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Are My Parents Stagnating Their Autistic Adult Child (Me)?

muichimotsu

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By allowing your life to go to hours that they are not awake or available, you have chosen to not be available to "be close" or even interact with them. If you want to be independent, you need to change to dayshift hours because that is where the majority of jobs are...and the jobs that are night shift are not really practical for a person who walks in a less than safe area (though my brother did it for years). Also, if you want to interact with your parents, you need to be available when they are available. They can't change their jobs to suit your personal desires...especially, since those jobs are not luxury items but the real life reason that your electric bill gets paid and food gets put in the kitchen.

You are the champion for making excuses on why you are not able to this or that. Too bad you don't bother to turn some of that energy to trying to actually solve some of your problems. You don't seem to get that you can actually sit next to your mom and fold towels even if you do your own laundry at a different time.

At my house we also do our own laundry...but if you want to see me smile, it is when someone even just folds the towels that seem to fall under my "chores" because I am the "mom". Other items, include when they clean the bathroom or put away the clean dishes so I don't have to do that. Guess what? Completing the chores that I am normally stuck with opens up time to do other things...including spending time with my kids or going places with them. (WOW...moms have needs too and don't really enjoy doing all the chores they do without complaining...) And trust me, I am a lot less likely to want to spend time with my kids if I am feeling taken advantage of. (However, note, my adult kids do most of the grocery shopping and run errands without a complaint for me all the time...which I really appreciate because my job is seriously exhausting - mentally and physically).
And you appear to be the champion to insist I fit into something that would work for most, but wouldn't necessarily given circumstances. Also, that's bit of a backhanded "compliment" Suggesting I just go into something and disregarding other factors that would make it difficult is putting a square peg in a round hole and expecting it to fit.

Not sure where I'm implying I expect them to change their schedules, it's as much that we've drifted apart and I don't know where to start in regards to that, since such a thing would require group therapy of some kind, most likely

I don't know when she's folding laundry, you keep assuming we're close in that sense, but if we were, it wouldn't be the situation it is.

Wow, let's just assume someone's being intentionally malicious or spiteful about something rather than it being a matter of communication in some meaningful sense

So much of this can just as much boil down to, if you had more information, essentially putting the blame more on my parents in terms of how they've treated me, or at the very least, split the responsibility to both sides rather than reducing this to just me, even if I fully admit I contribute to it in some fashion.
 
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blackribbon

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And you appear to be the champion to insist I fit into something that would work for most, but wouldn't necessarily given circumstances. Also, that's bit of a backhanded "compliment" Suggesting I just go into something and disregarding other factors that would make it difficult is putting a square peg in a round hole and expecting it to fit.

Not sure where I'm implying I expect them to change their schedules, it's as much that we've drifted apart and I don't know where to start in regards to that, since such a thing would require group therapy of some kind, most likely

I don't know when she's folding laundry, you keep assuming we're close in that sense, but if we were, it wouldn't be the situation it is.

Wow, let's just assume someone's being intentionally malicious or spiteful about something rather than it being a matter of communication in some meaningful sense

So much of this can just as much boil down to, if you had more information, essentially putting the blame more on my parents in terms of how they've treated me, or at the very least, split the responsibility to both sides rather than reducing this to just me, even if I fully admit I contribute to it in some fashion.

I have given you very precise and practical information. I am also the age of your parents, likely a bit younger and yes, I do understand how we think. And yes, unlike your brother, I have helped my brother become independent in spite of his Asperger's and other issues that are very similar to yours. The difference is that he actually did what I suggested (after yelling at me and saying that I didn't understand ... and guess what, he lives independently and has been gainfully employed for most of his adult life...and even though he did learn to drive finally at 40, he has walked miles ... at night ... through less that desirable neighborhoods...in order to get to and from work (carried dog treats and a baseball bat).

You don't want to fit in the world. Guess what, EVERYONE has to learn to fit in the world. It doesn't come easily for anyone. Also most people do feel anxiety when having to have a serious discussion with our parents...so you aren't special there either. The difference is that you want the world to be easy and only do the easy things....but it isn't easy. Just a fact. And you aren't special for finding it hard to do hard things. The only difference is that you don't even try.

You are a 32 year old MAN. Not a child. Your parents aren't supposed to be parenting you anymore. They can help and advice, but they shouldn't be responsible for whether or not you succeed. Only you are responsible for that. And responsible people get a job...even a crappy, hard job...because it allows you to have freedom to make decisions and have some level of control over your life.

