Alone, losing hope, don't know what to do

[diana092086]

Wondering if I'm alone in this...it's wonderful how some people can read the Bible or pray then believe and find Jesus and comfort. That's not me though. I've tried all i can think of to believe and find Jesus but i get nothing. I know so much about God, the Bible, the Christian life in my head but not in my heart. Now i know how horrible of a person i am but can't believe. I'm introverted, introspective, reserved, don't love being around people, and tons of other awful traits. I've been afraid of hell and have learned so much about the Christian life - i thought i wanted to go to heaven but maybe i don't with my personality. I wish i was different. I wish i loved God and others. I don't think i could write enough to get anyone to understand my situation. I'm not really looking for a bible verse, or the Gospel - I've heard just about everything and still struggle to believe. I know God chooses some to save but not all. I'm so certain i don't have and never had the Holy Spirit but rather a spirit of fear and confusion. I think I'm a goat and not a sheep. God says to come to Him with childlike faith. I don't have childlike faith - I'm always questioning, hesitant, not trusting Him. Everyone says to look to Jesus but I'm afraid the more i look at Him, the more bitter and irritated I'll get since I'm so rotten and only believe lies. I can't do this on my own- i know i need the Holy Spirit. I know He points us to Jesus and makes Him beautiful to us. Only people have pointed me to Jesus and i never saw the beauty of Jesus. I just don't get it. I know so much about God, life, how i should be and I'm constantly monitoring and evaluating not only every little thing i think, say, do but also what others are saying and doing. I'm in a living nightmare hell. I can't escape my mind, myself. This just consumes me and every day gets worse. I've been OCD, anxious, depressed. I overthink and overanalyze to the extreme.

Wondering if anyone is or has been or knows someone who is or has been in a similar situation as me - knowing God is there and there's heaven and hell but you can't believe. And you realize how awful of a person you are and that you're going to hell. What does one do? Thoughts of killing myself come but then I'm scared to do that. But it's awful to live as a horrible person going to hell. I'm talking to a counselor and psychiatrist and am taking meds. I've already talked to tons of people all about God and i just can't believe. I wish i had that relationship with Jesus. But you can't force it - you can't make yourself believe. I've tried - it's fake, phony. I want the real thing. I'm at a point now - do i keep trying to force something that's maybe not meant to be or do i give up and try to enjoy the little bit of life i have here? It's so difficult and agonizing. It's also so exhausting trying to be something you're not - i feel like I'm going crazy and I'm worse now than before i learned so much about God. I think I've blasphemed the Holy Spirit and I'm so far gone, deep in the lies that there's no hope for me. I'm so aware of all my sins that i feel defeated and can't fight. That I'm swamped in lies and any truth i try to tell myself will be twisted into more lies. I am so messed up.

Just wondering if I'm all alone in this because i sure feel like it. I'm sure there are others like me who can't believe but maybe haven't gone to the extent i have of learning all about God. I could go on and on about the mess i got myself in with all this...i just wish i knew nothing

 

[redleghunter]

Wondering if I'm alone in this...it's wonderful how some people can read the Bible or pray then believe and find Jesus and comfort. That's not me though. I've tried all i can think of to believe and find Jesus but i get nothing. I know so much about God, the Bible, the Christian life in my head but not in my heart.

Good day Diana. When was the last time you just let the story of God's revelation to us without all the background noise sink in? It is a beautiful and exciting story. Which I will summarize below:

Creation

God
The story begins with God, who has always been. He has always existed, and He has always existed exactly as He is now. If it seems confusing, it’s because He’s beyond what anyone can fully comprehend.

Genesis 1:1 Psalm 90:2

Creation
In the beginning, God spoke and everything came into existence. By His command, the entire universe was created and filled with a dramatic display of galaxies, stars, and planets— including Earth, on which was a perfect garden of paradise called Eden. Of all the beauty He created, the masterpiece was a man and a woman. God made Adam and Eve in His image to reflect Him. They were created with the grand purpose of worshipping Him by loving Him, serving Him, and enjoying relationship with Him.

Harmony
By God’s design, all of creation was in harmony and was exactly the way it was supposed to be. During this time there was no pain, suffering, sickness or death. There was complete love, acceptance, and intimacy between God and man, between Adam and Eve, and throughout creation. But something tragic happened...

The Fall

Disobedience
Adam and Eve were far from being equal to God, yet He lovingly placed them in charge of all He had created in Eden. He gave them the freedom to make decisions and govern the earth with one rule: not to eat fruit from a specific tree. One day, God’s enemy, a fallen angel named Satan, wanted to overthrow God so he took the form of a serpent and lied to Adam and Eve. He deceived them into thinking God was not good and did not have their best interest in mind. As a result, they knowingly disobeyed God. In rebellion, Adam and Eve ate the fruit, deciding that they, not God, would determine right and wrong.

Consequence
The consequences of their actions were devastating! Like a virus, sin entered into all of creation and into the hearts of Adam and Eve. Sin, suffering, and pain were passed down from generation to generation; all of creation was distorted from its original design. We have all read or heard the stories of war, poverty, disease, greed, and scandals that plague our world today. Those are all a result of sin.

Romans 3:10 Romans 3:19

Need
When we think about the perfection and love that existed at the beginning of creation, we realize “we are far more flawed and far more sinful than we can dare imagine.” Just think of the grudges we’ve held, the lies we’ve told, the thoughts we’d never dare say aloud. An honest glance into our own hearts reveals the truth: We are all guilty. Everyone has sinned, and the ultimate consequence, even worse than physical death, is eternal separation from a loving God, in terrible misery and unhappiness. Because of all this, we need to consider the questions: Can anything be done? Is there any hope?

The Rescue

Promise made
God removed Adam and Eve from Eden as a result of their sin but left them with a promise of rescue and hope. He promised them one of their descendants would someday rescue mankind from sin. Over the next centuries, God prepared the way for this person who would become the Savior of the world. Exact details of His birth, life, and death were recorded in the Bible many centuries before His coming. In fact, the whole Bible ultimately points to this one person as the focal point of all human history. His purpose in coming was “to seek and to save what was lost” (Luke 19:10). So who was He?

