Anyone here over 35 and never been in love or never married?

F

from scratch

Guest
From scratch:I certainly hope you meet someone nice.There are a lot of women out there 40-60 who are either widowed or have never been married.You sound like a very down to earth and honest fellow.I also hope to find a guy who likes board games and reads(an understands the bible)And by the way,I agree that both partners have to have mutual or at least compatible goals.
Hey thanks for the response and encouragement.

So really how does one meet somebody at church? How does one develop a friendship without the feeling of being hit on? The only thing I've seen for ages is folks wanting benefits. Most all the relationships I've seen are physical based. There seems to be no comfortable level. Are people really that insecure and scared? I guess that relationships are rare from the looks of things. I have a couple female friends and their husbands seem to vacate when I come around. The number one thing I see and love in these friends is they're not clingy and seem secure in who and what they are. None of my friends are physically hanging on to their spouce in my presence. They are secure in themselves.
 
Upvote 0

sampa

Veteran
Oct 6, 2006
5,523
3,333
Midwest
✟121,220.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Single
Politics
US-Others
To the OP: not yet and still sorting through where to go from here. Its never been a choice. Once I got saved at 20yrs old I made a commitment to not marry someone who is not a christian but my attractions have not panned out. So I never moved into a dating relationship. I make male friends easily and little by little my attractions have been getting healthier but the options fewer.
 
Upvote 0

Javanwarbler

God doesn't ever stop loving us thank God!
Sep 1, 2010
371
19
Western US
✟8,122.00
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Single
Politics
US-Others
Hi Flower! Good to see you here!
I'm 40 and never married and i definitely didn't want this! thought it would happen way sooner and I don't know what to do with myself since I have to to face being by myself much longer than I ever figured. It gets harder every passing year esp. because this world revolves around being married or having a SO, and of course, kids. i don't have any of that and it doesn't look like that will change anytime soon. I am very hesitant to join online dating sites too. Even if they're christian. I can't afford it either.

I get very frustrated being the oddball in this too! And I don't feel i'm one of those people who is happy being just by herself and can handle a lot of my own company! I have never sensed or felt I was called to be single either. I didn't get that kind of message from God either. i feel the need to share my world with someone

I do think it's better to be picky and not just 'settle' since (as seen in my family) that being in a bad relationship is worse than not being in one.
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0

Doctor Strangelove

Senior Member
Oct 5, 2012
1,097
55
United States
✟16,773.00
Faith
Anglican
Marital Status
Single
Politics
US-Others
I am just feeling like the "odd one out" on this one. I am in my mid-thirties and I have never been in love before or never married. I have dated but that was 10 years ago. If you have never been in love before or never married please explain why, if you would like, I mean was this something that you chose or was it something that you wanted but it seems that God had something else instore for you?
Thank you and God bless you all.:groupray::groupray::groupray:

You are not odd for having never been married. I have also never been married and... er, let me re-phrase that. There are nice, normal people out there who for one reason or another did not get married. I don't know about never being in love or at least never being being infatuated or attracted if that is your case... I don't know your situation. If you don't really feel much attraction to men that might be unusual, if you just never found anyone you thought you could stay attracted to for a long time, I guess I can understand that. I've never been married, been in love a few times with what turned out to be the wrong woman (or maybe I was the wrong man) and I have been infatuated many times (and I know the difference).

I guess I had kind of a normal dating life through my late twenties, at least normal for a nerd. I won't rehash my life but from about age 30 through my early forties my life was horrible. I had gone back to school part time to earn a degree, I was working 70 hours a week, I was helping to take care of an ailing parent, my attempt at starting a business failed and I was transitioning to a new career. All of this heavy stuff going on, and by the end of it I had become a really burned out and negative person. I think older, never-married men are stereotyped as irresponsible "players" or else some sort of immature doofus. I was busy being an adult but I have the "never married" label as if I am damaged goods.

