Am I obsessing over her physical imperfections?

[seekinghim09]

Just to start, I think I know the answer to this (yes). However, this is just something I feel awful about, and want to seek counsel from other brothers in Christ who maybe went through the same thing (sisters, chime in if you want too).

I started dating this girl about a month ago, and she is SO great. We relate to each other well as we came from the similar backgrounds, share many common interests, both are walking with the Lord, and just enjoy each other's company. She is a very solid girl all-around! It has been progressing well as we have been getting to know each other, however there is one thing that I MUST get sorted out before I continue.

So often, I start off the night so happy to see her and thinking she looks cute, then all of a sudden as the night goes on (this is where I get disgusted with myself), I start getting zoned in on what are physical imperfections....maybe a chin roll, dark hair on areas other than her head, paler skin complexion, "can she lose 10 pounds?", etc. Then, I start comparing her to other girls in the room, often finding others more attractive. Then, I end the night very dissapointed with myself that I didn't just enjoy her company as I always do....I dissected her and really questioned how physically attracted I am to her.

Thing is, I know there is at least some attraction there. One night this week when I wasn't so focused on this and we both just had a great night, I kissed her goodnight....and sparks flew! I almost felt like I had to take a cold shower when I got back to my place....something I very rarely experience from a kiss (and makes me realize how careful I have to be in the future!)

Is this a red flag in her compatability with me, or is this just me letting certain things dwarf other great things about her (like I think it is). Ugh, I am so upset over this, she is so great and doesn't deserve these thoughts on my end!! I want to see her as imperfect as I am, and show the same kind of love for her Christ showed for us. This just doesn't seem to represent me pursuing a true biblical view of marriage at all....more "am I getting everything I can out of this?"

Brothers, have you been through something similar? If so, how did you tackle it? Thank you all for listening!

 

[BackwardsJustice]

Well coming from the point of view of a girl...usually the physical attraction comes before emotional. Did you find her attractive to begin with?

I think you are nit picking a bit, but then again if you are going to be that way don't pretend and break her heart by forcing yourself into a relationship you can't handle for whatever reason.

FYI we all get unwanted hair, in odd places..most gals see them and get rid of them before hand...but no matter what woman you end up with she will have hair in places you wouldn't believe haha. Either kindly let her know, (if you are serious in your relationship) Or hope she finds it......

Anyways the weight is super touchy too. Women are more often then not self conscious and know they need to loose weight. Only remedy for that is if you do get serious you need to be healthy as a team, not putting it all on her. Eat healthy together, be active together...you will see her drop that weight. Again that is further into a relationship....sounds like you are still getting to know each other.

And lastly, you will always look at people and find them attractive or not. It does not mean you want to hook up with them (that is don't let your mind even go there)...but I can look at a woman and see that she is pretty..same with a guy. Does not mean I want to be with them. I love my BF physically and emotionally. Imperfections on the outside should never outweigh your love or emotional attachment. If that is the case you need to reevaluate your entire relationship.

 

[seekinghim09]

Hi BackwardsJustice,

Thank you for your response! Yes, I did find her attractive to begin with. Not like "Oh my gosh, she's hot, I've gotta go out with this girl!". More like "She's kinda cute, I'd be up for going out with her if she is as great as my friends say she is!". So in other words I didn't take her out initially because of her looks (which I have done plenty of times before...rarely lasted long). Some friends told me that she was a high quality girl, and they thought we could hit it off.

I am fully on board with you, the LAST thing I would want to do is break her heart. I do care about her, so this is why I am wanting to confront this issue now. Shoot, if she was analyzing my looks, I probably wouldn't make the cut! I'm a decent looking, well groomed guy, but I'm certainly no Brad Pitt, I'm balding in my mid-20s!

Honestly, I just have never been in a relationship that lasted more than 2 months before, and I've only been in a couple of those! So, I've never really had the opportunity to get to know a girl and fall in love with her based off of who she is. So in this girl's case, it's still only been a month, so no real emotional bond has happened here yet. I've heard others say that the physical attraction often comes after the emotional bond is established, but I've just never been in a relationship long enough to experience that.

Anyone else been in this same boat, and then found it just didn't really matter after a few months? I'm just trying to be super careful here!

 

[BackwardsJustice]

Glad I could help a bit! But in my experience as a gal, yeah I haven't really dated anyone I wasn't attracted to, to start with. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now, and the more you love them every day those things are overlooked easily.

If you really like and grow to love her I don't think it will be an issue unless you let it. If you get that emotional connection it will come with the physical attraction too. I'm saying I don't think you can fall in love with her without all the right elements.

 

[seekinghim09]

Yes, what you are saying really does make sense....I guess it just boils down to laying it with the Lord and seeing if He builds that attraction with time as I get to know her.

She came over last night just to hang out, and for whatever reason then I just found her to be so pretty, and I just had such a great desire to be close to her (and she did with me too)! This is dumb....I sit back and look at it and it amazes me how wishy-washy I've been....I certainly haven't been displaying the characteristics of someone fit to be a Godly leader in a relationship.