Promise kept
The promised Savior, simply, was God. God became human in the person of Jesus Christ almost 2,000 years ago, fulfilling all the predictions in the Old Testament. Jesus’ birth was miraculous since His mother was a virgin. His life was unique: He perfectly enjoyed and obeyed God without sin. This ultimately led to His agonizing death on a cross as He willingly, obediently, and sufficiently died to pay for the sins of mankind, according to God’s plan. In the greatest display of mercy and grace the world has ever known, Jesus’ life and death became a substitute for all who would trust in Him. The perfectly innocent died to rescue the hopelessly guilty from sin and Satan.

But the grave couldn’t hold Jesus. Three days later, Jesus emerged from His tomb, fulfilling His earthly mission to defeat sin by dying on the cross and to defeat death by rising from the dead—just as God promised. Forty days later He returned to Heaven where He reigns as the rightful King.

But the story doesn’t end there...

1 Peter 3:18 Galatians 1:4

The Restoration


All Things New
For all those who trust in Jesus alone, God has also promised He will make all things new. The new heaven and new earth will be completely free of sin and selfishness—a place of perfect friendship with God, others, and all creation. No more shattering earthquakes, devastating tsunamis or violent storms will plague the earth. No more pain, broken hearts, sickness or death to trouble us.

Everything will be restored to the way it was meant to be. The new earth will once again be the perfect home God intended for His creation. God’s original purpose will flourish, as those who trust in His rescue will enter into the grand purpose of worshipping Him by loving Him, serving Him, and enjoying relationship with Him forever.

Revelation 21:4

Forever with God
The most wonderful part of this new world is that we will be with God forever, experiencing complete joy. We will be restored to a perfect relationship with the One who created, loved, and died for us. C. S. Lewis, scholar and children’s author, compared the first step into this new world as “Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.”

Rescue by Faith Alone
Faith is simple trust in Jesus Christ alone to save you. It means instead of believing you can rescue yourself from the consequences of sin, you transfer your trust to the rescue He purchased for you by His death. Your allegiance is now to Jesus, The King. Those who place their trust in anything other than Jesus will find themselves forever separated from the loving God who gave His one and only Son to set us free from the bondage of sin. This painful separation is called Hell.

Ephesians 2:8–9

 

[Vicky gould]

Wondering if I'm alone in this...it's wonderful how some people can read the Bible or pray then believe and find Jesus and comfort. That's not me though. I've tried all i can think of to believe and find Jesus but i get nothing. I know so much about God, the Bible, the Christian life in my head but not in my heart. Now i know how horrible of a person i am but can't believe. I'm introverted, introspective, reserved, don't love being around people, and tons of other awful traits. I've been afraid of hell and have learned so much about the Christian life - i thought i wanted to go to heaven but maybe i don't with my personality. I wish i was different. I wish i loved God and others. I don't think i could write enough to get anyone to understand my situation. I'm not really looking for a bible verse, or the Gospel - I've heard just about everything and still struggle to believe. I know God chooses some to save but not all. I'm so certain i don't have and never had the Holy Spirit but rather a spirit of fear and confusion. I think I'm a goat and not a sheep. God says to come to Him with childlike faith. I don't have childlike faith - I'm always questioning, hesitant, not trusting Him. Everyone says to look to Jesus but I'm afraid the more i look at Him, the more bitter and irritated I'll get since I'm so rotten and only believe lies. I can't do this on my own- i know i need the Holy Spirit. I know He points us to Jesus and makes Him beautiful to us. Only people have pointed me to Jesus and i never saw the beauty of Jesus. I just don't get it. I know so much about God, life, how i should be and I'm constantly monitoring and evaluating not only every little thing i think, say, do but also what others are saying and doing. I'm in a living nightmare hell. I can't escape my mind, myself. This just consumes me and every day gets worse. I've been OCD, anxious, depressed. I overthink and overanalyze to the extreme.

Wondering if anyone is or has been or knows someone who is or has been in a similar situation as me - knowing God is there and there's heaven and hell but you can't believe. And you realize how awful of a person you are and that you're going to hell. What does one do? Thoughts of killing myself come but then I'm scared to do that. But it's awful to live as a horrible person going to hell. I'm talking to a counselor and psychiatrist and am taking meds. I've already talked to tons of people all about God and i just can't believe. I wish i had that relationship with Jesus. But you can't force it - you can't make yourself believe. I've tried - it's fake, phony. I want the real thing. I'm at a point now - do i keep trying to force something that's maybe not meant to be or do i give up and try to enjoy the little bit of life i have here? It's so difficult and agonizing. It's also so exhausting trying to be something you're not - i feel like I'm going crazy and I'm worse now than before i learned so much about God. I think I've blasphemed the Holy Spirit and I'm so far gone, deep in the lies that there's no hope for me. I'm so aware of all my sins that i feel defeated and can't fight. That I'm swamped in lies and any truth i try to tell myself will be twisted into more lies. I am so messed up.

Just wondering if I'm all alone in this because i sure feel like it. I'm sure there are others like me who can't believe but maybe haven't gone to the extent i have of learning all about God. I could go on and on about the mess i got myself in with all this...i just wish i knew nothing

Hi, may I offer a few thoughts hopefully that might in some small way be prepping your heart for the good seed, the water and the spiritual growth you want and He wants you to possess. One of my favorite stories of doubter isn’t the Apostle Peter it’s john the baptizer. Standing at the Jordan River he looks and sees a man he has never seen before and he proclaims for all to hear the Passover Lamb who takes away the sin of the world. John made this proclamation twice. Then trouble hit and he was locked in prison just as you are and sounds like you have been maybe most of our lives locked up because we aren’t this or because we are such and. We spend our lives comparing our inside to what we see of others outside seemingly coming up short a lot of the time. John had some doubts growing in his hopeless state and soon sent his disciples to the same Lamb who takes away the sin of the world and ask if He really was the Promised Messiah.

