• The General Mental Health Forum is now a Read Only Forum. As we had two large areas making it difficult for many to find, we decided to combine the Mental Health & the Recovery sections of the forum into Mental Health & Recovery as a whole. Physical Health still remains as it's own area within the entire Recovery area.

    If you are having struggles, need support in a particular area that you aren't finding a specific recovery area forum, you may find the General Struggles forum a great place to post. Any any that is related to emotions, self-esteem, insomnia, anger, relationship dynamics due to mental health and recovery and other issues that don't fit better in another forum would be examples of topics that might go there.

    If you have spiritual issues related to a mental health and recovery issue, please use the Recovery Related Spiritual Advice forum. This forum is designed to be like Christian Advice, only for recovery type of issues. Recovery being like a family in many ways, allows us to support one another together. May you be blessed today and each day.

    Kristen.NewCreation and FreeinChrist

Anyone else... what should I do?

Bianca01

Regular Member
Jan 10, 2007
152
8
✟15,323.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
I am new here. I was molested by my older brother when I was a pre-teen and again as a teenager. This has made me feel creepy. And I am so angry at him. It's been over 20 years and I felt so alone. It is especially hard on holidays because most in the family "get-togethers" don't know and the few that do act like nothing ever happened. How do I act? It hurts when I just want to leave and don't want to spend time with any of my family because of this one person who almost damaged my life. And yes I have been through counseling before. And I thought I had forgiven him several times. Just hurts a lot. Anyone else been through this... how do you get through these family "get-togethers". Suggestions on forgiveness and moving on???
 

Akathist

Theology Team
Supporter
Jun 28, 2004
17,423
745
USA
✟70,418.00
Faith
Eastern Orthodox
Marital Status
Private
Politics
US-Others
Welcome to Christian Forums Bianca!

I have not been in your situation but I know others who have and I understand how your situation can be very difficult.

Is your older brother present at these family gatherings?

If he is there I can undertand your not wanting to stay and I would say that it is perfectly fine that you leave but do so with out making a big fuss. Just say you don't feel well and need to leave or something.

Then start to develop new traditions over the holidays that will make them more of a celebration for you. Consider the tradition of having a great dinner party with two or more of your closest friends and having a nice birthday cake for dessert. Do this maybe the day after Christmas when most people are not already with others. Then on Christmas when you need to go to catch up with family, deliberately plan to not be there as long. Maybe let the one's who will notice if you leave know the truth: youre uncomfortable being around this brother so you are making an appearance at the family gathering and spending a moment to catch up with some family but then you need to leave.

Consider trying to spend extra time one on one (or in couples) with various family members around the holidays instead of all in one group.

The most important thing is that I feels strongly that you need to respect your inner boundaries. Inside of you is a young girl who is still a bit like the teenager you were before. That girl deserves to be protected by you the adult. If you don''t want to be around this brother, then respect that inner need.

Remember that forgiving does not mean that you forget or that you have to proove you have "moved on" by socializing with your abuser. "Moving on" to me means that you are rebuilding your life not forgetting your past.

I also suggest that you pray that God forgives the people in your family who act like it is no big deal. If you can, pray that God will forgive your brother who abused you and ask God to intervene in your family to improve things and to keep other teens in the family safe. Prayer is extremely powerful.
 
Upvote 0

BelindaP

Senior Contributor
Sep 21, 2006
9,214
711
Indianapolis
✟20,888.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Republican
Have you confronted your brother in private? That's what finally did it for me. Once I had told him exactly what he did to me and the horrible effects it had on me, it really helped. I also told him exactly what I would do to him if he ever offended against anyone again.

Once we had cleared the air, and he offered some sort of apology, I was able to move on with my life. I would never leave my children alone with him--or be alone with him myself for very long--but we understand each other, and I was able to pick up the pieces and start to heal.
 
Upvote 0

Bianca01

Regular Member
Jan 10, 2007
152
8
✟15,323.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
Have you confronted your brother in private? That's what finally did it for me. Once I had told him exactly what he did to me and the horrible effects it had on me, it really helped. I also told him exactly what I would do to him if he ever offended against anyone again.

Once we had cleared the air, and he offered some sort of apology, I was able to move on with my life. I would never leave my children alone with him--or be alone with him myself for very long--but we understand each other, and I was able to pick up the pieces and start to heal.