I think I have compensated for my loneliness by being a workaholic, although I am trying to be more balanced now. I don't blame my situation on "bad" women. I do have a lot of interests that are kind of nerdy, wholesome but not mainstream and that has made it harder for me to find someone who might have similar interests (I am into classical music and I am a science nerd - I'm not the type of geek who is into video games or comic books). So I am living my life, doing the things I am interested in. I am not expecting anyone to make me complete or make me happy or whatever. My life would be more complete if I found a women I could have a happy partnership with and I am not expecting perfection or magic. I think I am normal physically and emotionally (I am a kind person but I am not extroverted but society expects you to be an extrovert). I am not happy with every aspect of my life but I am not going to pretend to be something I am not just to attract someone.
 
Upvote 0

BigMat

Active Member
Jan 4, 2011
135
28
New Mexico, USA
✟8,669.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
Politics
US-Republican
I've never been married, never been on a date, never been in a romantic relationship with a woman, never been close enough to a woman to be in love with her. I've never experienced anything beyond heavy duty crushes.

There are a couple of primary reasons for this. One is that I have never found myself in circumstances or at a place in life that would be conducive to pursuing a woman romantically. Growing up I wasn't permitted to have a social life and that included dating. After that, early on, I dropped out of college and stopped working to be a full time caregiver to the elderly and ailing in my family and to raise my nephew. Then all of my parents and grandparents died over a two year period, the last of them three years ago. Ever since I seem to be trapped in the rut of being a grown man in his mid-thirties who has no career, has no education, has nothing to his name (there was no inheritance for me, not even a life insurance policy), has pretty much non-existent finances, diminished health, and a thirteen year old nephew to finish raising. That's not really the package women look for in a man and I don't blame them. I'm not even willing to consider dating so long as that's all I've got to offer a woman.

The other primary reason I've never been romantically involved with a woman is my relationship with God. I have an absolutely amazing relationship with God. It is beyond amazing. I can guarantee that if I'd spent all these years pursuing women or being married to one, I would not have spent them pursuing God and developing my relationship with Him. I think God had a pretty big hand in my life turning out the way it has so that I would pursue Him and develop my relationship with Him.
 
Upvote 0

Doctor Strangelove

Senior Member
Oct 5, 2012
1,097
55
United States
✟16,773.00
Faith
Anglican
Marital Status
Single
Politics
US-Others
BigMat, it sounds like your family was very controlling and took advantage of you. But it is not too late to change things. There are community colleges that might be cheaper than regular college. There are vocational schools. So maybe try to imagine what you could do.

I have had to re-invent myself at least three times. I had vocational training in a technical field out of high school. I had several jobs but was not able to get established in that field. From around age 26 through 36 I was working in my second career and got a degree and got really burned out. I have been in my third career for over ten years and since my life has had so many changes and I have had my share of financial losses, I won't be able to retire for many years. The point is I have had failures and had to or wanted to start over and do something different. So you can also start something new and it probably won't be easy but it will be worth it. You have done a lot for others, now I hope you do things for yourself.
 
Upvote 0

Doctor Strangelove

Senior Member
Oct 5, 2012
1,097
55
United States
✟16,773.00
Faith
Anglican
Marital Status
Single
Politics
US-Others
Other stumbling blocks. I am sort of a nerdy guy but also a Christian. The nerdy women who are available and roughly in my age range are either:
1. Atheists/agnostics
2. Into New Age/Eastern mysticism
I have not found many Christian women who are nerds. I recently met someone who was kind of friendly but when she learned I was not just a Christmas/Easter show up at church as a reformed pagan but really a Christian, any friendliness turned to polite disinterest just like that!
 
Upvote 0

memoriesbymichelle

Senior Veteran
Jun 8, 2007
10,211
931
64
Arizona
✟22,350.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Politics
US-Republican
Well I'm not a nerd, but I have to say I admire you Big Mat and Dr. Strangelove. Big Mat you are the continual caregiver even now to your 13 yr old nephew. You are his biggest example in life right now. It's great that you have an awesome relationship with God and you are correct that had you married you probably wouldn't have developed such a close relationship with God. Paul said this in the bible.
And Dr.Strangelove, your tenacity is a great character trait! The fact that you have re-invented yourself 3 times is amazing. Alot of people would have given up by now.