One of the devils biggest weapons is disappointment ever had this attack? Probably a cornerstone for the prison he has helped you build over the years and with each disappointed came more crises of faith in what seems an endless spiral downward. The Lord is God and as such He could have entered Time whenever He chose to do so and when did He choose? When men had invented one of the worst ways to kill another person, crucifixion.

Crucifix new was so cruel they literally did not have a word to describe it a new word was coined excruciating. Ex meaning ‘out of’ cruciating “the cross.” Why would He not come when they had something like leather injection and just fall asleep? Too teach us a few lessons the first being how horrendous sin is that it would kill the kindest, goodest etc person who ever lived. Sin is hate and hate is seen daily from the unkind word to crimes that we have trouble understanding all linked by no love because only Love does no harm, does not keep records of the wrongs others to do to us. Love lays down its Life for others all these things and more were exhibited by the Lord as they nailed Him to the cross He prayed asking the Father to forgive them. This a sample of the immense love He has for you, me and all of us trust Him.

Do you have any hopes? Do you hope God is real? Do you hope you are not condemned? Do you hope all the ills of this life have not only been defeated by Him but one day will all be put right? What do you hope from your Christian learning etc? Why? Because Scripture tells us faith is exhibit in the things we hope for. I hope everything He promised to me/you His Bride are true and trustworthy etc. soon with prayer hope becomes trust and you have faith. Don’t let Satan isolate you that is when we are vulnerable to attack find two other people who will commit to being a cord of three because it is not easily broken. As such meet for fellowship, Romberg fellowship comes in many flavors. Pray together and separately. Study as a small group meant great Bible discussion plans out there one of mine is called “Stuck.’ Become active in the Body and if possible volunteer at food banks etc, jails men’s or women’s shelters. There is nothing that makes people more at peace and appreciative of their lives.

One last short anecdote. Working as the church council we took a survey to try and find where the flock was that we could pray for His choices of where to go. I started reading the responses and there were those that were good, not so good and absolutely awful. The morale in that room had fallen through floor maybe all the way to China. As we sat there crestfallen the Holy Spirit moved me to take the answers we received and put them in three piles one for the awful comments, one foe neutral type response and one for positive responses . As I finished I was stunned to see the stack of negative response were about 7-8 and the positive response were overwhelmingly the winner. The power of the negative can really distort what might be the truth as it was in this case. You feel there are a lot of negatives crushing you. Start journaling and every once in a while take inventory of the good the bad and the neutral. Even if the negative may be more at the beginning than they will be in the end and you can paraphrase Martin Luther King Jr ‘Free At last free at last thank God Almighty I am free at last.’ The key to our cells are very frequently on the same side of the cell we are holding ourselves in.
Take time to be with your Husband now don’t make Him or you wait to heaven. God bless from an old long-winded person who is probably as pretty screwed up as you feel. God bless

 

[PizzaAddict]

Wondering if I'm alone in this...it's wonderful how some people can read the Bible or pray then believe and find Jesus and comfort. That's not me though. I've tried all i can think of to believe and find Jesus but i get nothing. I know so much about God, the Bible, the Christian life in my head but not in my heart. Now i know how horrible of a person i am but can't believe. I'm introverted, introspective, reserved, don't love being around people, and tons of other awful traits. I've been afraid of hell and have learned so much about the Christian life - i thought i wanted to go to heaven but maybe i don't with my personality. I wish i was different. I wish i loved God and others. I don't think i could write enough to get anyone to understand my situation. I'm not really looking for a bible verse, or the Gospel - I've heard just about everything and still struggle to believe. I know God chooses some to save but not all. I'm so certain i don't have and never had the Holy Spirit but rather a spirit of fear and confusion. I think I'm a goat and not a sheep. God says to come to Him with childlike faith. I don't have childlike faith - I'm always questioning, hesitant, not trusting Him. Everyone says to look to Jesus but I'm afraid the more i look at Him, the more bitter and irritated I'll get since I'm so rotten and only believe lies. I can't do this on my own- i know i need the Holy Spirit. I know He points us to Jesus and makes Him beautiful to us. Only people have pointed me to Jesus and i never saw the beauty of Jesus. I just don't get it. I know so much about God, life, how i should be and I'm constantly monitoring and evaluating not only every little thing i think, say, do but also what others are saying and doing. I'm in a living nightmare hell. I can't escape my mind, myself. This just consumes me and every day gets worse. I've been OCD, anxious, depressed. I overthink and overanalyze to the extreme.

Wondering if anyone is or has been or knows someone who is or has been in a similar situation as me - knowing God is there and there's heaven and hell but you can't believe. And you realize how awful of a person you are and that you're going to hell. What does one do? Thoughts of killing myself come but then I'm scared to do that. But it's awful to live as a horrible person going to hell. I'm talking to a counselor and psychiatrist and am taking meds. I've already talked to tons of people all about God and i just can't believe. I wish i had that relationship with Jesus. But you can't force it - you can't make yourself believe. I've tried - it's fake, phony. I want the real thing. I'm at a point now - do i keep trying to force something that's maybe not meant to be or do i give up and try to enjoy the little bit of life i have here? It's so difficult and agonizing. It's also so exhausting trying to be something you're not - i feel like I'm going crazy and I'm worse now than before i learned so much about God. I think I've blasphemed the Holy Spirit and I'm so far gone, deep in the lies that there's no hope for me. I'm so aware of all my sins that i feel defeated and can't fight. That I'm swamped in lies and any truth i try to tell myself will be twisted into more lies. I am so messed up.

Just wondering if I'm all alone in this because i sure feel like it. I'm sure there are others like me who can't believe but maybe haven't gone to the extent i have of learning all about God. I could go on and on about the mess i got myself in with all this...i just wish i knew nothing

Yea I had that untill I realised that Christ died for my sins and that it was free and I had to do nothing to be saved other than believing that he did it for me , even stopped eating my fingernails which I did because of stress of hell and such.
So yea salvation is for whoever believes not for "decent" or "good" people but for thiefs ,adulterers and murderers also .

