Are My Parents Stagnating Their Autistic Adult Child (Me)?

[muichimotsu]

I did have something I was going forward with, but needed more input as to how my mother might take it, though of course that'll be relative

"I want to move towards more independence, so we should arrange for a meeting with the Vocational Rehabilitation office, I have the address and number for reference and have taken some steps.

But we need to cooperate in this process and I think you also need to see this video playlist where I explain my thoughts verbally rather than merely in text (Personal Processing - YouTube).

This is for both our benefits, I don’t wish to remain dependent, I need to move towards independence as an adult, as (my brother’s name) has, while I’ve not progressed at all, not even disability, which I brought up a month or so after my last appointment with (GP’s name).

Realistically, we cannot keep delaying this, it has to be done soon or it will not be nearly as easy when you are retired in say 10 years at the most.”

 

[Sam91]

I think it sounds very formal, more like 'I want a divorce kind of tone' rather than a 'Mum, I want to start doing more for myself. Therefore, I've got the contact information for the vocational rehabilitation office and need to make an appointment as I want to get a job.'

The way you said it would hurt me... then again your praents are more used to you.

 

[blackribbon]

And a dolphin is a mammal, just not a typical mammal

The phone book idea sounds okay, though even that may not entirely work given the scale I'm living in where anything in one major direction is farmland and businesses are concentrated a bit and then spread out again, because suburbanization and such.

The problem becomes a category of businesses for me given how general your idea seems to be at first glance

The phone book worked for me because I owned a car and it didn't matter where the company was that I talked to. You need to actual get out there and walk so you can see what is relatively close because distance is your limiting factor. However, they are basically the same technique.

 

[blackribbon]

I did have something I was going forward with, but needed more input as to how my mother might take it, though of course that'll be relative

"I want to move towards more independence, so we should arrange for a meeting with the Vocational Rehabilitation office, I have the address and number for reference and have taken some steps.

But we need to cooperate in this process and I think you also need to see this video playlist where I explain my thoughts verbally rather than merely in text (Personal Processing - YouTube).

This is for both our benefits, I don’t wish to remain dependent, I need to move towards independence as an adult, as (my brother’s name) has, while I’ve not progressed at all, not even disability, which I brought up a month or so after my last appointment with (GP’s name).

Realistically, we cannot keep delaying this, it has to be done soon or it will not be nearly as easy when you are retired in say 10 years at the most.”

If you made this declaration to me, I'd likely give you more independence...as in, stop helping you at all.

The first part is okay. Ask mom when she is available to go with you to the VR .. And then YOU call and make the appointment.

However, I think you should also be asking for more responsibly around your house to show you are making an effort to become more independent....and you also need to realize that your older brother is being helped right now. Their finances and energy can only go so far and by waiting, your parents will be able to give you more attention then. Again, first you need to prove YOU are doing something towards being independent before you ask them to put themselves out for you.

 

[muichimotsu]

I think it sounds very formal, more like 'I want a divorce kind of tone' rather than a 'Mum, I want to start doing more for myself. Therefore, I've got the contact information for the vocational rehabilitation office and need to make an appointment as I want to get a job.'

The way you said it would hurt me... then again your praents are more used to you.

Do you have suggestions?

I can't say how they'd react anymore than you and I've lived with them my whole life, that's the problem in being autistic as regards realistic and consistent communication. I seriously have to wonder if they're just planning something and not keeping me in the loop or otherwise have resigned themselves in some way. I'm certainly not in the vein of making accusations and I feel bad the thread can easily give off that tone

The question then becomes analyzing their parenting style in some general sense, almost a new thread

 

[muichimotsu]

If you made this declaration to me, I'd likely give you more independence...as in, stop helping you at all.

The first part is okay. Ask mom when she is available to go with you to the VR .. And then YOU call and make the appointment.

However, I think you should also be asking for more responsibly around your house to show you are making an effort to become more independent....and you also need to realize that your older brother is being helped right now. Their finances and energy can only go so far and by waiting, your parents will be able to give you more attention then. Again, first you need to prove YOU are doing something towards being independent before you ask them to put themselves out for you.

