, girlfriends, etc with whom there was a negative connection can have a massive effect on your life. Do your own research on it and break negative ties to your past including if necessary the negative ties to your family (parents and siblings). You should have ties to your wife and children, I am not suggesting you break these, however if there are negative ties they do need to be dealt with so only healthy ones remain.

And read your bible daily.

 

[Halbhh]

I have a been a Christian my whole life. I grew up in the church, went most Sundays, repented for my sins, asked for forgiveness and asked the Lord to be my savior. I got baptized on April 15, 1999. I have seen God work in amazing ways in my own life and others.

However, I can’t say I’ve ever felt the presence of God.

Wait…what? Isn’t that something that a Christian should be able to relate to? Feeling his peace, love, and presence? Or some kind of spiritual awakening that helps them on their journey? Being filled with the Holy Spirit (and maybe speaking in tounges or some other sign)?

Nope…I feel as my entire life it has just been a mostly “natural” walk or “physical” walk with only glimpses of seeing something spiritual. I’m told I have the holy spirit when I asked the Lord into my life. However, I lack most of the fruits of the spirit. I hear about this power people have received from God to drop their bad habits or addictions and be able to fully live alive unto God.

I grew up dealing with abuse and trauma at home and in the school. I was very socially awkward and get bullied a lot. Many friends deserted me. I was very angry and developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms that still haunt me to this today. I have an addictive personality. I tend to try to find things that make me feel better. People tell me that I should be going to God. I find myself being ruled by the flesh and not having “desires” that Christians should have, but instead having to deny myself of pleasures that the world so unabashedly and unashamedly enjoys. In fact, I feel shame every time I indulge in the things of the flesh. I shouldn’t “do that”. That’s not allowed. “Isn’t God enough?” is what I hear (in my mind at least and sometimes by others). To be honest, I wish it were. It’s not that easy. I have been vacillating even about writing this blog because I was afraid of offending God by saying his “religion” doesn’t work for me very well or something. (I know it’s not about religion; I’m just making a point).

I am very selfish. I tend to only care about my needs. I don’t truly care about anyone else. I mean, I do “care” but can’t relate to them on their level because I can only feel myself. I get agitated if I have to go out of my way to someone. Even loved ones. I feel guilty for complaining about it. I end up doing things anyway despite how I feel because it’s the right thing to do. Very rarely do I have the desire to do selfless things. I see others who do it so naturally. They just love people. They are so into their spouses and children. They seem happy and free. I feel that is not who I am but it should be. I get very defensive and say, “it’s not my fault I am this way!” … just to try to make myself feel better. In reality, it’s just another bit of selfishness rearing its ugly head. I end up keeping thoughts to myself because I feel like people at best wouldn’t understand me or at worst they would shun me.

I came to a realization the other day that may shed some light on my problem. I’ve never truly felt connected to anyone. I feel as if I walk alone in this world. I’m by myself. My wife is the closest I have come to feeling close to anyone…and even then I feel like I am not as close to her as I want to. Intimacy is a very scary thing. I can’t get too close to someone. I feel that having that lack of connection protects me from a lot of potential pain. The pain of losing a loved one or rejection. I had it all too much growing up. I feel as if someone died that I maybe my soul would not be absolutely crushed because I didn’t let myself get that close to them anyway. I feel like I have never truly loved or been loved. I know that I have been loved…what I am saying is I don’t FEEL it. My heart is just too wounded to receive it. I just cross between pain and numbness. I have only a glimpse of what love is by hearing someone else’s experience with it. I feel like it requires some fleshly indulgence to make me feel better, at least temporarily. Why doesn’t doing God’s will or doing the right thing give me “good vibes” or “emotions” so that I do it more often? Sadly, the best I have ever felt was from being buzzed from having several alcoholic beverages. This should not be!

I feel that if I DID know how to receive and give love, that I would be free of the things that keep me in bondage.

I also feel that I don’t deserve it. I’m just one of billions of people (think Place in this World by Michael W. Smith). What makes me so special? A lot of the time I feel that I’m not going to make it. I’m going to eventually blow it and lose my wife, kids, house, career, even my sanity. I don’t have any promises otherwise. Sure, I’m told about all these promises in the bible…but then I read about what happens to you when you sin. I have a hard time reading the bible because a lot of the time it just messes with me and leaves me more confused than before. I am not sure if I’m on God’s good side or bad side. People try to console me and encourage me. But NOTHING EVER GETS THROUGH TO MY HEART. There seems to be a spiritual blockade that doesn’t let anything through.

Could this have any relation to why I can’t feel God? Or I can’t feel others because I can’t feel God? I don’t know how to do it. It’s a foreign concept to me. I pray that the Lord sends His spirit —or shows me a vision or appears to me…or something but I guess that’s just not for me. It’s for some Christians. (I know this may be a lie but it’s how I feel). I feel like I need spiritual deliverance. I have tried so many things but I never get that breakthrough. I feel like sometimes I just have to suck it up and try to make it through the next 50-60-70 years of my life and hopefully I end up on God’s merciful side instead of his wrathful side.