 

[mukk_in]

You need a personal encounter with God, Diana. The Samaritan woman was like you. An encounter with Jesus of Nazareth changed that. You need to meet God. I'll pray that the Lord will reveal Himself to you.

Peace in Christ.

 

[Sanoy]

It's very evident to me that you do believe Diana. If you did not believe in the existence of God you would not be so afraid and unseated. The turmoil you are in is because it is not enough to believe in God's existence, you must put your life in His hands and be born again.

What we call a believer is not just a believer in God's existence, but a believer in Jesus's promise to save us from our sins, to save us from death. When we call out to God, and admit our sinful nature, as you have done, and ask forgiveness, and for Jesus to come into our life. Then we are a believer in Jesus's promise to save us, and the Holy Spirit dwells within us and begins a regenerative work in our lives, and testifies to our mind and heart that we are children of God.

 

[Tolworth John]

I think I've blasphemed the Holy Spirit and I'm so far gone, deep in the lies that there's no hope for me. I'm so aware of all my sins that i feel defeated and can't fight. That I'm swamped in lies and any truth i try to tell myself will be twisted into more lies. I am so messed up.

Two things.
Have you eversaid this to God and asked for forgiveness.

2nd, You want God, well go look for him, attend church, get involved.

One thing is certain you won't find God hiding in your home.
Be honest you are searching, but haven't found God. Ask tough questions, challenge the preacher on his reasoning, biblical quotes etc
Don't accept rubbish statements, 'only believe' or 'you just need faith' and other garbage remarks.

 

[Karin12414]

Hello Diana,

First off, I want to say that I am so sorry you feel this way, but please know you are not alone. This whole Christianity thing isn't easy. If it were, then we wouldn't need Church or need to spend time in the Word.

I know exactly what you are feeling in regards to feeling alone and unable to believe.

I was raised in the Church since I was 3 years old. I thought I knew this God thing inside and out and no one or no thing could convince me otherwise. But once I got into High School, I had a huge fall from God. I fell into drugs and adultery, everything I shouldn't have done as a Christian. I became a compulsive liar and got to the point where I lied about the smallest things just to lie. I found myself alone and feeling like no one on earth could possibly understand what I was feeling. I still went to Church (to get my parents off my back), but I didn't want to hear any of it.

I couldn't believe that God would want anything to do with me after everything I had done, but that's not true. I had to learn that it isn't what we know, what we read, what we've done or anything that mattered. God wants a personal relationship with us. It doesn't matter how much of the Bible you have memorized (Even Lucifer has the Word memorized). It's just the surrender into the relationship.

For me, it took a Worship song to finally break through all of my anger and misplaced feelings. "Restore to Me" by Mac Powell. The words are inspired by a chapter in Psalms where David has fallen to his lowest point in his walk with Christ. This is really important, because he was always known as a man after God's own heart. David was scared that the Spirit had left him, so he bore his soul, open and vulnerable.

It's different for everyone, because each of our walks is unique. I can't say that any one way would work for you, but it will require work. You said that you have read the Bible, that's a great place to start. Now, have you tried to meditate on the words? What I mean by that is, have you taken the time to look at these verses as more than just old stories? You have to look at them and apply them to your life. To the World around you. Yes, some references are time specific, but overall, they still apply.

Take it little by little. We will never know everything there is to know about God. Even the greatest philosophers haven't come close. Take some of the pressure off of yourself. In any relationship, it can't be forced.

I personally think that getting involved in a Church is a great step to take. I have trouble being social as well, but I have been trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. You don't have to b the most social person in the world, but I do think it is important to have a spiritual support system. Even just one person that you are able to reach out to personally and someone who can keep you accountable. It does help. Being alone during such a crucial journey can make it a little hard. Like I said, even just one person. I only have one person I reach out to when I am struggling with things, and it really makes a difference.

Just remember, God already knows everything you have done and been through. It could never change His love for you. Nothing you ever do could. He knew you before you were even created in the womb and all He wants is to know YOU. The real you. Even if you don't know the real you yet, He wants to share His love with you.

And if it's any consolation, take note of the replies. We are complete strangers on the internet. We could have easily spent this time trolling you and making you feel awful for not getting the real meaning of this whole God thing, but because of our Life Changing Relationship with Christ, we all care enough to respond in a genuinely loving way. Because God would do the same for us

Don't be so hard on yourself. Trust me, I know how easy it is to find all the faults in yourself, but I promise you that God cannot see any of them. All He sees is His beautifully made Child. Once we are Saved, God forgives our sins past, present and future. If God can do that for us, than it's the least we can do for ourselves.

Sorry for the long post, but this one really spoke to me. I'll be praying for you Diana. Feel free to message me if you need someone, but feel more comfortable on here

 

[Lukaris]

Just try to live your life as best you can knowing we need to love God & neighbor ( Matthew 22:36-40) & to treat others by this ( Matthew 7:12). Give what you can in charity ( Matthew 6:1-4) & pray when you can ( Matthew 6:9-13). Keep the Lord’s commandments in mind ( Matthew 19:16-19, Romans 13:8-10).

I am an introvert, have always had anxiety in human relations, & realize my need to examine my conscience in light of the Lord’s commandments ( St. Paul says the fruition of this in 1 Timothy 1:5). I am nowhere, or ever will be, at that point. Still, I know what is necessary from that. The Lord says if we love Him, we will keep His commandments ( John 14:15-18).

