Am I a sadist?

[EtainSkirata]

This is horrible and embarrassing but I can't stop thinking about it. Sadism is basically taking pleasure in other people's pain. And ever since I was little, I've experienced some kind of pleasure in daydreaming about movie characters in painful situations, amd have even gotten "turned on" by it.

I've realized this is bad, but it had just been a "okay, that's a bad thing, don't do that," and that's been about it. But recently, as in the last few days, I realized it's a part of me that NEEDS TO GO. I've been a writer for about 10 years, but always felt that maybe I shouldn't be, for some reason. Couldn't ever put a concrete reason why. But maybe it's because I get too much enjoyment out of when the characters are hurt (even though most of the time I have them be rescued).

I don't want to hurt another human. I hate that my brain does this. I'm trying to change it, to not be "pleased" when bad things happen to made up characters. But I can't stop thinking about how awful and vile of a person I am. I couldn't sleep, I was up till midnight crying and praying. I'm shaking and I feel utterly miserable. I think I have to give up writing but I don't want to, it feels like the one thing I love, creating stories, has been ruined. Not all my stories are even that bad, the worst maybe being on the level of the Hunger Games, and mostly being, like, teen sci fi or something to that level.

I hate myself. Part of this might be OCD, but part of it is an actual problem I'm trying to fix, and I don't know what to do and I feel sick.

 

[Hieronymus]

Thankfully, there's a difference between what we sometimes think and what we actually (would) do.

 

[EtainSkirata]

Thankfully, there's a difference between what we sometimes think and what we actually (would) do.

I can't stop crying, I'm miserable and I hate this so much. Why am I like this? I don't want to be like this! I don't want that to be a part of me any more but it keeps coming back!

 

[Hieronymus]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this that bad.
So it seems to be related to writing and coming up with stories and scenarios.
Do you write with a particular audience in mind?

 

[Junia]

This is horrible and embarrassing but I can't stop thinking about it. Sadism is basically taking pleasure in other people's pain. And ever since I was little, I've experienced some kind of pleasure in daydreaming about movie characters in painful situations, amd have even gotten "turned on" by it.

I've realized this is bad, but it had just been a "okay, that's a bad thing, don't do that," and that's been about it. But recently, as in the last few days, I realized it's a part of me that NEEDS TO GO. I've been a writer for about 10 years, but always felt that maybe I shouldn't be, for some reason. Couldn't ever put a concrete reason why. But maybe it's because I get too much enjoyment out of when the characters are hurt (even though most of the time I have them be rescued).

I don't want to hurt another human. I hate that my brain does this. I'm trying to change it, to not be "pleased" when bad things happen to made up characters. But I can't stop thinking about how awful and vile of a person I am. I couldn't sleep, I was up till midnight crying and praying. I'm shaking and I feel utterly miserable. I think I have to give up writing but I don't want to, it feels like the one thing I love, creating stories, has been ruined. Not all my stories are even that bad, the worst maybe being on the level of the Hunger Games, and mostly being, like, teen sci fi or something to that level.

I hate myself. Part of this might be OCD, but part of it is an actual problem I'm trying to fix, and I don't know what to do and I feel sick.

you are not a sadist. how do i know? i had a parent who was one. nothing in your post suggests you are into torturing your children or partner.

 

[EtainSkirata]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this that bad.
So it seems to be related to writing and coming up with stories and scenarios.
Do you write with a particular audience in mind?

No, not really. I just write what comes to mind. Mostly it's stuff for fandoms, ie fan fiction.

 

[EtainSkirata]

you are not a sadist. how do i know? i had a parent who was one. nothing in your post suggests you are into torturing your children or partner.

No, I'm not into that. And anything on tv that looks too real makes me uncomfortable. It's just that these made up stories I come up with in my head make me think that there's something horribly wrong with me.

 

[Hieronymus]

No, not really. I just write what comes to mind. Mostly it's stuff for fandoms, ie fan fiction.

Does that mean you write to share with other fans?

 

[Leet]

@MaryNabil

 

[EtainSkirata]

Does that mean you write to share with other fans?

Yes, for example I just finished a novel length star wars story, and I'm currently editing an original novel (not fan fiction) I finished in january.

 

[Chris35]

Jesus didnt come to restore and make righteous the flesh.

I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.

The flesh is corrupt but the spirit is not. What you seem to be doing is writing from the flesh, and its expressing its desires through your writing.

I am not suggesting that you give up writing, im suggesting that you focus on and learn how to write through the spirit. Pray before writing, asking for help to do this, pray that you write with his love, and not your own, through his spirit and not the flesh.

Give it a month or so, pray before you write everytime, see where it leads. Hope that my advice helps you.

 

[EtainSkirata]

Jesus didnt come to restore and make righteous the flesh.

I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.

