angry at husband

[mandah2386]

I am a SAHM so I understand that most of the time I'm going to have my daughter and that's fine, but how do you get your husband to share in taking care of your child when he's home from work and on the weekends? I never get to go anywhere without my daughter, if I go visit a friend I take my daughter, if I go to the store I take my daughter. It's fine most of the time, but I too would like to have time alone by myself or time alone with my girlfriends. My husband works 10 hour days 4 days a week, he's also a volunteer fire fighter. On the days that he's off he's usually gone on a call or sitting on the couch "relaxing". It frustrates me because I would like a break once in a while. When I do go to try to do something by myself and I ask him to watch our daughter for a few hours(Like if I want to get my haircut or something) he'll say "why don't you get my mom or your mom to watch her"? It angers me that he can't take care of his own child by himself.

As we speak he's gone paintballing with his friends and I'm at home taking care of our daughter. He's been gone since 9 this morning and said that he didn't know what time he'd be home tonight. I can understand if he was working or something like that, but when you are hanging out with your friends, the time you leave is in your control. I just wish for once he would be a man and act like he is married with a child(with another on the way!)

We've had this conversation so many times it makes me sick. Last summer he was a full time student, a part time worker, a volunteer fire fighter and an assistant coach for his best friend's son baseball team. He was everywhere but home with us. When I brought it up he got all mad and yelled "FINE i'll just QUIT the fire dept and the softball team" and that's not exactly what I wanted, I just wanted him to relize that we want him home too and that when he's home I want his attention to be on his daughter and not in front of the tv or on the computer trying to "relax" because he was never home. How should I go about this conversation without sounding like a nag, or is it just a lost cause and I just need to suck it up?


Also, how do you remain peaceful when your angry at someone? i feel like I have a valid reason for being upset, but I can't help but think Satan is trying to anger me and cause problems in my marriage, but I also don't want to see like a pushover and allow this behavior to continue. What can i do?

 

[Bellicus]

How about "I'm going out a few hours, Ill be back soon, take care of the child" and then just leaving? How would he handle that?

 

[Elijah2]

I am sorry but what is SAHM?

Is you husband a Christian?

How old is your daughter?

A self-centred, selfish, and controlling person always acts this way.

You can forgive him and love him, but you shouldn't have to accept this treatment.

How would he react if you went out and left your daughter with him? Would he be responsible?

Have you spoken to your pastor about this situation, because if it keeps going then your marriage will be completely destroyed. No doubt this is Satan and his forces at work, coming against you to steal, destroy, and kill your relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ.

Please get good GOD-anointed counselling advice.

I could say leave him, because it's obvious of his self-centredness, selfishness, and all SELF, which doesn't show any love to you and your daughter, or any headship responsibility. It all about him, and nobody else.

Is he a heavy drinker?

The reason why he is involved in all of these things, is because he wants to feel important, but express his love for you.

Did he have a dysfunctional family life? Most husbands who act this way suffers from past childhood experiences through their own mother and father.

Blessings.

 

[childofGod31]

You can cry out to God (with all your might and all your heart) that He would do something...

Also, make sure that God is number one in your life. We can't always expect God to give us gifts, without inviting the Giver himself to be the master of our lives...

He might be planning something, but is waiting for you to ask...

 

[LilLamb219]

How about "I'm going out a few hours, Ill be back soon, take care of the child" and then just leaving? How would he handle that?

Excellent advice!

Sometimes you shouldn't give any choice...especially since HE is a parent as well, not just you! Your husband needs to realize that you aren't the sole caretaker of your child and that you need time to refresh as well.

Is your husband afraid to spend time alone with her? Or is he just too immature to handle being a parent and would rather be selfish to take care of his own needs and wants.

Also, maybe start off instead of going away for many hours at a time just going out for a half hour here and there and building up to longer periods. That way he gets used to being home with her and he won't feel "stuck" at home for any reason. You can always turn it around and say that your child would LOVE to spend some alone time with Daddy...instead of trying to demand personal time for yourself. It might work!

 

[covenantwmn]

If you feel you can't lay it all down to him directly, or if you have and he ignores your feelings, then it's possible you have deeper issues here. In marriage one lays down their life for the other, willingly, lovingly, sounds like you're doing all the laying down, Bible doesn't back that up. He is to love you as Christ loves the church. I would discuss it with him, how it makes you feel when he treats you this way and see what he says. Communication is key, and stay on your knees, God hears. Blessings.

 

[TheDag]

Hi Elijah
SAHM is Stay At Home Mum

 

[TheDag]

Hi Mandah
This is a tuff situation. I think you need to make sure you have a good support network who can help you to move forward and solve this issue.

