Am I an actor (with religious OCD)?

Bob8102

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Jesus said (I may be paraphrasing; at least I am going by memory), “Narrow is the way and straight is the gate that leads to life, and few there be that find it.” I first came to know the Gospel of Jesus Christ when I was in sixth grade. I remember sitting on my bed, one time, that school year, and asking Jesus to come into my heart, and visualizing Him doing so. In tenth grade, an acquaintance (now, more like a friend) named Dennis asked me, “If you were to die tonight and God were to ask you, ‘Why should I let you into my heaven?,’ what would you say?” I said to Dennis, “I would say that I tried asking Jesus into my heart in sixth grade. Would that be enough or would I be on shaky ground?” Dennis replied, “You would be on very shaky ground.” There is a sense in which I have considered myself to be on shaky ground, ever since. Sometime after that conversation with Dennis, I simply concluded I was not a Christian. (I think at an earlier point than that, I had asked God in prayer to not let me think I’m going to heaven if I’m really not). I suppose I did not always, after that, consider myself not to be a Christian; I would try to give my life to Christ once in awhile, and would generate an emotional experience along with that. So I was thinking, maybe I am and maybe I am not a Christian. Eventually, I sided with the non-Christian concept fully, and began enjoying my life in my new career and around my non-Christian friends. I also was eventually diagnosed with OCD, which explains, at least in part, why I was such a bad worker and had a rocky career. After my career fell apart and I had no friends, I started going to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. The psychologist was a Christian. He suggested I go to a certain weekly meeting at his church. I started doing so. But it came to seem to me that the psychologist, though a Christian himself, was enticing me with “easy believism” thinking. Easy believism is where you can superficially give your life to Christ, say, by saying a “sinner’s prayer,” and then not worry about your relationship with God or your walk after that, because you are saved. Being as cynical and honest as I am, I have long distrusted easy believism.



Next, my mother died. (My Dad had died years earlier.) Neither of my parents ever exhibited a real belief in the conservative, evangelical Christian Gospel of Jesus Christ. One or both of them may have been saved at the end of their lives; I do not know. I was raised to believe I was a good person. I was raised to believe in God, but also to go ahead and live as I pleased. My parents’ belief in God helped me to believe in God, and to realize the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true, once I heard it and understood it. But, having been raised in the belief that I am good and to believe in God but live as I please, and being the last-born, spoiled child, I turned out to have real problems with both fully understanding about the Christian life, and with being truly willing at heart to follow Jesus. But, after my mother died ten years ago, and realizing the Bible is the Word of God and that its main message is the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and realizing what the Gospel says, I began seeking to be saved, full time. I would give my life to Christ, but then doubt I was sincere and really saved. My OCD has become religious OCD. People with religious OCD keep doubting their salvation. But I suppose not only real Christians can have religious OCD, but non-Christians can also have it. Including non-Christians who take the Gospel of Jesus very seriously. I began posting on the Christian Forums website. My confusion may have reached its zenith when someone on the Forums said that I am not trusting Jesus Christ for my salvation, but am trusting myself. I’ve thought if I sincerely asked Christ to be my Lord and Savior, He would save me. But this poster on the Forums said I was making my sincerity the key to my salvation, but that the key was not me but the Savior. That assertion has caused me doubt and confusion ever since.

I am wondering if, somewhere along the line, I have made a deep, committed, heart-felt decision for myself. My self is to be protected and promoted at all costs. This may include my reaction to the Gospel. What if I am so committed to Self that my givings of my life to Christ are all shams? What if am both directing and acting in a movie that is in my head, in which I supposedly sincerely seek Christ and surrender to Him? What if, in my heart of hearts, I am so committed to Self that my seeking and surrendering to Christ is all a pantomime? What if there are so many layers of fantasy and self-delusion in my psychology that both God and I have a lot of difficulty breaking through them all? What if God cannot get through my layers of fantasy to get to the real me? What if I can’t get through the layers of fantasy to get to the real Christ?

I sometimes think that I have a wavering faith. Having a wavering faith and religious OCD is like being in the perfect storm. But maybe Christ really saves some or all people with a wavering faith: at least, there is some faith there, and Jesus said that if you have faith as small as a grain of mustard seed, you will move mountains.

I’ve looked for advice from experts about people with religious OCD. Mitsy VanCleve wrote a book I read called Strivings Within – The OCD Christion and is subtitled “overcoming doubt in the storm of anxiety.” She suggests ERP therapy: Exposure and Response Prevention. This is where you expose yourself to the “What Ifs” that OCD always throws at you, and don’t fight them, but train yourself to not have an adrenaline response to them, either. She says that John Bunyan, author of Pilgrim’s Progress, had religious OCD. He ended up handling it by deciding that whether he was going to hell or to heaven, he was for going on and living his life for Christ. She essentially recommends that religious OCD sufferers reach that same point. She said that in her case, she would have an attack of the thought that she wasn’t really saved and was going to hell, and then just respond; “Oh, well, I guess there’s nothing that can be done for it. I might as well finish cleaning the house.” I find it hard to take this advice. It seems I cannot reach the point of deciding that come hell or heaven, I’m going to live the Christian life and go on with life.

For the past ten years or more, I have been seeking salvation full time. That has meant that I have not been working. In recent times, I’ve often come to the conclusion that I’m saved, only to have doubt take back over shortly. What if I’m just convincing myself that I am saved on these occasions, but am not really saved?

I have recently tried to commit to productivity, to start to carry out a plan that involves both working on an invention and on a novel. But I find that if I doubt my salvation, I see no point in working on those plans, but instead should full time seek salvation, as I have been doing. But if salvation Is as difficult to find as it has been for me, I can give up on finding it anytime soon. Just today, I started out committed to working on my plans. Then I got to thinking. I thought, maybe I should pray to Jesus that if I am not His, that I find Him eventually, and just go ahead with my “Christian life,” and life. Like John Bunyan. But I find lack of assurance of heaven too distracting to concentrate on anything else. On a number of occasions, I have decided: “This is it. I am not going to do anything (except absolutely necessary things, like go to the bathroom) until I find that I am in the kingdom of heaven.” Having set out with this commitment, I usually reach the point where I’m sure I’m saved. But that assurance simply will not last. Today, I was thinking about the statement of Jesus, “Narrow is the way which leads to life and few there be that find it.” Since I can do nothing else – neither be saved nor stop thinking about salvation – I just decided I would contemplate that statement, and that’s it. I am so far, today, dropping my plans for today and my life, and just thinking about Jesus’ statement: “Narrow is the way that leads to life and few there be that find it.”
 

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I have a son with OCD.

Your best approach is to
  1. treat it medically [psychiatrist, not just a psychologist] &
  2. attend a church that is good with mental illnesses.
The Church & Mental Illness...
 
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Mark Quayle

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Jesus said (I may be paraphrasing; at least I am going by memory), “Narrow is the way and straight is the gate that leads to life, and few there be that find it.” I first came to know the Gospel of Jesus Christ when I was in sixth grade. I remember sitting on my bed, one time, that school year, and asking Jesus to come into my heart, and visualizing Him doing so. In tenth grade, an acquaintance (now, more like a friend) named Dennis asked me, “If you were to die tonight and God were to ask you, ‘Why should I let you into my heaven?,’ what would you say?” I said to Dennis, “I would say that I tried asking Jesus into my heart in sixth grade. Would that be enough or would I be on shaky ground?” Dennis replied, “You would be on very shaky ground.” There is a sense in which I have considered myself to be on shaky ground, ever since. Sometime after that conversation with Dennis, I simply concluded I was not a Christian. (I think at an earlier point than that, I had asked God in prayer to not let me think I’m going to heaven if I’m really not). I suppose I did not always, after that, consider myself not to be a Christian; I would try to give my life to Christ once in awhile, and would generate an emotional experience along with that. So I was thinking, maybe I am and maybe I am not a Christian. Eventually, I sided with the non-Christian concept fully, and began enjoying my life in my new career and around my non-Christian friends. I also was eventually diagnosed with OCD, which explains, at least in part, why I was such a bad worker and had a rocky career. After my career fell apart and I had no friends, I started going to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. The psychologist was a Christian. He suggested I go to a certain weekly meeting at his church. I started doing so. But it came to seem to me that the psychologist, though a Christian himself, was enticing me with “easy believism” thinking. Easy believism is where you can superficially give your life to Christ, say, by saying a “sinner’s prayer,” and then not worry about your relationship with God or your walk after that, because you are saved. Being as cynical and honest as I am, I have long distrusted easy believism.