I work in a warehouse, collect my wages, save a little, remember the need to give something back, & pay my bills. I don’t mean this to be exalting myself just trying to give a living example & give thanks to God. FWIW,

 

[Emmylouwho]

Wondering if I'm alone in this...it's wonderful how some people can read the Bible or pray then believe and find Jesus and comfort. That's not me though. I've tried all i can think of to believe and find Jesus but i get nothing. I know so much about God, the Bible, the Christian life in my head but not in my heart. Now i know how horrible of a person i am but can't believe. I'm introverted, introspective, reserved, don't love being around people, and tons of other awful traits. I've been afraid of hell and have learned so much about the Christian life - i thought i wanted to go to heaven but maybe i don't with my personality. I wish i was different. I wish i loved God and others. I don't think i could write enough to get anyone to understand my situation. I'm not really looking for a bible verse, or the Gospel - I've heard just about everything and still struggle to believe. I know God chooses some to save but not all. I'm so certain i don't have and never had the Holy Spirit but rather a spirit of fear and confusion. I think I'm a goat and not a sheep. God says to come to Him with childlike faith. I don't have childlike faith - I'm always questioning, hesitant, not trusting Him. Everyone says to look to Jesus but I'm afraid the more i look at Him, the more bitter and irritated I'll get since I'm so rotten and only believe lies. I can't do this on my own- i know i need the Holy Spirit. I know He points us to Jesus and makes Him beautiful to us. Only people have pointed me to Jesus and i never saw the beauty of Jesus. I just don't get it. I know so much about God, life, how i should be and I'm constantly monitoring and evaluating not only every little thing i think, say, do but also what others are saying and doing. I'm in a living nightmare hell. I can't escape my mind, myself. This just consumes me and every day gets worse. I've been OCD, anxious, depressed. I overthink and overanalyze to the extreme.

Wondering if anyone is or has been or knows someone who is or has been in a similar situation as me - knowing God is there and there's heaven and hell but you can't believe. And you realize how awful of a person you are and that you're going to hell. What does one do? Thoughts of killing myself come but then I'm scared to do that. But it's awful to live as a horrible person going to hell. I'm talking to a counselor and psychiatrist and am taking meds. I've already talked to tons of people all about God and i just can't believe. I wish i had that relationship with Jesus. But you can't force it - you can't make yourself believe. I've tried - it's fake, phony. I want the real thing. I'm at a point now - do i keep trying to force something that's maybe not meant to be or do i give up and try to enjoy the little bit of life i have here? It's so difficult and agonizing. It's also so exhausting trying to be something you're not - i feel like I'm going crazy and I'm worse now than before i learned so much about God. I think I've blasphemed the Holy Spirit and I'm so far gone, deep in the lies that there's no hope for me. I'm so aware of all my sins that i feel defeated and can't fight. That I'm swamped in lies and any truth i try to tell myself will be twisted into more lies. I am so messed up.

Just wondering if I'm all alone in this because i sure feel like it. I'm sure there are others like me who can't believe but maybe haven't gone to the extent i have of learning all about God. I could go on and on about the mess i got myself in with all this...i just wish i knew nothing

If you are contemplating suicide, you do need to speak to a professional. Please call 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK in the US, 1-800-448-3000 in Canada, or 116 123 in the UK. You can also text 471471 to reach the US suicide hotline.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Ask Jesus to help you to begin to trust in, live for, and follow Him. Treat Him like a Person who is God, instead of an idea, historical truth, or concept. This might help!

 

[diana092086]

Do you have any hopes? Do you hope God is real? Do you hope you are not condemned? Do you hope all the ills of this life have not only been defeated by Him but one day will all be put right? What do you hope from your Christian learning etc? Why? Because Scripture tells us faith is exhibit in the things we hope for. I hope everything He promised to me/you His Bride are true and trustworthy etc. soon with prayer hope becomes trust and you have faith.

I know God is real so you would think I wouldn't have trouble putting faith in Him. But I just overthink and overanalyze everything, then get confused and doubt. I'm so introverted, introspective, stuck in my head a lot, and really critical of myself. I'm a perfectionist and for as long as I can remember I've felt like I had to perform for God or be on my best behavior. I didn't see Him as a loving Father. I could go on about all that. And I do hope I'm not condemned. And I guess I haven't thought about what I hope to learn from all my Christian learning - initially I went to learn so much because I wanted to know what God wanted from me. I wanted to know what I should be doing. I wanted to alleviate my doubts. I wanted to be sure God was the one, true God and I was believing the right things. Now I know all these things but without Him revealing them to me. I didn't simply believe Him. I don't have childlike faith. I've learned that no one seeks after God - I wasn't. I was looking for information but I don't think I was looking for God. I'm certain I haven't been born again and that I'm without the Holy Spirit. It's just me in my flesh. I think I've ruined any faith because I know so much (I know how the world should be, what I should be doing, what others should be doing). It's just not a simple, childlike faith where I genuinely and sincerely do things from the heart. I do things because I've learned that's what I should do and it's not necessarily something coming from the inside. I can modify my words and actions but the inside hasn't changed. I think I'm in such a confusing mess that if I ever was born again, I would be confused as to whether it was the Holy Spirit or me leading me. I've read it's tragic for those who try to make faith (me). But we should let God give us faith and let Him grow it. I think I've learned too much about the Christian life without being one that I've spoiled myself. I kinda feel like a programmed robot now. Little genuine emotions. Feeling empty, void and like I've run out of hopes, dreams, goals, desires. I'm not the smartest and doubt myself in almost everything. Again, I overthink everything and know I'm just a rotten person with rotten motivations.

I thank you very much for your response. It is very encouraging to read. I just fear there's no chance for me - that I'll always be flesh and never born again. I'm also afraid of deceiving myself and thinking I'm saved when I'm really not. I'm just so confused and afraid. I'm running out of steam.

 

[diana092086]

You need a personal encounter with God, Diana. The Samaritan woman was like you. An encounter with Jesus of Nazareth changed that. You need to meet God. I'll pray that the Lord will reveal Himself to you.

Peace in Christ.

You need a personal encounter with God, Diana. The Samaritan woman was like you. An encounter with Jesus of Nazareth changed that. You need to meet God. I'll pray that the Lord will reveal Himself to you.

Peace in Christ.