You can hid behind your autism/aspergers and whatever other diagnoses you have. Never forget that other people have the same diagnoses, even if you can't see them. We all have our hardships. However, in order to get ahead, you actually have to look up from focusing on yourself like a child does and start paying attention to the needs and hardships of OTHER people. You can't even see that your parents are getting older.

PS ... you know when your mother is folding towels by actually taking an interest in her and her life and paying attention to what she does.

Usually the person who wants something is the person who has to change. You want something from your parents...so yes, you are sort of obligated to go to them and they don't have to meet you halfway. But you can continue to talk to them (via video) in the way you want, but don't understand that you are using a means of communication they are less likely to respond to. Computers are something we barely touched until we were grown adults.

(Note: even the people at the VR don't adjust to your "needs" which is evident by the hours they are open...)

People don't owe you anything. Learning that is a huge step in getting independent. Own your life and stop hiding behind anxiety and asperger's and austism. If they are really so bad that you can't get out of the house and function at a job, then yes, you need to accept that you are always going to be dependent and living at your parent's home until they no longer can take care of you. And other people will always be making your adult decisions for you.
 
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Sam91

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Your parents are of the generation that a carefully written note would likely go over better than a video. And that is pushing it. You would be best to write down what you want to say, or at least outline it, and talk to them directly. That is how people who care about each other talk.

If my kids were to ask me to watch a video, I'd already be hurt and angry before hitting play...not the best mindset to start a conversation. Your parents and my generation come from a worldview that discussing anything serious isn't even done over the phone unless there is no other way to do it. We like face to face.
Even as a parent of your generation (OP) I would agree with BlackRibbon here. It would hurt me too.
 
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Sam91

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Your parents are of the generation that a carefully written note would likely go over better than a video. And that is pushing it. You would be best to write down what you want to say, or at least outline it, and talk to them directly. That is how people who care about each other talk.

If my kids were to ask me to watch a video, I'd already be hurt and angry before hitting play...not the best mindset to start a conversation. Your parents and my generation come from a worldview that discussing anything serious isn't even done over the phone unless there is no other way to do it. We like face to face.
Even as a parent of your generation (OP) I would agree with BlackRibbon here. It would hurt me too.
 
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muichimotsu

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Even as a parent of your generation (OP) I would agree with BlackRibbon here. It would hurt me too.
Again, your feelings do not reflect how my parents would feel, that's painfully myopic and presumptuous that you think someone will react the same way merely because they happen to have an autistic relative.
 
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blackribbon

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Again, your feelings do not reflect how my parents would feel, that's painfully myopic and presumptuous that you think someone will react the same way merely because they happen to have an autistic relative.

Actually, I said the reason I believe your mother would FEEL the same way is because we are of the same GENERATION and we are both mothers. I'd feel the same way if anyone tried to talk to me about something important over a pre-recorded video instead of face to face, if face to face was an option. This has nothing to do with someone being autistic or not.
 
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Sam91

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Again, your feelings do not reflect how my parents would feel, that's painfully myopic and presumptuous that you think someone will react the same way merely because they happen to have an autistic relative.
No, my post was not about autism and did not deserve a rude, disdainful response. I commend your parents for their patience.

In my politeness, there is much thst I haven't said but I shall say no more to you.
 
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muichimotsu

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Actually, I said the reason I believe your mother would FEEL the same way is because we are of the same GENERATION and we are both mothers. I'd feel the same way if anyone tried to talk to me about something important over a pre-recorded video instead of face to face, if face to face was an option. This has nothing to do with someone being autistic or not.
I didn't say I was going to talk primarily through the video and I wasn't discounting face to face as an option that will come up, I can understand speech tones to a point where my mom will make it clear we need to talk, I'm not that inept and I'm not that lazy, it's a gradation aspect for this conversation so it's not too much at once.

Not everyone in your generation necessarily feels that way even if they're also a mother, that's still hastily generalizing based on your experience and assumptions about how another person sharing particular traits would feel in a given situation like this
 
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muichimotsu

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No, my post was not about autism and did not deserve a rude, disdainful response. I commend your parents for their patience.

In my politeness, there is much thst I haven't said but I shall say no more to you.
I didn't say it was about autism directly beyond that mention, I'm saying you can't make that conclusion based on insufficent specious inferences about someone who shares certain traits with you
 
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blackribbon

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I didn't say I was going to talk primarily through the video and I wasn't discounting face to face as an option that will come up, I can understand speech tones to a point where my mom will make it clear we need to talk, I'm not that inept and I'm not that lazy, it's a gradation aspect for this conversation so it's not too much at once.

Not everyone in your generation necessarily feels that way even if they're also a mother, that's still hastily generalizing based on your experience and assumptions about how another person sharing particular traits would feel in a given situation like this

Do you actually know of anyone (NT) in your parent's generation that would prefer watching a video of their kid talking to them over having a face to face discussion? Do you realize how awkward and impersonal that sounds?

First you say you don't know how to communicate effectively with your parents and now you seem to be claiming you are the expert on communicating with your parents....and that they are so very different from the rest of people in their generation.

Good luck with that.
 
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muichimotsu

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I'm not claiming some expertise, I'm saying you're myopically constraining how they would react to a video without even knowing the context of the video (I recorded it, it's not someone else's video, it makes it far more personal in that respect)

It sounds impersonal and awkward when you assume that everyone has to communicate certain things a way you think is "normal", but that's not remotely reasonable anymore than me assuming everyone has to communicate my way, I'm able to compromise

I would think anyone would reasonably not just constrain their parents based on stereotyping and generalization rather than considering them as individuals based on your experience, limited as it may be, as to their psychology and disposition in reacting to things as relates to their child rather than other contexts.
 
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blackribbon

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I'm not claiming some expertise, I'm saying you're myopically constraining how they would react to a video without even knowing the context of the video (I recorded it, it's not someone else's video, it makes it far more personal in that respect)

It sounds impersonal and awkward when you assume that everyone has to communicate certain things a way you think is "normal", but that's not remotely reasonable anymore than me assuming everyone has to communicate my way, I'm able to compromise

I would think anyone would reasonably not just constrain their parents based on stereotyping and generalization rather than considering them as individuals based on your experience, limited as it may be, as to their psychology and disposition in reacting to things as relates to their child rather than other contexts.

My experience with people of my generation isn't "limited" or just based on my interaction with a few. Your parents could be the exception, you are right. However, they are more likely to be the "norm" (the definition of "norm" in fact).

Again, I don't think it will be very effective. I think you would be more benefited as using this as a practice run for interacting with other difficult relationships, like a boss.

And yes, they might do it just because they love you and you are their child (whom obviously prefers to be thought of as a child). That doesn't mean it will help you get what you want. It is more likely to show that you aren't ready to be independent because you have no desire to try to 'adjust and fit' in the world but expect everyone else to 'adjust and fit' to you.

But you don't need my approval or consent on how you decide to attempt to communicate with your parents. But recognize that your method may be at fault if they don't "get" what you are trying to say.
 
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blackribbon

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When are you going to decide that you are an adult and not a child? A very dependent adult, but an adult none the less.

Your parent's role is advice and guidance. They are not obligated to actually help or provide resources for an adult child. What they give you is out of love, so a gift.
 
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muichimotsu

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Do you think I've never talked with a boss in any professional setting at all? I've had temp jobs, I've needed to ask them about some particular task or the like, it's not THAT foreign a concept to me

Not sure if you udnerstand the nuance of a child and someone being childish. I'm demonstrably their child, that doesn't really change, the independent nature is what adjusts over time and that's the focus here. My desire for it isn't the issue, it's more fundamental in aspects that cannot be placed squarely on one person for the blame

I'm not expecting my method to be perfect, don't think I remotely implied that, I accept that it might not work, I'm not working on unrealistic expectations

By your logic, my parents are effectively coddling me, given that they have not seemingly brought up a notion of getting disability, which would likely help cover cost for my prescription or my GP visits, so it's more like you don't want to remotely point out any problems that might exist on their side (partly because I haven't brought it up) rather than just making it entirely me, as if a family is not a dynamic relationship
 
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blackribbon

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Do you think I've never talked with a boss in any professional setting at all? I've had temp jobs, I've needed to ask them about some particular task or the like, it's not THAT foreign a concept to me

Not sure if you udnerstand the nuance of a child and someone being childish. I'm demonstrably their child, that doesn't really change, the independent nature is what adjusts over time and that's the focus here. My desire for it isn't the issue, it's more fundamental in aspects that cannot be placed squarely on one person for the blame

I'm not expecting my method to be perfect, don't think I remotely implied that, I accept that it might not work, I'm not working on unrealistic expectations

By your logic, my parents are effectively coddling me, given that they have not seemingly brought up a notion of getting disability, which would likely help cover cost for my prescription or my GP visits, so it's more like you don't want to remotely point out any problems that might exist on their side (partly because I haven't brought it up) rather than just making it entirely me, as if a family is not a dynamic relationship

I think getting you on disability when you can work would be coddling. I suspect that you constantly are talking about what you can't do and why you can't do it, like you do here and they just got tired of fighting with you. They think you can work which is evidenced by them helping you get the temporary jobs. It is up to you to be so good that the employer either wants to keep you as a regular employee, even on a part time basis or recommends you to others. Your parents can't do that for you.
 