I read a Boundless (Focus on the Family) article yesterday called "I'm Just Not Attracted To Her", and it talked about seeking true beauty rather than the "outward adornment" described in 1 Peter 3 3-5....desiring someone who resembles Christ more than a Vogue model. I feel like it applies a lot to me, like my "beauty meter" has been thrown off by going to colleges and now living in a more "well-to-do" area where girls obsess about their outward appearance. I think I've felt like I've got to be with someone who everyone looks at and thinks "Wow, you did well, go you!"

Now, in addition to lifting it up in prayer, I just need to find practical ways to recalibrate my "beauty meter".....

 

[Luther073082]

While you shouldn't be dating someone you arn't attracted to, focusing on someone's physical imperfections is pretty much like focusing on someone's human inperfections. We're all sinners and therefore all of us are imperfect. If you focus on your partner's past and their sins then you will never find the right person.

Likewise if you start looking and focusing on their "physical imperfections" you are never going to find the right person. I guarentee to you that you could date any woman, you want and still find imperfections. . . think of an attractive famous woman. . . take her out of the air brushing that the magazines do to her, take her when she's not wearing any make up and trust me you can find SOMETHING that is imperfect about her looks.

Perhaps the reason for your lack of having a long term relationship is simpily the fact that you don't know how to focus on the good. If you want to have a marriage that lasts more then 6 months in the future you will have to focus on what attracts you to the woman and what you like about the woman.

I could sit all day and stew about all the things about my wife that I don't like. . . Every single thing she does that I find annoying etc. . . and where will that get me? Well that will make me hostile towards my wife, through no fault of her own. . . its just that I decided one day to look at the bad and ignore the good.

And its not just my wife. . . I could become really hositle towards my father, mother, and brother by doing the same thing. . . ignoring the good and just concentrating on everything that I can think of thats bad about them.

Really you could do that with anyone because. . . no one is perfect. You are never going to find that one perfect person that is just completly perfect, all you are going to find is a bunch of fellow sinners.

You do need to of course seriously analyse if you are attracted to a person and if they have a personal habit which would cause a LARGE problem in the future. Obviously you don't want to be marrying an alcoholic or a gambling addict. But minor little inperfections. . . both the physical and in personality you have to learn to ignore or at least not think about often.

Otherwise no one will ever be good enough for you.

 

[Inkachu]

I don't think this is something limited to men at all (in fact, I know it's not). It sounds to me like you were sort of "testing" yourself, to see if you could face her flaws head-on and still like her. I think everyone does that with their S.O. at some point. None of us are physically flawless, so our mates will have to look at our moles and scars and cellulite at some point, and decide if they can overlook it and learn to accept it, or even embrace it, as part of what makes us unique.

From what you've said, you like her and find her attractive despite all that, so I wouldn't over-analyze this too much. If you find yourself so obsessed with a minor physical imperfection that you can't see past it, I think that's indicative of a deeper issue within yourself, and probably has nothing to do with her.

 

[seekinghim09]

Guys, thank you so much again! Sometimes, it just helps to have a forum to share your feelings anonymously and have others believers shoot you straight. It is great to hear others confirm this isn't an indication that I ultimately don't find her as attractive as I should in someone I'm dating/potentially marrying one day.


Over the past few days, I've been making an intentional effort to not even really focus on her appearance at all but just focus on our conversation, or whatever else we are doing when we are together. Really, she has been becoming a little more attractive each day I've been doing this as I get to know her as a person (yeah, go figure! ). Hopefully this trend will keep up! It's been a learning experience, no doubt.....

 

[Jlo]

I know this post is old, but @seekinghim09 - what ended up happening with you and this girl? Just curious if you were able to overcome what you were dealing with. I’m in a very similar boat...

 

[blacksheep78]

I'm in the same boat. I am dating a really nice, highly compatible man who I find attractive in all but one physical aspect - the shape of his head (he is balding quite a bit) No one else thinks it should be an issue, there's just something about me and head shapes/sizes. I soooo want to get past it because I enjoy his company, we have so much in common, and I know we would make a great team. But I'm constantly obsessing over it, trying not to feel bothered, testing whether it's bugging me, looking at him from different angles. I literally plead with God to flip a switch in my brain so I will get over it/ see it differently. So far it hasn't happened, even though there are brief times when I think I'm past it. This guy is 100% in love with me and being extremely patient. I have put him through a lot because of this. I just want it to work. I just want to be free of this hang-up. Any practical ideas? I like what the OP said about consciously refusing to focus on it and I'm going to try that. Only thing is, I am not going to see him for the next two months Which means, I'm left here obsessing instead of working on it.

 

[Kait23]

I know this post is old, but I'm on the same boat and I was shocked when I read @blacksheep78 's post because it describes exactly my current situation with the guy I'm dating... same problem, same aspect I don't find attractive, same thoughts when I'm with him and trying not to focus on it, same prayers to get over the whole thing (I had literally just asked God the "flip a switch in my brain" thing when I decided to google this topic to look for any help and found this thread). Have you found any way to deal with this then? (sorry for any mistake I made while writing but English is not my first language) and thanks in advance...

 

[bèlla]

I know this post is old, but I'm on the same boat and I was shocked when I read

What you’re describing is a condemning spirit. Faultfinding is sinful. If you’ve been treated well by your partner, why are you entertaining negative thoughts? God won’t flip a switch. Rebuke them and affirm his positive traits. Thank the Lord for blessing you with his companionship and pray for him. That should resolve the problem.

Yours in His Service,

~bella