Hi, new to this forum. Relevant background is my spouse and I have been together for about 20 years, same religion, and argue very little in general as we agree on most things. But the world events right now have us seriously arguing at times. In my opinion we can avoid certain topics and I have requested we do so many times but my spouse will not. It often ends with me saying I'm done talking about it as it isn't relevant and walking away, which just makes my spouse angrier. It has me seeing my spouse in a different way and I'm quite sure my spouse feels the same at least somewhat. I don't want to damage our relationship over just stupid life things that happen out of our control, but it is hard to avoid the things going on in thr world right now. I hope that is enough info but I do not want to get too detailed if possible.
Advice on disagreement
- Thread starter MaybeItsMe
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- Apr 15, 2007
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Welcome! I would say you're doing the right thing by trying to avoid conflict. I'd just be clear with them that you do not wish to fight as that is what the topics do, that you love them and do not want to damage the relationship, that you do not judge them because of their differing opinions and you love them just as much as you always have, differences and all.
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Thank you. I am trying but it is hard sometimes☹ I guess that's just life. I have even said, as you suggested, that talking about things we don't agree on that don't have a big impact on us is unnecessary and only hurts us, so why talk about something that would just make us both angry and solve nothing?
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- Jun 25, 2018
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My husband and I actually have enjoyed debating political topics together, always more fun when we disagree but I do understand those who don't particularly like debate too. I myself have avoided politics a lot lately as the world to me just seems mad, and my husband understands that too and has been giving me the space I need.
Seems to me you need the same understanding from your husband (or wife), I'd just tell him (or her) that politics in general is too upsetting anymore and you need not to discuss it, asking for his (or her) understanding on the matter.
When you couple that discussion with retreating to another room when the news is on, closing the door behind you, eventually he (or she) should get the point.
Otherwise, do what men do best when all else fails, sit there and smile and nod when he (or she) talks about politics while making shopping lists in your head...
In other words, just don't actually listen... lol
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- Apr 15, 2007
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If she wants to vent, she wouldn't expect a response, just a listening ear. From the sounds of things, she wants to argue because she gets angry if you don't respond or refuse to engage in conversation about the topic. Venting doesn't require a response.
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I'd still just push the fact you don't want to engage in the political right now...
She's got to understand you actually mean it at some point, if not, ask her to attend some marital counselling with you... because she's not listening to your needs.
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- Nov 13, 2017
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There are some things my wife and I disagree on. I used to get emotional about it, but over time I've come to realise it's just 'stuff'. I mean it has no real importance, ultimately, if we don't agree to see this or that topic in the same way, so I just don't worry about it anymore. If she says something that is in opposition to something I think, either I let it go - none of us is all-knowing and our opinions are just opinions - or I make a joke of it. We can laugh about the things we used to get really worked up over. At the end of the day, political opinions are small beans.
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I get that! And that's exactly what I want and am trying to do but it's hard when the other person tries to make you engage then gets mad that you see things differently?? Even though they already knew that you disagree.
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- Oct 7, 2018
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Welcome! There is nothing more frustrating than someone who walks away from a conversation. In my opinion, all it does is save a spot to continue it at a later time albiet now with some contention and built up animosity. I suggest to thoroughly discuss a subject until it is resolved or satisfactorily vetted. Takes patience of course but no one likes to be gaslighted.
Be blessed.
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Wow I'm sorry but I don't think you read everything. I am telling him that I am walking away after multiple arguments that in my opinion don't need to happen. We don't agree and will likely never agree on certain world issues so I don't see the point in just stating the same things to each other over and over and getting told I'm wrong over and over.
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Maybe take a kind of Socratic approach, see if you can draw out what is behind his thinking. Sometimes people end up questioning their own ideas if they don't get any pushback.
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- Oct 7, 2018
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Thanks for revealing you are a woman. Some are assuming you are a man.
I did read everything. I too am like your husband. I like to talk about world issues, family other things of interest however, I constantly get shut down so I guess I am a bit sensitive about it.
Be blessed.
EDIT: But one thing I do admit, I am most of the time telling him he is wrong, which he is but I guess I could be a bit more kinder about it.
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Soyeong
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Hello,
Relationships where there is too much conflict are straightforwardly less likely to last, however, relationships where there is too little conflict are also less likely to last. We don't tend to want to be in a relationship where the other is a yes-man or a yes-woman, but prefer someone who is going to challenge us in a good way. There can also be issues that people avoid talking about in order to avoid conflict that snowball into bigger issues because they weren't dealt with. It is also important to feel like it is safe to speak with them about something important without feeling like you are walking on egg shells. It is better to learn how to have civil discussions about important topics than to avoid them. It is also good to try to avoid resolving conflict when one or both of you is getting angry, so it can be good to take a break to calm down, but it is important that that is done with the intention of resolving it later rather than in order to avoid it, otherwise they aren't going to want to let you take a break.
When there is a conflict, it is important to treat them as though they might have at least one thing that would be for your benefit to hear so that you are listening with the internet to understand rather than the internet to counter what they say. Try instituting a rule that each person only gets to respond after they have started the thoughts and feelings of the other in your own words to the satisfaction of the other. That way it forces you to listen and it will feel like the other is listing and treating your views as being important, plus it reduces interrupting and slows things down so that tempers are less likely to flare up. The way that people handle conflict in a mature manner can be much more important than who is right in a particular situation.
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aiki
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Do you both know and love the Lord? If so, find your common ground and unity in him, not on matters of the World. The Holy Spirit in you should draw you naturally and powerfully toward the Holy Spirit in your husband, over-riding the sorts of disagreements you've described. You are, first of all, to be God's children, His ambassadors, to each other, and then to the Body of Believers, the Church, and finally, to the World. When you are both acting in accord with this divine calling (and command), the result should be peace, rest and love between you, not conflict.
When my wife and I are at loggerheads with each other, we call a "cease fire" and turn the matter over to God in prayer, trusting that He'll bring us both to a better understanding of, and obedience to, His will and way. This is so much better than fighting, trying to get my spouse to think and act like I do by force of words and emotional manipulation! But, it requires a very practical and humble trusting in God.
The devil, and human pride, and fear are clearly in the sharp division this whole virus business is producing. Reasoned and reasonable disagreement is one thing; the denigrating, vicious, and self-righteous labeling that is going on, both sides demonizing the other, is not. God calls us to love and self-sacrificing service, not to scrapping over vaccination. Fear is not of Him.
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