It’s a tough spiritual battle when everyone tells you what they think you need to hear but I go on struggling. I see it happen to others too. Does something bad have to happen to me before I finally get it? I hope not.

I know I said “I feel” a million times. But how else does one truly know they are right with God? That they are loved and everything will be alright? Words are not enough.

I appreciate your prayers. Know that I am not giving up. My search to know God will never end as long as I live.

Sorry that yesterday I didn't have time to read far, and responded only to the title and first paragraph. I wanted to be sure you got some response without having to wait more than 15 or 20 minutes, but had to attend to other duties. What I answered yesterday addressed perhaps the least important thing in your situation, just temperament (so I rewrote that a few minutes ago). Temperament is less powerful than experiences from childhood. Now, I'm reading further, and I see in some important ways you and I have had some similar experiences of trauma and/or lack of love in childhood. This is a powerful factor, but I have very good news. The profound effect of our childhood experiences can be changed. You asked "Could this have any relation to why I can’t feel God?" The answer is yes, the bad things that happen to many in childhood, like me or you, indeed can leave us dissociated from others and from our own feeling capacity. But, that can be changed, because there is something more powerful than the things in this world.

 

[Halbhh]

I have a been a Christian my whole life. I grew up in the church, went most Sundays, repented for my sins, asked for forgiveness and asked the Lord to be my savior. I got baptized on April 15, 1999. I have seen God work in amazing ways in my own life and others.

However, I can’t say I’ve ever felt the presence of God.

Wait…what? Isn’t that something that a Christian should be able to relate to? Feeling his peace, love, and presence? Or some kind of spiritual awakening that helps them on their journey? Being filled with the Holy Spirit (and maybe speaking in tounges or some other sign)?

Nope…I feel as my entire life it has just been a mostly “natural” walk or “physical” walk with only glimpses of seeing something spiritual. I’m told I have the holy spirit when I asked the Lord into my life. However, I lack most of the fruits of the spirit. I hear about this power people have received from God to drop their bad habits or addictions and be able to fully live alive unto God.

I grew up dealing with abuse and trauma at home and in the school. I was very socially awkward and get bullied a lot. Many friends deserted me. I was very angry and developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms that still haunt me to this today. I have an addictive personality. I tend to try to find things that make me feel better. People tell me that I should be going to God. I find myself being ruled by the flesh and not having “desires” that Christians should have, but instead having to deny myself of pleasures that the world so unabashedly and unashamedly enjoys. In fact, I feel shame every time I indulge in the things of the flesh. I shouldn’t “do that”. That’s not allowed. “Isn’t God enough?” is what I hear (in my mind at least and sometimes by others). To be honest, I wish it were. It’s not that easy. I have been vacillating even about writing this blog because I was afraid of offending God by saying his “religion” doesn’t work for me very well or something. (I know it’s not about religion; I’m just making a point).

I am very selfish. I tend to only care about my needs. I don’t truly care about anyone else. I mean, I do “care” but can’t relate to them on their level because I can only feel myself. I get agitated if I have to go out of my way to someone. Even loved ones. I feel guilty for complaining about it. I end up doing things anyway despite how I feel because it’s the right thing to do. Very rarely do I have the desire to do selfless things. I see others who do it so naturally. They just love people. They are so into their spouses and children. They seem happy and free. I feel that is not who I am but it should be. I get very defensive and say, “it’s not my fault I am this way!” … just to try to make myself feel better. In reality, it’s just another bit of selfishness rearing its ugly head. I end up keeping thoughts to myself because I feel like people at best wouldn’t understand me or at worst they would shun me.

I came to a realization the other day that may shed some light on my problem. I’ve never truly felt connected to anyone. I feel as if I walk alone in this world. I’m by myself. My wife is the closest I have come to feeling close to anyone…and even then I feel like I am not as close to her as I want to. Intimacy is a very scary thing. I can’t get too close to someone. I feel that having that lack of connection protects me from a lot of potential pain. The pain of losing a loved one or rejection. I had it all too much growing up. I feel as if someone died that I maybe my soul would not be absolutely crushed because I didn’t let myself get that close to them anyway. I feel like I have never truly loved or been loved. I know that I have been loved…what I am saying is I don’t FEEL it. My heart is just too wounded to receive it. I just cross between pain and numbness. I have only a glimpse of what love is by hearing someone else’s experience with it. I feel like it requires some fleshly indulgence to make me feel better, at least temporarily. Why doesn’t doing God’s will or doing the right thing give me “good vibes” or “emotions” so that I do it more often? Sadly, the best I have ever felt was from being buzzed from having several alcoholic beverages. This should not be!