For me, being a widow puts a label on me. It's funny because when I got married I became a step-mom. Another label I never wanted. You know step moms are always wicked right? We got that from cinderella I think. And I absolutely never thought I would be a widow in my mid-forties, and now I'm 53 and I'm still a widow. Some days I contemplate that maybe I would like a relationship again, and then when I really think about it, I get scared and overwhelmed, because A, you never know they might be a serial killer or some con man, and B, there is alot of work involved in building a relationship and I'm not sure I have the strength. BUT all that being said I think you guys are both amazing! and if it's God's will for you, I have no doubt you will meet someone you think is amazing too.
 
Upvote 0

Doctor Strangelove

Senior Member
Oct 5, 2012
1,097
55
United States
✟16,773.00
Faith
Anglican
Marital Status
Single
Politics
US-Others
Some days I contemplate that maybe I would like a relationship again, and then when I really think about it, I get scared and overwhelmed, because A, you never know they might be a serial killer or some con man

A couple of things. Well, a lot of my problems were self-imposed. It sounds like BigMat was given impossible situations to deal with and he soldiered through so I really respect him.

I can't think of a word other than "nerd" to describe myself although I am afraid people will get the wrong idea and imagine comic books and video games. I can talk about regular guy stuff like cars and guns and some sports. But I'm also reading a paper about the use of the Fibonacci numbers in fractal antenna design and that is my idea of how to relax on a Saturday evening... Help! I'm turning into Mr. Spock! I need to quickly watch a video of The Simpsons to save me, LOL.

But I am writing to give you ideas on how to see whether a guy is okay or whether he is a creep, and maybe how to scare away a creep. Assuming you cannot or do not want to do a criminal background check, there are some things you can check up on:

1. I think in most states you can look up a person's non-criminal driving offenses. Now, many of us get tickets from time to time. But if you look someone up and he has fifty citations for causing accidents or if he has 80 citations for reckess driving, you can be sure the rest of his life is as out of control as his car is.

2. There are a lot of jobs nowadays someone cannot have if he has a criminal record. So if he has that type of job he at least passed a criminal background check.

3. If a person of interest is a professional, you might see if he has a presence on LinkedIn but you might not be able to see a lot of details.

4. See what shows up in a Google search (Blackribbon mentioned this on another thread and I'm sure you also know all about that anyways).

5. A guy who is a creep will always be intimidated by a self-confident woman and won't want to stay around, but you know that.

6. Say something to him like, "My brother the Marine taught me how to shoot an assault rifle and it was so much fun I am going to buy a rifle and participate in rifle matches." Smile sweetly as you say this. If has creepy intentions he will be terrified and you will never see him again! If he is a decent guy, he will find it attractive that you have self-confidence with dangerous things like weapons, whether he likes guns or not. The danger is you might also repel a nice, ultra liberal, would-never-hurt-a-fly type of guy.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

Maid Marie

Zechariah 4:6
Nov 30, 2008
3,548
328
Pennsylvania
✟19,068.00
Faith
Nazarene
Marital Status
Private
But I'm also reading a paper about the use of the Fibonacci numbers in fractal antenna design and that is my idea of how to relax on a Saturday evening... .

Maybe you are in the wrong crowd? My cousins and an uncle would consider that a normal Saturday evening. In non-scientific areas, my dad and I could get into detailed discussions about things. It took getting out of the area I grew up for me to find people who were more like me, and affirmed me for the way that God made me.
 
Upvote 0

Doctor Strangelove

Senior Member
Oct 5, 2012
1,097
55
United States
✟16,773.00
Faith
Anglican
Marital Status
Single
Politics
US-Others
Maybe you are in the wrong crowd? My cousins and an uncle would consider that a normal Saturday evening. In non-scientific areas, my dad and I could get into detailed discussions about things. It took getting out of the area I grew up for me to find people who were more like me, and affirmed me for the way that God made me.

