Anxiety making me feel like I don't deserve my boyfriend

[EtainSkirata]

Last night I was out with my boyfriend, and we were going to sit on the trunk of his car and look at the stars. He tried to lift me up to sit on the trunk, but it was a little awkward and I ended up sitting on his hand. As I was getting situated, I was thinking about making sure I wasn't gonna dent the trunk, and I knew I was hurting his hand, but I thought it didn't really matter.
Well he got up next to me and was half joking but said "you about broke my pinky." And I just felt awful. I tried to replay the situation then and there and asked how I could have avoided it, and he said to not have moved the way I did. And then later I asked about his hand and he said he was fine.
But I just feel HORRIBLE. I KNEW I was hurting him at the time. I keep replaying it, thinking about if I knew how to do it better BEFORE he told me, trying to figure out what was going through my mind. My brain is just telling me he deserves someone who isn't going to deliberately hurt him, and that I'm abusive, and I should break up with him. But I don't even know how I would explain that to a future date; I don't even know if I should just let this go and chalk it up to "I did something mean and selfish but its not worth breaking up over."
I'm having such bad anxiety right now, my chest hurts and i can't stop thinking about it.

 

[Sabertooth]

I very much doubt that he has ill feelings over the incident.
(Little boo-boos like that happen once in a while.)

If you are both Believers and he is into you, you will do more damage to him by letting that incident come between you.

 

[Sophrosyne]

Men shrug off physical "accidents" as what would hurt a woman who isn't used to working rough jobs would likely just be an ouchie for a man that hurts for a short while and then is gone.
If you think you don't deserve him then you have two choices of thinking.... you have low self esteem or you need to be thankful and pleased to have him around. Instead of dwelling on your feelings, listen to his feelings and focus on him instead of yourself.

 

[Freth]

Last night I was out with my boyfriend, and we were going to sit on the trunk of his car and look at the stars. He tried to lift me up to sit on the trunk, but it was a little awkward and I ended up sitting on his hand. As I was getting situated, I was thinking about making sure I wasn't gonna dent the trunk, and I knew I was hurting his hand, but I thought it didn't really matter.
Well he got up next to me and was half joking but said "you about broke my pinky." And I just felt awful. I tried to replay the situation then and there and asked how I could have avoided it, and he said to not have moved the way I did. And then later I asked about his hand and he said he was fine.
But I just feel HORRIBLE. I KNEW I was hurting him at the time. I keep replaying it, thinking about if I knew how to do it better BEFORE he told me, trying to figure out what was going through my mind. My brain is just telling me he deserves someone who isn't going to deliberately hurt him, and that I'm abusive, and I should break up with him. But I don't even know how I would explain that to a future date; I don't even know if I should just let this go and chalk it up to "I did something mean and selfish but its not worth breaking up over."
I'm having such bad anxiety right now, my chest hurts and i can't stop thinking about it.

Communication is important in a relationship. If it bothers you then talk to him about it. Apologize for hurting him and tell him it was on your conscience. I'm sure he will shrug it off. If it truly bothered him, he would've made it apparent, so he probably didn't give it a second thought.

 

[Sabertooth]

Even if my finger ended up in a splint, I would not be offended at my wife because of it (unless she somehow did it on purpose).
I would just avoid handling her that way a second time.

 

[EtainSkirata]

It's just that, I KNEW it would hurt, but I didn't change how I was sitting (it was only for like a second anyway and then we got readjusted). Or today we were messing around and I grabbed his thumb, and then I had the thought of "I'm gonna hurt his bad thumb," and for a second I didn't care, for a split second I WANTED to hurt his thumb and i pulled on it, and then the next second I deliberately let go so as to avoid that.
But after, when I was asking which elbow was his bad elbow so I wasn't hurting it, he said both the thumb and the bad elbow are on the same side, and that when I grabbed his thumb he had felt something and realized he needed to get me to let go.
But it's those short, quick thoughts that come up, pretty much without warning in the moment, and I feel like a wretched, awful person for acting on it for even a second. I love him a lot and I am utterly shocked at myself. I feel like I'm walking a fine line before turning into an abusive partner.

 

[EtainSkirata]

Can somebody please help me. I've been torn up about this all day and I don't know if I should just let it go or confess to him that for one terrible second I wanted to hurt him and pulled on his bad thumb. It didnt seem to bother him much, and we spent the rest of the weekend together, and he had a good time, but I just feel so awful. I don't want to make a big deal out of nothing and I'm scared if I tell him this it'll be the end, but I'm just feeling absolutely miserable and undeserving of him. Because of one second, but I'm scared I actually hurt him.

 

[EtainSkirata]

I called him and told him I was worried I had hurt his thumb, but I didn't tell him about my bad thoughts I'd had about wanting to hurt him. And he said that it literally hadn't hurt at all, he had just been made aware he had to be careful.

I feel as though I lied to him though by not telling him why I was worried about it--I mean, I was scared that I had deliberately caused him pain, but he thinks I'm scared I caused him pain in general. I just didn't think telling him about my bad thought was a good idea.

I'm aware now that I didn't physically hurt his thumb at all, but I'm also now aware of a sort of lie on our relationship.

Can someone please help me? I'm drowning in this.

 

[Soyeong]

Last night I was out with my boyfriend, and we were going to sit on the trunk of his car and look at the stars. He tried to lift me up to sit on the trunk, but it was a little awkward and I ended up sitting on his hand. As I was getting situated, I was thinking about making sure I wasn't gonna dent the trunk, and I knew I was hurting his hand, but I thought it didn't really matter.
Well he got up next to me and was half joking but said "you about broke my pinky." And I just felt awful. I tried to replay the situation then and there and asked how I could have avoided it, and he said to not have moved the way I did. And then later I asked about his hand and he said he was fine.
But I just feel HORRIBLE. I KNEW I was hurting him at the time. I keep replaying it, thinking about if I knew how to do it better BEFORE he told me, trying to figure out what was going through my mind. My brain is just telling me he deserves someone who isn't going to deliberately hurt him, and that I'm abusive, and I should break up with him. But I don't even know how I would explain that to a future date; I don't even know if I should just let this go and chalk it up to "I did something mean and selfish but its not worth breaking up over."
I'm having such bad anxiety right now, my chest hurts and i can't stop thinking about it.

Good communication is important, so what you've said to us you can say to him. If he considers to be sufficient reason to break up the relationship, then let him make that choice, but there is a good chance that you are beating yourself up over an issue that he doesn't consider to be a big deal. Love is freely given, not deserved. God loves us so much that He sent His son while we were still sinners, not because we deserved it. We are instructed to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ, so if a thought pops into your head that you don't like, then don't claim ownership over it, but rather recognize who it is from.

 

[TylerBibleThumper]

Everyone deserves someone. Of course, I must confess to being a bit of a hypocrite because I was ALWAYS too scared (or full of other excuses to go find a soulmate). If your BF is right for you? Don't make the mistake of letting him go. I don't want to see people ending up like me.... old and lonely. Regretting not taking advantage all of those positive or beneficial missed opportunities that I had in life.