I feel that if I DID know how to receive and give love, that I would be free of the things that keep me in bondage.

I also feel that I don’t deserve it. I’m just one of billions of people (think Place in this World by Michael W. Smith). What makes me so special? A lot of the time I feel that I’m not going to make it. I’m going to eventually blow it and lose my wife, kids, house, career, even my sanity. I don’t have any promises otherwise. Sure, I’m told about all these promises in the bible…but then I read about what happens to you when you sin. I have a hard time reading the bible because a lot of the time it just messes with me and leaves me more confused than before. I am not sure if I’m on God’s good side or bad side. People try to console me and encourage me. But NOTHING EVER GETS THROUGH TO MY HEART. There seems to be a spiritual blockade that doesn’t let anything through.

Could this have any relation to why I can’t feel God? Or I can’t feel others because I can’t feel God? I don’t know how to do it. It’s a foreign concept to me. I pray that the Lord sends His spirit —or shows me a vision or appears to me…or something but I guess that’s just not for me. It’s for some Christians. (I know this may be a lie but it’s how I feel). I feel like I need spiritual deliverance. I have tried so many things but I never get that breakthrough. I feel like sometimes I just have to suck it up and try to make it through the next 50-60-70 years of my life and hopefully I end up on God’s merciful side instead of his wrathful side.

It’s a tough spiritual battle when everyone tells you what they think you need to hear but I go on struggling. I see it happen to others too. Does something bad have to happen to me before I finally get it? I hope not.

I know I said “I feel” a million times. But how else does one truly know they are right with God? That they are loved and everything will be alright? Words are not enough.

I appreciate your prayers. Know that I am not giving up. My search to know God will never end as long as I live.

Because we are all so unique, it may be the best I could offer even with all I learned about emotional healing in those many years of work on myself before I found God is simply to tell you my own experience and not too much on ideas about how to heal. But I do want to tell you some how things I tried had effects, and what finally worked the best (and you'll see why by the end). Because of how damaging my childhood experiences were, I was afraid to meet people, afraid to be around strangers, afraid to speak up (ever), making friends was....dangerous feeling, and I only did it a bit here and there until after my 20s, and I would make like 1 friend and then rely on just that one person, because of the huge effort overcoming my own reluctance to talk with anyone other than in a very set role way. In a set role way I could. So that made me seemingly aloof. But I wasn't feeling numb always. I wanted to feel numb. It felt better to feel numb than to feel trembling fear. Like millions of people do, I sometimes imagined striking back at people (from my past), like our popular movies, blockbuster action movies show us. Overcoming our fear or hurt by hitting them back. But that wasn't my main response. My main response was fear, and avoidance. I spent a lot of time alone reading. Books were very, very good friends. Books often showed love. In my 20s after college though, I began to explore more and more what could be a way to change my self.

Soon, I found out that I was emotionally conditioned by the dramatically powerful and harmful things in my childhood. This isn't imagination folks -- I tried to commit suicide at age 8, but an intervention just in the nick of time saved my life. Before that, another time I climbed a fair sized tree into the highest branches and kept going till I fell. I walked away unharmed, by extraordinary luck of falling perfectly on a cushioned chair I'd used to get to the lowest branch, sinking the legs into the dirt like a perfect shock absorber (or was it luck?) People you may not know how horrific the home lives of so many kids are, but they are, even if you didn't know it.

So, learning in my 20s that I was in effect traumatized, like a post traumatic stress disorder, quite a real thing, substantial, I set out to do the steps of various therapies meant to help heal or change it. I tried a lot of stuff, and won't go into the details, but I spend evenings, hours at a time, weekends, many things, did a range of things, even faced some of my fears profoundly and joined a free-dance group, the kind that free spirited people do because they have little fear....or I thought they did, but later learned that many just like me were aiming to overcome fears. None of these significant things totally cured my condition, but they each had real effects. It's not a small thing when you are afraid of strangers for example to go to for instance a 2.5 hour evening event where the whole point is to sit face to face with complete stranger for minutes on end, then synchronize your breath with theirs for minutes on end, like 5 or 10, and then next also both place your hands on each other's hearts for minutes on end, then look into their eyes for more minutes, endless. So hard. It was so very hard to do. Half the time feeling like you can't breathe. See, I did things that weren't small, in order to change my conditioning, and these powerful things, many hundreds of hours altogether, counting the free dancing with strangers, and many other things, over dozens of evenings, stuff that really has an effect, real stuff, real conditioning.....was not enough to totally change my heart from being wounded. Meditating, lived in a meditation community actually for a year and a half, that's powerful. Helped. But not enough. I learned useful and strong ideas from therapists like Victor Frankel and others, to help overcome fears, and did what he said to do. Good stuff. Very helpful. Really made some difference. Not enough. Not all the way to truly wanting to just go out and meet total strangers.