The flesh is corrupt but the spirit is not. What you seem to be doing is writing from the flesh, and its expressing its desires through your writing.

I am not suggesting that you give up writing, im suggesting that you focus on and learn how to write through the spirit. Pray before writing, asking for help to do this, pray that you write with his love, and not your own, through his spirit and not the flesh.

Give it a month or so, pray before you write everytime, see where it leads. Hope that my advice helps you.

This is solid advice. Thank you. I'm feeling a tad less anxious now.

 

[MehGuy]

I can't stop crying, I'm miserable and I hate this so much. Why am I like this? I don't want to be like this! I don't want that to be a part of me any more but it keeps coming back!

I can sympathize, I consider myself a sadist in the romantic sense. Most of my life I've felt bad about it, and still do at times. Although from my experience from trying to completely abstain from it, I developed more depression and psychological problems. I remember reading a study (done in the 1920s I believe) that essentially had participates who identified as sadists forgo thinking about such things. They found the subjects became more and more withdrawn, depressed and lifeless. These results matched what I experienced.

I can understand the dilemma, especially as a former Christian myself. Thing is, I know plenty of people who are sadists who are actually quite good people. They participate in food kitchens and whatnot. Human psychology is complex, just because you have those thoughts doesn't make you a bad person. Just as those who don't suffer from such thoughts can still be bad people.

 

[GaveMeJoy]

This is horrible and embarrassing but I can't stop thinking about it. Sadism is basically taking pleasure in other people's pain. And ever since I was little, I've experienced some kind of pleasure in daydreaming about movie characters in painful situations, amd have even gotten "turned on" by it.

I've realized this is bad, but it had just been a "okay, that's a bad thing, don't do that," and that's been about it. But recently, as in the last few days, I realized it's a part of me that NEEDS TO GO. I've been a writer for about 10 years, but always felt that maybe I shouldn't be, for some reason. Couldn't ever put a concrete reason why. But maybe it's because I get too much enjoyment out of when the characters are hurt (even though most of the time I have them be rescued).

I don't want to hurt another human. I hate that my brain does this. I'm trying to change it, to not be "pleased" when bad things happen to made up characters. But I can't stop thinking about how awful and vile of a person I am. I couldn't sleep, I was up till midnight crying and praying. I'm shaking and I feel utterly miserable. I think I have to give up writing but I don't want to, it feels like the one thing I love, creating stories, has been ruined. Not all my stories are even that bad, the worst maybe being on the level of the Hunger Games, and mostly being, like, teen sci fi or something to that level.

I hate myself. Part of this might be OCD, but part of it is an actual problem I'm trying to fix, and I don't know what to do and I feel sick.

Hey, I'm also a writer, and I have obsessive compulsions. One thing my therapist said to me that was helpful was to remember that you need to consider your thoughts and ideas and fears within the context of your disorder. It is NORMAL for a person with OCD to focus on particular things and engage in habits and repetitive thought processes. It was a big game changer when I stopped thinking I was weird, or horrible, or hating the way I was because I realized I was actually normative, my problems are the result of something. It isn't YOU who thinks this way my friend, YOU are the person who asks for help on a Christian Forum. YOU are the person willing to give up the thing you love (writing) to try to be a better person. Your disorder is what makes you think about hurting others and enjoy the concept. That ain't you. You need to disassociate your disorder from your identity in Christ, and in life. Treat the symptom, hate the symptoms, don't hate yourself. YOU are not this bad stuff. You are an adopted King or Queen, child of the most high God, purchased by the blood of Jesus Christ. Every, single, day.

 

[EtainSkirata]

Hey, I'm also a writer, and I have obsessive compulsions. One thing my therapist said to me that was helpful was to remember that you need to consider your thoughts and ideas and fears within the context of your disorder. It is NORMAL for a person with OCD to focus on particular things and engage in habits and repetitive thought processes. It was a big game changer when I stopped thinking I was weird, or horrible, or hating the way I was because I realized I was actually normative, my problems are the result of something. It isn't YOU who thinks this way my friend, YOU are the person who asks for help on a Christian Forum. YOU are the person willing to give up the thing you love (writing) to try to be a better person. Your disorder is what makes you think about hurting others and enjoy the concept. That ain't you. You need to disassociate your disorder from your identity in Christ, and in life. Treat the symptom, hate the symptoms, don't hate yourself. YOU are not this bad stuff. You are an adopted King or Queen, child of the most high God, purchased by the blood of Jesus Christ. Every, single, day.