I have been in some not so nice situations but everyone has. Nice you found somewhere where you are accepted. Yeah, if you are a little bit gifted in some area some people will want to marginalize you. But really, everyone has gifts. I finally found work where I have freedom to be creative, but of course I have to produce sound results and the methodology has to be bulletproof. I recently started going to a church where I am comfortable and the people are friendly so I'll see what happens.

I see by your signature you speak Czech. About the best I can do is German: "Herr Jesus Christus, Sohn Gottes, erbarme dich meiner, eines Sünders" right back at ya! Ya tozhe govoryu po-russkii, no govoryu ploxo. No ya chitaite po-russkii ne-ploxo. Vi govorite po-russkii ili po-nemskii? - you probably get the gist of that although I am not transliterating the Russian very well! I studied the Slavic languages among other things.
 
Upvote 0

Maid Marie

Zechariah 4:6
Nov 30, 2008
3,548
328
Pennsylvania
✟19,068.00
Faith
Nazarene
Marital Status
Private
I recently started going to a church where I am comfortable and the people are friendly so I'll see what happens.

I see by your signature you speak Czech. About the best I can do is German: "Herr Jesus Christus, Sohn Gottes, erbarme dich meiner, eines Sünders" right back at ya! Ya tozhe govoryu po-russkii, no govoryu ploxo. No ya chitaite po-russkii ne-ploxo. Vi govorite po-russkii ili po-nemskii? - you probably get the gist of that although I am not transliterating the Russian very well! I studied the Slavic languages among other things.

I'm glad that you have found a church where you feel comfortable.

Actually what you see in my signature is about all the Czech I know. I know a few phrases that my father taught me and that is it. My father's parents were Czech but from the generation that believed once in the USA the kids must only know English. They saved speaking in Bohemian for private conversations. I'm still ticked off with them for that and it is has been over 20 years since they died ;)
 
Upvote 0

Doctor Strangelove

Senior Member
Oct 5, 2012
1,097
55
United States
✟16,773.00
Faith
Anglican
Marital Status
Single
Politics
US-Others
I'm glad that you have found a church where you feel comfortable.

Actually what you see in my signature is about all the Czech I know. I know a few phrases that my father taught me and that is it. My father's parents were Czech but from the generation that believed once in the USA the kids must only know English. They saved speaking in Bohemian for private conversations. I'm still ticked off with them for that and it is has been over 20 years since they died ;)

Sorry I presumed too much. I had a Polish acquaintance and even though we both spoke English sometimes he spoke Polish and I spoke Russian as a game to see how much we could understand. My mom grew up in a community with a mixture of Germans and Czechs and she liked to go to dances the Bohemians held and evidently everyone got along well.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

Maid Marie

Zechariah 4:6
Nov 30, 2008
3,548
328
Pennsylvania
✟19,068.00
Faith
Nazarene
Marital Status
Private
Sorry I presumed too much. I had a Polish acquaintance and even though we both spoke English sometimes he spoke Polish and I spoke Russian as a game to see how much we could understand. My mom grew up in a community with a mixture of Germans and Czechs and she liked to go to dances the Bohemians held and evidently everyone got along well.

No need to apologize :)

I have studied French and Spanish. In college my buddies and I like to speak in a poly glot that was pretty fun.

My dad grew up in the environment that your mom did. He can understand my landlord [native of Germany] while I can't at all. Yet, other accents are easy to me but not to my dad.
 
Upvote 0

memoriesbymichelle

Senior Veteran
Jun 8, 2007
10,211
931
64
Arizona
✟22,350.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Politics
US-Republican
Thank you Dr. for your pointers. I absolutely would have no problem doing a background investigation lol. BUT if he is using an assumed name, I'm assuming it would not show anything.

