Anyone have their child switch high schools midway?

[Maikkemom]

I am new to this forum and am troubled about our son. "Matt" is 15 and a sophomore at a christian high school that is large, very sports oriented, and frankly is more of a "rich kids"/private school over all (we are comfortable but not wealthy, grandparents pay the tuition). Matt is an exceptionally-gifted pianist and drummer and because this school has a top arts program we figured it would be the best fit (he is our church drummer, occasional pianist). He is very tall and tried sports early on but had little ability or desire so we let him concentrate on music, computers, and Boy Scouts.

Last year he was on the school worship team but his talents were not really utilized. He had hoped to be more involved but the teacher focused mainly on the singers and guitars. At his school students are either heavily involved in sports or drama, groups that my son just doesn't fit into. Still he seemed to enjoy his freshman year and got A's and B's. But lately Matt seems negative and withdrawn. While his grades are still B's his motivation seems to be slipping. We'd ask him how things were going and he'd say "fine". Then last night I picked him up from music practice (they are doing a Christmas program) and it all came out. He said that he has no friends and is basically ignored. Everyone has their groups of friends and he just doesn't fit into any of them. They even served ice cream last night and forgot to make him a dish. The school has no clubs or band since most kids have a full schedule with sports or drama and he just doesn't know how to be more involved.(It doesn't help seeing all of the outside-of-school socializing on Instagram either). I am actually considering having him move next year to a different christian high school that is smaller (400 versus 1000) and where he still has a friend or two who used to attend a previous K-8 christian school with him. But I know that transferring in as a junior would be tough not only academically but socially as people already have their friend groups. Still this other school is in a less-affluent area and feels like it would offer my son more opportunities (they have band, etc). It seems to be more faith-based too as I get to know families who send their kids there (daughter's school feeds into it) which would be a better fit for my son. Has anyone ever moved their child midway through high school for social reasons? Or should I just have him stick it out and wait until college to find his social niche? There just doesn't seem to be any way for him to get involved and make friends (he has tried attending football games, going to all school functions, etc). He is more of an quiet kid too which is a factor. I would hate moving him only to have things turn out worse. He already had to move to a different school for 8th grade when his school closed. I have been praying for guidance but would like any input from others who have gone through something similar. Thanks!

 

[~Anastasia~]

Hello and welcome to CF!

I'm afraid I don't have any direct Dvice for you, but this can be a slow forum and I didn't want your only post to go unanswered if it turns out that way.

My daughter remained in the same school through high school. My nephew moved halfway through, but he got on well socially and academically at the first school, so my sister actually moved back to let him finish there.

I don't know if I'd make him just wait for two years if he's miserable. Two years can seem like a very long time for a teenager.

Is there a way to make changes at the school where he is? Maybe start a new group he fits in?

Can he socialize outside of school in some other group?

If neither of those can work, I would consider moving if it were my child. But you're concerned to move him and have the same problems? Can he get in touch with his friend who goes there, see how they do together, maybe participate in something socially with him, give it a few weeks and maybe you'll better know the likely outcome?

If I didn't know, I'd probably try things like that before making a permanent move, but let him know there's hope and you're wanting to find a solution so he doesn't get discouraged.

Maybe other can come along and make better suggestions as well.

But I did want to welcome you, and let you know we have all kinds of forum areas, some very active, some less so. If you need help finding your way around, feel free to ask and we will try to help.

Again, welcome!

 

[Dave-W]

When our twins were in HS, we moved cross country. (Michigan to Maryland) They were in the summer between sophomore and junior years. Our boy was in jr high at the time and the oldest had just graduated.

We had talked as a family a lot in the months leading up to the move. Everyone was really on board with it. The twins did on line research of the schools and found out the system had some of the highest marks in the nation. After a couple of months, they settled in quite well. They both made friends fairly easily, and enjoyed the challenges of a more rigorous education system.

 

[JAM2b]

I would not move my kids for social reasons unless it was a situation where they were in danger. Learning to make and keep friends is a skill that they will need through out their lives. That includes learning to cope with life when you have few friends or none at all, and how to work and interact with people who aren't your friends. You never know when their will be new family situations, new job, new neighborhood, etc. The teenage years are the time to learn this. It is far better for them to develop these skills when they are young than when they are grown and trying to do life as adults. Plus, it isn't like your son has no friends at all. He does, just at a different school. It sounds like he has a social group and a supportive family. He isn't alone in life, just during his school hours.

I spent some time moving around with my sons because very difficult personal circumstances. My oldest son was in middle school when it began. In a year's time, my sons went to four different schools. It took about a year after the final move and promising to not move again before they began to level out. My 8th grade son was impacted the most. Then for his freshman year he switched from regular public school to a charter school. Even though it was in the same town and school district, most of the kids were from different middle school campuses and he did not know them. The few he did know were not friends. There were other factors in our life that were also causing difficulty for him and affecting his moods and openness at school. He did well at school, but socially he was a wreck.

The thing that worked was just giving it time. It takes times to establish one's self in a new environment, new school, new social groups. You have to get to know them, they have to get to know you. You have to learn a new micro-culture and social rules. Plus teenage years are so packed with changes that no one stays the same. Each individual changes, and all their friends and class mates change. They are very different creatures when they graduate than they were on their first day as freshmen. Looking back at my own teenage years, I ended up losing friends I had once dearly loved, making friends with people I had never thought to, and reached friendly terms with some I hated when I was younger. It's a crazy time for relationship, and it's very common for it to be that way.

My son went from having no friends at his high school to having some, then losing them (some his choice, some their's), to making all new friends a little at a time, having several friends in different groups, and now is a leader among his peers. Some of his friends are at his high school, some are from other nearby schools he has crossed paths with, and some are online.

In the long run, stability and consistency is the key. If kids do not have to move or change schools for financial needs, academic need, or health and safety reasons, they should not.

 

[blackribbon]

I moved multiple times as a teenager and can tell you that changing schools during the school year is a lot easier than moving over the summer between years. The reason is because you are invisible if you are new at the beginning of a school year and you are a bit of a novelty when you move in midyear...and people know who you are. Yes, there is some awkwardness in stepping into a class at a different place than your previous class was...and sometimes you get dumped in some strange electives when the new school doesn't have an equivalent, but you are not invisible. You also have a chance to make a friend or two before the school year ends so you don't have to spend your whole summer alone and isolated without any friends or social life.

Ironically, I was asked to the prom the second week I was at a new school. To this day, I regret turning him down (he turned out to be just a really nice guy who didn't have date) but at the time, I didn't have a feel of the school and was afraid to be "connected" to someone that I didn't know anything about.