I appreciate your reply, I really do. And I'm not trying to be rude or disrespectful. But imagine you went and stole a candy bar. You'd experience the thrill of being sneaky, and then enjoy eating the candy bar, but a few moments later, you'd think to yourself, "that was bad. That was a sin, I shouldn't have done that." But maybe you go back a couple times, and you can't help stealing another one, because it's FUN, even though a few minutes later you're like "Agh! Why did I do that?" I wouldn't call that OCD, I'd call that a sin problem. And that's what I feel this is, in my case. No, I don't like the idea of enjoying the thought of characters being hurt, or being "turned on" by daydreaming certain situations. I don't like that I'm like this. And yet, here I am; if I let my mind go, that's where it ends up sometimes. It makes for some compelling stories sometimes, but that's just an excuse in my opinion. (It is, I might note, an odd phenomenon amongst fanfiction readers, to enjoy what's called "whump," where the character gets hurt somehow. So, I know I'm not alone... but I DON'T want to get to where I'm excusing my own sin. That's a scary thought.)

 

[GaveMeJoy]

I appreciate your reply, I really do. And I'm not trying to be rude or disrespectful. But imagine you went and stole a candy bar. You'd experience the thrill of being sneaky, and then enjoy eating the candy bar, but a few moments later, you'd think to yourself, "that was bad. That was a sin, I shouldn't have done that." But maybe you go back a couple times, and you can't help stealing another one, because it's FUN, even though a few minutes later you're like "Agh! Why did I do that?" I wouldn't call that OCD, I'd call that a sin problem. And that's what I feel this is, in my case. No, I don't like the idea of enjoying the thought of characters being hurt, or being "turned on" by daydreaming certain situations. I don't like that I'm like this. And yet, here I am; if I let my mind go, that's where it ends up sometimes. It makes for some compelling stories sometimes, but that's just an excuse in my opinion. (It is, I might note, an odd phenomenon amongst fanfiction readers, to enjoy what's called "whump," where the character gets hurt somehow. So, I know I'm not alone... but I DON'T want to get to where I'm excusing my own sin. That's a scary thought.)

Yea excusing sin is never the way, but we should never identify with sin or sinful desires. That’s identifying with the flesh, when Christ crucified the flesh on the cross, so that our identity will always be in him. you don’t go on doing the same sin willingly, but the vibe I got from your post was you hate yourself because of sinful desires. The flesh is there, it ain’t you anymore if you have the Holy Spirit, you are a new creation

 

[EtainSkirata]

you hate yourself because of sinful desires.

Yeeeeeep.

But, that's a good point. I guess I'm struggling with the nuances of writing a good story vs falling down the slippery slope and ending up in sin. I've been almost afraid to open up my novel again for editing, because even though it's probably not even that bad, I just... feel anxious about it. "Is this scene too intense, is that line okay" as seen through the lens of my struggles in these posts. I want to write another story, or edit my work, and just write a good story for other people, Christians or not, to read and enjoy. I want to enjoy the hobby, like I did two weeks ago, before this revelation. And now I'm trying to balance it all out and it's stressing me out. It used to be my mental escape, but now it's torment.

 

[jacks]

Maybe write a new story about a character that realizes they enjoy whump and wants to change. There could be all kinds of scenarios; maybe they see the real life consequences on somebody who is hurt or abused or they themselves become a whumpee. Maybe they have a spiritual awakening that puts them on a higher plane, where they can see the ultimate emptiness of what they are doing. Etc. Etc.

And don't be so hard on yourself. We all struggle with parts of our selves we would like to change. Think of Paul in Romans 7.15-25.

15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. 18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. 21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

 

[EtainSkirata]

Maybe write a new story about a character that realizes they enjoy whump and wants to change. There could be all kinds of scenarios; maybe they see the real life consequences on somebody who is hurt or abused or they themselves become a whumpee. Maybe they have a spiritual awakening that puts them on a higher plane, where they can see the ultimate emptiness of what they are doing. Etc. Etc.

And don't be so hard on yourself. We all struggle with parts of our selves we would like to change. Think of Paul in Romans 7.15-25.

15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. 18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. 21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

That makes sense... I guess where I'm stuck is, in order for a story to be good, there needs to be conflict. Every bit of writing advice ever says to let bad things happen to your characters. I'm afraid of enjoying doing that too much. But if I'm worried about enjoying it too much, then that means it's not really me enjoying it?
Like I said, I just want to go back to crafting a good story and editing my novel without being so stressed. Writing is how I process my emotions; specifically, I just last month finished a story about an anxious character who's kind and wise mentor helped her grow as a person. In general, writing was my favorite thing to do, I'd be thinking of stories all the time. But now I'm afraid to do any of that. I feel like it's been broken, so to speak, and I don't know how to fix it.

 

[jacks]

I guess where I'm stuck is, in order for a story to be good, there needs to be conflict. Every bit of writing advice ever says to let bad things happen to your characters.

I see what you're saying, but "conflict" and "bad" things don't need to be physical. When you think of the greatest literature in the world often nothing physically bad happens to the characters. I realize it is harder to write and engage readers with subtler versions of conflict, but maybe this growth as a writer, is where you are being led.