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muichimotsu

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I think getting you on disability when you can work would be coddling. I suspect that you constantly are talking about what you can't do and why you can't do it, like you do here and they just got tired of fighting with you. They think you can work which is evidenced by them helping you get the temporary jobs. It is up to you to be so good that the employer either wants to keep you as a regular employee, even on a part time basis or recommends you to others. Your parents can't do that for you.

Quite the contrary, we don't really talk about this in the slightest, that's the problem far more than any imagined entitlement you think I'm exhibiting to my parents, which I'm certain they would point out (they're not that naive).

And that help has dried up not because I didn't do good work, but because there aren't open jobs in that department in general, it's as much logistical in that, as I pointed out, they don't hire outside of their preferred grouping anymore, it's as much a practical necessity for financial purposes as just to avoid needless paperwork that may have been costing them money for whatever reason.
 
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Jxp5328

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@muichimotsu I made this account just to send you this message.

I'm a 26 year old Christian male with Asperger's who just moved out. I use this saying "if you want something, make it happen". It's on you to do what it takes to make your life the way you want it. That's part of being an adult. No more blaming your parents. If you need help, pray and ask others

Your original post described you as being hesitant to even place a phone call because you prefer email. Which lead to complications and frustration. You have to figure out how to overcome these obstacles, if you can't buck up and make the call yourself then ask someone to help you with it. What you can't do is give up when you hit a roadblock and start spreading blame around. That's a waste of time. That's stagnating

Be thoughtful in your planning and gritty in your execution, meaning if it doesn't work try again or try something else. Doesn't matter why things are bad, the question is how are you going to make them better?
 
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muichimotsu

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@muichimotsu I made this account just to send you this message.

I'm a 26 year old Christian male with Asperger's who just moved out. I use this saying "if you want something, make it happen". It's on you to do what it takes to make your life the way you want it. That's part of being an adult. No more blaming your parents. If you need help, pray and ask others

Your original post described you as being hesitant to even place a phone call because you prefer email. Which lead to complications and frustration. You have to figure out how to overcome these obstacles, if you can't buck up and make the call yourself then ask someone to help you with it. What you can't do is give up when you hit a roadblock and start spreading blame around. That's a waste of time. That's stagnating

Be thoughtful in your planning and gritty in your execution, meaning if it doesn't work try again or try something else. Doesn't matter why things are bad, the question is how are you going to make them better?
Who says I'm blaming them in the sense that I admit no fault on my end? This isn't either/or as a situation, it's a mutual problem because both sides are at fault in some manner, it's rarely so one sided, if ever. Also, not sure you realize, prayer is not really my thing at all. Asking others, sure, but there's as much an issue of scheduling in general that can muck that up even if there is the motivation to push forward on both people's parts. Life gets busy for people these days, I can plan ahead only so much, some things will just fall apart in regards to some plan we have

And who says I was giving up? We've started Vocational Rehabilitation a week or so ago, though I'm already sensing slight issues from the first appointment in the notion that everyone else involved so far is convinced I just need help finding a job and in no way would consider disability as something that can assist in any manner.

It's as if they think even going there is just "giving up" or some other antiquated nonsense that encourages damaging treatment of those who aren't going to fit into a neat little box for NT's to pull them around by the nose and conform.

The core problem here is a dynamic between me and my parents that we've failed to consider is anything potentially bad in what it's encouraged on both sides: the notion that I just have to conform to my parents' expectations or otherwise not be allowed any sense of variability from, say, my brother getting a job in the same place they are, even the same region in general, because it's somehow more convenient rather than a sense of being controlling that I've only started to perceive. The very notion of even moving out and such seems like it's almost considered a non-option

That advice feels patently simplistic: if you don't address the core of a problem, you can either make it worse or otherwise not really solve it in a meaningful manner. A tree that's diseased will not be cured by clipping the branches, but getting to the roots
 
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Jxp5328

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Who says I'm blaming them in the sense that I admit no fault on my end? This isn't either/or as a situation, it's a mutual problem because both sides are at fault in some manner, it's rarely so one sided, if ever. Also, not sure you realize, prayer is not really my thing at all. Asking others, sure, but there's as much an issue of scheduling in general that can muck that up even if there is the motivation to push forward on both people's parts. Life gets busy for people these days, I can plan ahead only so much, some things will just fall apart in regards to some plan we have

And who says I was giving up? We've started Vocational Rehabilitation a week or so ago, though I'm already sensing slight issues from the first appointment in the notion that everyone else involved so far is convinced I just need help finding a job and in no way would consider disability as something that can assist in any manner.

