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anyone know any good christian jokes?
- Thread starter Camila Smith
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This is one my dad told in church last Sunday ...
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around in the dark house, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".
The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. " Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. " The burglar relaxed and said ... "You're a funny bird. What's your name ?"
"Moses," Replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name that there Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
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A lady and her husband needed to make an unexpected visit to the dentist while on vacation. The lady told the dentist she didn't want novacaine, that she wanted to be in and out of the dental office as soon as possible.
The dentist told her she was certainly brave and asked her which tooth is it? She turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
The dentist told her she was certainly brave and asked her which tooth is it? She turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
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A clergyman, University professor and a hiker were all flying in a small plane with the pilot when it developed engine trouble and started to go down. The pilot grabbed one of the three parachutes and jumped out. The University professor said, "I am brilliant and the world needs me, so I'm taking this chute!", and he jumped out.
The clergyman told the young hiker to take the last parachute and to save himself.
The hiker replied, "We'll both be okay, cause there's still two chutes left. That brilliant professor just jumped out with my backpack!"
The clergyman told the young hiker to take the last parachute and to save himself.
The hiker replied, "We'll both be okay, cause there's still two chutes left. That brilliant professor just jumped out with my backpack!"
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Three pastors were in a boat together one day fishing.
One of the pastors said, "You know ... we never get to let our hair down and talk about our own personal struggles. Let's confess to each other the area in life where we struggle the most, ... so that we can pray for each other. " The pastors all agreed to do this.
The first Pastor said, I hate to admit this, but I have a problem with gambling. Sometimes I sneak out at night and gamble. My wife doesn't know anything about it.
The second Pastor says I'm ashamed to admit this, but I have a problem with drinking. When my wife's out-of-town, I'll go down into the basement and drink for days.
The third Pastor just sat there silently, while the other two waited and waited and waited.
Finally, they said ... "Now that we've confessed our own areas of struggle, we're not leaving until you tell us yours.
The silent pastor took a deep breath and said, ... "Alright, my greatest struggle is with gossip, ... and I can't wait to get off this boat!"
One of the pastors said, "You know ... we never get to let our hair down and talk about our own personal struggles. Let's confess to each other the area in life where we struggle the most, ... so that we can pray for each other. " The pastors all agreed to do this.
The first Pastor said, I hate to admit this, but I have a problem with gambling. Sometimes I sneak out at night and gamble. My wife doesn't know anything about it.
The second Pastor says I'm ashamed to admit this, but I have a problem with drinking. When my wife's out-of-town, I'll go down into the basement and drink for days.
The third Pastor just sat there silently, while the other two waited and waited and waited.
Finally, they said ... "Now that we've confessed our own areas of struggle, we're not leaving until you tell us yours.
The silent pastor took a deep breath and said, ... "Alright, my greatest struggle is with gossip, ... and I can't wait to get off this boat!"
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Paleophyte
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No, but...
An atheist is out for a walk in the woods one fine autumn day. He's lost deep in thought and not paying much attention to his surroundings, which is why he walks smack into the backside of a bear. As you might imagine, the bear is Not Amused and gives chase. The atheist runs like the devil himself were after him, which isn't all that far from the truth, but he can feel the bear catching up. Then a root trips him up and he falls, crying out, "God! Save Me!"
Time stops.
"Hypocrite!" booms a voice from the heavens. "All your life you have denied my existence yet now at it's end you beg for a miracle!"
"Well, when you say it like that..." stammers the atheist.
"Can you think of one good reason why I should deliver you from the consequences of your own folly?" asks The Lord.
"Not as such." admits the atheist with a sly look, "but would you consider making that bear a good Christian?"
"Done!" thunders The Lord and time resumes with a lurch. The bear pounces on the atheist's back, breaking it. Despite the terror and pain the atheist is amazed because he can here the bear speaking. In English. With an Oxford accent.