I just watched a program called My life is a lifetime movie, and in this story a woman met and married a man she met at college. They had 2 children and she was pregnant with their 3rd. He was a graphic designer. They were active in the church, he was a good dad, spent time with his kids, blah blah blah and one day he didn't come home. When the police eventually got involved they thought the pregnant mother of 2 killed him! It was eventually found out that he had been living a secret life, going to swinger places and other sex clubs and doing it with guys and girls and he basically just walked away from his life. A reporter following the story found him in CA (they were from Seattle) and interviewed him. He had NO remorse for leaving his wife OR his children. Said he wanted his freedom and wanted to be dead to them. NO ONE that knew him suspected ANYTHING like this from him and everyone was shocked. And this happened AFTER serveral years of marriage. So you just never know....
 
Upvote 0

aflower4God

observant petal
Jan 3, 2007
6,026
383
✟16,330.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
To the OP: not yet and still sorting through where to go from here. Its never been a choice. Once I got saved at 20yrs old I made a commitment to not marry someone who is not a christian but my attractions have not panned out. So I never moved into a dating relationship. I make male friends easily and little by little my attractions have been getting healthier but the options fewer.
:hug::hug::hug:Welcome thank you for your answers my friend, I will pray for you

Hi Flower! Good to see you here!
I'm 40 and never married and i definitely didn't want this! thought it would happen way sooner and I don't know what to do with myself since I have to to face being by myself much longer than I ever figured. It gets harder every passing year esp. because this world revolves around being married or having a SO, and of course, kids. i don't have any of that and it doesn't look like that will change anytime soon. I am very hesitant to join online dating sites too. Even if they're christian. I can't afford it either.

I get very frustrated being the oddball in this too! And I don't feel i'm one of those people who is happy being just by herself and can handle a lot of my own company! I have never sensed or felt I was called to be single either. I didn't get that kind of message from God either. i feel the need to share my world with someone

I do think it's better to be picky and not just 'settle' since (as seen in my family) that being in a bad relationship is worse than not being in one.
Hi there my dear sweet sister, thank you so much for your sweet kind welcome back, I know how you feel, it feels that finding the right man is so much harder these days, I just am about to give up, I mean I am going to be 39 in less than a week and I feel for me soon I will not be able to have kids which hurts a lot.
I will pray with all my heart that you find the right guy of your dreams :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

I've never been married, never been on a date, never been in a romantic relationship with a woman, never been close enough to a woman to be in love with her. I've never experienced anything beyond heavy duty crushes.

There are a couple of primary reasons for this. One is that I have never found myself in circumstances or at a place in life that would be conducive to pursuing a woman romantically. Growing up I wasn't permitted to have a social life and that included dating. After that, early on, I dropped out of college and stopped working to be a full time caregiver to the elderly and ailing in my family and to raise my nephew. Then all of my parents and grandparents died over a two year period, the last of them three years ago. Ever since I seem to be trapped in the rut of being a grown man in his mid-thirties who has no career, has no education, has nothing to his name (there was no inheritance for me, not even a life insurance policy), has pretty much non-existent finances, diminished health, and a thirteen year old nephew to finish raising. That's not really the package women look for in a man and I don't blame them. I'm not even willing to consider dating so long as that's all I've got to offer a woman.

The other primary reason I've never been romantically involved with a woman is my relationship with God. I have an absolutely amazing relationship with God. It is beyond amazing. I can guarantee that if I'd spent all these years pursuing women or being married to one, I would not have spent them pursuing God and developing my relationship with Him. I think God had a pretty big hand in my life turning out the way it has so that I would pursue Him and develop my relationship with Him.

Other stumbling blocks. I am sort of a nerdy guy but also a Christian. The nerdy women who are available and roughly in my age range are either:
1. Atheists/agnostics
2. Into New Age/Eastern mysticism
I have not found many Christian women who are nerds. I recently met someone who was kind of friendly but when she learned I was not just a Christmas/Easter show up at church as a reformed pagan but really a Christian, any friendliness turned to polite disinterest just like that!

(((((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))))) dear brother you are not strange at all in fact I like the "nerdy" type of men and sensitive men at that.
I will pray for you as well my dear brother thank you for your reply as well.
REMEMBER you are a huge blessing, you all are!:hug::hug::hug::groupray::groupray::groupray:
 
  • Like
Reactions: sampa
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums