Agnostic/Christian couple - how can it work?

[anima]

Hi everyone,

I am 26 year old Scandinavian guy. Recently I have met the woman of my dreams - she is everything I've ever dreamed of (and ever could have dreamed of). We are madly in love and the last few months we have discovered how much we have in common: everything (!)... well, everything except faith.

She is South-American, a Baptist, a devout believer and her faith plays a very big role in her life. I, on the other hand, am like most Scandinavians: Christian by culture, but not much else. I consider myself agnostic, but I rarely contemplate God, if he's real or not. Faith is just not a big part of my life.

Since I want this relationship to last more than anything, I don't want our different views to be a problem. However, tonight I have read quite a few Christian forums and have become a little dishearted. I see many Christians feel that if a Christian dates a non-Christian, it will only weaken their relationship with God.

I have recently started reading the Bible again and reading anything I can find about the Baptists - I simply want to know everything about her and her beliefs. In fact, her belief is one of the things I love about her. She is a very positive and a happy person and it has become clear through our conversations that her religion has a big part to play in that happiness.

I am a good man and I want to be a good husband and father. I respect my girlfriend, her faith, her values and I wouldn't change anything about her, even if I could. I will support her in whatever direction she wants to go, spiritually, career-wise or otherwise.

When I was 18 I started going out with a Catholic girl. That relationship lasted 3 years and I never felt religion was a problem. Now I'm older and very serious about this new relationship. Her parents won't allow her to move in with a guy unless she marries him. Considering that she is 25, financially independent and extremely intelligent, this would be considered most unusual where I come from, but I completely respect her parents wish and her culture. I just want this to work!

I am in a place where I want to develop my spiritual side more. I would love to go to church with her, discuss religion, be part of her community... but I don't really see myself becoming Christian. She knows my views and it's the only thing she seems a little concerned about.


I guess what I want to know are things like these:
- how big a problem can our different views pose?
- what can I do turn this into something positive?
- does it seem like a good idea to involve myself in her community and study Christianity or should I leave her alone in this area of her life?
- what kind of problems could arrise should we have children together?
- is there anything I should know about the Baptists in particular?
- are there any sites for "religiously mixed" couples?


Pretty big questions, I know, so all comments are sincerely welcome.

 

[Elenmar]

- how big a problem can our different views pose?

It depends... talk about it. It differs with every person. Some people find it a problem, some people don't consider it a problem.

I am in a place where I want to develop my spiritual side more. I would love to go to church with her, discuss religion, be part of her community...

I know how you feel, this happened to me recently. In fact, very recently. My best friend and I get along in almost every aspect, except for Christianity. All I can say is, I think your girlfriend would be happy to know that you're so enthusiastic about trying, and so if you haven't already, just be sure to let her know you are trying.

but I don't really see myself becoming Christian. She knows my views and it's the only thing she seems a little concerned about.

While you feel that way now, give yourself some time... That's how I felt also; I was agnostic too. I've been trying and I find that everyday I believe and understand a little more. Coming to this forum and reading (re-reading for you I suppose) has helped me. If I were her, I'd already be happy that you're so willing to try. And after you've tried and given yourself time, and you still feel the same, then... so let it be. There is only so much up to a point where effort counts in this. The final answer cannot be based on how much you want to or how much you care. It's whether you believe, or you do not.

You say:

I am a good man and I want to be a good husband and father. I respect my girlfriend, her faith, her values and I wouldn't change anything about her, even if I could. I will support her in whatever direction she wants to go, spiritually, career-wise or otherwise.

I think if you can do this for her, it's not too much to ask for her to do this for you too. Especially after you tried your best. I think most of us rarely think about it the other way. Have you thought about it another way... We immediately think of what we can do to change ourselves, but if she cannot understand, ask her to think of it as if you had asked her to stop believing in God.

- what kind of problems could arrise should we have children together?

I think... I've been told by many people that just because children were born in a Christian family doesn't assure them being Christian. They still have to decide for themselves. In fact, that would be exactly your case wouldn't it?

Upon further consideration... I realize I'm not qualified to give advice since in the same situation as you, I'm feeling just as stuck. But since you said:

Pretty big questions, I know, so all comments are sincerely welcome.

That convinced me to offer my opinion.

I hope this helped a little and I hope more people comment on your thread. It's such a common situation that I'm sure many people have worthy things to say.

 

[Serapha]

Hi everyone,

I am 26 year old Scandinavian guy. Recently I have met the woman of my dreams - she is everything I've ever dreamed of (and ever could have dreamed of). We are madly in love and the last few months we have discovered how much we have in common: everything (!)... well, everything except faith.

She is South-American, a Baptist, a devout believer and her faith plays a very big role in her life. I, on the other hand, am like most Scandinavians: Christian by culture, but not much else. I consider myself agnostic, but I rarely contemplate God, if he's real or not. Faith is just not a big part of my life.

Since I want this relationship to last more than anything, I don't want our different views to be a problem. However, tonight I have read quite a few Christian forums and have become a little dishearted. I see many Christians feel that if a Christian dates a non-Christian, it will only weaken their relationship with God.

I have recently started reading the Bible again and reading anything I can find about the Baptists - I simply want to know everything about her and her beliefs. In fact, her belief is one of the things I love about her. She is a very positive and a happy person and it has become clear through our conversations that her religion has a big part to play in that happiness.

I am a good man and I want to be a good husband and father. I respect my girlfriend, her faith, her values and I wouldn't change anything about her, even if I could. I will support her in whatever direction she wants to go, spiritually, career-wise or otherwise.

When I was 18 I started going out with a Catholic girl. That relationship lasted 3 years and I never felt religion was a problem. Now I'm older and very serious about this new relationship. Her parents won't allow her to move in with a guy unless she marries him. Considering that she is 25, financially independent and extremely intelligent, this would be considered most unusual where I come from, but I completely respect her parents wish and her culture. I just want this to work!

I am in a place where I want to develop my spiritual side more. I would love to go to church with her, discuss religion, be part of her community... but I don't really see myself becoming Christian. She knows my views and it's the only thing she seems a little concerned about.


I guess what I want to know are things like these:
- how big a problem can our different views pose?
- what can I do turn this into something positive?
- does it seem like a good idea to involve myself in her community and study Christianity or should I leave her alone in this area of her life?
- what kind of problems could arrise should we have children together?
- is there anything I should know about the Baptists in particular?
- are there any sites for "religiously mixed" couples?


Pretty big questions, I know, so all comments are sincerely welcome.

Hi there!




If you are looking for a serious commitment, then there will be a major problem down the road. Her position in the marriage will be the one of spiritual leadership, whereas God designed marriage with the man in the position of spiritual leadership, and the wife to be fulfilling her own role.

It is "wonderful" that you describe that what you like about her is, in fact, her Christian walk. I will be praying that you like that walk well enough to want the same thing for yourself.


~serapha~

 

[anima]

Thank you to the both of you for taking the time to share your views with me - I really appreciate it.

Elenmar, the main thing I got out of your reply was that I should really talk this through with her in even more depth - particularly let her know what I am willing to do for her and us.


Serapha wrote:

God designed marriage with the man in the position of spiritual leadership, and the wife to be fulfilling her own role.

Well, if I were to develop my spirituality in another direction than Christianity, this could strictly speaking still be possible, right?

What is the source of this information? Would the rest of you Christians agree with this?

 

[Elenmar]

You're welcome. Hope everything goes well.

 

[Blessed-one]

Well, if I were to develop my spirituality in another direction than Christianity

christianity only acknowledges one God, and we believe our only way to reconcile with God is through Jesus, no where else. My mother is christian but my dad isn't. At first there didn't seems to be much of a problem, but the problems emerge later.. such as mom taking us to church on sunday morning while dad stays at home; and how sometimes we do not agree with each other so and so. Now mom feels like she isn't in as good a relationship with dad because she's goes to church on sunday while he goes bushwalking, and she's getting the message that he thinks she doesn't want to go bushwalking with him.

if you were serious in loving her, you might be serious in getting to know about christianity as well, which you have stated if i did not interpret it wrongly.

I am in a place where I want to develop my spiritual side more. I would love to go to church with her, discuss religion, be part of her community... but I don't really see myself becoming Christian. She knows my views and it's the only thing she seems a little concerned about.

i guess you should take it one step at a time. Right now, you said you want to know more of her belief, then by all means, read the bible with her and ask her questions. Don't be afraid to ask questions, they are signs of healthiness. And perhaps, as you know more, you'll come to a conclusion about christianity, regardless of how long it takes..

yeah, one step at a time, and never stop loving, then you'll be fine.

and the God she, we believe in, IS a God of love after all.

 

[Buttermilk]

Hi there!




If you are looking for a serious commitment, then there will be a major problem down the road. Her position in the marriage will be the one of spiritual leadership, whereas God designed marriage with the man in the position of spiritual leadership, and the wife to be fulfilling her own role.


~serapha~

It is not a problem. I know of many families where the female members go to church while the male members do not. It is not an issue, but boils down to respect coming from both sides.

 

[anima]

Thanks for all the replies. I don't know exactly where this will take me, but I apprecaite you all for wanting to assist me in taking these steps along my path.

Last night I was invited to come along for an easter sermon at my girlfriend's church. It was a really good experience, people were so kind, the singing was beautiful... it was moving. I can see myself going there every week with her.

Afterwards I got to meet her parents for the first time which also went really well.

At night I spoke to her about the things discussed in this thread. I put particular emphasis on that I was really thankful that she had invited me, I really wanted to learn everything about her faith. I said that I didn't want her to hold anything back concerning religion, that she could feel free to discuss everything with me. Just because we don't see things in exactly the same way, doesn't mean that I would judge her in any way - I wouldn't, I completely respect and also admire her faith. I just want to get closer to her, and I specifically told her that I want our relationship to be a support in her faith, not take her away from her spiritual path.