Not that you don't bring this up, to some degree in your next paragraph —you do. But I think it is worth pointing out that a different perspective is in order.

A change in perspective is a tall order for anyone to accomplish willfully, let alone one with OCD. But I find those with OCD to be very logical people, and this is very logical. The gospel presented by modern (at least, the last 100 years or so) has been of a very man-centered, or man-produced decision. The notion of a decision-based state of being is not entirely biblical.

While true that 'salvation' includes not only a transposition from a sure perdition unto eternal joy in Heaven in the life to come, it also includes a change of heart and actions and security during this life. But it IS by definition a reference to the security of the next life, and in that, as logical people will realize, 'the proof is in the pudding'. That is to say, if you make it, you were saved; if you don't make it, you weren't saved. Simple.

Also logical is the fact that when God created all this, he, as first cause, had something in mind. It makes no sense to say that he is omniscient yet said to himself, "Let's wind this up and see where it goes." He had a plan, and EVERY outcome, EVERY detail, is part of that plan. GOD decided, and that is quite a different thing from any of our decisions.

I am wondering if, somewhere along the line, I have made a deep, committed, heart-felt decision for myself. My self is to be protected and promoted at all costs. This may include my reaction to the Gospel. What if I am so committed to Self that my givings of my life to Christ are all shams? What if am both directing and acting in a movie that is in my head, in which I supposedly sincerely seek Christ and surrender to Him? What if, in my heart of hearts, I am so committed to Self that my seeking and surrendering to Christ is all a pantomime? What if there are so many layers of fantasy and self-delusion in my psychology that both God and I have a lot of difficulty breaking through them all? What if God cannot get through my layers of fantasy to get to the real me? What if I can’t get through the layers of fantasy to get to the real Christ?

To me it is interesting/ curious that in the Bible, God does not seem to hold it against anyone for pursuing that which is better for themselves —i.e., salvation and even a reward in Heaven for a self-less life on earth. Self-preservation seems built-in for all creatures, and 'self-promotion' is not unjust unless it rules out the two great commandments: to love God with one's whole being, and to love one's neighbor as oneself.

Meanwhile, you are right that the "untrustworthiness" of one's decisions is very much related to the notion of fantasy/ self-delusion/ pantomime that you perceive them to be by virtue of their results. In fact, we know that this life itself and its very reality is but a vapor compared to the solid reality of the life to come.

I sometimes think that I have a wavering faith. Having a wavering faith and religious OCD is like being in the perfect storm. But maybe Christ really saves some or all people with a wavering faith: at least, there is some faith there, and Jesus said that if you have faith as small as a grain of mustard seed, you will move mountains.

I expect your constant reference to your OCD is simply intended as a backdrop for the reader to understand your dismay and confusion. But it is honestly not that much different from everyone else. Here is the crux of the matter: God alone is not unwavering, God alone understands what the facts are and what true faith is based on, God alone is up to this task. And so it is that God alone is the provider of that faith. God the Holy Spirit is the source of that faith. It is not even yours to hold onto, in any way that produces the fact of salvation. Your self-promoting grasp onto it may produce feelings of security, but not the result —the 'proof of the pudding'.

I’ve looked for advice from experts about people with religious OCD. Mitsy VanCleve wrote a book I read called Strivings Within – The OCD Christion and is subtitled “overcoming doubt in the storm of anxiety.” She suggests ERP therapy: Exposure and Response Prevention. This is where you expose yourself to the “What Ifs” that OCD always throws at you, and don’t fight them, but train yourself to not have an adrenaline response to them, either. She says that John Bunyan, author of Pilgrim’s Progress, had religious OCD. He ended up handling it by deciding that whether he was going to hell or to heaven, he was for going on and living his life for Christ. She essentially recommends that religious OCD sufferers reach that same point. She said that in her case, she would have an attack of the thought that she wasn’t really saved and was going to hell, and then just respond; “Oh, well, I guess there’s nothing that can be done for it. I might as well finish cleaning the house.” I find it hard to take this advice. It seems I cannot reach the point of deciding that come hell or heaven, I’m going to live the Christian life and go on with life.

Haha! See how much simpler it is when one realizes that the FACT of their salvation rests on God himself, and not on the reliability of one's own decision for Christ? God is the one who decides, and accomplishes, the 'proof of the pudding'. She didn't notice, apparently, that Bunyan's philosophical "Oh well, I may as well continue walking" was as much about his performance and steadfastness of living in obedience and wisdom as it was about his original decision for Christ.

But the point is very good: do or die, our love for Christ (which is also the work of the Holy Spirit, and therefore stronger than we can see), compels us even when we don't realize it is doing so. We believers WANT that lifestyle, that habit, of walking the straight and narrow.

Note here how well what you said about the faith as a mustard seed, works when one realizes that faith is the work of God —not from us, but from the Spirit of God. The amount of the faith does not change the nature of that faith: it is just as real when it is small as when it is big, because it is the product of God himself, and not of us.

For the past ten years or more, I have been seeking salvation full time. That has meant that I have not been working. In recent times, I’ve often come to the conclusion that I’m saved, only to have doubt take back over shortly. What if I’m just convincing myself that I am saved on these occasions, but am not really saved?

I have recently tried to commit to productivity, to start to carry out a plan that involves both working on an invention and on a novel. But I find that if I doubt my salvation, I see no point in working on those plans, but instead should full time seek salvation, as I have been doing. But if salvation Is as difficult to find as it has been for me, I can give up on finding it anytime soon. Just today, I started out committed to working on my plans. Then I got to thinking. I thought, maybe I should pray to Jesus that if I am not His, that I find Him eventually, and just go ahead with my “Christian life,” and life. Like John Bunyan. But I find lack of assurance of heaven too distracting to concentrate on anything else. On a number of occasions, I have decided: “This is it. I am not going to do anything (except absolutely necessary things, like go to the bathroom) until I find that I am in the kingdom of heaven.” Having set out with this commitment, I usually reach the point where I’m sure I’m saved. But that assurance simply will not last. Today, I was thinking about the statement of Jesus, “Narrow is the way which leads to life and few there be that find it.” Since I can do nothing else – neither be saved nor stop thinking about salvation – I just decided I would contemplate that statement, and that’s it. I am so far, today, dropping my plans for today and my life, and just thinking about Jesus’ statement: “Narrow is the way that leads to life and few there be that find it.”

My recommendation would be to continue to concentrate on Christ himself and on knowing him, rather than to concentrate on your assurance. Or maybe, better, you should thank God for being reliable and doing as he plans, rather than wasting your time and energy on your means of accomplishing this security. The security is in this: what God has decided is good and beautiful and even ultimately for his own sake more than for ours (though he does bring us along for his own sake). God, and therefore what God has decided, alone is beautiful and praiseworthy, and altogether worth our attention.

I suspect you already know the joy of having relief from feelings of guilt, even if it is temporary relief; I can't begin to tell you the joy and relief, from realizing this is all in God's capable hands. THIS is the love of God that compels us.
 