Helped in what way? Maybe I didn't say it, but he's gainfully employed, probably making decent money and saving it if he's confident in moving forward with this project; I don't think my parents are providing him financial support beyond the aspects that would also apply to me for the most part, they're advising, having done similar stuff or being more experienced in dealing with such things, but that's not the same thing, even if your point would stand that their focus is split in a way

They're aware of at least things I'm doing, though starting in the house limits the scale in a way so that the idea of my independence would seem forgettable by comparison. It'd just suggest to them I don't want to leave the house in any meaningful way and just be under their thumb still. The VR would almost be forgotten, I feel.

 

[Sam91]

Do you have suggestions?

I can't say how they'd react anymore than you and I've lived with them my whole life, that's the problem in being autistic as regards realistic and consistent communication. I seriously have to wonder if they're just planning something and not keeping me in the loop or otherwise have resigned themselves in some way. I'm certainly not in the vein of making accusations and I feel bad the thread can easily give off that tone

The question then becomes analyzing their parenting style in some general sense, almost a new thread

Yh, just informally let her know u want to take steps to a job and you hope that the vocational people might be a good first step as they might know of things in the area set up to help people with autism achieve that.

As a parent, putting videos on you tube are a little rude and I'd resent having to watch multiple videos posted by my daughter if they were longer than a couple of minutes.

A lot of these conversations usually occur informally during quiet moments in family life. If your mum is washing dishes it might be nice to stand beside her drying them and then talk. I expect my children to try to consider what I am doing when they approach me because most of my free time is spent looking after them and juggling so much in my head planning our lives. There is no brain room for anymore.

My 12 year old daughter chooses inopportune moments like when we leave the house and her escorted transport is about to come to pick her up or when I'm trying to think of a list of things in my head of what I need to do while I'm out of the house. When she tries to talk to me then I am rude enough to tell her that she can not talk to me about such things at that time.

I've explained why but she just doesn't get it. Maybe taking the time to find out from your parents when they are usually free to have these small, quick chats will help. I like to chat early in the evening after dinner, or at the weekend most as the days chores are done and my brain is free but everyone is different.

To start a formal conversation (which will be longer in durarion) at the time of you choosing is an imposition and means your parents might resent it at the time and subconciously find negatives in it because of it. Their better self may revisit it when alone and some good might come of it, or they might tally up more resentment to an imposed conversation.

 

[muichimotsu]

Yh, just informally let her know u want to take steps to a job and you hope that the vocational people might be a good first step as they might know of things in the area set up to help people with autism achieve that.

As a parent, putting videos on you tube are a little rude and I'd resent having to watch multiple videos posted by my daughter if they were longer than a couple of minutes.

A lot of these conversations usually occur informally during quiet moments in family life. If your mum is washing dishes it might be nice to stand beside her drying them and then talk. I expect my children to try to consider what I am doing when they approach me because most of my free time is spent looking after them and juggling so much in my head planning our lives. There is no brain room for anymore.


I've explained why but she just doesn't get it. Maybe taking the time to find out from your parents when they are usually free to have these small, quick chats will help. I like to chat early in the evening after dinner, or at the weekend most as the days chores are done and my brain is free but everyone is different.

To start a formal conversation (which will be longer in durarion) at the time of you choosing is an imposition and means your parents might resent it at the time and subconciously find negatives in it because of it. Their better self may revisit it when alone and some good might come of it, or they might tally up more resentment to an imposed conversation.

We don't really wash dishes like that, we have a dishwasher, so that's practically out the window

The videos are on a private playlist, very few people have likely seen them and I can literally check analytics for that, it was hardly something I just shared out of spite, I legitimately wanted to communicate, but could not bring myself to just say it

This seems to assume my parents are just going to regard me as needing to conform to NT standards rather than at least having some basic understanding that I'm not going to communicate the same way as my brother would. Also seems like a false dichotomy of how they'd look at such things

If anything, you're just adding more qualifications here and that's not helping my anxiety and concerns over even breaching the subject when I have to basically act as if my own parents won't be able to process things like this based on particular preconceptions.

And the notion of not wanting to bother them is fundamentally at the core of my anxiety on it in the first place, even small talk feeling pointless at times or just trying not to confront reality and just act like it's all okay (it's not)

I'm not asking for a formal conversation, that would arguably come later, it's gradual steps at first, which at most is arranging the VR appointment in the next few weeks.