Others have said pray and that is obviously the first starting point.
Another suggestion I would make is getting the book Boundaries by Drs Cloud & Townsend. This helps teach ways to set boundaries and enforce them in a healthy way. They also have book called Boundaries in Marriage which could be more applicable. you don't need to read the first one as the concepts are explained in both.

I would like to share a thought my wife had in regards to men being helpful. When my wife was pregnant it caused heart problems to go wild. After giving birth when a second feeding was needed she said straight up to the midwife no I'm too tired I just can't do it you need to find an alternative. the alternative is that I was given our baby and a bottle. I had no choice but to step in and help. My wife believes that has a large influence as to why I don't hesitate to step in and help. Perhaps there is some way this could be achieved with the upcoming birth. Perhaps speak to your parents (and in-laws) about helping around the birth but also setting guidelines so your husband can't avoid doing everything. It is possible it has always been done for him in the past and he just expects that it will be the same.


I would like to emphasize that you need to approach this in a non-confrontational way. As one poster suggested let him know how it makes you feel. When doing this use "I" statements. For example "Sometimes I really need a break on my own and when I can't do that I get frustrated". Using this technique helps the other person not to feel attacked or that they are at fault. If they feel attacked or at fault they often respond in anger.

A boundary you might like to consider is that you have roughly equal amounts of personal recreation time on your own where the other parent looks after your daughter.
Also I know you don't want him to give up baseball and firefighting. They are good things but in this case I think the better thing is that he gives up at least one of them. After all family should come first. If these other things are eating in family time then the family will suffer and it also means I'm guessing that you don't get much time with your husband and relationships need work to continue. Without that work they fall apart.

 

[BigNorsk]

Another thing to remember is, he literally doesn't have much if any experience taking care of children.

So he might think, others are better today at it and it would be easier if someone else did it. And he's got a point.

However, you can work through that if you do a couple of things.

First, teach him. Show him how to do things.

Secondly, when you come home and the child is dressed in the most horrible outfit you can imagine, at that point you have a choice. Rip the clothes off the child and forever be assured your husband will never want to try again. Or thank him for dressing the child.

You've developed a lot of skills that he hasn't.

Let's flip it. Let's say he says how he wishes you'd take care of the cars sometimes and he's going for a walk, do whatever needs to be done?

How would you receive that? Realizing a car isn't a child but the point is. You or at least most women don't have a bunch of developed skills on working on a car. And what often happens if they do try or do help is instead of being complimented, they are ridiculed or hollared at.

And this doesn't make them want to help with the car.

And it won't make him want to help with the child if he is treated that way either.

It's hard to walk in with the child in a nonmatching outfit, eating something that wouldn't be your choice, and the living room looks like WWIII and genuinely thank your husband for taking care of the child, but that's what it takes if you don't want your husband to treat the child like a radioactive sight to best be avoided.

 

[heron]

Is your husband afraid to spend time alone with her? Or is he just too immature to handle being a parent and would rather be selfish to take care of his own needs and wants.

Men who do this end up regretting it when the kids are older. They complain that they were too busy working to watch their kids grow up, and tend to forget all the times they played... instead remembering that the wife's label was SAHM.

I think there is jealousy involved, and he doesn't see that taking care of a child is a nonstop job. It is not just nonstop from day to day, but minute to minute.

Assume that your husband is a problem-solver, who believes in delegating. As mentioned above, he thinks someone with more skill could do the job better. Remove the obvious reaction to this, and think of how you would solve the problem if you were him.

He might get his mother to watch your child, or even hire someone. He would deem it worth the investment, because his time is worth more.

Take this concept, and turn it around. Tell him that you plan to hire someone once a week so that you can get things done. A woman's natural reaction to this is mixed with guilt, both about care for the child and money spent unwisely. But that is probably not what he thinks.

Whether it seems right or not, try it. You might be surprised. If you show that you value your time as much as he values his own, then you will appear more human to him, and less mother-like. If you let this grow and go on for years, he will think of you as wanting this setup, becoming like his mother, and incapable of doing what employed people do. Asserting yourself now, even with a struggle, will pay off in the long run.

 

[TanteBelle]

Could I post a thought? Perhaps he doesn't see how important he is in the life of his daughter. I believe that a father is the only person who can validate a girl into being a confident young woman. I believe that is why we have the problem that we have with teens; fathers don't know how important their role as a parent is to their children. Perhpas he doesn't feel needed? And that he might be in the way?? I don't know, I am only 19!