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Jesus said (I may be paraphrasing; at least I am going by memory), “Narrow is the way and straight is the gate that leads to life, and few there be that find it.” I first came to know the Gospel of Jesus Christ when I was in sixth grade. I remember sitting on my bed, one time, that school year, and asking Jesus to come into my heart, and visualizing Him doing so. In tenth grade, an acquaintance (now, more like a friend) named Dennis asked me, “If you were to die tonight and God were to ask you, ‘Why should I let you into my heaven?,’ what would you say?” I said to Dennis, “I would say that I tried asking Jesus into my heart in sixth grade. Would that be enough or would I be on shaky ground?” Dennis replied, “You would be on very shaky ground.” There is a sense in which I have considered myself to be on shaky ground, ever since. Sometime after that conversation with Dennis, I simply concluded I was not a Christian. (I think at an earlier point than that, I had asked God in prayer to not let me think I’m going to heaven if I’m really not). I suppose I did not always, after that, consider myself not to be a Christian; I would try to give my life to Christ once in awhile, and would generate an emotional experience along with that. So I was thinking, maybe I am and maybe I am not a Christian. Eventually, I sided with the non-Christian concept fully, and began enjoying my life in my new career and around my non-Christian friends. I also was eventually diagnosed with OCD, which explains, at least in part, why I was such a bad worker and had a rocky career. After my career fell apart and I had no friends, I started going to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. The psychologist was a Christian. He suggested I go to a certain weekly meeting at his church. I started doing so. But it came to seem to me that the psychologist, though a Christian himself, was enticing me with “easy believism” thinking. Easy believism is where you can superficially give your life to Christ, say, by saying a “sinner’s prayer,” and then not worry about your relationship with God or your walk after that, because you are saved. Being as cynical and honest as I am, I have long distrusted easy believism.



Next, my mother died. (My Dad had died years earlier.) Neither of my parents ever exhibited a real belief in the conservative, evangelical Christian Gospel of Jesus Christ. One or both of them may have been saved at the end of their lives; I do not know. I was raised to believe I was a good person. I was raised to believe in God, but also to go ahead and live as I pleased. My parents’ belief in God helped me to believe in God, and to realize the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true, once I heard it and understood it. But, having been raised in the belief that I am good and to believe in God but live as I please, and being the last-born, spoiled child, I turned out to have real problems with both fully understanding about the Christian life, and with being truly willing at heart to follow Jesus. But, after my mother died ten years ago, and realizing the Bible is the Word of God and that its main message is the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and realizing what the Gospel says, I began seeking to be saved, full time. I would give my life to Christ, but then doubt I was sincere and really saved. My OCD has become religious OCD. People with religious OCD keep doubting their salvation. But I suppose not only real Christians can have religious OCD, but non-Christians can also have it. Including non-Christians who take the Gospel of Jesus very seriously. I began posting on the Christian Forums website. My confusion may have reached its zenith when someone on the Forums said that I am not trusting Jesus Christ for my salvation, but am trusting myself. I’ve thought if I sincerely asked Christ to be my Lord and Savior, He would save me. But this poster on the Forums said I was making my sincerity the key to my salvation, but that the key was not me but the Savior. That assertion has caused me doubt and confusion ever since.

I am wondering if, somewhere along the line, I have made a deep, committed, heart-felt decision for myself. My self is to be protected and promoted at all costs. This may include my reaction to the Gospel. What if I am so committed to Self that my givings of my life to Christ are all shams? What if am both directing and acting in a movie that is in my head, in which I supposedly sincerely seek Christ and surrender to Him? What if, in my heart of hearts, I am so committed to Self that my seeking and surrendering to Christ is all a pantomime? What if there are so many layers of fantasy and self-delusion in my psychology that both God and I have a lot of difficulty breaking through them all? What if God cannot get through my layers of fantasy to get to the real me? What if I can’t get through the layers of fantasy to get to the real Christ?

I sometimes think that I have a wavering faith. Having a wavering faith and religious OCD is like being in the perfect storm. But maybe Christ really saves some or all people with a wavering faith: at least, there is some faith there, and Jesus said that if you have faith as small as a grain of mustard seed, you will move mountains.

I’ve looked for advice from experts about people with religious OCD. Mitsy VanCleve wrote a book I read called Strivings Within – The OCD Christion and is subtitled “overcoming doubt in the storm of anxiety.” She suggests ERP therapy: Exposure and Response Prevention. This is where you expose yourself to the “What Ifs” that OCD always throws at you, and don’t fight them, but train yourself to not have an adrenaline response to them, either. She says that John Bunyan, author of Pilgrim’s Progress, had religious OCD. He ended up handling it by deciding that whether he was going to hell or to heaven, he was for going on and living his life for Christ. She essentially recommends that religious OCD sufferers reach that same point. She said that in her case, she would have an attack of the thought that she wasn’t really saved and was going to hell, and then just respond; “Oh, well, I guess there’s nothing that can be done for it. I might as well finish cleaning the house.” I find it hard to take this advice. It seems I cannot reach the point of deciding that come hell or heaven, I’m going to live the Christian life and go on with life.

For the past ten years or more, I have been seeking salvation full time. That has meant that I have not been working. In recent times, I’ve often come to the conclusion that I’m saved, only to have doubt take back over shortly. What if I’m just convincing myself that I am saved on these occasions, but am not really saved?

I have recently tried to commit to productivity, to start to carry out a plan that involves both working on an invention and on a novel. But I find that if I doubt my salvation, I see no point in working on those plans, but instead should full time seek salvation, as I have been doing. But if salvation Is as difficult to find as it has been for me, I can give up on finding it anytime soon. Just today, I started out committed to working on my plans. Then I got to thinking. I thought, maybe I should pray to Jesus that if I am not His, that I find Him eventually, and just go ahead with my “Christian life,” and life. Like John Bunyan. But I find lack of assurance of heaven too distracting to concentrate on anything else. On a number of occasions, I have decided: “This is it. I am not going to do anything (except absolutely necessary things, like go to the bathroom) until I find that I am in the kingdom of heaven.” Having set out with this commitment, I usually reach the point where I’m sure I’m saved. But that assurance simply will not last. Today, I was thinking about the statement of Jesus, “Narrow is the way which leads to life and few there be that find it.” Since I can do nothing else – neither be saved nor stop thinking about salvation – I just decided I would contemplate that statement, and that’s it. I am so far, today, dropping my plans for today and my life, and just thinking about Jesus’ statement: “Narrow is the way that leads to life and few there be that find it.”
You need to know that salvation does not depend on what you do or do not do. All God requires of you is to believe and receive. Believe Christ, who He is and what He has done for. Accept Him as saviour and Lord. This you have done. So where is the room for doubt? Suppose you were given a job. Would you go to work wondering if they really meant to employ you? You have a contract. Would you ask the person who signed it if they really meant to pay you so much a year? Would you query the hours and terms and conditions? Or would you be glad that you are working and have the means to pay your bills?

How much more upright and honest is our God. His "terms and conditions" are very simple. Consider yourself "under new management". You are part of a new family. God adopted you. That means He chose you. Out of billions of people. Rejoice and be glad, doubt your doubts and just show up each day for instructions. "Lord, what would you have me to do today? Lead me in the way that I should go". Then quit worrying. Start trusting. Lord Jesus saved a possessed lunatic. He saved me. He can save anyone.

You need to know the Bible as it is God's contract with you. Fundamentally it is "I will be your God and you will be my son". It's more about relationship than activity. God can lead you into the works that He wants you to be. But He wants sons, not hired hands. Relationships develop with time. There will be no progress if you do not study God's word and talk to Him about all that concerns you.
 
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Mark Quayle

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Jesus said (I may be paraphrasing; at least I am going by memory), “Narrow is the way and straight is the gate that leads to life, and few there be that find it.” I first came to know the Gospel of Jesus Christ when I was in sixth grade. I remember sitting on my bed, one time, that school year, and asking Jesus to come into my heart, and visualizing Him doing so. In tenth grade, an acquaintance (now, more like a friend) named Dennis asked me, “If you were to die tonight and God were to ask you, ‘Why should I let you into my heaven?,’ what would you say?” I said to Dennis, “I would say that I tried asking Jesus into my heart in sixth grade. Would that be enough or would I be on shaky ground?” Dennis replied, “You would be on very shaky ground.” There is a sense in which I have considered myself to be on shaky ground, ever since. Sometime after that conversation with Dennis, I simply concluded I was not a Christian. (I think at an earlier point than that, I had asked God in prayer to not let me think I’m going to heaven if I’m really not). I suppose I did not always, after that, consider myself not to be a Christian; I would try to give my life to Christ once in awhile, and would generate an emotional experience along with that. So I was thinking, maybe I am and maybe I am not a Christian. Eventually, I sided with the non-Christian concept fully, and began enjoying my life in my new career and around my non-Christian friends. I also was eventually diagnosed with OCD, which explains, at least in part, why I was such a bad worker and had a rocky career. After my career fell apart and I had no friends, I started going to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. The psychologist was a Christian. He suggested I go to a certain weekly meeting at his church. I started doing so. But it came to seem to me that the psychologist, though a Christian himself, was enticing me with “easy believism” thinking. Easy believism is where you can superficially give your life to Christ, say, by saying a “sinner’s prayer,” and then not worry about your relationship with God or your walk after that, because you are saved. Being as cynical and honest as I am, I have long distrusted easy believism.



