- Aug 3, 2018
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I posted this in another thread but am hoping I can reach people here who have experienced alcoholism firsthand or through a family member.
My husband and I have been married almost 13 years. We have both been married before. He has three grown sons from his first marriage. His drinking has been an issue since we married. I am also an alcoholic. I have been sober for almost four years. He has go back and forth. Recently he began drinking again. He did it on the sly, and I noticed and later (when he was sober) called him on it. He minimized it and said it has only happened a few times and he does not need AA or want to go back to it.
A few years ago, we got into a car accident and he got a DUI. I did not know he had been drinking when I got into the car. As a result of this accident (and a lot of other stuff that happened), I moved out for a few months. He got sober and agreed to that our marriage cannot survive if either of us drinks. Besides the obvious issues, for us alcohol is a sin that separates us from Christ. It opens the door to a bunch of other sinful behavior.
I am not sure how long he actually stayed sober, because he does not tell my the truth about his drinking. Last summer we moved to a new state and he began a new job. He admitted he drank when he got to the new town. (I was still at our home trying to sell our house so I didn't join him for a month). Long story short, I asked him if he would agree to go to counseling with the pastor at our new church. He agreed. He met with him by himself a few weeks ago. Yesterday we met with the pastor together.
Overall, the meeting was ok although it didn't start very well. The pastor began by asking me is there was physical abuse in my childhood (there was emotional abuse but not really physical beyond the occasional drunken slap). He asked the same about my marriage. Again, it's more emotional/verbal, not physical. I said no, and he said then I have no biblical basis for divorce.
I had not said I wanted a divorce, nor do I, so I'm not sure why he led with this unless my husband mentioned it in their previous one-on-one session. Anyway, the pastor spent the rest of the time describing the husband and wife roles as described in scripture. He told my husband to stop drinking and to not bring alcohol into our home, including being under the influence. He told him to love me and be the leader of the home.
The pastor told me I need to commit to my husband that I will not divorce him no matter what, because one of our trust issues is that my husband fears I will leave. The pastor said I need to fully commit to the marriage, meaning divorce is not an option, and I need to submit to my husband and respect him (if I intend to follow Christ).
I understand what the pastor is saying--and I absolutely want to follow Christ and fulfill my Biblical role as a wife. However, I do not want to enable my husband or give him tacit approval to drink with impunity. I told this to the pastor and also mentioned that when I left my husband a few years ago, he got sober. He later told me that if I hadn't have left, he would've kept drinking.
I know I am as sick as my husband because I've been affected by his alcoholism and my parents throughout my childhood. I also realize I am a sinner whose only redemption is through Jesus Christ, and I need to show compassion and support to my husband. But I am worried that the pastor minimized the impact my husband's alcoholism has had on our marriage. In fact, I'm not sure he understands alcoholism at all (although he said his brother was an alcoholic).
I do not want to go back to Alanon because some of the women there have left their husbands. I don't know if they are Christians, but I don't want to be influenced by them to sin. Having said that, I was getting a lot of support there. When I went to the meetings, I didn't feel as hopeless and alone. I also have serious codependency traits due to growing up in an alcoholic home. I know I am part of the problem; it is not just my husband.
I have been praying so much about this, reading the Word, listening to sermons and just trying to connect with God. I honestly don't know where He is taking me with all of this, but some days I feel like I can't take much more. Today I was driving down the highway and I had this thought of just turning the wheel a little and driving into the barricade. I wouldn't be hurting anyone else. I just feel so tired and defeated.
I don't want to be a victim. I realize I probably sound that way, but I don't think of it like that. I am trying to honor my marriage and love my husband, despite his illness, weaknesses. I certainly have enough of my own.
If there are any women out there who have been in a similar situation and could PM me, I would appreciate it very much. I feel so very stressed and alone. I don't know where to turn. I am about to start with a new counselor next week. But I would also really appreciate the perspective of Christian women who have been through something similar.
My husband and I have been married almost 13 years. We have both been married before. He has three grown sons from his first marriage. His drinking has been an issue since we married. I am also an alcoholic. I have been sober for almost four years. He has go back and forth. Recently he began drinking again. He did it on the sly, and I noticed and later (when he was sober) called him on it. He minimized it and said it has only happened a few times and he does not need AA or want to go back to it.
A few years ago, we got into a car accident and he got a DUI. I did not know he had been drinking when I got into the car. As a result of this accident (and a lot of other stuff that happened), I moved out for a few months. He got sober and agreed to that our marriage cannot survive if either of us drinks. Besides the obvious issues, for us alcohol is a sin that separates us from Christ. It opens the door to a bunch of other sinful behavior.
I am not sure how long he actually stayed sober, because he does not tell my the truth about his drinking. Last summer we moved to a new state and he began a new job. He admitted he drank when he got to the new town. (I was still at our home trying to sell our house so I didn't join him for a month). Long story short, I asked him if he would agree to go to counseling with the pastor at our new church. He agreed. He met with him by himself a few weeks ago. Yesterday we met with the pastor together.
Overall, the meeting was ok although it didn't start very well. The pastor began by asking me is there was physical abuse in my childhood (there was emotional abuse but not really physical beyond the occasional drunken slap). He asked the same about my marriage. Again, it's more emotional/verbal, not physical. I said no, and he said then I have no biblical basis for divorce.
I had not said I wanted a divorce, nor do I, so I'm not sure why he led with this unless my husband mentioned it in their previous one-on-one session. Anyway, the pastor spent the rest of the time describing the husband and wife roles as described in scripture. He told my husband to stop drinking and to not bring alcohol into our home, including being under the influence. He told him to love me and be the leader of the home.
The pastor told me I need to commit to my husband that I will not divorce him no matter what, because one of our trust issues is that my husband fears I will leave. The pastor said I need to fully commit to the marriage, meaning divorce is not an option, and I need to submit to my husband and respect him (if I intend to follow Christ).
I understand what the pastor is saying--and I absolutely want to follow Christ and fulfill my Biblical role as a wife. However, I do not want to enable my husband or give him tacit approval to drink with impunity. I told this to the pastor and also mentioned that when I left my husband a few years ago, he got sober. He later told me that if I hadn't have left, he would've kept drinking.
I know I am as sick as my husband because I've been affected by his alcoholism and my parents throughout my childhood. I also realize I am a sinner whose only redemption is through Jesus Christ, and I need to show compassion and support to my husband. But I am worried that the pastor minimized the impact my husband's alcoholism has had on our marriage. In fact, I'm not sure he understands alcoholism at all (although he said his brother was an alcoholic).
I do not want to go back to Alanon because some of the women there have left their husbands. I don't know if they are Christians, but I don't want to be influenced by them to sin. Having said that, I was getting a lot of support there. When I went to the meetings, I didn't feel as hopeless and alone. I also have serious codependency traits due to growing up in an alcoholic home. I know I am part of the problem; it is not just my husband.
I have been praying so much about this, reading the Word, listening to sermons and just trying to connect with God. I honestly don't know where He is taking me with all of this, but some days I feel like I can't take much more. Today I was driving down the highway and I had this thought of just turning the wheel a little and driving into the barricade. I wouldn't be hurting anyone else. I just feel so tired and defeated.
I don't want to be a victim. I realize I probably sound that way, but I don't think of it like that. I am trying to honor my marriage and love my husband, despite his illness, weaknesses. I certainly have enough of my own.
If there are any women out there who have been in a similar situation and could PM me, I would appreciate it very much. I feel so very stressed and alone. I don't know where to turn. I am about to start with a new counselor next week. But I would also really appreciate the perspective of Christian women who have been through something similar.