So lets start at the beginning. Ive always had some ocd. I remember being five and trying to go to go to bed and picturing blocks going together in my head, seeing them fit snugly together was very satisfying, but they would always mess up somehow and I would not be able to relax until I made them right (which was never ) and i would cover my head with my blanket to try to stop the image from happening and get very frustrated. It would also show in my drawings in that whenever I drew a structure or machine (I loved the robot from the incredibles) I would almost always have the fear strike me that the structure could be unstable and collapse or the machine could be overheated and I would try to alleviate these thoughts by adding more beams, more pipes, ect, ect. But it would never calm the fear. Fast forward a few years and you'd find me not doing that anymore but instead developing a habit for every little thing I did in my life with the fear something would go wrong if I stopped the habit would form in minutes and would take months to overcome. Now when I turned 14 I had a major sliding from my faith born out of anger and revenge and I got into all sorts of deviances over the next few years, lusts, extremely sinful thoughts, movies, books, and video games ranging in almost anything you can think of (with a few exceptions) I prayed to God but really didn't care what he thought, I became reclusive and extremely hateful and vengful. This lasted untill I was about 21 when I woke up one morning and felt the most horrible and for me indescribable conviction I had ever felt accompanied with a deep sorrow. And throughout the next few days proceeded to throw away around 90% of my video games and all my other sinful things only keeping the ones I didn't feel compelled to get rid of (some basic strategy games) and turned to God begging for forgiveness. For weeks if I remember correctly I prayed and sought God until one night I was praying for forgiveness for hours when I suddenly felt a strange feeling and it felt like cool water was running through my very soul and I suddenly felt my guilt wash away with it and peace enter me.
I continued to study and listen to the scripture intensely for weeks and then calmed down and read and studied it a bit at the end of every day or so and still do.
Why give all this seemingly unrelated info you may ask? Well you see some weeks ago I got back into video games and movies watching and playing what I dont feel conviction for and not watching or playing what makes me feel bad , thanking God for blessing me with them and all seemed fine and dandy.
However, recently My ocd has been attacking with considerable strength and whats worse, has been mixing with my religion. I have begun doubting my salvation or if my repentance was good enough or real at heart or just out of fear and I haven't truly become a Christian other than in word. The bible says for example Christians will show love, that is one of their fruits right? and while I have stopped for the most part in hating everyone my temper is still easily aroused over silly things (say someone honks at me on the freeway or someone just wont stop talking) I also still have rather bad patience. But thats not all oh nononono. I also have a hard time telling if its the holly spirit or the ocd talking to me. Remember me trusting feeling the holy spirit on things? Well now I feel guilt on almost everything and its not even consistent, some days I'll pick up a game and feel fine others I'll pick up the same game and feel terible. Sometimes I'll even feel a voice tell me I'll going to go to hell if I play some strategy games. I also have voices continually repeating horrible blasphemy and pledges which I am always fighting 24/7 because I feel bad for even letting them be there.I also feel bad for feelling proud for things I built or drew, or helped with because pride is a sin. I wouldn't think it would apply to such things but I don't want to risk being wrong, I also feel guilt for drawing silly things like knights dueling. No blood no gore, just good old swords clashing. But I don't know if it's the holy spirit condeming voilence or ocd going crazy (same applies to some movies and video games) so I've stopped drawing for a bit just to be safe. And thats another thing.I'm terrified of being wrong while thinking I was right! One of the most terrifying things to me is being one of the people who think they're going to heaven but actually aren't! And I can't shake that fear no matter how much I study! When I was a child I had dreams of monsters taking over the world and killing anyone who wouldn't become a monster and out of fear of death I accepted and became a monster and now that I'm older I'm afraid those dreams little me had where about the anti christ and me accepting the mark of the beast (yeah I wasn't the happiest of kids) and as silly as that sounds my ocd has made it a major fear of my life. I'm not even 100% shure of what I'm feeling anymore conviction,anxiety,stress,joy, all seem to be mixed altogether so the only time I'm not worried is when I feel nothing at all. I also doubt what I'm posting, is this me thumbing my nose at God and seeking guidance others rather than his for example? I've heard one of the ways to silence ocd is just expose yourself to it and ignore it, but what if some of its the Holy Spirit and I end up searing it? Or what if this is me trying to ignore Gods advice and just covering it with an excuse? Am i not giving God enough time in my life and is this just me trying to find excuses? What if I don't have salvation and this is just my mind making things up out of desperation?