Next, my mother died. (My Dad had died years earlier.) Neither of my parents ever exhibited a real belief in the conservative, evangelical Christian Gospel of Jesus Christ. One or both of them may have been saved at the end of their lives; I do not know. I was raised to believe I was a good person. I was raised to believe in God, but also to go ahead and live as I pleased. My parents’ belief in God helped me to believe in God, and to realize the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true, once I heard it and understood it. But, having been raised in the belief that I am good and to believe in God but live as I please, and being the last-born, spoiled child, I turned out to have real problems with both fully understanding about the Christian life, and with being truly willing at heart to follow Jesus. But, after my mother died ten years ago, and realizing the Bible is the Word of God and that its main message is the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and realizing what the Gospel says, I began seeking to be saved, full time. I would give my life to Christ, but then doubt I was sincere and really saved. My OCD has become religious OCD. People with religious OCD keep doubting their salvation. But I suppose not only real Christians can have religious OCD, but non-Christians can also have it. Including non-Christians who take the Gospel of Jesus very seriously. I began posting on the Christian Forums website. My confusion may have reached its zenith when someone on the Forums said that I am not trusting Jesus Christ for my salvation, but am trusting myself. I’ve thought if I sincerely asked Christ to be my Lord and Savior, He would save me. But this poster on the Forums said I was making my sincerity the key to my salvation, but that the key was not me but the Savior. That assertion has caused me doubt and confusion ever since.

I am wondering if, somewhere along the line, I have made a deep, committed, heart-felt decision for myself. My self is to be protected and promoted at all costs. This may include my reaction to the Gospel. What if I am so committed to Self that my givings of my life to Christ are all shams? What if am both directing and acting in a movie that is in my head, in which I supposedly sincerely seek Christ and surrender to Him? What if, in my heart of hearts, I am so committed to Self that my seeking and surrendering to Christ is all a pantomime? What if there are so many layers of fantasy and self-delusion in my psychology that both God and I have a lot of difficulty breaking through them all? What if God cannot get through my layers of fantasy to get to the real me? What if I can’t get through the layers of fantasy to get to the real Christ?

I sometimes think that I have a wavering faith. Having a wavering faith and religious OCD is like being in the perfect storm. But maybe Christ really saves some or all people with a wavering faith: at least, there is some faith there, and Jesus said that if you have faith as small as a grain of mustard seed, you will move mountains.

I’ve looked for advice from experts about people with religious OCD. Mitsy VanCleve wrote a book I read called Strivings Within – The OCD Christion and is subtitled “overcoming doubt in the storm of anxiety.” She suggests ERP therapy: Exposure and Response Prevention. This is where you expose yourself to the “What Ifs” that OCD always throws at you, and don’t fight them, but train yourself to not have an adrenaline response to them, either. She says that John Bunyan, author of Pilgrim’s Progress, had religious OCD. He ended up handling it by deciding that whether he was going to hell or to heaven, he was for going on and living his life for Christ. She essentially recommends that religious OCD sufferers reach that same point. She said that in her case, she would have an attack of the thought that she wasn’t really saved and was going to hell, and then just respond; “Oh, well, I guess there’s nothing that can be done for it. I might as well finish cleaning the house.” I find it hard to take this advice. It seems I cannot reach the point of deciding that come hell or heaven, I’m going to live the Christian life and go on with life.

For the past ten years or more, I have been seeking salvation full time. That has meant that I have not been working. In recent times, I’ve often come to the conclusion that I’m saved, only to have doubt take back over shortly. What if I’m just convincing myself that I am saved on these occasions, but am not really saved?

I have recently tried to commit to productivity, to start to carry out a plan that involves both working on an invention and on a novel. But I find that if I doubt my salvation, I see no point in working on those plans, but instead should full time seek salvation, as I have been doing. But if salvation Is as difficult to find as it has been for me, I can give up on finding it anytime soon. Just today, I started out committed to working on my plans. Then I got to thinking. I thought, maybe I should pray to Jesus that if I am not His, that I find Him eventually, and just go ahead with my “Christian life,” and life. Like John Bunyan. But I find lack of assurance of heaven too distracting to concentrate on anything else. On a number of occasions, I have decided: “This is it. I am not going to do anything (except absolutely necessary things, like go to the bathroom) until I find that I am in the kingdom of heaven.” Having set out with this commitment, I usually reach the point where I’m sure I’m saved. But that assurance simply will not last. Today, I was thinking about the statement of Jesus, “Narrow is the way which leads to life and few there be that find it.” Since I can do nothing else – neither be saved nor stop thinking about salvation – I just decided I would contemplate that statement, and that’s it. I am so far, today, dropping my plans for today and my life, and just thinking about Jesus’ statement: “Narrow is the way that leads to life and few there be that find it.”
OCD or not, in the end of thinking on the matter, what God has done, and what God does, is our assurance. It is not in what we do.
 
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Mark Quayle

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Jesus said (I may be paraphrasing; at least I am going by memory), “Narrow is the way and straight is the gate that leads to life, and few there be that find it.” I first came to know the Gospel of Jesus Christ when I was in sixth grade. I remember sitting on my bed, one time, that school year, and asking Jesus to come into my heart, and visualizing Him doing so. In tenth grade, an acquaintance (now, more like a friend) named Dennis asked me, “If you were to die tonight and God were to ask you, ‘Why should I let you into my heaven?,’ what would you say?” I said to Dennis, “I would say that I tried asking Jesus into my heart in sixth grade. Would that be enough or would I be on shaky ground?” Dennis replied, “You would be on very shaky ground.” There is a sense in which I have considered myself to be on shaky ground, ever since. Sometime after that conversation with Dennis, I simply concluded I was not a Christian. (I think at an earlier point than that, I had asked God in prayer to not let me think I’m going to heaven if I’m really not). I suppose I did not always, after that, consider myself not to be a Christian; I would try to give my life to Christ once in awhile, and would generate an emotional experience along with that. So I was thinking, maybe I am and maybe I am not a Christian. Eventually, I sided with the non-Christian concept fully, and began enjoying my life in my new career and around my non-Christian friends. I also was eventually diagnosed with OCD, which explains, at least in part, why I was such a bad worker and had a rocky career. After my career fell apart and I had no friends, I started going to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. The psychologist was a Christian. He suggested I go to a certain weekly meeting at his church. I started doing so. But it came to seem to me that the psychologist, though a Christian himself, was enticing me with “easy believism” thinking. Easy believism is where you can superficially give your life to Christ, say, by saying a “sinner’s prayer,” and then not worry about your relationship with God or your walk after that, because you are saved. Being as cynical and honest as I am, I have long distrusted easy believism.



