Appropriate discipline for racist remark

[Addison363]

My 13 year old (white) son was suspended from 8th grade today. An African-American child took some of my son's food. My son used a totally inappropriate racial epithet that starts with 'N'. The African-American used physical violence Both boys were punished by the school.

I believe this requires further discipline at home. What discipline do you feel fits his crime/behavior? I appologize to all on this forum for my son. I want to say, 'This isn't how we have raised him.' but there is evidence to the contrary. I would appreciate replies with discipline ideas that you feel fit. I would especially appreciate an ethnic perspective.

Thanks,

 

[laconicstudent]

You could probably find a KKK documentary. Preferably a brutally open one. He might respond in a more favorable fashion if he can see how utterly repellent the type of people who embrace the racist mindset were in the past.

 

[vespasia]

At 13 your son needs you to teach him about prejudice and what this can lead to people doing to other people. For example his use of that word resulted in the other child repsonding to him with physical aggresion.

Yes explain what happened in history but also explain that we try to learn from past mistakes and try to make things better for others.

Explain how this word was used to hurt others and make them seem less than human. Ask him how he would feel if he was treated as less then human for his colouring. Ask him how he thinks people who do this should be treated by others. If you can encourage him towards empathy for others he is less likely to use the first most hurtful word that he thinks of.

Pull on the example of South Africa at the end of aparteid so he can see a positive way of challenging prejudice.

Support the schools sanction. What he did was wrong.
As a parent you need to teach him why what he did was wrong and why repaying a wrong doing with another wrong is not the answer. Try using Romans 12 if he has got stuck on the other boy started it. Point out both were punished by the school for the wrong thing each did to the other.

If a child can see a punishment given is fair, if he knows that he can learn empathy for others from this incident, that he can be forgiven by you then
Keep the doors of communication open for him as right now he may feel ashamed and be sulky from not knowing how to express his feelings.

I have always found that kids always opt for a more severe sanction than I would impose. I seek to educate as at the end of the day we as adults have a responsibility to try and help children to grow and become mature adults. A thirteen year old is not an adult and still needs support to learn from mistakes. You as his dad are best placed to provide him a safe space to question and to learn why society says some things are not acceptable.

 

[h_lektronika]

I would walk him over to the other kid's house and make him give a sincere apology to the boy and his parents for the use of that slur. I mean, that's the FIRST thing I would do to my kid if he used that sort of language.

I'm sure you didn't raise him like that. Teens can be so impulsive, it isn't necessarily your fault. I know I spouted off some NASTY, HORRIBLE things to classmates when I was a teen. None of the words I used at school were words that EVER made an appearance in my home. We are talking about a house in which "crap" was considered fowl language worthy of the almighty belt. But yet I swore like a sailor at school. It's a teen thing, using vulgar or hateful language is part of their impulsiveness and desire to look rebellious and devil-may-care.

Look at me sounding like an old fart, commenting on teenagers. I was a teen in the nineties for crying out loud, I made it sound like a "back in MY day" speech. Yeesh.

 

[Avniel]

As a black american I would like to thank you for your concern and efforts to teach your son. Honestly I say education is the best pervention teach him the gory truth about where the N word comes from........Then have him report to the church on slavery, the civil rights and modern racism.

THANK YOU AGAIN!!!

 

[a1823]

You also need to remember that your son was acting in retaliation towards the physical violence used by the other boy. You son did not choose to say that word without a motive so you should go easy on him.
He is young and doesn't fully understand the meaning behind that word.

 

[Avniel]

You also need to remember that your son was acting in retaliation towards the physical violence used by the other boy. You son did not choose to say that word without a motive so you should go easy on him.
He is young and doesn't fully understand the meaning behind that word.

How insensative to a group of human beings that have suffered the most in the western world. Go easy on a child that said a term of hate? WoW the things Christians say sometimes(CHRIST LIKE BY THE WAY). I hope you don't think Oboma is muslim.

 

[tansy]

Well. I was just thinking, aside from the suggestions others have posted above (and I hate ANY kind of insulting..even mild ones).....maybe it would be constuctive also to perhaps discuss with your son better ways to handle the situation.
I'm not at all sure what I would have done at that age had someone done the same thing to me...probably would just let it go, as I wouldn't have known how to handle it myself. (I've always tended to let people walk all over me).

 

[CrystalBrooke]

You also need to remember that your son was acting in retaliation towards the physical violence used by the other boy. You son did not choose to say that word without a motive so you should go easy on him.
He is young and doesn't fully understand the meaning behind that word.

I've had people of all sizes, shapes and colors do things that ticked me off, but I NEVER used racial slurs against them..it never even crossed my mind. I understand that he was frustrated, but he needs to learn to express it in a much less hate filled way.

 

[mstrohm]

Sometimes the best "punishment" is not punitive. You certainly do not want your child to be bitter or have a huge amount of attention fall on this subject. And for sure you don't want your child to think that your real care or concern is out of your embarrassment or your reputation.

There are a few basic principles that I have found helpful over the years. First, remember that his offense was to God. God created pigment in the skin. God created that young man. He offended God. If you show great grief and sorrow, true sorrow for his offense to God's creation then your son may understand his offense. Second, I would get him together with a friend who is black. I would assume that should not be difficult. Right now it may not be best to have him get together with the young man he fought with, but rather someone who would be impartial to the circumstances that let to his outburst. Someone who could help him understand his offense and help him appreciate black and African American's point of view. Maybe you can have someone over for supper and they can share with your whole family. I would end that time in prayer for a new respect and love for everyone God created.

Remember you don't want to pile on him. You want him to come to an appreciation and love for all.

I pray God will give you wisdom and guidance and a clarity of how to handle this important teaching moment.

 

[Blue sapphire]

My 13 year old (white) son was suspended from 8th grade today. An African-American child took some of my son's food. My son used a totally inappropriate racial epithet that starts with 'N'. The African-American used physical violence Both boys were punished by the school.

I believe this requires further discipline at home. What discipline do you feel fits his crime/behavior? I appologize to all on this forum for my son. I want to say, 'This isn't how we have raised him.' but there is evidence to the contrary. I would appreciate replies with discipline ideas that you feel fit. I would especially appreciate an ethnic perspective.

Thanks,

My indepth reply just went south ....yet this one worked.....umm

 

[`Raine]

I'd be careful here. I know this isn't the post popular opinion, but your son said a bad word, while the other boy had first stolen from him, and then physically attacked him. Seems like he's already being punished enough. You may talk with him or have him research where the word came from and how hurtful he can be, but I assume an 8th grader already knows this.

The reason I say be careful is if he sees it blow out of proportion, or if he feels like he's receiving extra punishment because of the race issue, or that the boy is using the "race card" to get lesser punishment for attacking him, then those may foster real racist attitudes. At this point, he probably just used the first hurtful word that came to mind, without a lot of thought to the implications. Don't let the reaction to what may have been a careless remark be what plants the seed for hate and resentment.

I'm also wondering if you would have the same reaction if your son had called him a (derogatory term for a homosexual) instead? That's also very hurtful, and very often thrown about by kids that age.

Just wanted to add, if you want to have him volunteer or do a community project involving a group that helps racial minorities or focuses on civil rights, that's good too, but let him help pick out out. Don't enforce it as a punishment that he may resent, but as a fun way to meet others and get involved in the community.

 

[mcorton]

I reccomend getting him the book or audio-book Condi. It's the biography of Condalisa Rice and describes the race issues in Albama in the 60's that she lived through. Nor only isit interesting, educational but it builds respect for other cultures.

 

[Davin2]

Your son should be grounded and a good ol beating will do him good