 

[Sam91]

We don't really wash dishes like that, we have a dishwasher, so that's practically out the window

The videos are on a private playlist, very few people have likely seen them and I can literally check analytics for that, it was hardly something I just shared out of spite, I legitimately wanted to communicate, but could not bring myself to just say it

This seems to assume my parents are just going to regard me as needing to conform to NT standards rather than at least having some basic understanding that I'm not going to communicate the same way as my brother would. Also seems like a false dichotomy of how they'd look at such things

If anything, you're just adding more qualifications here and that's not helping my anxiety and concerns over even breaching the subject when I have to basically act as if my own parents won't be able to process things like this based on particular preconceptions.

And the notion of not wanting to bother them is fundamentally at the core of my anxiety on it in the first place, even small talk feeling pointless at times or just trying not to confront reality and just act like it's all okay (it's not)

I'm not asking for a formal conversation, that would arguably come later, it's gradual steps at first, which at most is arranging the VR appointment in the next few weeks.

This is why I suggested mentioning while doing something. It's easier to have a conversation when working on a task together. If you don't do dishes maybe while emptying or helping to load the dishwasher. I don't know I'm not in your house.

It's not adding more conditions. Most of our family's plans take the form of one of my kids telling me something and I'll often acknowledge it and then mention it myself later. If I don't then they remind me and I'll then tell them what I thought about it and we'll sort out a date or I'll apologise and arrange when I'll give them the money.

We have very few formal conversations. I'm waiting for my son to get on with his college application. We haven't had a big chat about this. Just a couple of minutes (and less) a few times over the last 7 months. It is now the time that he should be doing it. I want him to be independent so I'll just remind him about it today.

If he hasn't made his college application in the next week or so I'll have to sit down with him and get him started. Then I'll leave him alone to fill it in and will look over it and offer suggestions. But ideally this should be coming from him, not me. Otherwise I am pushing him to do something and that is not coming from him. He is of the age where he should be taking more responsibility for his choices. Too much help from me and he won't do it. These should be his decisions and his effort. I am just one person he can consult who has wisdom and experience in the matter. Then it is down to him...

Infact, I shall just go into the kitchen get him to read this post... no need to chat then

 

[blackribbon]

instead of drying dishes, help fold and put away clothes with your mom. No house has an automatic folding machine that I know of.

You are great at coming up with reasons why you can't be independent. I think you will continue to win at this argument here. It sort of sounds like you have already won this discussion with your parents which is why you are 32 years old and have no job. (And again, any disability money you get should actually go to your parents to help pay for your food, share of the electric and water bill, and rent.) If you really want to get out of the house, start looking for group homes that might accept you.

 

[muichimotsu]

It's not adding more conditions. Most of our family's plans take the form of one of my kids telling me something and I'll often acknowledge it and then mention it myself later. If I don't then they remind me and I'll then tell them what I thought about it and we'll sort out a date or I'll apologise and arrange when I'll give them the money.

We have very few formal conversations. I'm waiting for my son to get on with his college application. We haven't had a big chat about this. Just a couple of minutes (and less) a few times over the last 7 months. It is now the time that he should be doing it. I want him to be independent so I'll just remind him about it today.

If he hasn't made his college application in the next week or so I'll have to sit down with him and get him started. Then I'll leave him alone to fill it in and will look over it and offer suggestions. But ideally this should be coming from him, not me. Otherwise I am pushing him to do something and that is not coming from him. He is of the age where he should be taking more responsibility for his choices. Too much help from me and he won't do it. These should be his decisions and his effort. I am just one person he can consult who has wisdom and experience in the matter. Then it is down to him...

It's as much finding an opportune time, but even moreso now that I have so many different suggestions to improve the message I formulated.

I'm not even sure how to improve it in the first place now, essentially throwing it in the garbage in terms of any real usefulness it might've had

 

[muichimotsu]

instead of drying dishes, help fold and put away clothes with your mom. No house has an automatic folding machine that I know of.

You are great at coming up with reasons why you can't be independent. I think you will continue to win at this argument here. It sort of sounds like you have already won this discussion with your parents which is why you are 32 years old and have no job. (And again, any disability money you get should actually go to your parents to help pay for your food, share of the electric and water bill, and rent.) If you really want to get out of the house, start looking for group homes that might accept you.

We do our laundry separately, the problem seems to be assuming we're that close in general (we're not)

It's not reasons I can't so much as factors that make it difficult, which is different than impossible (not remotely what I'm claiming)

What discussion did I really have when I've established reasonably we don't communicate on this stuff in the first place?

 

[Sam91]

It's as much finding an opportune time, but even moreso now that I have so many different suggestions to improve the message I formulated.

