Anger

[Alenci]

I have tried hard to be patient with one of my close friends, but I've nearly reached the snapping point.

I met him about a year ago at church. He developed a crush on me, but I wasn't interested. After some weeks I became friends with another guy at church who was also in my classes. I DID like the new guy, and the two sort of vyed for my attention until the issue finally came to a head and I had to reject my friend. We stayed close friends, even after I started going out with the other guy. Eventually my friend got over me and things were good. But over the past summer my boyfriend and I broke up, although we are close friends as always. I remain interested in him only and do not see that changing any time soon. Even if I did, for some reason, change my mind, I still would not consider dating my friend, because he simply does not meet my qualifications and I feel that we have far too little in common. Unfortunately, my friend apparently started liking me again when the school year started up. I felt bad at first. I tried to clue him in that I wasn't interested by talking about my former boyfriend, but that only made him mope more. Worse, he has been poor about coming to activities. He was complaining about not wanting to see someone there, which I can only assume is my former boyfriend. Things have really just spiralled downhill to the point where I am genuinely angry with my friend. He really needs to get over it and grow up. I tried to be considerate for as long as I could, but there's only so much I can do. And it's really not fair that he should mope and be angsty and write cryptic things, because he has no reason to rake me over coals for not liking him. I'm getting really annoyed that the more I hint that I'm not interested, the harder he tries. It's only infatuation, so he really needs to get over it. I need patience... a lot of it. Ugh. I feel like telling him to bug off. But he's my friend, and I can't purposefully hurt him.

 

[Sheva]

Well, that sounds almost identical to the situation I was in… except I was the infatuated guy. It seems like you have the right mindset but I don’t think there is an easy answer to solving the situation.

The best you can do is to tell him you’ll never be interested and encourage him to find someone who will have feelings for him. I can’t claim to read your friend’s mind but when I was in this situation, I had really strong feelings for a girl that weren’t reciprocated. She was fine with being friends, but that really wasn’t what I wanted. Being rejected made me feel that I was somehow not good enough for this girl. Honestly it made me feel like a loser. And it’s just as true, that after I was rejected the first time, I thought (although I had known her for awhile) that if I could only show her more of my personality and spend more time with her, then she would be attracted to me. This was not the case.

My frustration boiled over during the summer because she never seemed to have enough time for me and I told her I still was attracted to her. Like you, she was angry that I hadn’t gotten over her…after all it was more than 6 months earlier when I had first admitted I liked her.

To make a long story shorter I apologized for my frustration. She forgave me and we are still friends. I asked if we could still hang out and she was fine with that. But being truly honest, I still am attracted to her. I do not willfully have such feelings for her, in fact I would much rather not have any feelings for her at all and I work at trying to make that the case. But I think anyone who has been infatuated with someone else realizes that it’s not easy to suppress such feelings.

She realizes that I still have feeling for her because (and this probably wasn’t the best of ideas… to say the least) I asked if I could kiss her recently. She politely declined. But being the kind Christian that she is, I think she realized that everyone has moments where emotions are running high and someone says something stupid. And I think she was willing to forgive my stupidity because I made it clear that having a friendship with her is very important to me. In fact, the last time we hung out everything went well and, if anything, I kind of saw our friendship in a better light. Back when I was infatuated with her I thought that dating her would be the best thing that could ever happen to me. Now I’ve matured enough to see that this probably would not have been the case. Instead I think it’s great that I do have a friend in this person. Admittedly, there are still times when my pesky emotions frustrate me, but I think we can all admit that our emotions can get the best of any of us. Even you admit that you feel quite angry even though patience would be better in this situation.

So back to your situation. Obviously your frustration is justified in this situation. However, as mentioned, it’s not so easy for a guy to just “get over it.” In my opinion you should make it absolutely clear to him that you are not and will not ever be interested in him. Don’t just give him clues, but tell it to his face, because otherwise he’ll think that their might still be some hope for boyfriend girlfriend relationship. Hopefully, he’ll realize that a friendship with you is worth something even if can’t completely forget his affection for you. It’s definitely not an easy situation and I’m sure you realize that the emotions someone can develop for someone else can be really strong, but if you both act in a Christian manner hopefully everything will work out for the best.

 

[Alenci]

Don’t just give him clues, but tell it to his face, because otherwise he’ll think that their might still be some hope for boyfriend girlfriend relationship.

If he still feels any hope, it's his own fault.

At least six days ago I wrote the following in part of a LiveJournal entry:

"And lastly, things with [my former boyfriend] have been interesting. I am ceaselessly amazed by his simple habit of complying cheerfully and immediately with any favor I ask, even going above and beyond. His continuing support and encouragement is so valuable to me. It's been a weird journey to the point at which we've found our friendship, but I think we're settling into a sort of tacit agreement on the status quo that will sustain us for quite some time. I've not had the conversation, and at this point I am no longer planning on doing so. It is clear to me that he is happier than he has been at any point during the year, so to ask him for any advice on how to comply with his desire to keep it strictly a friendship would be superfluous. I am still certain he has feelings for me, and though it is undeniably confusing at times that he has, seemingly, not put forth enough effort to hide them, at least he has been consistant in his words. His purpose is unclear to me, but I am satisfied to be his friend for the time being. I trust his motives. And to be honest, very little even changed in our relationship; it was only stepped down. Our dating relationship was purposefully light on the physical side and lighter yet on straightforward, verbal expressions of affection. We were close friends before, as now. Call me a fool or what you will, but I can not see myself looking anywhere else for a long time. Good things come to those who wait, I always said."

[Text bolded for emphasis; did not appear in actual entry].

Of course he immediately followed up my entry with his own LiveJournal entry about feeling second rate, and asking who really cared about him, and wanting to go outside in the rain and run until he couldn't run anymore, and so on and so forth. I feel bad... but what can I do? It would be worse to let him think I was interested. And it's not as if I put him down. All I did was praise my former boyfriend, which I can scarcely help... I really love and admire him.