It's as if they think even going there is just "giving up" or some other antiquated nonsense that encourages damaging treatment of those who aren't going to fit into a neat little box for NT's to pull them around by the nose and conform.

The core problem here is a dynamic between me and my parents that we've failed to consider is anything potentially bad in what it's encouraged on both sides: the notion that I just have to conform to my parents' expectations or otherwise not be allowed any sense of variability from, say, my brother getting a job in the same place they are, even the same region in general, because it's somehow more convenient rather than a sense of being controlling that I've only started to perceive. The very notion of even moving out and such seems like it's almost considered a non-option

That advice feels patently simplistic: if you don't address the core of a problem, you can either make it worse or otherwise not really solve it in a meaningful manner. A tree that's diseased will not be cured by clipping the branches, but getting to the roots

I'm not saying you should stop blaming them in the sense that you should admit fault yourself. I'm saying you need to move past the concept of fault entirely and focus on how to make things better.

Glad to hear you aren't giving up and are taking steps to move forward. If they are focused on helping you get a job that's an indication that they think (and I agree based on your communication here) you are "high functioning". And so they are right to think you'd be "settling" if you didn't find a job

If you expect to depend on your parents /others in the future, then yes you need to conform to their expectations to whatever degree they request of you. But if you set realistic expectations of self sufficiency and set those plans in motion, you will be free from such "conformity" standards

Yes the advice does seem simplistic because you are making it more complicated than it needs to be by hanging on to the concept of "fault/blame" and how that is distributed.
 
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muichimotsu

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I'm not saying you should stop blaming them in the sense that you should admit fault yourself. I'm saying you need to move past the concept of fault entirely and focus on how to make things better.

Glad to hear you aren't giving up and are taking steps to move forward. If they are focused on helping you get a job that's an indication that they think (and I agree based on your communication here) you are "high functioning". And so they are right to think you'd be "settling" if you didn't find a job

If you expect to depend on your parents /others in the future, then yes you need to conform to their expectations to whatever degree they request of you. But if you set realistic expectations of self sufficiency and set those plans in motion, you will be free from such "conformity" standards

Yes the advice does seem simplistic because you are making it more complicated than it needs to be by hanging on to the concept of "fault/blame" and how that is distributed.

Fault is not something one should throw out entirely, that's still the kind of black/white thinking that's indirectly encouraging negative stereotypes of people with autism. Acknowledging fault in terms of a dynamic that's meant to be mutually respecting and communicating is not optional, it's arguably essential, because otherwise you can't solve the root issues.

Would you just say you can just work out a marriage if there is a consistent fault on the part of one or both spouses? No relationship is so simple in the romantic sense that one could just forgive and move on, because that's practically ignoring the underlying problem. And a familial relationship should be regarded in a similar fashion. Fixating on fault is not the same as acknowledging it as part of solving any given issue with interpersonal dynamics, I can't believe someone that's supposedly advising me is seemingly so naive on such a thing that autistic individuals are generally considered less capable at already, yet you're the one that's "better off"

Please don't use the functioning label, it's needlessly ableist in suggesting that autistic people must conform to notions of what is normal and be able to function to have real value in society, to say nothing of the "functioning" label tending to be focused on particular aspects that don't reflect functionality in a holistic fashion that even NT can vary wildly on.

My ability to communicate articulately here is no indication of my ability to communicate as such face to face (and generally that tends to be the case in regards to me trying to address interpersonal issues) And also is not indicative that I am able to function in contexts where someone else on the autism spectrum might be able to, it's not remotely that simple to reduce functionality to speech capacity.

There are different degrees of employment, you're still oversimplifying the whole situation to think I'm being lazy or settling in terms of considering disability at all, as if I'm not aware that it isn't meant to be something to live on in the slightest, but supplement income in general based on degree of disability

There's a difference between dependence in a basic sense and what would be codependence, a damaging relationship of a toxic nature. Their expectations as my parents are not automatically correct, let's not go down that authoritarian rabbit hole, they are as fallible as me, if not moreso in terms of that adage that "familiarity breeds contempt" and other traps parents tend to fall into

And I find it amusing you bring up being free of conformity, yet also suggest the functioning aspect of autism is necessary in terms of the understanding rather than considering disability on a spectrum and that one shouldn't need to segregate one group based on being able to conform to societal expectations of functionality, basically encouraging autistic masking and the like.

I'm not hanging onto it so much as you're trying to make it irrelevant entirely, as if I can just deal with something that's far deeper in the issues that have cropped up over the 6 years since I became "independent" based on healthcare considerations.
 
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