- Dec 13, 2015
- 5,229
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- Faith
- Calvinist
- Marital Status
- Married
I've had panic disorder since I was about seven years old (I'm 34 now). I think what started it was my dad started physically and verbally abusing me at that age but, no doctor has ever confirmed it. Mainly because as a Child I didn't seek help or say anything to anyone. I didn't tell virtually anyone anything until I was well into my late 20's. My father physically abused for over 20 years before I finally was smart and left my parents house and lived on my own. Now we get along because I'm not near him when he's chugging on a bottle of whiskey and half passing out on the couch. But anyway, at the age of around 11 or so I used to get frequent chronic panic attacks when I was around my father or when he was hitting or verbally abusing me. I didn't know what they were at the time because I was a child up until a teenager. I didn't find out they were panic attacks until I was about 20 or 21 or so. Anyway, I used to get really bad panic attacks around my father and he would make them worse by hitting me harder for faking my inability to breathe and my what I found out later was a fight or flight response. I would just get this feeling or running away from him and he'd grab me from behind so I tried to learn not to listen to that.
I still get panic attacks quite frequently, especially when I'm in a manic or psychotic episode (I've had schizophrenia since I was born and later learned I was bipolar about a year before I moved out of my parents house. It was 2011 anyway.) but,
I've tried just about every calming technique under the sun, every medication pretty much, and I've been praying almost nonstop to God to keep me safe and calm. But, they never happen. It's like there's no cure for this frequent disease. As a Christian I should fear nothing like all the other Christians because God is in control over my life. But, it doesn't matter how much I try to rely on Jesus and God I just can't stop worrying about stuff days, weeks and months before they actually happen. I just can't stop all the stress and anxiety in my everyday life that happens now that I'm married and living on my own. Being married is a huge responsibility and when I have to try to feed my wife, myself, and my dog on basically nothing while always giving money to charity and trying to obey what God is telling me to do each and everyday of my life.... It's just hard. It's overwhelming and suffocating.
I mean I had a colonoscopy yesterday, I prayed virtually nonstop for gave my concerns to God and I still was anxious all the way there and I thought I was calm when I finally got there and was in bed watching TV trying to ignore my problems .But, what was good yesterday was that I was calm inside I guess, but I could hear what my heart was doing inside when they hooked me up to all the vitals when they finally after nearly 3 hours got to my surgery. It was beating way faster than I could have ever imagined. The surgeon there asked if I was nervous and I without thinking said "Yeah" and he's like "Don't be."
Probably because my heart beating that fast would give me a heart attack. I don't even want to know how fast my heart is in my daily life but, I just can't stop and it's just suffocating. I'm suffocating even now just typing this thing. I mean I probably calmed down fully once they put me to sleep and loaded me on Ativan to calm me down. But, that can't always be the solution to my problems. Ativan helps? But, it takes a very large dose and it's supposed to be a temporary medicine and solution not a permanent solution. But, my psychiatrist has tried me on probably over 15 anti anxiety medications last year and none of them worked even the slightest but Ativan. And of course because I'm mentally ill in multiple ways I worry and obsess about getting addicted to Ativan. But, if it's a permanent help and solution I guess it doesn't really matter if I'm addicted to it.
I... don't know... I've tried everything and this is not how it's supposed to be for a Christian that has Jesus. I know I have Jesus, I know where I'm going in more ways than one. But I can't help but worry about that too. I... just... can't.... stop and it's going to KILL me!
I know, we all die someday. God has a day planned for our death. But God also keeps every Christian calm and I'm off the wall 99% of the day everyday for almost 30 years now. I just don't know what to do and the more I talk to God the more anxious and suffocated I become. All I can do is pray to God and maybe talk about my problems to other people. But, as many people, doctors, mental hospitals, and crisis centers have learned over the years, there is NO calming me down. Which of course makes my mania and psychosis worse to where my manic and psychotic episodes aren't just lasting months now, they're lasting years. Eventually I'm going to be put in a darned mental hospital PERMANENTLY. I just have that feeling, and it'll never go away. None of this will ever go away or stop. I know we're supposed to suffer but this is ridiculous!
I still get panic attacks quite frequently, especially when I'm in a manic or psychotic episode (I've had schizophrenia since I was born and later learned I was bipolar about a year before I moved out of my parents house. It was 2011 anyway.) but,
I've tried just about every calming technique under the sun, every medication pretty much, and I've been praying almost nonstop to God to keep me safe and calm. But, they never happen. It's like there's no cure for this frequent disease. As a Christian I should fear nothing like all the other Christians because God is in control over my life. But, it doesn't matter how much I try to rely on Jesus and God I just can't stop worrying about stuff days, weeks and months before they actually happen. I just can't stop all the stress and anxiety in my everyday life that happens now that I'm married and living on my own. Being married is a huge responsibility and when I have to try to feed my wife, myself, and my dog on basically nothing while always giving money to charity and trying to obey what God is telling me to do each and everyday of my life.... It's just hard. It's overwhelming and suffocating.
I mean I had a colonoscopy yesterday, I prayed virtually nonstop for gave my concerns to God and I still was anxious all the way there and I thought I was calm when I finally got there and was in bed watching TV trying to ignore my problems .But, what was good yesterday was that I was calm inside I guess, but I could hear what my heart was doing inside when they hooked me up to all the vitals when they finally after nearly 3 hours got to my surgery. It was beating way faster than I could have ever imagined. The surgeon there asked if I was nervous and I without thinking said "Yeah" and he's like "Don't be."
Probably because my heart beating that fast would give me a heart attack. I don't even want to know how fast my heart is in my daily life but, I just can't stop and it's just suffocating. I'm suffocating even now just typing this thing. I mean I probably calmed down fully once they put me to sleep and loaded me on Ativan to calm me down. But, that can't always be the solution to my problems. Ativan helps? But, it takes a very large dose and it's supposed to be a temporary medicine and solution not a permanent solution. But, my psychiatrist has tried me on probably over 15 anti anxiety medications last year and none of them worked even the slightest but Ativan. And of course because I'm mentally ill in multiple ways I worry and obsess about getting addicted to Ativan. But, if it's a permanent help and solution I guess it doesn't really matter if I'm addicted to it.
I... don't know... I've tried everything and this is not how it's supposed to be for a Christian that has Jesus. I know I have Jesus, I know where I'm going in more ways than one. But I can't help but worry about that too. I... just... can't.... stop and it's going to KILL me!
I know, we all die someday. God has a day planned for our death. But God also keeps every Christian calm and I'm off the wall 99% of the day everyday for almost 30 years now. I just don't know what to do and the more I talk to God the more anxious and suffocated I become. All I can do is pray to God and maybe talk about my problems to other people. But, as many people, doctors, mental hospitals, and crisis centers have learned over the years, there is NO calming me down. Which of course makes my mania and psychosis worse to where my manic and psychotic episodes aren't just lasting months now, they're lasting years. Eventually I'm going to be put in a darned mental hospital PERMANENTLY. I just have that feeling, and it'll never go away. None of this will ever go away or stop. I know we're supposed to suffer but this is ridiculous!