An atheist is out for a walk in the woods one fine autumn day. He's lost deep in thought and not paying much attention to his surroundings, which is why he walks smack into the backside of a bear. As you might imagine, the bear is Not Amused and gives chase. The atheist runs like the devil himself were after him, which isn't all that far from the truth, but he can feel the bear catching up. Then a root trips him up and he falls, crying out, "God! Save Me!"
Time stops.
"Hypocrite!" booms a voice from the heavens. "All your life you have denied my existence yet now at it's end you beg for a miracle!"
"Well, when you say it like that..." stammers the atheist.
"Can you think of one good reason why I should deliver you from the consequences of your own folly?" asks The Lord.
"Not as such." admits the atheist with a sly look, "but would you consider making that bear a good Christian?"
"Done!" thunders The Lord and time resumes with a lurch. The bear pounces on the atheist's back, breaking it. Despite the terror and pain the atheist is amazed because he can here the bear speaking. In English. With an Oxford accent.
Dear Lord, please bless this bounty which I am about to receive.
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- Oct 28, 2006
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Yes, I've heard that one. And Have you heard the one by Emo Phillips? It goes something like this:
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
The best God joke ever - and it's mine!
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Paleophyte
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I think that I heard a variation of that one just the other day. It's true then. There are no original jokes left.
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- Oct 17, 2015
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A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to New York City, thinking that he would work his way across the country. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The man, being intrigued, asked a minister who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The minister replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The man thanked the minister and went along his way. He then traveled to Philadelphia, Washington DC, Boston, and Chicago. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. In North Dakota he saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Regina Saskatchewan and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The man was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".
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A farm couple in Saskatchewan had their farm right up against the American border. North Dakota was just across the fence line. They had been aware for years that there was some dispute as to just where the border was. One day the mail brought an official envelope from the Canada / USA Border Commission. The husband read it aloud. It told them that after all relevant documents had been reviewed and a new survey had been completed, their property was determined to be in the USA and that their farm was now in North Dakota. They were asked to sign a document to acknowledge receipt of the notice and that they were not going to appeal the decision. The wife said “Sign it Frank, sign it! I don’t think that I can handle another Canadian winter!”
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Rescued One
...yet not I, but the grace of God that is with me
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When I visited Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco I saw Japanese, Koreans, Chinese, Mongolians, Tibetans, Taiwanese, Filipinos, Indonesians, Laotians, Cambodians, Vietnamese, Thais, Malayans, Burmese, Indians, Sri Lankans, Pakistanis and Afghans. I was astonished and said to my wife "What in heck are all these Canadians doing here?"
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An old bloke who'd never been to church in his life had to attend a conservative church service, due to an official function and was very nervous as he had no idea of the liturgical requirements. So he spoke to a young guy and asked him what to do.
"OK Gramps" the young bloke said, "I'll sit up on the balcony above you with a bag of dried peas, and every time you have to say 'Amen', I'll drop a pea on your head."
The old chap thought this was a great idea, and it was working well, with an "Amen" intoned right on the button each time.
But then there came a passage when all the congregation could hear was "Amen! Amen! Amen, amen, amen, amen, amen.....amen!"
A hoarse whisper could be heard echoing down the aisles.
"Shut up you idiot! The bag's burst!"
"OK Gramps" the young bloke said, "I'll sit up on the balcony above you with a bag of dried peas, and every time you have to say 'Amen', I'll drop a pea on your head."
The old chap thought this was a great idea, and it was working well, with an "Amen" intoned right on the button each time.
But then there came a passage when all the congregation could hear was "Amen! Amen! Amen, amen, amen, amen, amen.....amen!"
A hoarse whisper could be heard echoing down the aisles.
"Shut up you idiot! The bag's burst!"
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A Pastor went to the dentist for a new set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he got his new teeth, he talked for eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talked for ten minutes.
But the following Sunday, he talked for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to drag him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explained the first Sunday, he had some new false teeth, and his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums still hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But the third Sunday he said, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
The first Sunday after he got his new teeth, he talked for eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talked for ten minutes.
