Always struggled with transgender feelings but never told anyone

[sdk80]

I have a secret that I've kept all my life, yet it's tearing me up inside. Ever since I was maybe 4 years old, I've wanted to be male. You guessed it, I'm actually female. I was a tomboy growing up, and even though I had fun playing with barbies, most things I enjoyed were things boys tended to do. I was really good at sports, and all my heroes were men. Part of it was society/the media portraying men in roles that were more important. Most fictional characters everyone loved were male. It appeared that to be a successful woman, you had to be dainty, doll yourself up, and operate in the shadows of men. That seemed like no fun.

I wanted to be competitive with the boys, not admire them from afar. Whenever we played "pretend" as kids, I was always a male character. When I played by myself in my room, I was always male. When I got older, I started practicing what is now referred to as maladaptive daydreaming using a group of characters from my favorite TV show. I was always one of the male characters in my fantasies, having relationships with females, and sometimes cross-dressing as a man in private. In real life, I found myself continually unhappy to be stuck as a female, and even prayed sometimes that I would wake up male.

This had a profound affect on my life. As a result, I've avoided romantic relationships with men because I don't feel right about it. After so long of being male in my own head, it's really hard to be a female in a romantic relationship in real life. I suppose you could say I identify as transgender internally, but I would never become transgender in actuality. Firstly, I don't believe that's possible. No matter how much of your appearance you change, or how many hormones you take, you'll always be your birth gender. That's the truth. Secondly, even if I did make that change, I'd still be a scrawny short dude...a far cry from the man in my fantasies. Thirdly, it would devastate my family who are all Christians, and I would never have the guts to do that...even in front of my friends. It would ruin all my relationships and my relationships are good. I couldn't bear it.

To be clear, I'm not a lesbian and am attracted to men. That's the weird thing. I've had crushes on boys/men, but I can also say the same for some women. However, I have no desire to be in a female/female relationship. I think the male/female dynamic is beautiful. I just wish I could be the male in that dynamic.

Now I'm a 39 year-old single woman, quickly aging, and afraid of being alone the rest of my life. I've always craved the closeness of marriage and family, yet I have this issue preventing me from pursuing those things. I feel like if I'd been a man, I would have my own family by now. It's a torment that is ruining my life.

 

[Tolworth John]

Now I'm a 39 year-old single woman, quickly aging, and afraid of being alone the rest of my life. I've always craved the closeness of marriage and family, yet I have this issue preventing me from pursuing those things. I feel like if I'd been a man, I would have my own family by now. It's a torment that is ruining my life.

Not really sure how to reply.
I would suggest doing a search for a Christian therapist/councelor who would help you with your feelings.

Are there any single men your age who you are friendly with?
Could you work on that friendship?

 

[FreeinChrist]

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[Sophrosyne]

Gender confusion happens in life, It starts when one gender isn't satisfied to fall into the normal behavior expected of them. There is nothing wrong with being a tomboy and wanting to do a lot of things that tend to be stereotyped as male activities. Men often seem to be gender confused when they don't get into the more masculine type of activities and lifestyle. I think there are many men and women out there that are inept at romance either they aren't good at it or don't want to deal with it at all as sometimes we see the fakery that goes on with courting and romance when people pretend to be more than they are dressing up all the time around their "target" and acting instead of being their normal self. I also think sometimes gender confusion can happen when there is no good gender examples around either male or female. If a woman has a poor female gender figure as their mother they can either be a poor figure themselves or reject the idea of what a woman is and become confused. If a woman has a mediocre female figure but a great male figure that can cause confusion of sorts too if they base who they are on the male figure they can overlay gender identity in the mix in wanting to be more like "father" they can go too far and desire to be male instead of female because being female means being like so-so mom.
I think a lot of the problems in our country is out of a sort of gender confusion brought on by bad stereotypes in communities destroying healthy male and female role models both in and out of marriages leading to children not knowing how to be "normal" instead they fall in place with expected norms that often are not normal.
There will always be those who are different in the world, I've found those who are too "normal" are often too "boring" for me to be bothered with.

 

[LordKroak10]

To OP, I sincerely recommend you do your own research and keep an open mind. I won't "promote" any particular conclusion here, I'll only say that you can make your own decisions. If it's important to you, you can and will arrive at a mindset that strikes a harmonious balance between your particular faith and personal fulfillment. And do feel free to reach out to me individually if you want the freedom to have an actual discussion about these things.