I know! That's exactly what I need! I just don't know if I have had an encounter. I doubt it. I think I'm just so blind and deaf. Sometimes I think I might begin to encounter Him but then overthink it or think because I want it, my mind is just playing tricks on me and I'm just imagining it. I fear now that even if I have an encounter with Him, it'll just be my imagination. That I'm only deceived. I really think I'm nearly a lost cause.

 

[diana092086]

It's very evident to me that you do believe Diana. If you did not believe in the existence of God you would not be so afraid and unseated. The turmoil you are in is because it is not enough to believe in God's existence, you must put your life in His hands and be born again.

What we call a believer is not just a believer in God's existence, but a believer in Jesus's promise to save us from our sins, to save us from death. When we call out to God, and admit our sinful nature, as you have done, and ask forgiveness, and for Jesus to come into our life. Then we are a believer in Jesus's promise to save us, and the Holy Spirit dwells within us and begins a regenerative work in our lives, and testifies to our mind and heart that we are children of God.

That's where I struggle. The surrender part. It's so hard for me to give up my life (fear). I'm afraid of what He'll ask of me. I've tried to surrender many times but nothing changes. I really think I'm without the Holy Spirit because He leads into all truth and makes Jesus beautiful to those who will believe. Not my case. When I read the Bible, I see God as an angry taskmaster and that I have to perform for Him. I don't see Jesus as beautiful. I only know that from what others say. Jesus said His sheep hear His voice. I don't think I hear His voice. I read the Bible as if I'm a goat or tare and not His sheep or wheat. I've learned God chooses us - we can't choose Him in our sinful nature. So I think I'm just in my sin without the Holy Spirit bringing me to Christ. I know I need Jesus but I can't bring myself to Him. I'm divided - part of me wants to, but then part of me is fighting. I know I need the Holy Spirit - I need to be born again, regenerated. And I don't think that'll happen for me. That I'm just not one of His chosen.

 

[diana092086]

I couldn't believe that God would want anything to do with me after everything I had done, but that's not true. I had to learn that it isn't what we know, what we read, what we've done or anything that mattered. God wants a personal relationship with us. It doesn't matter how much of the Bible you have memorized (Even Lucifer has the Word memorized). It's just the surrender into the relationship.

And if it's any consolation, take note of the replies. We are complete strangers on the internet. We could have easily spent this time trolling you and making you feel awful for not getting the real meaning of this whole God thing, but because of our Life Changing Relationship with Christ, we all care enough to respond in a genuinely loving way. Because God would do the same for us

Don't be so hard on yourself. Trust me, I know how easy it is to find all the faults in yourself, but I promise you that God cannot see any of them. All He sees is His beautifully made Child. Once we are Saved, God forgives our sins past, present and future. If God can do that for us, than it's the least we can do for ourselves.

Sorry for the long post, but this one really spoke to me. I'll be praying for you Diana. Feel free to message me if you need someone, but feel more comfortable on here [/QUOTE]


Thank you so much for the reply. I struggle with the surrender. I'm afraid of letting go and afraid He'll ask me to do something I can't or don't want to do. Do you know how long I've been in this struggle? So long...I fear it's too late since I haven't surrendered yet. I'm so confused too with the relationship - I've always had to imagine God was there - it takes so much brain power to imagine He's there. I know He's there but it's like He's not really there for me. It's easy for me to talk to humans ( I don't have to think of how they would respond to me, they just do and I can listen). I struggle with God though because I have to imagine what He might say to me. Or it's like there's this big, impenetrable barricade between us. So all that makes me think I'm not His chosen. I just never felt and had any sense or awareness of Him. I only know about Him based on what I've learned on the outside. I've always sensed that I was going to hell though. I think some people just "know" and believe and God. I think I just "know" or believe I'm going to hell. I think I'm just trying to be something I'm not. I'm afraid of trying to brainwash myself into believing I'm a Christian when really I'm not. I could go on and on about all my thoughts and feelings...

 

[Bobber]

Wondering if I'm alone in this...it's wonderful how some people can read the Bible or pray then believe and find Jesus and comfort.

Yes it is. And the same is for you too!

That's not me though.

OK right there....STOP. If there's anything in you that wants it to be for you than you need to start saying IT IS FOR YOU. Jesus didn't come down from heaven to die a horrible death on the cross FOR YOU to have you walk away saying it's not for you!

I've tried all i can think of to believe and find Jesus but i get nothing.

Nope you don't have to go searching, searching, searching for Jesus!

But the righteousness of faith speaks in this way, “Do not say in your heart, ‘Who will ascend into heaven?’ ” (that is, to bring Christ down from above) or, “ ‘Who will descend into the abyss?’ ” (that is, to bring Christ up from the dead). But what does it say? “The word is near you, in your mouth and in your heart” (that is, the word of faith which we preach): that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 10For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.” Roman 10: 6-11

It seems you've heard the gospel. Therefore do what it says....believe and confess the Lordship of Jesus over your life and begin to declare and identity with everyting he says you are IN Christ as found in the NT. You make it seem that Jesus is hiding from you. Not possible.

I know so much about God, the Bible, the Christian life in my head but not in my heart.

OK let it come from your heart starting TODAY! Life is too short to waste it playing games.

Now i know how horrible of a person i am but can't believe.

God said you can believe and he wouldn't tell you to do something you couldn't do. You do understand unbelief is something one needs to repent of? You do understand God says men will be without excuse for not choosing to enter into relationship with God?

I'm introverted, introspective, reserved, don't love being around people,

You and me both! I repented of that though knowing it's God's will for me to be around people, 1) to receive strengthening from them and 2) for me to impart he same to others. But then it comes down to this....are we going to choose to walk in the fear or reverence of God knowing that one day we'll have to give account to him for the lives we lived in the flesh? I choose to take that seriously. How about you? Will you start today?

I wish i loved God and others.