But the following Sunday, he talked for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to drag him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explained the first Sunday, he had some new false teeth, and his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums still hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But the third Sunday he said, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
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Which reminds me:
Frank and Joe went fishing on the bay one morning. They had been fishing companionably in silence for several hours when Frank said “Joe, I think I am going to have to divorce my Marsha. She has not spoken to me in over two months.” They fished in silence for another three hours when Joe said “Frank, I'd think twice about divorcing her. Women like that are very hard to find.”
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A bloke had been stranded on a desert island for years. But one day he spotted a ship in the distance. So he built a fire on the beach and sent smoke signals.
Soon a lifeboat landed on the beach and he was rescued. But the sailors were curious how he survived for so many years?
The man showed them how he got food and water, and then pointed out the home he'd built.
The sailors looked, but instead of one building they saw three.
They asked about the second building next to the man's house and he replied, "Oh, that's my church - I go there to worship on Sundays."
Then they pointed to the third building and said, "Then what's that for?"
He replied, "Yeah, well, that's the church I used to go to!"
Soon a lifeboat landed on the beach and he was rescued. But the sailors were curious how he survived for so many years?
The man showed them how he got food and water, and then pointed out the home he'd built.
The sailors looked, but instead of one building they saw three.
They asked about the second building next to the man's house and he replied, "Oh, that's my church - I go there to worship on Sundays."
Then they pointed to the third building and said, "Then what's that for?"
He replied, "Yeah, well, that's the church I used to go to!"
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A Jewish girl brought her new fiancé home for dinner to meet her parents. After dinner the father brought the young man into his study to get to know him better over a few drinks.
Father: What do you do for a living?
Young man: I am a student at the Yeshiva. I study the Torah.
Father: How will you support yourself and my daughter?
Young man: I will study very hard and God will provide.
Father: When children come how will you support them?
Young man: Then I will study very, very hard and God will provide.
Father: What happens if there is sickness?
Young man: Then I will study very, very, very hard and God will provide.
Later after the young couple left, the mother asked about the conversation. The father said "He has no job, no money and no prospects but I kind of like him. He does deeply love our daughter but there is one thing that troubles me.”
“What's that dear?” she asked.
…
…
…
…
…
…
...
“He thinks that I am God."
Father: What do you do for a living?
Young man: I am a student at the Yeshiva. I study the Torah.
Father: How will you support yourself and my daughter?
Young man: I will study very hard and God will provide.
Father: When children come how will you support them?
Young man: Then I will study very, very hard and God will provide.
Father: What happens if there is sickness?
Young man: Then I will study very, very, very hard and God will provide.
Later after the young couple left, the mother asked about the conversation. The father said "He has no job, no money and no prospects but I kind of like him. He does deeply love our daughter but there is one thing that troubles me.”
“What's that dear?” she asked.
…
…
…
…
…
…
...
“He thinks that I am God."
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A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders.
Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him.
The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight of God born in such poverty.
The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family.
The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, “So, have you thought about where to send him to school?”
Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him.
The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight of God born in such poverty.
The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family.
The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, “So, have you thought about where to send him to school?”
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The old fighter pilot lay dying in his bed. He knew he didn't have much time to live, and was slowly fading. But suddenly he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself up from the bed, supported himself down the stairs, and then leaned against the door frame, peering into the kitchen.
There was his wife, and spread out on the kitchen table were his favorite chocolate chip cookies!
He crawled towards the table, and reached up with his right hand to grab one of the cookies, when "Whack!", down came the rolling pin right on the back of his hand!
"Ow!" he cried, "What did you do that for??"
His wife stood there with the rolling pin in her hand. "Leave them alone!"she snarled.
"They're for the funeral!"
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself up from the bed, supported himself down the stairs, and then leaned against the door frame, peering into the kitchen.
There was his wife, and spread out on the kitchen table were his favorite chocolate chip cookies!
He crawled towards the table, and reached up with his right hand to grab one of the cookies, when "Whack!", down came the rolling pin right on the back of his hand!
"Ow!" he cried, "What did you do that for??"
His wife stood there with the rolling pin in her hand. "Leave them alone!"she snarled.
"They're for the funeral!"
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