I am faced with one of the most heart-wrenching decisions of my life. Even as I type this I feel the sharp stabs of anxiety with every intake of breath.
I belong to a fellowship of believers that carry fundamental values. We split from a group of believers in the 70's that was very extreme and borderline, cult-like. (I hate using that term to describe Christians as I am appreciative of the entire Christian assembly). They were called the exclusive brethren. We apparently carried over some of the principles in an attempt to return to the truth, but rejected quite a lot of what went wrong with them. Im only 26 and have no intimate knowledge of the split, but i did grow up in my current fellowship with a constant understanding that we had a more "pure" way of exploring scripture, which i find somewhat questionable.
In order to break bread in my fellowship, you must commit yourself to it first. It is seen as a vow and you ultimately fulfil your responsibility to remember the Lord each sunday through that vow. While we have some amazing teaching, and i enjoy the community links we have world-wide (we are only about 400-500 people, its very small) I have been deeply disappointed in relationships. Out of the 4 I've been in (it is strongly discouraged to look outside the fellowship for partners) all of them have presented, in differing instances... inappropriate content habits, cheating tendencies and drinking problems that ultimately caused the relationship to be imbalanced and topple over as I would not tolerate it. After the last one failed (he was 35 and had a sickening inappropriate content obsession) I was deeply depressed and by chance I met someone amazing, who is NOT from my fellowship, rather, a raised catholic who is exploring the protestant church and finding his place in Christianity. We are aligned in our thinking in nearly every instance. He is a man of God and a really amazing human being. I couldn't help but feel that he was an answer to prayer. He was equally struck by me and something very tender began to develop between us that i'd never experienced before.
The trouble is, in order for us to be together... it is BEST that I go to him. That is, i move across the country to pursue a serious relationship with him, with the ultimate intent of marriage and a family. (btw this did not start as an online relationship, we met for the first time in person when he contacted my business account to discuss photography over coffee). He is open to joining my fellowship but the sacrifice on his part would be enormous and he wouldn't be greeted with warmth, but rather, suspicion as his upbringing and pressure to commit and settle into my fellowship. However, on the flip side... me leaving fellowship to attend another church and pursue a relationship with another believer is seen as me breaking a vow and would result in excommunication from my fellowship, and perhaps worst of all my family would cut ties with me. I work for my father which adds another level of stress.
I am enormously frightened. But i know that if i stay in my current fellowship, I will not get married or have children. The community is too small and I'd only marry for convenience and desperation to have children and not for love. My mom even told me that some people "just aren't supposed to get married" and that God may not have someone in mind for me. This led me to feel heavy guilt because I don't know if what I am intending on doing is self serving. Perhaps it is wrong to break my commitment to my church to join another... but it is a heavy burden and I've been searching the scriptures for evidence that this is indeed, a sin.
Thoughts?
I belong to a fellowship of believers that carry fundamental values. We split from a group of believers in the 70's that was very extreme and borderline, cult-like. (I hate using that term to describe Christians as I am appreciative of the entire Christian assembly). They were called the exclusive brethren. We apparently carried over some of the principles in an attempt to return to the truth, but rejected quite a lot of what went wrong with them. Im only 26 and have no intimate knowledge of the split, but i did grow up in my current fellowship with a constant understanding that we had a more "pure" way of exploring scripture, which i find somewhat questionable.
In order to break bread in my fellowship, you must commit yourself to it first. It is seen as a vow and you ultimately fulfil your responsibility to remember the Lord each sunday through that vow. While we have some amazing teaching, and i enjoy the community links we have world-wide (we are only about 400-500 people, its very small) I have been deeply disappointed in relationships. Out of the 4 I've been in (it is strongly discouraged to look outside the fellowship for partners) all of them have presented, in differing instances... inappropriate content habits, cheating tendencies and drinking problems that ultimately caused the relationship to be imbalanced and topple over as I would not tolerate it. After the last one failed (he was 35 and had a sickening inappropriate content obsession) I was deeply depressed and by chance I met someone amazing, who is NOT from my fellowship, rather, a raised catholic who is exploring the protestant church and finding his place in Christianity. We are aligned in our thinking in nearly every instance. He is a man of God and a really amazing human being. I couldn't help but feel that he was an answer to prayer. He was equally struck by me and something very tender began to develop between us that i'd never experienced before.
The trouble is, in order for us to be together... it is BEST that I go to him. That is, i move across the country to pursue a serious relationship with him, with the ultimate intent of marriage and a family. (btw this did not start as an online relationship, we met for the first time in person when he contacted my business account to discuss photography over coffee). He is open to joining my fellowship but the sacrifice on his part would be enormous and he wouldn't be greeted with warmth, but rather, suspicion as his upbringing and pressure to commit and settle into my fellowship. However, on the flip side... me leaving fellowship to attend another church and pursue a relationship with another believer is seen as me breaking a vow and would result in excommunication from my fellowship, and perhaps worst of all my family would cut ties with me. I work for my father which adds another level of stress.
I am enormously frightened. But i know that if i stay in my current fellowship, I will not get married or have children. The community is too small and I'd only marry for convenience and desperation to have children and not for love. My mom even told me that some people "just aren't supposed to get married" and that God may not have someone in mind for me. This led me to feel heavy guilt because I don't know if what I am intending on doing is self serving. Perhaps it is wrong to break my commitment to my church to join another... but it is a heavy burden and I've been searching the scriptures for evidence that this is indeed, a sin.
Thoughts?
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