Next, my mother died. (My Dad had died years earlier.) Neither of my parents ever exhibited a real belief in the conservative, evangelical Christian Gospel of Jesus Christ. One or both of them may have been saved at the end of their lives; I do not know. I was raised to believe I was a good person. I was raised to believe in God, but also to go ahead and live as I pleased. My parents’ belief in God helped me to believe in God, and to realize the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true, once I heard it and understood it. But, having been raised in the belief that I am good and to believe in God but live as I please, and being the last-born, spoiled child, I turned out to have real problems with both fully understanding about the Christian life, and with being truly willing at heart to follow Jesus. But, after my mother died ten years ago, and realizing the Bible is the Word of God and that its main message is the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and realizing what the Gospel says, I began seeking to be saved, full time. I would give my life to Christ, but then doubt I was sincere and really saved. My OCD has become religious OCD. People with religious OCD keep doubting their salvation. But I suppose not only real Christians can have religious OCD, but non-Christians can also have it. Including non-Christians who take the Gospel of Jesus very seriously. I began posting on the Christian Forums website. My confusion may have reached its zenith when someone on the Forums said that I am not trusting Jesus Christ for my salvation, but am trusting myself. I’ve thought if I sincerely asked Christ to be my Lord and Savior, He would save me. But this poster on the Forums said I was making my sincerity the key to my salvation, but that the key was not me but the Savior. That assertion has caused me doubt and confusion ever since.

I am wondering if, somewhere along the line, I have made a deep, committed, heart-felt decision for myself. My self is to be protected and promoted at all costs. This may include my reaction to the Gospel. What if I am so committed to Self that my givings of my life to Christ are all shams? What if am both directing and acting in a movie that is in my head, in which I supposedly sincerely seek Christ and surrender to Him? What if, in my heart of hearts, I am so committed to Self that my seeking and surrendering to Christ is all a pantomime? What if there are so many layers of fantasy and self-delusion in my psychology that both God and I have a lot of difficulty breaking through them all? What if God cannot get through my layers of fantasy to get to the real me? What if I can’t get through the layers of fantasy to get to the real Christ?

I sometimes think that I have a wavering faith. Having a wavering faith and religious OCD is like being in the perfect storm. But maybe Christ really saves some or all people with a wavering faith: at least, there is some faith there, and Jesus said that if you have faith as small as a grain of mustard seed, you will move mountains.

I’ve looked for advice from experts about people with religious OCD. Mitsy VanCleve wrote a book I read called Strivings Within – The OCD Christion and is subtitled “overcoming doubt in the storm of anxiety.” She suggests ERP therapy: Exposure and Response Prevention. This is where you expose yourself to the “What Ifs” that OCD always throws at you, and don’t fight them, but train yourself to not have an adrenaline response to them, either. She says that John Bunyan, author of Pilgrim’s Progress, had religious OCD. He ended up handling it by deciding that whether he was going to hell or to heaven, he was for going on and living his life for Christ. She essentially recommends that religious OCD sufferers reach that same point. She said that in her case, she would have an attack of the thought that she wasn’t really saved and was going to hell, and then just respond; “Oh, well, I guess there’s nothing that can be done for it. I might as well finish cleaning the house.” I find it hard to take this advice. It seems I cannot reach the point of deciding that come hell or heaven, I’m going to live the Christian life and go on with life.

For the past ten years or more, I have been seeking salvation full time. That has meant that I have not been working. In recent times, I’ve often come to the conclusion that I’m saved, only to have doubt take back over shortly. What if I’m just convincing myself that I am saved on these occasions, but am not really saved?

I have recently tried to commit to productivity, to start to carry out a plan that involves both working on an invention and on a novel. But I find that if I doubt my salvation, I see no point in working on those plans, but instead should full time seek salvation, as I have been doing. But if salvation Is as difficult to find as it has been for me, I can give up on finding it anytime soon. Just today, I started out committed to working on my plans. Then I got to thinking. I thought, maybe I should pray to Jesus that if I am not His, that I find Him eventually, and just go ahead with my “Christian life,” and life. Like John Bunyan. But I find lack of assurance of heaven too distracting to concentrate on anything else. On a number of occasions, I have decided: “This is it. I am not going to do anything (except absolutely necessary things, like go to the bathroom) until I find that I am in the kingdom of heaven.” Having set out with this commitment, I usually reach the point where I’m sure I’m saved. But that assurance simply will not last. Today, I was thinking about the statement of Jesus, “Narrow is the way which leads to life and few there be that find it.” Since I can do nothing else – neither be saved nor stop thinking about salvation – I just decided I would contemplate that statement, and that’s it. I am so far, today, dropping my plans for today and my life, and just thinking about Jesus’ statement: “Narrow is the way that leads to life and few there be that find it.”
It seems incumbent on me to add one more thing: The best way to accomplish this necessary change of habitual thinking is to spend all the time one can in reading the Word, to soak in it, and in prayer.
 
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dqhall

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Jesus said (I may be paraphrasing; at least I am going by memory), “Narrow is the way and straight is the gate that leads to life, and few there be that find it.” I first came to know the Gospel of Jesus Christ when I was in sixth grade. I remember sitting on my bed, one time, that school year, and asking Jesus to come into my heart, and visualizing Him doing so. In tenth grade, an acquaintance (now, more like a friend) named Dennis asked me, “If you were to die tonight and God were to ask you, ‘Why should I let you into my heaven?,’ what would you say?” I said to Dennis, “I would say that I tried asking Jesus into my heart in sixth grade. Would that be enough or would I be on shaky ground?” Dennis replied, “You would be on very shaky ground.” There is a sense in which I have considered myself to be on shaky ground, ever since. Sometime after that conversation with Dennis, I simply concluded I was not a Christian. (I think at an earlier point than that, I had asked God in prayer to not let me think I’m going to heaven if I’m really not). I suppose I did not always, after that, consider myself not to be a Christian; I would try to give my life to Christ once in awhile, and would generate an emotional experience along with that. So I was thinking, maybe I am and maybe I am not a Christian. Eventually, I sided with the non-Christian concept fully, and began enjoying my life in my new career and around my non-Christian friends. I also was eventually diagnosed with OCD, which explains, at least in part, why I was such a bad worker and had a rocky career. After my career fell apart and I had no friends, I started going to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. The psychologist was a Christian. He suggested I go to a certain weekly meeting at his church. I started doing so. But it came to seem to me that the psychologist, though a Christian himself, was enticing me with “easy believism” thinking. Easy believism is where you can superficially give your life to Christ, say, by saying a “sinner’s prayer,” and then not worry about your relationship with God or your walk after that, because you are saved. Being as cynical and honest as I am, I have long distrusted easy believism.



Next, my mother died. (My Dad had died years earlier.) Neither of my parents ever exhibited a real belief in the conservative, evangelical Christian Gospel of Jesus Christ. One or both of them may have been saved at the end of their lives; I do not know. I was raised to believe I was a good person. I was raised to believe in God, but also to go ahead and live as I pleased. My parents’ belief in God helped me to believe in God, and to realize the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true, once I heard it and understood it. But, having been raised in the belief that I am good and to believe in God but live as I please, and being the last-born, spoiled child, I turned out to have real problems with both fully understanding about the Christian life, and with being truly willing at heart to follow Jesus. But, after my mother died ten years ago, and realizing the Bible is the Word of God and that its main message is the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and realizing what the Gospel says, I began seeking to be saved, full time. I would give my life to Christ, but then doubt I was sincere and really saved. My OCD has become religious OCD. People with religious OCD keep doubting their salvation. But I suppose not only real Christians can have religious OCD, but non-Christians can also have it. Including non-Christians who take the Gospel of Jesus very seriously. I began posting on the Christian Forums website. My confusion may have reached its zenith when someone on the Forums said that I am not trusting Jesus Christ for my salvation, but am trusting myself. I’ve thought if I sincerely asked Christ to be my Lord and Savior, He would save me. But this poster on the Forums said I was making my sincerity the key to my salvation, but that the key was not me but the Savior. That assertion has caused me doubt and confusion ever since.

I am wondering if, somewhere along the line, I have made a deep, committed, heart-felt decision for myself. My self is to be protected and promoted at all costs. This may include my reaction to the Gospel. What if I am so committed to Self that my givings of my life to Christ are all shams? What if am both directing and acting in a movie that is in my head, in which I supposedly sincerely seek Christ and surrender to Him? What if, in my heart of hearts, I am so committed to Self that my seeking and surrendering to Christ is all a pantomime? What if there are so many layers of fantasy and self-delusion in my psychology that both God and I have a lot of difficulty breaking through them all? What if God cannot get through my layers of fantasy to get to the real me? What if I can’t get through the layers of fantasy to get to the real Christ?

I sometimes think that I have a wavering faith. Having a wavering faith and religious OCD is like being in the perfect storm. But maybe Christ really saves some or all people with a wavering faith: at least, there is some faith there, and Jesus said that if you have faith as small as a grain of mustard seed, you will move mountains.

I’ve looked for advice from experts about people with religious OCD. Mitsy VanCleve wrote a book I read called Strivings Within – The OCD Christion and is subtitled “overcoming doubt in the storm of anxiety.” She suggests ERP therapy: Exposure and Response Prevention. This is where you expose yourself to the “What Ifs” that OCD always throws at you, and don’t fight them, but train yourself to not have an adrenaline response to them, either. She says that John Bunyan, author of Pilgrim’s Progress, had religious OCD. He ended up handling it by deciding that whether he was going to hell or to heaven, he was for going on and living his life for Christ. She essentially recommends that religious OCD sufferers reach that same point. She said that in her case, she would have an attack of the thought that she wasn’t really saved and was going to hell, and then just respond; “Oh, well, I guess there’s nothing that can be done for it. I might as well finish cleaning the house.” I find it hard to take this advice. It seems I cannot reach the point of deciding that come hell or heaven, I’m going to live the Christian life and go on with life.

For the past ten years or more, I have been seeking salvation full time. That has meant that I have not been working. In recent times, I’ve often come to the conclusion that I’m saved, only to have doubt take back over shortly. What if I’m just convincing myself that I am saved on these occasions, but am not really saved?

I have recently tried to commit to productivity, to start to carry out a plan that involves both working on an invention and on a novel. But I find that if I doubt my salvation, I see no point in working on those plans, but instead should full time seek salvation, as I have been doing. But if salvation Is as difficult to find as it has been for me, I can give up on finding it anytime soon. Just today, I started out committed to working on my plans. Then I got to thinking. I thought, maybe I should pray to Jesus that if I am not His, that I find Him eventually, and just go ahead with my “Christian life,” and life. Like John Bunyan. But I find lack of assurance of heaven too distracting to concentrate on anything else. On a number of occasions, I have decided: “This is it. I am not going to do anything (except absolutely necessary things, like go to the bathroom) until I find that I am in the kingdom of heaven.” Having set out with this commitment, I usually reach the point where I’m sure I’m saved. But that assurance simply will not last. Today, I was thinking about the statement of Jesus, “Narrow is the way which leads to life and few there be that find it.” Since I can do nothing else – neither be saved nor stop thinking about salvation – I just decided I would contemplate that statement, and that’s it. I am so far, today, dropping my plans for today and my life, and just thinking about Jesus’ statement: “Narrow is the way that leads to life and few there be that find it.”
I suspected works of fiction are false. Some may be based on true stories, yet the name fiction means it might be fantasy instead of wisdom. Non-fiction study might be better. I learned simple web design, some building repairs, nutrition studies, had university geology and chemistry courses, read the Bible and current events. I got a two year degree in business admin. I use this in my investing to reject obvious scams. I took courses in computer systems and worked in computer applications until the dotcom bust. I used to go to the libraries in the DC area to study Biblical archaeology. I joined the Biblical Archaeology Society of Northern Virginia. It was started by Ed Gitow. He retired and moved from New York to the suburbs of DC. He got the subscriber list of Hershel Shank’s magazine, “Biblical Archaeology Review.” A group of us were invited to a lunch at a restaurant in Alexandria, VA in 1997 where the lecture society was begun. We had one lecture/lunch a month. Professors and informed people lectured. Once Hershel Shanks lectured about the Dead Sea Scrolls. I helped Ed with his computer as he transitioned from typing the monthly newsletters with a manual typewriter to using a computer and printer. I went to Israel several times. Moved on to other things. I am of the opinion the Bible is part fact part fiction. Blessed are those who can find the truth therein.
 
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ISteveB

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Jesus said (I may be paraphrasing; at least I am going by memory), “Narrow is the way and straight is the gate that leads to life, and few there be that find it.” I first came to know the Gospel of Jesus Christ when I was in sixth grade. I remember sitting on my bed, one time, that school year, and asking Jesus to come into my heart, and visualizing Him doing so. In tenth grade, an acquaintance (now, more like a friend) named Dennis asked me, “If you were to die tonight and God were to ask you, ‘Why should I let you into my heaven?,’ what would you say?” I said to Dennis, “I would say that I tried asking Jesus into my heart in sixth grade. Would that be enough or would I be on shaky ground?” Dennis replied, “You would be on very shaky ground.” There is a sense in which I have considered myself to be on shaky ground, ever since. Sometime after that conversation with Dennis, I simply concluded I was not a Christian. (I think at an earlier point than that, I had asked God in prayer to not let me think I’m going to heaven if I’m really not). I suppose I did not always, after that, consider myself not to be a Christian; I would try to give my life to Christ once in awhile, and would generate an emotional experience along with that. So I was thinking, maybe I am and maybe I am not a Christian. Eventually, I sided with the non-Christian concept fully, and began enjoying my life in my new career and around my non-Christian friends. I also was eventually diagnosed with OCD, which explains, at least in part, why I was such a bad worker and had a rocky career. After my career fell apart and I had no friends, I started going to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. The psychologist was a Christian. He suggested I go to a certain weekly meeting at his church. I started doing so. But it came to seem to me that the psychologist, though a Christian himself, was enticing me with “easy believism” thinking. Easy believism is where you can superficially give your life to Christ, say, by saying a “sinner’s prayer,” and then not worry about your relationship with God or your walk after that, because you are saved. Being as cynical and honest as I am, I have long distrusted easy believism.



Next, my mother died. (My Dad had died years earlier.) Neither of my parents ever exhibited a real belief in the conservative, evangelical Christian Gospel of Jesus Christ. One or both of them may have been saved at the end of their lives; I do not know. I was raised to believe I was a good person. I was raised to believe in God, but also to go ahead and live as I pleased. My parents’ belief in God helped me to believe in God, and to realize the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true, once I heard it and understood it. But, having been raised in the belief that I am good and to believe in God but live as I please, and being the last-born, spoiled child, I turned out to have real problems with both fully understanding about the Christian life, and with being truly willing at heart to follow Jesus. But, after my mother died ten years ago, and realizing the Bible is the Word of God and that its main message is the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and realizing what the Gospel says, I began seeking to be saved, full time. I would give my life to Christ, but then doubt I was sincere and really saved. My OCD has become religious OCD. People with religious OCD keep doubting their salvation. But I suppose not only real Christians can have religious OCD, but non-Christians can also have it. Including non-Christians who take the Gospel of Jesus very seriously. I began posting on the Christian Forums website. My confusion may have reached its zenith when someone on the Forums said that I am not trusting Jesus Christ for my salvation, but am trusting myself. I’ve thought if I sincerely asked Christ to be my Lord and Savior, He would save me. But this poster on the Forums said I was making my sincerity the key to my salvation, but that the key was not me but the Savior. That assertion has caused me doubt and confusion ever since.

I am wondering if, somewhere along the line, I have made a deep, committed, heart-felt decision for myself. My self is to be protected and promoted at all costs. This may include my reaction to the Gospel. What if I am so committed to Self that my givings of my life to Christ are all shams? What if am both directing and acting in a movie that is in my head, in which I supposedly sincerely seek Christ and surrender to Him? What if, in my heart of hearts, I am so committed to Self that my seeking and surrendering to Christ is all a pantomime? What if there are so many layers of fantasy and self-delusion in my psychology that both God and I have a lot of difficulty breaking through them all? What if God cannot get through my layers of fantasy to get to the real me? What if I can’t get through the layers of fantasy to get to the real Christ?

I sometimes think that I have a wavering faith. Having a wavering faith and religious OCD is like being in the perfect storm. But maybe Christ really saves some or all people with a wavering faith: at least, there is some faith there, and Jesus said that if you have faith as small as a grain of mustard seed, you will move mountains.

I’ve looked for advice from experts about people with religious OCD. Mitsy VanCleve wrote a book I read called Strivings Within – The OCD Christion and is subtitled “overcoming doubt in the storm of anxiety.” She suggests ERP therapy: Exposure and Response Prevention. This is where you expose yourself to the “What Ifs” that OCD always throws at you, and don’t fight them, but train yourself to not have an adrenaline response to them, either. She says that John Bunyan, author of Pilgrim’s Progress, had religious OCD. He ended up handling it by deciding that whether he was going to hell or to heaven, he was for going on and living his life for Christ. She essentially recommends that religious OCD sufferers reach that same point. She said that in her case, she would have an attack of the thought that she wasn’t really saved and was going to hell, and then just respond; “Oh, well, I guess there’s nothing that can be done for it. I might as well finish cleaning the house.” I find it hard to take this advice. It seems I cannot reach the point of deciding that come hell or heaven, I’m going to live the Christian life and go on with life.

For the past ten years or more, I have been seeking salvation full time. That has meant that I have not been working. In recent times, I’ve often come to the conclusion that I’m saved, only to have doubt take back over shortly. What if I’m just convincing myself that I am saved on these occasions, but am not really saved?

I have recently tried to commit to productivity, to start to carry out a plan that involves both working on an invention and on a novel. But I find that if I doubt my salvation, I see no point in working on those plans, but instead should full time seek salvation, as I have been doing. But if salvation Is as difficult to find as it has been for me, I can give up on finding it anytime soon. Just today, I started out committed to working on my plans. Then I got to thinking. I thought, maybe I should pray to Jesus that if I am not His, that I find Him eventually, and just go ahead with my “Christian life,” and life. Like John Bunyan. But I find lack of assurance of heaven too distracting to concentrate on anything else. On a number of occasions, I have decided: “This is it. I am not going to do anything (except absolutely necessary things, like go to the bathroom) until I find that I am in the kingdom of heaven.” Having set out with this commitment, I usually reach the point where I’m sure I’m saved. But that assurance simply will not last. Today, I was thinking about the statement of Jesus, “Narrow is the way which leads to life and few there be that find it.” Since I can do nothing else – neither be saved nor stop thinking about salvation – I just decided I would contemplate that statement, and that’s it. I am so far, today, dropping my plans for today and my life, and just thinking about Jesus’ statement: “Narrow is the way that leads to life and few there be that find it.”

Hi Bob.

Ok. 6th grade, you prayed. 10th grade, a friend challenged you. Later mom died, and you have no idea what their eternal status is.

Going on the perspective that you prayed as an 11-12 year old, my question becomes--

What have you been doing with this since?

You said that you are seeking salvation.

What does this mean to you?

As a young believer, at 17, I was encouraged to engage in 4 really basic activities.
1- read the bible daily.
2- pray to God, daily, and about everything you are experiencing and dealing with in your life.
3- attend a bible teaching church, a bible study.
4- tell others about Jesus and what he's done for you.

Admittedly, this last one freaked me out because I just met Jesus and had no idea what I should say. I've since learned that he will give me the words to say. I just have to open my mouth and start talking.
So.... my questions to you become:

Are you spending time reading the bible regularly?
Are you spending time praying regularly?
Are you spending time attending a bible teaching church regularly?

Yes. Jesus did say that we are to enter the narrow gate. In Luke he tells us to STRIVE to enter the narrow gate.

The Greek word is energeo. It's the word from which is derived the idea of giving one's self over to something.

In 2 Peter 1:2-8, we read some pretty incredible stuff. But in vs 5, we read
"Besides all this, give all diligence to add to your faith virtue. And to your virtue, knowledge....

Look at what he says here... giving all diligence.... give yourself over to it, and focus on adding various virtues.
Faith, moral excellence, knowledge, self-control, persistence, kindness, brotherly love.
We then read-- for if these things are in you and abound, they shall make you that you are neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ

As such, I want to ask you to start reading the bible, daily. I typically read one to two chapters a day.
I also want to ask you to talk to God about whatever you want. We're invited to pray, and give thanks to God, and his peace will act like a security force guarding our hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.
As far as which books in the bible.

Please read the gospel of John and the letter to the Romans.

Afterwards, pick one, and read it. and just keep reading. Jesus said that God will teach you.

Welcome to the family.
According to Ephesians, Romans and a couple of other passages, as a follower of Jesus, you are an adopted child of God. Literally.
 
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ldonjohn

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Hey, Bob,

This is not the first time I have responded to one of your threads, and I probably will be saying much of the same things I have said in previous posts.

First, I speak from experience. I went through a time in life when I was obsessed with find a lasting assurance of salvation. I prayed many prayers begging God to save me "in Jesus' Name." (That's what I had heard in church)

I could never find a lasting peace about the matter. After saying one of those prayers I would "feel" assured for a few days, but soon the doubts & fears returned and I would question myself; asking myself "Did I really believe?" "Was my faith strong enough for God to save me?" "Did I really commit my life to Christ." "Did I really mean business with God when I promised to serve Him for the rest of my life?"
You get the picture? After several miserable years of going through that cycle of praying, doubting, & praying, & doubting I finally decided that there was no way for me to ever know if I was saved or not, and one night when I went to bed I just gave up & said a prayer asking God to show me how to believe. That was the moment that changed my life. My "focus" changed from looking at "me" to looking to God for my answer. Within a period of 2 days I was reading the bible, Gospel of John, looking for the answer God had for me. I was no longer looking at my prayers, at my promises to server God, at whether my faith was real or strong enough, etc. Instead, my focus was on the words I was reading in God's Word because God's Spirit was showing me that those words were the absolute truth. By the time I had read through John chapter 6, the Holy Spirit had convinced me that I would be saved by the finished work of Jesus on the cross; not by anything I had done or could do. He showed me that the amount of my faith, whether strong or weak, wasn't important as long as the object of my faith was Jesus.
My troubled soul was overwhelmed with a sense of relief at the moment the Holy Spirit turned on the light for me and "I got it." The focus of my faith changed from "me" to Jesus.
Today, 40+ years later, I still have that same peace that God gave me that day. It is a peace that is impossible to explain to anyone who has never found that peace themselves.
What I am suggesting is that you will never find peace about your salvation by looking at yourself; look to Jesus.
The third verse of my favorite hymn, "It Is Well with My Soul" says it well:

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin, not in part, but the whole
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, oh my soul


Focus on that message, think about that message every day.

Regards,
John
 
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Bob8102

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Hey, Bob,

This is not the first time I have responded to one of your threads, and I probably will be saying much of the same things I have said in previous posts.

First, I speak from experience. I went through a time in life when I was obsessed with find a lasting assurance of salvation. I prayed many prayers begging God to save me "in Jesus' Name." (That's what I had heard in church)

I could never find a lasting peace about the matter. After saying one of those prayers I would "feel" assured for a few days, but soon the doubts & fears returned and I would question myself; asking myself "Did I really believe?" "Was my faith strong enough for God to save me?" "Did I really commit my life to Christ." "Did I really mean business with God when I promised to serve Him for the rest of my life?"
You get the picture? After several miserable years of going through that cycle of praying, doubting, & praying, & doubting I finally decided that there was no way for me to ever know if I was saved or not, and one night when I went to bed I just gave up & said a prayer asking God to show me how to believe. That was the moment that changed my life. My "focus" changed from looking at "me" to looking to God for my answer. Within a period of 2 days I was reading the bible, Gospel of John, looking for the answer God had for me. I was no longer looking at my prayers, at my promises to server God, at whether my faith was real or strong enough, etc. Instead, my focus was on the words I was reading in God's Word because God's Spirit was showing me that those words were the absolute truth. By the time I had read through John chapter 6, the Holy Spirit had convinced me that I would be saved by the finished work of Jesus on the cross; not by anything I had done or could do. He showed me that the amount of my faith, whether strong or weak, wasn't important as long as the object of my faith was Jesus.
My troubled soul was overwhelmed with a sense of relief at the moment the Holy Spirit turned on the light for me and "I got it." The focus of my faith changed from "me" to Jesus.
Today, 40+ years later, I still have that same peace that God gave me that day. It is a peace that is impossible to explain to anyone who has never found that peace themselves.
What I am suggesting is that you will never find peace about your salvation by looking at yourself; look to Jesus.
The third verse of my favorite hymn, "It Is Well with My Soul" says it well:

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin, not in part, but the whole
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, oh my soul


Focus on that message, think about that message every day.