Not loving God is something one needs to repent of too. Why should you not love God? He came to the earth and died for your sins. Do you think that was some small thing? Do you have any friends that would do that for you? He did! So I think you can start today by saying I LOVE GOD!

I know God chooses some to save but not all.

Nope, that's Calvinsitic theology and most of Christendom doesn't believe that. You shouldn't either.

God says to come to Him with childlike faith. I don't have childlike faith - I'm always questioning, hesitant, not trusting Him.

So what really do you want people to tell you here? We all have repented for not walking in childlike faith and choose to do so. Perhaps time for you to do the same and sorry I don't mean to offend you but NO perhaps about it.

I overthink and overanalyze to the extreme.

Yup! Say that's enough of that repent, write down the time and date you have and state I'll now receive God's simple truths like a child.

 

[Bobber]

I struggle with the surrender. I'm afraid of letting go and afraid He'll ask me to do something I can't or don't want to do.

So really though what makes you think you're different than anyone else?
You don't think we're all not prone to be afraid of letting go? You don't think we ALL don't have to consecrate ourselves to the will of God to maybe doing something we don't likewise want to do?

We do it for two reasons....We love God and secondly we choose to walk in the fear or reverence of God. Not fear mind you like one is afraid of a rattle snake but a good fear in KNOWING that God is the ALMIGHTY ONE, one we will have to give account of in the day of judgement! Yes we might pray like Jesus did one time....not my will but yours be done!

Sorry but it seems with everything you're saying that you're claiming you're not willing to pass through the struggles or heart issues that we ALL have to pass through. We do it for it's right to do....we do it for it's good to do....we do it for it's wise to do. It's really that simple. So will you join us in these things TODAY? What will be YOUR CHOICE???

 

[Sanoy]

That's where I struggle. The surrender part. It's so hard for me to give up my life (fear). I'm afraid of what He'll ask of me. I've tried to surrender many times but nothing changes. I really think I'm without the Holy Spirit because He leads into all truth and makes Jesus beautiful to those who will believe. Not my case. When I read the Bible, I see God as an angry taskmaster and that I have to perform for Him. I don't see Jesus as beautiful. I only know that from what others say. Jesus said His sheep hear His voice. I don't think I hear His voice. I read the Bible as if I'm a goat or tare and not His sheep or wheat. I've learned God chooses us - we can't choose Him in our sinful nature. So I think I'm just in my sin without the Holy Spirit bringing me to Christ. I know I need Jesus but I can't bring myself to Him. I'm divided - part of me wants to, but then part of me is fighting. I know I need the Holy Spirit - I need to be born again, regenerated. And I don't think that'll happen for me. That I'm just not one of His chosen.

Me too. Even when you become a Christian you fear what He will ask of you and what you might have to give up, but you also want to do it because you love Him. And God works on you gently, like a loving shepherd, helping you grow into what you should be. We are born again, and emerge as babes, and we grow spiritually into adults. God will ask different things so that we can grow, but only when we are ready.

Jesus died with you, and all others in mind. God does not wish that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance (2 Peter 3:9b). Your struggle here is my struggle, and most of the Christians here. "How can I be this thing I need to be, if the Holy Spirit will not help me be this thing?" I can say that the Holy Spirit has not made me what I should be, but I can look back at where I was and I can see myself changing, I can see the hands preparing me. In you I see the work of the Spirit, I would never see this response from someone whom the Holy Spirit isn't working on. My favorite parable is that of the Pharisee, and the tax collector (Luke 18:9-14). God sees the righteous pharisee and the tax collector go into the synagogue and pray. The righteous Pharisee speaks of all his works, and thanks God that he is not like the tax collector. The Tax collector would not approach or even lift his eyes to heaven. He exploded in repentance, beating his breast and saying God have mercy on me a sinner. And God forgave the tax collector because it is our heart that matters, not our success. God would forgive him the next day, because he is helplessly a tax collector without God's help. Jesus is Gentle and loving.

You say you are divided, which you should not realize apart from the Holy Spirit. Paul talks about this division in Romans 7. I'll quote it below, but let me explain the last part. At the end Pauls says "Who will free me from this body of death". One of the Roman punishments for certain prisoners was to chain a dead body to the prisoner. The dead body would eventually fester and kill the prisoner. That is what Paul imagined the Christian life to be, that our spirit is born again but we carry this old body around with us for the time being, crucifying it to the cross daily that it might war against us. Praying for help against that body is something you will have to pray now, and when you become a Christian. God isn't concerned with this body chained to our spirit, he is concerned with our spirit, which is coming to life in you. He is concerned with what our spirit wants, not what our body wants or does not want.

"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh; for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do. Instead, I keep on doing the evil I do not want to do. And if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So this is the principle I have discovered: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law. But I see another law at work in my body, warring against the law of my mind and holding me captive to the law of sin that dwells within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, with my mind I serve the law of God, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."

 

[Vicky gould]

I couldn't believe that God would want anything to do with me after everything I had done, but that's not true. I had to learn that it isn't what we know, what we read, what we've done or anything that mattered. God wants a personal relationship with us. It doesn't matter how much of the Bible you have memorized (Even Lucifer has the Word memorized). It's just the surrender into the relationship.

And if it's any consolation, take note of the replies. We are complete strangers on the internet. We could have easily spent this time trolling you and making you feel awful for not getting the real meaning of this whole God thing, but because of our Life Changing Relationship with Christ, we all care enough to respond in a genuinely loving way. Because God would do the same for us

Don't be so hard on yourself. Trust me, I know how easy it is to find all the faults in yourself, but I promise you that God cannot see any of them. All He sees is His beautifully made Child. Once we are Saved, God forgives our sins past, present and future. If God can do that for us, than it's the least we can do for ourselves.

