Any one else deal with this?

[Learningbygrace]

Apparently, i've been abused for most of my marriage and just didn't realize it was abuse...after ten years, i finally started seeking help because something was wrong. I am married to a "silent Knight". He works hard, pays all the bills, is faithful, doesn't drink, has never raised a hand to me or the kids, goes to church with us, "man of integrity and honor" i was told by 2 pastors that I went to for help...but is emotionally unavailable for a variety of reasons. People don't understand why i'm doing this - "we have never begged bread". But we had NO emotional ties - he would rather be alone and could care less about sex. No "normal" interaction in our marriage like compliments, affection outside of bed, doing things togther, etc. I showed him in the love language books what i needed and he said he didn't agree with it!
We separated in November b/c I was at my wits end. The daily rejection was killing me. For years I was told by him it's just my problem b/c he didn't think anything was wrong with our marriage. We were roommates more or less. The counselor said he had avoidance behavior b/c he didn't want to hurt me. He really doesn't want to be married. Narcissitic and a loner who has had a wife for 20 years and 2 beautigul children and all we do is annoy him.
So, i'm just feeling really alone and sad about the whole situation. Going to marriage counseling is a waste of $ b/c he sees no need to change. Only a supernatural heart change will fix this. Now i need to be strong for my kids but i'm a wreck! Our church friends don't want to hear about this b/c my hubby acts like everything is great and that i must be the crazy one. That's the feeling i get from people. If he hit me, would everyone still tell me to stay and keep praying? Emotional abuse is still abuse - worse b/s you sit with silent scars that no one wants to help me deal with!
Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[livefreegirl]

Hi,
I'm sorry for what you are going through. It was brave of you to separate, and good, based on what what you shared about him. Keep getting your feelings out. There are people who will listen and not judge, and God cares a lot : )
Maybe you can find a separation/ divorce recovery group in your area. Even if there's not a Christian one, you will find that many people know just how you feel...
I can relate to feeling misunderstood by others... It can be overwhelming and isolating. I think talking to people who have gone though it, or are going through it is better.
It's a very hard thing to go through separation. I'm in the middle of it still. We are not officially living in different places yet.... It's very hard.
Will pray for you. God bless you and comfort you

 

[Learningbygrace]

Livefreegirl, Thank you so much for your response & prayers. I have been praying about going to a divorce care group. I can't imagine what you are going through too - still being in same place. God knows our hearts and what we need - it's just getting through the emotions that seem to never let up! I keep reminding myself that God doesn't let us go through anything that He won't help us with. I'll get my mind off my stuff and pray for you! That will help, don't u think?..it usually does!

God bless and thanks again!

 

[Conservativation]

So none of it bothered you until you labeled it?

 

[c1ners]

So none of it bothered you until you labeled it?

Obviously it bothered her enough for her to seek help.

LFG, I know how difficult it is to live with a narcissist. I've been married to one myself for the past 20+ years and it isn't much fun. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[FaithPrevails]

While being emotionally unavailable is indeed painful, it isn't necessarily abusive unless it is done with the intent to control/manipulate - which I didn't necessarily get out of your OP.

That said, only you know the limits of what you can tolerate with regards to his lack of affection and ability to bond with you. If he is unwilling to address the fact that this behavior is causing a huge rift in your relationship, there isn't much you can do about that.

I'm praying for you to have clarity about your situation and for God's will to be apparent to you.

 

[McScribe]

I'd like to join in those prayers and add this: one thing that is hard in the kind of churches you are dealing with is getting recognition that something has become intolerable to you in a marital relationship. The sky will not crack and the earth will not shattter if you make decisions as a responsible adult for your life. What I'm getting to is prepare a list of what you would like for your marriage. Think hard about how important it is to you. Consider trying counseling or mediation with the idea being that you would bring a list of what you want, your husband a list of what he wants, and see if compromise is possible. If not, then you know where you stand but also so does he. It will be different from what you did before in that you will have made it clear what you expect. If he likes being married to you then compromise should not be unthinkable.

 

[Autumnleaf]

If its not in the Bible then its probably not a good reason to leave your husband over. I could be wrong. I hear there are some books that didn't make the final cut into the Bible. I'm sure one of them covered situations like yours.

 

[iambren]

Ongoing rejection is like sandpaper to the soul. It hollows you out and reduces you to nothing.

I have experienced your situation and also came to the point that I had to separate. She appeared so nice and good to others but an emotional/sexual ghost in the home. I see this as a form of abandonment, of which I Corinth 7 Paul speaks of, and the marriage ended.

 

[dayhiker]

learning by grace,
Does your husband seem to be smart? Does he have a couple of interests that take up much of his time?

Just curious.

 

[ciaradawn]

that is definitely abusive although not in the sense that most people think; which is why so many people don't respond the way they do in physically abusive situations. I went through this as well and yes it is awful and painful; made even more so because people don't believe that it's that bad so there isn't as much support. You're often made to feel like it's your fault. I tried to talk to my ex about it and he said we were fine.

Learningbygrace, don't let other people tell you what you should and shouldn't do. We are here to support you through this. If it comes to divorce than it does and don't let people make you feel bad about it. this is your walk. continue to pray about it and talk to God. If you really slow down and listen then He will lead you. I suggest that you do some things that you enjoy... go for a walk, get out in nature and get some fresh air. Find some sort of peace so that you can hear His voice.

I feel so bad for you. Divorce does happen and regardless of the reasons it is very painful. You will be dealing with the remnants of it for a long time to come. It's been more than 2 years for me and it's still painful. So just be aware of that. Your heart will carry this for a long time divorce or not.

((hugs))

 

[ciaradawn]

..sorry I don't know how I double posted...