Regards,
John

Excellent! Thank you! I am not only taking your advice but I again got assured of my salvation yesterday. Now I am going with the understanding that my salvation in Christ is secure.
 
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ldonjohn

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Bob, continue to focus your thoughts on the finished work of Jesus on the cross and on His resurrection.

1Cor. 1:18 "For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness: but to us which are saved it is the power of God."

If the message of the cross was foolishness to me then I would not ask God for His forgiveness provided through the power of that message. If I didn't believe Jesus was raised from that grave, tomb, then I would not have asked Him to give me the new heart only He can give.

Finally, if I didn't believe the promise Jesus made in John 6:37 "All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out." then I would not have assurance.

He gave us His Word; It's simply a matter of believing Him.

John
 
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aiki

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I also was eventually diagnosed with OCD, which explains, at least in part, why I was such a bad worker and had a rocky career.

This is the terrible consequence of modern psycho-therapy, that pathologizes nearly all bad thinking as a "disease" and thus puts such thinking outside of the responsibility of the individual to act to remedy. So long as a person believes their mental/emotional problems are diseases existing apart from their choices to adopt various modes of thinking, they have no reason to do anything to change their thinking. What a wonderful way to keep people permanently dependent upon the psycho-therapeutic industry, perennially reliant upon drugs and the therapist's couch, never actually better in their minds and hearts, but only merely "managed."

This isn't the experience God offers to His children in Himself. God's word has nothing to say about how to mend a broken leg, or surgically remove a tumor, or treat an infection, but it has an enormous amount to say about the state of a person's mind and heart, about their inner landscape, their psychology and spiritual condition. God makes a strong, clean distinction between the psychological part of a person and their physical being, repeatedly declaring in Scripture that, regardless of the physical condition a person may be in, walking well with God always results in peace, joy, inner stability, freedom from fear, and contentment.

Isaiah 26:3-4
3 You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you; because he trusts in you.
4 Trust in Jehovah for ever; for in Jehovah, even Jehovah, is an everlasting rock.

Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come unto me, all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and you shall find rest unto your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Philippians 4:6-7
6 In nothing be anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
7 And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:14-15
14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.
15 For you received not the spirit of bondage again unto fear; but you received the spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.

2 Timothy 1:7
7 For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline.

And so on. There are literally hundreds of Bible verses that indicate that, in a right relationship with God, peace and inner stability are found. What has happened, then, to the modern Church that is crowded with believers mired deeply in fear, depression, obsessiveness, and a multitude of other psychoses? Why do they no longer believe that the life of peace and rest God offers to them in Himself is possible? Because modern psycho-therapy has declared that every bad thought and feeling within a person is a disease, an ailment akin to diabetes, or cystic fibrosis, and as such cannot be influenced by mere religious belief. And Christians have adopted this as truth even though it is directly contradicted by Scripture.

In my early twenties, I was severely afflicted with OCD, depression and anxiety. In my mid-fifties now, I have not suffered with such things for the last three decades. God set me free just as He said in His word He would, without any drugs or the weekly sympathetic noises of a therapist. In contrast, I have observed people on both drugs and in therapy who are far worse off now after twenty years of "treatment," in some cases, than they ever were!

My confusion may have reached its zenith when someone on the Forums said that I am not trusting Jesus Christ for my salvation, but am trusting myself. I’ve thought if I sincerely asked Christ to be my Lord and Savior, He would save me. But this poster on the Forums said I was making my sincerity the key to my salvation, but that the key was not me but the Savior. That assertion has caused me doubt and confusion ever since.

Why? The poster was correct. You aren't saved by the strength or depth of your sincerity. That would mean that, ultimately, you have saved yourself: The power of your sincerity is your Savior, not Jesus. But this isn't what the Bible says. We are saved by a Person, in whom we are commanded to trust as our Savior and Lord. (Romans 10:9-10)

What if there are so many layers of fantasy and self-delusion in my psychology that both God and I have a lot of difficulty breaking through them all? What if God cannot get through my layers of fantasy to get to the real me? What if I can’t get through the layers of fantasy to get to the real Christ?

But, you see, this is to put yourself above God, to make His rescue of you contingent upon your powers of clarity about yourself. Here, again, you are positioning yourself as your own rescuer, putting even God Himself at the mercy of your ability to break through the layers of fantasy and self-delusion that rest upon you. Do you see why we have to stop looking at ourselves, to cease navel-gazing, and look away from the awful muddle of our own hearts and minds, to Christ, trusting in him to sort us out, to bring us to freedom and the Truth?

Hebrews 12:2-3
2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
3 For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.


2 Corinthians 3:18
18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.


God doesn't need you to be utterly clear within yourself, free of self-deception and sin, in order to redeem you and make you His own. It is when you are one of His, indwelt by His Spirit, that He goes to work on you, transforming you, peeling away the falsehoods clouding your vision, scouring off the sin and selfishness that fouls your life. He cleans you up; He doesn't expect you to clean yourself up for Him.

No man ever became more like Jesus by focusing upon himself.

But maybe Christ really saves some or all people with a wavering faith: at least, there is some faith there, and Jesus said that if you have faith as small as a grain of mustard seed, you will move mountains.

God doesn't need you to be faithful enough before He saves you. Nowhere in Scripture are we told how much faith is necessary to be saved, only the kind of faith. God responds to a faith, however small, that is not merely of the mind, solely intellectual, but that is also of the heart, that anticipates a changed life corresponding to the truth of what is believed (ie. the Gospel). He takes what little saving faith we have and grows it over time as we walk with Him, making it deep and solid. He doesn't expect us to have such faith before He saves us, however.

She essentially recommends that religious OCD sufferers reach that same point. She said that in her case, she would have an attack of the thought that she wasn’t really saved and was going to hell, and then just respond; “Oh, well, I guess there’s nothing that can be done for it. I might as well finish cleaning the house.” I find it hard to take this advice. It seems I cannot reach the point of deciding that come hell or heaven, I’m going to live the Christian life and go on with life.

In my case, I simply used every surge of obsessive-compulsive thinking to focus upon God's truth and to trust myself to it no matter what feelings I was having. In time, this became a reflex of my thinking that totally dissolved my OCD. But I had to struggle at first against my thought-habit of obsessing about what I feared, quoting God's word to myself, consciously choosing to believe it and trust in it, and in so doing gradually stepping out of the practice I had formed of going round and round within my mind about my fears. As I made God and His truth my focus, I became conformed to it - just as I had become conformed to my fears, bound by them, when I was focused upon them.

But I find that if I doubt my salvation, I see no point in working on those plans, but instead should full time seek salvation, as I have been doing. But if salvation Is as difficult to find as it has been for me, I can give up on finding it anytime soon.

Well, once again, you've put your salvation all on you, on your seeking it out. Our salvation is never far away, except if we tell ourselves he is. Please understand: Salvation isn't a condition, but a Person, Jesus Christ, who may be found instantly by all who, by faith, trust in him as their Savior and Lord.

1 John 5:11-12
11 And the testimony is this, that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son.
12 He who has the Son has the life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have the life.


John 1:4
4 In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men.


John 14:6
6 Jesus *said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.


Acts 4:12
12 "And there is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men by which we must be saved."


Acts 17:27-28
27 that they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us;
28 for in Him we live and move and exist...

Revelation 3:20
20 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.

Having set out with this commitment, I usually reach the point where I’m sure I’m saved. But that assurance simply will not last.

Because a feeling of certainty is not the basis upon which you're saved. It is on the basis of what God has promised to us in His word that we know we are saved, regardless of whatever feelings we might have.

"Feelings come, and feelings go,
And feelings are deceiving.
My warrant is the word of God,
Nought else is worth believing."
 
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