I'm not even sure how to improve it in the first place now, essentially throwing it in the garbage in terms of any real usefulness it might've had

I don't think anyone assumes that you are close. You have accused your parents of many things and made it clear that you feel like your needs are neglected. However, you have also made it clear how you avoid them and keep different hours.

It's not a bad thing if you have scrapped your first note as it was a bit much in my opinion. Rather than state your end goal of independance, reformulate it to a reasonable intermediate goal. They can extrapolate and know that if you work you are getting more independence for yourself.

So advise them of your intermediary goal of finding work and ask for advice, a lift to VR.

 

[muichimotsu]

I don't think anyone assumes that you are close. You have accused your parents of many things and made it clear that you feel like your needs are neglected. However, you have also made it clear how you avoid them and keep different hours.

It's not a bad thing if you have scrapped your first note as it was a bit much in my opinion. Rather than state your end goal of independance, reformulate it to a reasonable intermediate goal. They can extrapolate and know that if you work you are getting more independence for yourself.

So advise them of your intermediary goal of finding work and ask for advice, a lift to VR.

You think I intentionally avoid them rather than it just being the hours I keep incidentally? I don't even know basic things like schedule or changes in that, which would certainly help if they were going to try and arrange anything.

Accusations, in terms of tone, would be unfair to them, I'm considerate enough to the point that it plays into my hesitation to breach such subjects in the first place (having only really had to even open up remotely once in college and one could observe, with further explanation on my part, that it was just "coddling" me more in terms of confronting that problem I had)

Honestly, there's too many things as it is I want to breach the subject on, including something that I have to wonder how they haven't considered it's been 8 years since they got my mattress (which I paid half of btw)

Advice? I need to even breach the idea of the VR aspect, which gets into applying for disability (or at least the assessment therein), which I brought up at least briefly from my GP suggesting it early last year.

Really just seems like I need the first part and everything else is just optional until a later point, not sure what I need to change about this

"I want to move towards more independence, so we should arrange for a meeting with the Vocational Rehabilitation office, I have the address and number for reference and have taken some steps."

 

[Sam91]

You think I intentionally avoid them rather than it just being the hours I keep incidentally? I don't even know basic things like schedule or changes in that, which would certainly help if they were going to try and arrange anything.

Accusations, in terms of tone, would be unfair to them, I'm considerate enough to the point that it plays into my hesitation to breach such subjects in the first place (having only really had to even open up remotely once in college and one could observe, with further explanation on my part, that it was just "coddling" me more in terms of confronting that problem I had)

Honestly, there's too many things as it is I want to breach the subject on, including something that I have to wonder how they haven't considered it's been 8 years since they got my mattress (which I paid half of btw)

Advice? I need to even breach the idea of the VR aspect, which gets into applying for disability (or at least the assessment therein), which I brought up at least briefly from my GP suggesting it early last year.

Really just seems like I need the first part and everything else is just optional until a later point, not sure what I need to change about this

"I want to move towards more independence, so we should arrange for a meeting with the Vocational Rehabilitation office, I have the address and number for reference and have taken some steps."

Yes! I think that is great. It sounds much better without the rest of it. It is much shorter, and has a better tone now and your not asking them to watch all those videos which complicates it. Maybe just change it to 'when should we arrange'... ? I think you've got it just right and now you can fit it in to day to day life conversation.

You just need to arrange to coincide your life with theirs a little more often and you can keep up a dialogue going between you about this and possibly mention yr mattress easier too at some point.

 

[blackribbon]

By allowing your life to go to hours that they are not awake or available, you have chosen to not be available to "be close" or even interact with them. If you want to be independent, you need to change to dayshift hours because that is where the majority of jobs are...and the jobs that are night shift are not really practical for a person who walks in a less than safe area (though my brother did it for years). Also, if you want to interact with your parents, you need to be available when they are available. They can't change their jobs to suit your personal desires...especially, since those jobs are not luxury items but the real life reason that your electric bill gets paid and food gets put in the kitchen.

You are the champion for making excuses on why you are not able to this or that. Too bad you don't bother to turn some of that energy to trying to actually solve some of your problems. You don't seem to get that you can actually sit next to your mom and fold towels even if you do your own laundry at a different time.

At my house we also do our own laundry...but if you want to see me smile, it is when someone even just folds the towels that seem to fall under my "chores" because I am the "mom". Other items, include when they clean the bathroom or put away the clean dishes so I don't have to do that. Guess what? Completing the chores that I am normally stuck with opens up time to do other things...including spending time with my kids or going places with them. (WOW...moms have needs too and don't really enjoy doing all the chores they do without complaining...) And trust me, I am a lot less likely to want to spend time with my kids if I am feeling taken advantage of. (However, note, my adult kids do most of the grocery shopping and run errands without a complaint for me all the time...which I really appreciate because my job is seriously exhausting - mentally and physically).

 

[Sam91]

By allowing your life to go to hours that they are not awake or available, you have chosen to not be available to "be close" or even interact with them. If you want to be independent, you need to change to dayshift hours because that is where the majority of jobs are...and the jobs that are night shift are not really practical for a person who walks in a less than safe area (though my brother did it for years). Also, if you want to interact with your parents, you need to be available when they are available. They can't change their jobs to suit your personal desires...especially, since those jobs are not luxury items but the real life reason that your electric bill gets paid and food gets put in the kitchen.

You are the champion for making excuses on why you are not able to this or that. Too bad you don't bother to turn some of that energy to trying to actually solve some of your problems. You don't seem to get that you can actually sit next to your mom and fold towels even if you do your own laundry at a different time.

At my house we also do our own laundry...but if you want to see me smile, it is when someone even just folds the towels that seem to fall under my "chores" because I am the "mom". Other items, include when they clean the bathroom or put away the clean dishes so I don't have to do that. Guess what? Completing the chores that I am normally stuck with opens up time to do other things...including spending time with my kids or going places with them. (WOW...moms have needs too and don't really enjoy doing all the chores they do without complaining...) And trust me, I am a lot less likely to want to spend time with my kids if I am feeling taken advantage of. (However, note, my adult kids do most of the grocery shopping and run errands without a complaint for me all the time...which I really appreciate because my job is seriously exhausting - mentally and physically).

Yh I feel that way too with mine. It makes me very appreciative.

 

[muichimotsu]

Yes! I think that is great. It sounds much better without the rest of it. It is much shorter, and has a better tone now and your not asking them to watch all those videos which complicates it. Maybe just change it to 'when should we arrange'... ? I think you've got it just right and now you can fit it in to day to day life conversation.

You just need to arrange to coincide your life with theirs a little more often and you can keep up a dialogue going between you about this and possibly mention yr mattress easier too at some point.

I'm not expecting them to watch all the videos at once, we all have to stagger such things with time constraints

You realize this isn't something of a script, I'm sending a message. Sure, it's distant, but I don't think it's such that I'm suggesting we always communicate that way, but sometimes, it's better to manage my words in that way to communicate important points

 

[blackribbon]

I'm not expecting them to watch all the videos at once, we all have to stagger such things with time constraints

You realize this isn't something of a script, I'm sending a message. Sure, it's distant, but I don't think it's such that I'm suggesting we always communicate that way, but sometimes, it's better to manage my words in that way to communicate important points

Your parents are of the generation that a carefully written note would likely go over better than a video. And that is pushing it. You would be best to write down what you want to say, or at least outline it, and talk to them directly. That is how people who care about each other talk.

If my kids were to ask me to watch a video, I'd already be hurt and angry before hitting play...not the best mindset to start a conversation. Your parents and my generation come from a worldview that discussing anything serious isn't even done over the phone unless there is no other way to do it. We like face to face.

 

[muichimotsu]

Your parents are of the generation that a carefully written note would likely go over better than a video. And that is pushing it. You would be best to write down what you want to say, or at least outline it, and talk to them directly. That is how people who care about each other talk.

If my kids were to ask me to watch a video, I'd already be hurt and angry before hitting play...not the best mindset to start a conversation. Your parents and my generation come from a worldview that discussing anything serious isn't even done over the phone unless there is no other way to do it. We like face to face.

Not sure it's your place to assume how my parents will react based on your personal tendencies regarding a thing like a video (which would come later, practically speaking anyway)

Me caring about them does not require me to conform to what they desire rather than us meeting in the middle about this like civil reasonable people. Maintaining what one group wants is hardly the way to advance any meaningful change or bridging a gap, it just creates an insular attitude with a generation that things it deserves special treatment based on their age

You can like face to face and I can arrange that, it's not like there isn't a compromise to be made here and it's also not as if I never speak face to face with my parents, but you still fail to understand the basic problem of my anxiety in regards to engaging like that in the first place