So....because I didn't want to go meet total strangers, like a neighbor, I went ahead and did precisely just that, right next door.

My was my heart pounding. Knocking on their door, my knees were sorta weak, and I couldn't really breath well. When they answered, I could barely speak up. I just said "Hi...." Boy what a difficult few seconds those were next. I did manage to remember some kind of role like thing to say, like I'm your neighbor and I just thought I'd like to meet neighbors or something like that.

Other people reading this that didn't have traumatic childhoods, do you "love your neighbour as yourself", or not? Real question. Just curious if you are actually doing love your neighbor. Lives are at stake in a way, sometimes.

She was friendly, a mother of a college kid, and became a friend, actually a friend, that family.

Another neighbor was a therapist that liked the same rock band I did at that time, Zeppelin. Is that lucky or what (...now I think it was not just luck, but aid from above). Through him I later met one of the best friends of my life. This was back in my late 20s.

Now, with this wonderful new friend I had, for the first time ever I felt significantly loved by another person in addition to my grandmother. Notice I'm not asserting no one else loved me but only these 2 people. Not what I said. I said I felt loved. See the difference? It's one thing if someone loves you, but it's a whole different thing entirely if you yourself can experience, feel, that you are loved. You could consider that I was ready for that, and took the drastic risks, personal risk on the emotional level, to really connect. The kind of risk that makes some of your hairs turn grey. Like that. But....I was very lucky that this person, my friend, was there, showed up, connected with me. That connection was mostly him doing the connecting. It was fantastic luck, or....perhaps it wasn't luck, but from above.

Now, from one angle you could say I climbed a mountain, a high one. I worked literally (no exaggeration) hundreds and hundreds of hours on myself, on my conditioning, and finally, after all that time, got a real friend. Or....was one given to me? I don't know.

But I wasn't there yet. I was still afraid of strangers even after years of this wonderful and extraverted friend loving me and us close, and introducing me to I don't know how many dozens of people, many of them good friends of his, many acquaintances, many total strangers (we'd go out and just meet complete strangers in all sorts of places in the city, at random). In time, I was his best man at his wedding. We loved each other, real friendship. (he was about 25 years older than me, and has passed on now after an accident)

At moments, I felt or could imagine for a second I was about 1/2 of the way to normal, in terms of being able to just talk with people naturally. But I was still afraid of strangers.

Now I'm not. What happened? What finally actually did heal my heart, for real, was after I sought and found God, that eventually I finally realized in my late 40s, for the first time, that I could actually pray for my own heart to be healed of old wounds, that I could be able to love other people (more than just a carefully select one or maybe 2). And I was finally in a position to have real and full faith as I prayed that this prayer would be answered. This is what Christ said to us in Mark chapter 11 and other places, that we must pray with faith as we pray. It helped that I was praying for what I knew finally was perfectly aligned to the express will of God, that I love my neighbor, other people, better. So, praying for my heart to be healed was 100% aligned to God's will then, and so I could pray with total confidence I was doing as He wanted me to do, and believe as I prayed, as Christ instructed us. If you read in the Bible, you should only read in the 4 gospels at first, until you really are affected by Christ's words. They are powerful, and work in ways we do not understand. He can rescue people out of anything.

 

[DreamerOfTheHeart]

Your post was fine. One of the few extra long ones I actually mostly made my way through. I can tell you, right off, however, "petra007" is good code for me. So, there is that. Someone wrote that for you, or you are far more sophisticated and experienced then you are letting on.

The former is likely. I had no idea the meaning of my own name until four and a half decades later.

("Petra", stone... "007", like the spy, and the seven. This exactly and specifically points to the scene of the seven sided stone before Joshua the High Priest in Zechariah. Which figures heavily in Peter and Jude, but most of all, in Revelation.)

(Why the spy motiff, because it is very heavy in Scripture. And all of us who work already for the Kingdom, operate very much as human spies do in some core ways.)

... ;-) ...

But, to the meat of your post: I have very often lived this way, though I always know God is with me, because in my darkest of times, God made sure to make me aware of this. For instance, early on He pointed out to me that I am never alone in a very dark time in my youth.

As for presence, I have and do get that from some angel friends. One (of the Seven), most specifically operates very well in this way. Being near them, even just having a conversation with them online, is like being in a holy, peace aura pool.

But, then, others also make me aware of God's presence. Six others, specifically. However, that is not the same sort of presence.

As for holy, even most holy moments, I have had a lot of these. And they tend to be times when all are quiet, for reverence of what happened or what was said.

Finally, we really go in and out of all sorts of states all the time. Everyday we shift. But, when we are in a painful state, it can seem to eclipse the sun of our lives forever. It is never forever, never was forever in the past, and certainly will never be forever in the future.