Sorry for the long post, but this one really spoke to me. I'll be praying for you Diana. Feel free to message me if you need someone, but feel more comfortable on here

Thank you so much for the reply. I struggle with the surrender. I'm afraid of letting go and afraid He'll ask me to do something I can't or don't want to do. Do you know how long I've been in this struggle? So long...I fear it's too late since I haven't surrendered yet. I'm so confused too with the relationship - I've always had to imagine God was there - it takes so much brain power to imagine He's there. I know He's there but it's like He's not really there for me. It's easy for me to talk to humans ( I don't have to think of how they would respond to me, they just do and I can listen). I struggle with God though because I have to imagine what He might say to me. Or it's like there's this big, impenetrable barricade between us. So all that makes me think I'm not His chosen. I just never felt and had any sense or awareness of Him. I only know about Him based on what I've learned on the outside. I've always sensed that I was going to hell though. I think some people just "know" and believe and God. I think I just "know" or believe I'm going to hell. I think I'm just trying to be something I'm not. I'm afraid of trying to brainwash myself into believing I'm a Christian when really I'm not. I could go on and on about all my thoughts and feelings...[/QUOTE]

Please don’t take offense but what I am hearing is that you believe but you are far from a perfect believer. You want to be a better believer and you feel like it maybe to late to become that believer. Okay so let’s go with being the.believer you, and me, got in our head, serving thr Lord in Africa or the inner city etc, etc. I can’t speak for you but it’s too late for me I do know that. Even when I was doing those things early in my life I missed the mark, sinning in Scripture you already know, so much in my life I knew I could not be saved let alone a perfect Christian. I felt I should not even go in the church. Then The Lord told me that I didn’t, couldn’t be perfect because it’s an exclusive club of one, the Lord. I still couldn’t believe it and then it happened, promise not to be offended?, I came to the portion of Scripture where I was told I wasn’t alone as an imperfect Christian. I wasn’t. A hand or foot or an unmentionable part of the Body of Christ in this world. I wanted to get up and dance and sing but settled for a hostess cupcake.

It’s important that even though I am an unmentionable I am like you know I should be better but I love Him. Think for a minute about the Lord’s time on the cross. Two thieves one on each side of Him. Both thieves cursing the Lord. After awhile one of the thieves continues to curse the Lord while the the other thief stops cursing. Hanging three soles spending the last hours of their lives in sheer agony. One of those men is the Lord God Almighty and the other two lowly thieves. One thief goes into eternity cursing God. The other thief no confession, no contrition, etc. The Lord does not save men based on their worthy ness He saves based on His mercy and faithfulness even to us unmentionab

Right now you are the prodigal and you left the but when you return the Lord runs to you and the celebration begins.

Go to church and sing and hear what is said and just ask your Lord to come into you heart and He will it probably is/ nnot going to take place right away. This is the time Satan rushes in and tells us we are unworthy of the Lord and it maybe the only true thing He says. because we are not worthy and He still died for us and still wants to be your Husband and you His Bride.

Do you compare your insides to other people’s outsideS? We usually lose that one and we have given Satan lots of fuell to use against us. Okay your screwed up join the club. The apostle wrote towards the end of His life. After being used by the Lord to write the majority of the New Testament said “I am the chief of sinners.” Not was the chief of sinners is the chief of sinners? How would some of the Body act having the chief of sinners in their church? Some would ask Paul to leave. Others you will find have the heart of Christ and you will fill His love through them. Continue going and pray for your heart to be turned.. slowly unexphectly He hs

 

[ajcarey]

Bobber has really given you good advice and exhortation. You have not tried everything because God says in His Word "And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:13) We cannot force a relationship with God on our own terms, but we can AND MUST do all we can to meet God on His terms. Look at the language Scripture uses about the true repentance and faith which God expects us to exercise and demonstrate before Him:

Hebrews 11:6-7: "6 But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him. 7 By faith Noah, being warned of God of things not seen as yet, moved with fear, prepared an ark to the saving of his house; by the which he condemned the world, and became heir of the righteousness which is by faith."

Luke 3:7-8: "7 Then said he to the multitude that came forth to be baptized of him, O generation of vipers, who hath warned you to flee from the wrath to come?
8 Bring forth therefore fruits worthy of repentance, and begin not to say within yourselves, We have Abraham to our father: for I say unto you, That God is able of these stones to raise up children unto Abraham."

Hebrews 6:16-18: "16 For men verily swear by the greater: and an oath for confirmation is to them an end of all strife. 17 Wherein God, willing more abundantly to shew unto the heirs of promise the immutability of his counsel, confirmed it by an oath: 18 That by two immutable things, in which it was impossible for God to lie, we might have a strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold upon the hope set before us"

You need to understand that if you set your face upon doing whatever you need to do to come in line with God and that you're not going to withhold anything in your life from Him, then you are not a hypocrite. There is not a person on earth who does not have to strive against their natural feelings, inclinations, and fears to do this. To consider yourself a loser or too bad to believe that Christ's redemption could ever be available to you is not rooted in humility, since you are actually then thinking something incredible and exceptional about yourself which is not rooted in reality. It might be easy to believe like that due to your past or your circumstances or some other reason, but God isn't restrained from helping you and making you a joyful, victorious Christian due to these things. Don't limit His incomprehensible power. The Bible even says in 2 Corinthians chapter 12 that His strength is made perfect in weakness. You CAN believe His promise of eternal life in Christ, fall under His rule, and have peace with Him. He has made the invitation and invites you. There is simply no good reason you cannot come to Him and wash your robes white in the blood of the Lamb. He is waiting on you; and as sure as God can neither lie nor show respect of persons you will not be able on Judgment Day to tell Him that you did not become His redeemed servant who obtained His grace because He failed to choose you and offer you salvation nor because you had done everything in your power to seek Him and follow Him, yet His promises failed you. God forbid. He has chosen all who will choose to be among His Son's subjects in confidence that He will wash them by His precious blood and make them alive to do His will by His Holy Spirit. You can choose to say yes to Him, to repent of all attachments to sin, to repent of thinking His grace isn't sufficient in your weakness, to repent of believing that His love would be beyond you when He says it's actually within reach, and to renounce anything and everything which would keep you from or cause you to doubt His gracious promise: "28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)