- May 16, 2020
- 1
- 1
- 21
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
Hello, My names jr I’m 17 years old and I think I have ocd. [this is a long story so please bear with me] [ps this isn’t a pity party I just genuinely need help]. Ever since I was small I’ve struggled with many “disorders” and problems such as bulimia, depression, suici*al thoughts, anxiety, sexual identity confusion/denial, unhealthy tendencies/rituals (and smaller problems such as skin picking, being a huge germafobe, washing my hands a thousand times a day) & not telling anyone anything because I bottle up every emotion and hide my true self due to my living situation and traumatic life (I’ve gotten therapy once but was afraid to open up due to fear). Yet I don’t know if any of these things have to deal with my current situation. So here we go..About two months ago I had dream that I died and went to hell, it was red with a black sky and everything was deformed. While I was there I begged the devil to send my back to earth, and he did. He passed me an iPod with earphones with a song titled “the_alt of god land by Björk” on it. I fell back to earth hearing this song playing, landed in some rich guys lawn then broke into his house and my friend robbed him... I woke up from the dream. Opened my notes app and wrote down the song title thinking it sounded “cool”, this was on March 10th just around when quarantine started. I remembered most of the details about the wild dream I had and texted my friend Cindy about it. I must have sounded crazy, She agreed. Anyways about a month goes by and I’ve started to read the Bible and get closer to god. I was also working on a mixtape, that had songs with religious topics. I decided to make that song I heard in my dream a reality. Which I did, half way done with it I texted my friend Cindy seeing if she could help me out with a lyric, sending her the unfinished audio file. There was no word that seemed to fit in the verse. I was anxious to finish the song. Just then.. I heard a voice/thought in my head clear as day saying “sell your soul to finish the song”. I was shocked and instantly denied that thought. Saying aloud “what the heck no, this song will get done anyway” and later that same day it kinda did. I thought nothing of it, but then woke up the next day with my chest hurting. I was confused and thought maybe I did sell my soul on accident. I went on google and it made my anxiety worse. I began to read all the stories saying “once you sell your soul god can’t hear you” and your doomed to hell and all these things. For some reason I believed it and from then on spiraled into insanity, thinking of the “what if’s”. I cried out praying obsessively for days, felt empty, stopped eating, felt hopeless, and started having blasphemous thoughts. I would constantly apologize to god for every “sin” or bad thought in my head. It got ridiculous. I’ve had plans to move out to San Diego, start college, get my drivers license but due to Covid-19 I couldn’t leave just yet. Everything was meaningless, I would sit outside with a million thoughts racing in my head. I would repeat prayers over and over but the voices in my head would get too loud. One time I meant to say “the devil is lair” in a prayer but said gods name instead, I freaked out. Thinking I just committed the one unforgivable sin. I’ve believed in god my whole life and never speak bad about him. Bad Thoughts would materialize in my head and if I didn’t deny them immediately I would flip. I eventually had to speak out to my childhood friend Cindy. We had a talk outside her house I was afraid she’d think I was mentally sick but I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I knew I could trust her. I confessed everything. She just felt like the right person to talk to cause she’s had a hard life too, especially because of her cancer. Her words lifted up and she gave me advice. Telling me I should tell my family what’s going on and that she has a family friend (Nancy) who’s good with these kinda things. I felt better but this was the beginning of a long up and down anxiety journey. I talked to Nancy with Cindy we had a long heartfelt conversation outside. She was the one, I felt as like my prayers had been answered and god sent her my way to talk to. I used her advice for days reminding myself that god loves me unconditionally, and that I’m a good person and these bad thoughts don’t define me. She assured me the I didn’t sell my soul and it could just be the devil trying to separate me from god. So I went on temporarily feeling better, then the doubts came. Everything I once said to calm myself down didn’t help me. So I told my aunt Jazz and her fitness boyfriend Jessi my thoughts I was having. Jessi suggested medication, I took lithium pills, magnesium, and other mood balancers I mixed with the little food I ate. I started to run on the treadmill to distract myself from the uncontrollable thoughts I was having. It slightly worked but I still would stop frequently to apologize to god for the terrible thoughts I was having. At that point I had enough. My mom came to me one night, I cried and told her I had anxiety. She suggested things I could do and I