And her reaction? She was so happy! She said it meant everything to her, and that she was happy and glad to be able to take me to her church and to discuss religion with me.

It seemed like I had "pushed exactly the right button". All in all, the experience and conversation was really a bonding experience for us. I love her even more now and feel even more certain she is right for me. I guess that ahead of me lies a long path of learning, respect, loving and sharing. I don't think it will only be easy, but I must say that have more optimism now than when I posted my original post.

Again, thank you all for taking the time to write your views. If it hadn't been for this discussion, maybe I wouldn't have realised how I should and could approach this issue with my girlfriend.



Much love to you all!

 

[Risen Tree]

First of all, I want to give you a pat on the back for having the courage to discuss these issues on an overtly Christian forum. That is not an easy step to take.

- how big a problem can our different views pose?

During the initial excitement phase, differences are largely ignored; you're in love, and that's all that seems to matter. However, once the relationship evolves into a more mature phase, fundamental differences become very real, and how they are dealt with can make or break the friendship.

Your decision to confront this issue right away is a wise one.

- what can I do turn this into something positive?

You're already doing it: taking care of business while you still have time. Don't be alarmed if she attempts to witness to you; her intents are benevolent. However, you do have a right to your opinion when the conversation comes up. Feel free to disagree with her, but don't put her off just for the sake of keeping your distance from views that are not your own.

- does it seem like a good idea to involve myself in her community and study Christianity or should I leave her alone in this area of her life?

If your curious as to what Christianity is all about, it just might. Don't force yourself into this, however. Just take baby steps--say, accompany her activities once every month, then once every other week, then once a week, etc.

- what kind of problems could arrise should we have children together?

Powerful question. Your future kids would become very curious as to why Mommy goes to church but Daddy doesn't. Why Mommy says that we can see God in all things but Daddy says you can't know for sure if God is there. Etc. This is when serious problems would begin to emerge.

- is there anything I should know about the Baptists in particular?

oh wait, you said Baptists, not Southern Baptists. lol. Anyway, their only major difference is that they believe that new Christians should be completely immersed in water as a symbol of their new faith.

- are there any sites for "religiously mixed" couples?

I don't know of any, but I'm sure they're there.

Pretty big questions, I know, so all comments are sincerely welcome.

Welcome to CF, my friend.

 

[pieman3141]

Once I want this relationship to last more than anything, I don't want our different views to be a problem. However, tonight I have read quite a few Christian forums and have become a little dishearted. I see many Christians feel that if a Christian dates a non-Christian, it will only weaken their relationship with God.

WRONG! This may even strengthen a relationship with God, towing you along. Although it's frowned upon by a few Christians, or churches, or whatever, if God wants her to marry you, He will make it work.

Harshness = ON (Don't flame me). *Pieman dons flameproof suit anyways*

If God doesn't want you two to marry, but you do anyways, God still will give you other plans for the marriage to work. Divorce is generally worse.

Harshness = OFF

 

[ThePhoenix]

God's will cannot not be done. Follow your heart and your instinct, and don't worry too much. I was an hardcore atheist for a while, before I reevaluated my positions on a lot of things (it was a realization that a lot of my positions were reactionary, instead of well thought out). God gave you the gift of love, a gift he gives everyone who opens their heart to receive it. Accept his gifts and thank him for them.

 

[LibertyChic]

Make sure that you go into this relationship with both eyes WIDE open. When my husband and I married, we were both evangelical/fundamental Christians. I have since deconverted, and we finally had our first really big 'talk' about it last night. To put it mildly, he is distraught and cannot see how we will overcome these hurdles others have mentioned in this thread. He is especially concerned about how I will talk to the children and how they will be raised.

Personally, I am of the mind that we can work around it. But judging from his reaction last night, now I'm not so sure. As Rising Tree already mentioned, it's easy to overlook these things when you are "new in love." But at some point, there must be a very serious discussion on how things will be handled. What if you go to church with her for several years and then decide that it just isn't for you? Will that be ok with her? How will you raise the children? In which faith, if any? How will in-laws/extended family take all the ramifications?

I would say, continue in your relationship with her, but don't jump into marriage right away.

Good luck to you and your lady. I'm rooting for ya.

LC

 

[Serapha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by: Serapha

Hi there!




If you are looking for a serious commitment, then there will be a major problem down the road. Her position in the marriage will be the one of spiritual leadership, whereas God designed marriage with the man in the position of spiritual leadership, and the wife to be fulfilling her own role.


~serapha~

It is not a problem. I know of many families where the female members go to church while the male members do not. It is not an issue, but boils down to respect coming from both sides.

HI there!


I beg to differ with you... if a spouse is not in church it had better be an issue for the member who IS in church.


and it isn't about respect, but about loving the person enough to CARE about their salvation. God gave a plan for marriage and instructions on how to get to that point. If you are supporting the woman as the spiritual head of a household and basing that theology on "respect" I refer you to biblical teachings concerning marriage and the roles of both husbands and wives.



~serapha~