I doubt when I make a penstroke, I doubt when I use certian numbers ,I doubt and fear when I make decisions. I feel kinda bad for posting this wondering if I'm just trying to find ways around God and might be greiving him. Sorry for the long text but I could really use some advice and I dont have money for counselling or a psychiatrist.
I continued to study and listen to the scripture intensely for weeks and then calmed down and read and studied it a bit at the end of every day or so and still do.
Why give all this seemingly unrelated info you may ask? Well you see some weeks ago I got back into video games and movies watching and playing what I dont feel conviction for and not watching or playing what makes me feel bad , thanking God for blessing me with them and all seemed fine and dandy.
However, recently My ocd has been attacking with considerable strength and whats worse, has been mixing with my religion. I have begun doubting my salvation or if my repentance was good enough or real at heart or just out of fear and I haven't truly become a Christian other than in word. The bible says for example Christians will show love, that is one of their fruits right? and while I have stopped for the most part in hating everyone my temper is still easily aroused over silly things (say someone honks at me on the freeway or someone just wont stop talking) I also still have rather bad patience. But thats not all oh nononono. I also have a hard time telling if its the holly spirit or the ocd talking to me. Remember me trusting feeling the holy spirit on things? Well now I feel guilt on almost everything and its not even consistent, some days I'll pick up a game and feel fine others I'll pick up the same game and feel terible. Sometimes I'll even feel a voice tell me I'll going to go to hell if I play some strategy games. I also have voices continually repeating horrible blasphemy and pledges which I am always fighting 24/7 because I feel bad for even letting them be there.I also feel bad for feelling proud for things I built or drew, or helped with because pride is a sin. I wouldn't think it would apply to such things but I don't want to risk being wrong, I also feel guilt for drawing silly things like knights dueling. No blood no gore, just good old swords clashing. But I don't know if it's the holy spirit condeming voilence or ocd going crazy (same applies to some movies and video games) so I've stopped drawing for a bit just to be safe. And thats another thing.I'm terrified of being wrong while thinking I was right! One of the most terrifying things to me is being one of the people who think they're going to heaven but actually aren't! And I can't shake that fear no matter how much I study! When I was a child I had dreams of monsters taking over the world and killing anyone who wouldn't become a monster and out of fear of death I accepted and became a monster and now that I'm older I'm afraid those dreams little me had where about the anti christ and me accepting the mark of the beast (yeah I wasn't the happiest of kids) and as silly as that sounds my ocd has made it a major fear of my life. I'm not even 100% shure of what I'm feeling anymore conviction,anxiety,stress,joy, all seem to be mixed altogether so the only time I'm not worried is when I feel nothing at all. I also doubt what I'm posting, is this me thumbing my nose at God and seeking guidance others rather than his for example? I've heard one of the ways to silence ocd is just expose yourself to it and ignore it, but what if some of its the Holy Spirit and I end up searing it? Or what if this is me trying to ignore Gods advice and just covering it with an excuse? Am i not giving God enough time in my life and is this just me trying to find excuses? What if I don't have salvation and this is just my mind making things up out of desperation?
I doubt when I make a penstroke, I doubt when I use certian numbers ,I doubt and fear when I make decisions. I feel kinda bad for posting this wondering if I'm just trying to find ways around God and might be greiving him. Sorry for the long text but I could really use some advice and I dont have money for counselling or a psychiatrist.