wanted therapy, I didn’t have health care so that wasn’t available. I had trouble doing anything, from watching tv to showering to sleeping, life felt impossible even to do the most basic activities because I was so caught up in my own mind. My grandma had me talk to a priest and I gave my life to Jesus Christ, and was forgiven for all my sins. I balled and felt changed but the peace only lasted so long. Right after that I remember seeing an ac unit and my head saying “sell your soul to have one when you grow up” what was wrong with me?, my anxiety controlled my life saying what I could and could not do. This was all new to me my mind said if I do one thing this way or if I ate one more bite of blank that’d mean “my soul would be sold”. I prayed for forgiveness so many times, I felt like I needed to be perfect and didn’t allow myself to “sin” forgetting I was human. Every time I felt normal for even a second my head said “why are you feeling happy don’t you remember this and this and that”. I felt a battle inside me. I began talking to myself aloud saying things to combat what was being said in my head and I would repeat simple prayers giving thanks and saying “I’m sorry god for all my bad thoughts I can’t control them right now, please heal me”. This helped but would be said every minute of the day so it drained me. I felt insane and maybe I was but that realization didn’t stop the thoughts. I prayed countless times. I tried to distract myself with the gospel and music but these can only do so much when you having a reoccurring thought. As you can imagine my family noticed a change in me. My sprit had faded. So I was sent to the babysitters house at the tailor park where my little siblings lived, she allowed me to stay with her as long as it took and wanted to pray with me, she feared I’d be sent to a mental asylum and I wanted to prevent that from happening. That first night I was hopeful, she made dinner I barely touched the plate. We started to pray, it was the worst. I never felt this much anxiety in my life I was having a panic attack. Every word that came out of there mouths was a blur. The family spoke Spanish so it made it harder to understand yet my head denied the prayer. I had thoughts that went against it I felt as if a demon possessed me. Then the babysitter started talking about one of our lesbian family friends. Saying how she lived a sinful life, I disagreed but let her finish her prayer. Then at the end she and husband asked how I felt, I was honest I said I couldn’t pay attention at all. I looked dead restless and excused myself, thanking them for there “help”. By then I lost all hope. I couldn’t handle it. I called my other aunt Yvette and her husband Philp. I told them what was going on. I confessed my bulimic episodes and told them I think I sold my soul through thought to finish a song. The conversation helped me a lot. She reminded me that god makes no mistakes. I felt better that night but the next morning something snapped. I freaked out i went outside crying begging god to help me stop all my suffering. I said to myself this is it I can’t live like this anymore, I was sure that would be my last day on earth. I finally understood why people take there own lives. I wanted answers to impossible questions that no human could answer. The reason I’m still here is because I didn’t let the devil win, I just said to myself things will get better with time even if it feels like nothing will ever change. Later that day I talked to a priest on the phone and gave my life to Jesus for the second time. I know people say Jesus can heal anything but when your head doesn’t let you even focus on the words coming out of your mouth. It’s hard to keep your faith strong. That night I begged on the bathroom floor for god to send me some sign that he still there. I was asking him to do anything move any little object, or make a sound. I cried to have to holy spirt be entered in to me, nothing happened. The next day the babysitter made me promise to go to her friends church service with her husband and I was desperate for answers so if course I went. While I was there they dedicated the service to me calling me out in the surprisingly large crowd for a pandemic. The whole time they preached not a word entered my head. My back started to hurt unbearably like if a winged demon placed all his weight on both my shoulders with claws digging into my flesh. I didn’t know who to believe, I didn’t know if this was a spiritual or medical problem. I questioned everything but then was called up to the alter near the end of the service. The priest was the same lady I talked on the phone with. She said to me “your gay” I was so confused why does that that to do with anything. I pretended to not understand her Spanish and spoke to her about how I was feeling. She started to pray loudly I tried so hard to pay attention. She drew a cross of oil on my forehead and demanded the demons to be cast out of me. I lifted my arms with my eyes closed and crying and felt gushes of wind flow through my fingers at a closed church with no window near me. The priest made me hug a man tight as if he was my brother the whole church watched but I felt a different