BelindaP,

I appreciate your sharing. Sometimes, I feel like I am the only one in the world who has gone through this. I am not sure if I want to confront my brother. He has a history of drug use (marijuana) and excess drinking. As far as the "sweep it under the rug" family is concerned he no longer uses. I think he still is using. Before, when I thought I had finally forgiven him, he still acted arrogant when he'd see me. Like he is above me. I would automatically retreat to this sort of "nicey-nice" girl with the nervous smile. Now I just don't want to be in room with him because I can't allow myself to put up the front anymore.

My husband and I have a baby girl. Ever since she was born I found myself really questioning everything about how I was raised. And how this abuse could have happened? I try to rationalize that maybe the drugs and alcohol made my brother sick.

Holidays are especially difficult because at the same time I want my daughter to spend time with other family and kids; I don't want her to be around my brother. I've heard of instances where perverts have molested children under the table while holding them in their laps... just makes me so upset. My older sister has conveniently forgotten what I told her about what happened to me. And a couple of times as adults when I tried to tell her she took his defense.

So, Belinda, do you spend holidays with your extended family, including your brother? How do you get through it.
 
Upvote 0

BelindaP

Senior Contributor
Sep 21, 2006
9,214
711
Indianapolis
✟20,888.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Republican
My situation is a little bit strange. I was raised in foster care and was molested by my brother during court-mandated visits. My mother is seriously mentally ill, and the house in which she resides is unliveable. Because of this, we meet for the holidays in restaurants or other public places.

When we go to my brother's house, I always keep my daughter close and in view. [My brother is a pedophile in that he doesn't see a difference between girls and women and will seek sexual activity from either. He says he will never offend again, but I see no reason to tempt him].

You are right that some offenders will try to fondle while holding a child. I always make sure that if my brother is holding my daughter, that both his hands are in plain view. It is part of the understanding that we reached when I confronted him.

As for how I confronted my brother, I had a talk with him alone [but with my very large boyfriend--now husband--standing outside the door]. He didn't go crying to the family because our understanding was that it would not be brought up again in the general family forum so long as he behaved himself and held to our understanding. His shame was such that he has abided by that.

I will have to warn you that you have to build up a lot of anger to have the strength to do it. You'll probably cry for a long time afterward, too.

If you did it and he went crying to the family, you would just have to bear their disapproval and make it clear what the rules were. If they want to see their granddaughter on holidays, there are certain things that have to happen. It need not be discussed again, but there has to be an understanding reached.

I think in a sweep-it-under-the-rug family, they would probably be willing to accomodate your wishes, if only so it doesn't ever have to be brought up again. However, I wouldn't rely on them to protect your daughter. You will always have to keep a close eye out when he is around.

Unfortunately, your family will probably never be supportive of you on this. Part of the healing process will be coming to terms with that fact. In the end you might find it so painful that you need to 'divorce' your family.

Remember that regardless of what they might say, you must take care of yourself and your family first. There is nothing wrong with that. They will make you feel like the bad guy, but you are not. It is biblical to look after your husband and children before the rest of your family.

I've probably blabbered on too much, but I hope it was at least a little bit helpful.
 
Upvote 0

BrokenForHim

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2006
722
36
32
In a box
Visit site
✟8,544.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
your not alone..I know the feeling hun...I just try to stay away from my brother and father during get togethers...pray through it..there is really nothing else you can do...:sigh: ..praying for you...if you ever need to talk feel free to pm anytime:hug:
 
Upvote 0

BigToe

You are my itchy sweater.
Jun 24, 2003
15,535
1,049
19
Sudzo's Purple Palace of Snuggles
Visit site
✟28,432.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
In Relationship
Politics
US-Others
The problem is, forgiving him doesn't mean it stops hurting you.

As for family functions, I'm a little confused. Do you want those that know to talk about it with you when you're there and they won't talk to you about it or what? It is very very possible they don't know what would or wouldn't make you comfortable. Your family members that know might not want to bring it up for fear of making you uncomfortable. If you want to talk about it with some of them, perhaps you could try bringing it up with one of them or ask them why they ignore what happened.
 
Upvote 0

KittenOfTruth

Regular Member
Jan 14, 2007
123
22
49
A Hicktown in Oregon
✟15,351.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
In Relationship
Politics
US-Republican
:wave: hello sweet girl,
indeed be of good courage & strength and God will help you through all of this. i feel like you should tell.. i myself was a victim and now im a survivor. you can get through this with the Lord. just know you did nothing wrong.. and God is with you all your life. much love & prayers to you! :hug:
in Christ,
Sister Kitten :groupray:
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums