Ancient Jewish Pre-Marriage Customs

[Kilk1]

Hello! Does anyone have any knowledge of ancient Jewish pre‐marriage customs, customs pertaining to what couples did before being betrothed/married? In other words, since the dating concept we have today is a modern one, how did people find a spouse in Biblical times? For example, would Song of Solomon 8:1 suggest that it was frowned upon (“despised,” NKJV) for couples to kiss before marriage? What about cuddling/holding and other amorous things that couples do today? If you have answers to these questions, thanks in advance, as I’d consider such information to be of great benefit!

 

[tturt]

Studied it some

First there was an agreement, the couple became betrothed, then later a ceremony.

"And what man is there that hath betrothed a wife, and hath not taken her? ..." Deu 20:7

Gen 24, Abraham sending his servant out for the purpose of getting God's choice of a bride for Isaac. This chapter includes the purpose being stated to her family, gifts, witnesses, and most importantly, the bride agreeing. Also, Samson In Judges 14 shows the agreement is first "And he came up, and told his father and his mother, and said, I have seen a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife." Also, betrothals were legally binding contracts and they were considered married. If broken, they had to get a divorce. Luke 1 states Mary was a virgin and espoused to Joseph. If they were sexually active, Joseph would not have considered putting her away. Matt 1

Once they were bethrothed, the groom returned to his father's house to prepare for his bride. Plus, the bride made herself ready (Rev 19:7). Their communication was through a friend of the bridegroom. Sometimes that designated friend and the bride ended up marrying as was Samson's case Judges 14.

They didn't have a wedding ceremony until the groom's Father said it was time. When it happened, it lasted 7 days. Other customs have a Biblical basis such as "For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself." Gen 24:65 Gen 2 and Eph 5:23 - man leaves his father and mother then unites with his wife.

We are Christ's bride (II Cor 11:2-3). Sure you can see - He wants His bride - whosoever will come to Him and accept Him as their Savior (Matt 10:32, I Pet 2:9), our price has been paid in full (Luk 24:46-47, Eph 5:25 John 10:11,19:30, Rev 5:9+), He is preparing a place for us (John 14:2-3), we are expecting Him to come (Rev 19:7, 22:17), He'll come back when the Father says the day and hour (Matt 24:36),, He'll return with His bridal party (Jer 13:9, I Thess 4:16-18, Matt 24:30-31) , and we'll have the marriage supper of the Lamb (Rev 19:9).

 

[dqhall]

Talmudic documents date back to the 1st century BC to the 3rd century AD. This article describes marriage customs and betrothal, including excerpts from the Talmud:
Jewish views on marriage - Wikipedia

 

[Kilk1]

T'

Studied it some

First there was an agreement, the couple became betrothed, then later a ceremony.

"And what man is there that hath betrothed a wife, and hath not taken her? ..." Deu 20:7

Gen 24, Abraham sending his servant out for the purpose of getting God's choice of a bride for Isaac. This chapter includes the purpose being stated to her family, gifts, witnesses, and most importantly, the bride agreeing. Also, Samson In Judges 14 shows the agreement is first "And he came up, and told his father and his mother, and said, I have seen a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife." Also, betrothals were legally binding contracts and they were considered married. If broken, they had to get a divorce. Luke 1 states Mary was a virgin and espoused to Joseph. If they were sexually active, Joseph would not have considered putting her away. Matt 1

Once they were bethrothed, the groom returned to his father's house to prepare for his bride. Plus, the bride made herself ready (Rev 19:7). Their communication was through a friend of the bridegroom. Sometimes that designated friend and the bride ended up marrying as was Samson's case Judges 14.

They didn't have a wedding ceremony until the groom's Father said it was time. When it happened, it lasted 7 days. Other customs have a Biblical basis such as "For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself." Gen 24:65 Gen 2 and Eph 5:23 - man leaves his father and mother then unites with his wife.

We are Christ's bride (II Cor 11:2-3). Sure you can see - He wants His bride - whosoever will come to Him and accept Him as their Savior (Matt 10:32, I Pet 2:9), our price has been paid in full (Luk 24:46-47, Eph 5:25 John 10:11,19:30, Rev 5:9+), He is preparing a place for us (John 14:2-3), we are expecting Him to come (Rev 19:7, 22:17), He'll come back when the Father says the day and hour (Matt 24:36),, He'll return with His bridal party (Jer 13:9, I Thess 4:16-18, Matt 24:30-31) , and we'll have the marriage supper of the Lamb (Rev 19:9).

It is interesting to see what yhe customs were in Bible times. Would you happen to have any information on how couples interacted before betrothal? Would Song 8:1 suggest the didn't kiss till marriage, for example? If so, are there any other potential differences?

 

[Kilk1]

T'

It is interesting to see what the customs were in Bible times. Would you happen to have any information on how couples interacted before betrothal? Would Song 8:1 suggest the didn't kiss till marriage, for example? If so, are there any other potential differences?

 

[Kilk1]

Talmudic documents date back to the 1st century BC to the 3rd century AD. This article describes marriage customs and betrothal, including excerpts from the Talmud:
Jewish views on marriage - Wikipedia

Thanks for the useful link! Would you happen to have any info on how couples interacted before marriage? Did they refrain from kissing, for example?

 

[dqhall]

Thanks for the useful link! Would you happen to have any info on how couples interacted before marriage? Did they refrain from kissing, for example?

They are supposed to be celibate before the wedding.

In recent times I have seen unmarried couples holding hands in public. It did not bother me. It may be impossible to separate them. Too much physical contact might be a mistake.

 

[tturt]

They communicated through the" friend of the bridegroom" before the ceremony..

Listening to Rabbi Lapin about a year ago and he suggested phone calls - without photo exchange, etc. f couples to talk to see if they wanted to meet.

 

[Kilk1]

They communicated through the" friend of the bridegroom" before the ceremony..

Listening to Rabbi Lapin about a year ago and he suggested phone calls - without photo exchange, etc. f couples to talk to see if they wanted to meet.

Would there be a friend of the bridegroom before betrothal, though? How did couples interact before betrothal? If they spent time together prior to betrothal, did they kiss, hold hands, etc.? It'd be interesting to know these things, though I'm currently not knowledgeable on such. If you have info on these questions, thanks in advanced! I appreciate your knowledge of this subject!

 

[tturt]

The Friend of the bridegroom communicated between the couple from bethrothal to celebration. Maybe instead of friend substitute "groomsman" to help understand how he served the couple. Here's how John described it - "He who has the bride is the bridegroom; but the groomsman who stands by and listens to him rejoices greatly and heartily on account of the bridegroom’s voice. This then is my pleasure and joy, and it is now complete." John 3:29

"Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman." I Cor 7:1 After the bethrothal, it was about a year before the ceremony/celebration when consummation occurred.

There was permanence and sanctity.

 

[Kilk1]

The Friend of the bridegroom communicated between the couple from bethrothal to celebration. Maybe instead of friend substitute "groomsman" to help understand how he served the couple. Here's how John described it - "He who has the bride is the bridegroom; but the groomsman who stands by and listens to him rejoices greatly and heartily on account of the bridegroom’s voice. This then is my pleasure and joy, and it is now complete." John 3:29

"Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman." I Cor 7:1 After the bethrothal, it was about a year before the ceremony/celebration when consummation occurred.

There was permanence and sanctity.

I see, the friend of the bridegroom was like a best man who facilitated communication from betrothal to celebration. I question I have is, what about before betrothal happened? Would the pre-betrothal stage (not the betrothal stage, but the time before it) be similar to our modern boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? Would couples be able to kiss, hold hands, etc.? My main question in the OP is on how couples interacted in Bible times prior to becoming betrothed, not during/after betrothal.

 

[tturt]

They didnt go from being alone together to not even seeing each other for a year.

Jesus told them "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. Matt 5:28

The Talmud requires for both of them to agree to the marriage and other guidelines Dating is to determine if they want to marry -even today it's serious.

As in Rabbi Lapin's teaching get to know each other and look beyond the physical attraction.

 

[Kilk1]

They didnt go from being alone together to not even seeing each other for a year.

Jesus told them "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. Matt 5:28

The Talmud requires for both of them to agree to the marriage and other guidelines Dating is to determine if they want to marry -even today it's serious.

As in Rabbi Lapin's teaching get to know each other and look beyond the physical attraction.

I think I see. You're saying that in Bible times, unmarried couples, whether betrothed yet or otherwise, would not spend time together alone and wouldn't kiss, hold hands, etc. until they were married. Is this correct?

 

[tturt]

That's the way it seems based on Scripture and Jewish guidelines

Read about a couple from rural US in the early 1940`s. They met at school and their dating consisted of him riding the family's horse to visit her on Sundays. Her family welcomed him for lunch. She was the youngest of 8 children. They rode horses and played games as well as attended church. They did see a movie a couple of times along with 4 other couples.

 

[Kilk1]

That's the way it seems based on Scripture and Jewish guidelines

Read about a couple from rural US in the early 1940`s. They met at school and their dating consisted of him riding the family's horse to visit her on Sundays. Her family welcomed him for lunch. She was the youngest of 8 children. They rode horses and played games as well as attended church. They did see a movie a couple of times along with 4 other couples.

That's interesting. Would you happen to have a link to the rabbi you referenced? If so, thanks!

 

[tturt]

rabbidaniellapin.com They have a "ask the rabbi" category.

 

[Kilk1]

rabbidaniellapin.com They have a "ask the rabbi" category.

Thank you!