kind of presence. My left hand was risen and my whole head and body was being turned to face the preacher praying passionately. I couldn’t stop it there was know one there but the man I had my arms around. This was it I felt gods presence. I didn’t know whether to fight the urge to stand or let it take me. One thing was for sure though this was real. My head even still then carried bad thoughts repeating “reverse reverse”. I avoided them though. The crowd cheered I sat back down trying to comprehend what just happened. At the end of the service I asked the priest what I felt she said there we’re angels flying around me rejoicing and that we may not be able to see god but feel his presence. I was content, for that night at least. Some how my mind still thought I had no soul. I was so frustrated. I starting doing the most I could to do avoid overthinking. Again I fell for the trap i walked outside crying publicly in the whole tailor park neighborhood cause now I had thoughts doubting the existence of god. Why? I knew he was real but the thoughts wouldn’t stop. I called I need Jesus hotlines no body answered probably because the outbreak. The audio mated voice recording explained what Jesus did for us though I wish I had know sooner. I prayed to god hoping he would send someone my way or some one would see me crying and help me out, but no one did. I just blamed it on the virus. I wore a mask and was visibly struggling but I was left alone. I called up Cindy we talked for two hours. Just reminiscing on childhood memories, laughing and speaking to another human being felt so good. It brought me hope. From then on I stayed at the tailor park we prayed every night, sang worship music, attended church twice a week, and I went on a lot of walks alone with oranges, water, music, distractions and phone conversations with Cindy. I was recovering daily. I spoke to myself a lot. However I still had these anxiety attacks and doubts. I went back to the song that caused all this and completed it for Jesus in his name. I just had to come up with a new way to cope every time the old way failed. It’s been 2 and half weeks of this anxiety. I’ve learned a lot through this painful experience and I’m still struggling heavily through this. I probably say the “devil is liar” a thousand times a day and I’m really struggling with ocd tendencies. Sometimes I just pray Jesus will come back and free us from our suffering but until then I’m just trying to enjoy anything I can. Life is short and if you going through anything like I am. I recommend you listen to the “Jesus, Me, & Anxiety” podcast by Kassi Russell if you can. Also reading the New Testament has helped me better focus and restore my faith. My mindset is changing every day but right now I say to myself, even if you did “sell your soul” you can still love and follow Jesus, god knows your true heart, and don’t let your anxiety take away what’s right in front of you. I Know this will take time to get over and I feel for anyone “thinking they sold their soul”. on a spiritual side the devil knows your weaknesses and is the father of lies, he will kick you when you down, but fight your demons don’t let no one take your Salvation away. / if anyone has read this thank you. I would really appreciate some advice. This is my real current life Not a made up story. This is what my thoughts have done to me but i know if I get through this I will become stronger. /sorry for any spelling errors I wrote this mentally unwell.
Here are the lryics to the song that drove me insane:
the_alt of god land
1,2
Cause oh honey, I was wrong
Oh honey, I was wrong
Guy takes me down to a show
I don’t know how to hide my feelings anymore
I wanna give a hug
But I cannot hide from us
Then you start walking away
Wait I gotta question
Something’s wrong
(question / my soul)
Why would He make you this way if you’re not meant to love someone?
Why would there be fight if your not gonna try
Hoping someone could lead me out
I’ve been hating crazy lately
Dragging everyone else down
I’m not the judge
But how would you know
When you go to sleep is He the last thought in your head?
I’m in love with Jesus
I’m in love you, I’m in love
I’ll never feel sad again
Long as I have my Jesus
I belong to Jesus
I’m in love
Now look at everyone else
I’m the guy whose gonna change your mind (with Jesus Christ)
Here are the lryics to the song that drove me insane:
the_alt of god land
1,2
Cause oh honey, I was wrong
Oh honey, I was wrong
Guy takes me down to a show
I don’t know how to hide my feelings anymore
I wanna give a hug
But I cannot hide from us
Then you start walking away
Wait I gotta question
Something’s wrong
(question / my soul)
Why would He make you this way if you’re not meant to love someone?
Why would there be fight if your not gonna try
Hoping someone could lead me out
I’ve been hating crazy lately
Dragging everyone else down
I’m not the judge
But how would you know
When you go to sleep is He the last thought in your head?
I’m in love with Jesus
I’m in love you, I’m in love
I’ll never feel sad again
Long as I have my Jesus
I belong to Jesus
I’m in love
Now look at everyone else
I’m the guy whose gonna change your mind (with Jesus Christ)
