advice on a marriage issue please

[Dogbean]

I seek advice on something that may be pretty minor. First I'll give some background, then I'll present my dilemma, and finally, my question of what you think I should do in this situation.

My wife and I are happily married so this is not meant to indicate we got problems. We have 5 awesome kids. I will say that when we first got married 3 years ago, she was pretty angry toward God and hostile too His Lordship, especially when I pressed it on her so I backed off and let the Lord do His work, and recently she has really begun to turn back towards Him and deal with some of that past baggage. She has her days though, where she gets cranky and just doesn't want to submit to His instruction. We all have that at times. We moved away from her hometown over a year and a half ago, and live 13 hours away by car. I don't know her family very well, and don't really fit in with her friends in her hometown so I usually don't go along when she visits them, which is rather frequently given the distance. That is a decision we both made. Sometimes I take time off work (leave, since I'm in the military) and take care of the kids so she can go with none or only some of them, and other times, like this time, she wanted to go so bad that she was willing to take all the kids with her so I did not have to burn up any more leave (I've used a lot this past winter due to trips, holidays, and her surgery) so I spent this summer trying to build my leave balance back up. When she takes these trips, she seems to get annoyed most times I try to get her to spend a few moments on the phone with me every other day or so. It seems to her like it's a chore to chat with me and is usually rushing me off the phone, getting very annoyed with me when I express that I don't like that, and it usually ends up in an arguement that spans several days with misunderstood phone messages and text messages being sent back and forth, and sometimes a bit of arguing on the phone, which is usually me just trying to express myself and clarify, and her just being annoyed and nasty, and hanging up sometimes, and slinging false accusations and misunderstanding my loving intentions. She always seems to have a million things going on and always talking with others in the room and can't give me just a few moments of her time without getting annoyed. And let me also note that my wife is a very honest person with me, has never lied to me, always speaks her mind, or just keeps it to herself, but has never flat out lied to me about anything.

Now let me also state that she is a text message maniac. She texts her people back and forth like a chat, all day long sometimes, especially just before and during one of these trips to her hometown, probably to set up plans and stuff. Understandable. She doesn't like to talk on the phone all that much, but she'll chat on the phone with friends and family for a long time sometimes. I had to print out last month's cell phone bill and search through it to make sure some of my data usage and refunds went through properly on a separate phone issue, and in doing so noted that she sent/received over 4000 messages the previous month. And in doing so her phone is never allowed to run dead and is practically an extention of her hand. She's very good at it.

We're getting close to my dilemma. Many times, on these trips, if I can manage to get a hold of her, she often says her phone is "about to die" or was not with her, or that she is tired and taking a nap. I've gotten this "about to die' excuse a lot, so I decided to test it. My carrier posts the text message logs online for us to check. It runs a day or so behind so you can't check it in real time, and it only shows the date/time stamp, the phone number, and whether it's inbound or outbound. The actual message is not displayed. On Wednesday afternoon, I texted her and she texted back that her phone is about to die and she couldn't talk because her charger was at the house. I said "what about your car charger....u are out" and she told me she refused to sit in a 120 degree car to talk to me and she had to go because the phone was about to die. So I just went online and found the time this brief exchange took place, to see if there was indeed a period of inactivity. Much to my suspicion, there wasn't. Right after talking to me, there were inbound and outbound messages between her and other people, all day long, right before our talk and right after. Now I cannot prove anything other than that she was texting back and forth with people right before and right after talking to me. I can't prove whether she plugged her phone in somewhere and texted with AC power. But she told me that she could not talk to me because her phone was about to die and she refused to sit in a hot car to use her phone connected to the car charger. It would appear, from this evidence, that I have caught her in a lie. That she was making an excuse because she did not feel like talking to me. I can look through the logs and see all the messages I have sent at other times, that were not responded to, and at those times she is texting back and forth with other people, apparently ignoring me. I can even see texting activity at the times she told me she was taking a nap. It would appear that she is lying to me to try to not talk to me at times. But again, she's 900 miles away and I can't prove anything for sure, other than there is texting activity going on at the times she tells me her phone is nearly dead or she's taking a nap.

My question is this.....should I confront her about it, telling her how I have apparently caught her in a suspected lie? If I tell her how I proved what she was doing, she is sure to say that I am using stalker-ish techniques to keep tabs on her and will get very mad at me for it. She got mad at me one day a long time ago when she was not answering her cell phone at a friend's house so I looked in our caller ID log for that friend and tried to call there looking for her (I had a good reason for needing to reach her at that time so I wasn't just being silly). If I show her how I did this online thing, she will surely point to that incident and say I am just trying to keep tabs on her. I have been thinking of telling her that I suspect she is lying to make up excuse not to talk to me and can prove it, but also I don't know if it's worth the huge argument that is sure to follow. What do you think...should I bring it up with her or not?

 

[dorig59]

Let me ask you a couple of questions. How often does she go there and how long does she stay when she's there? Also, when you looked at the texts she did before and after blowing you off, do you know who those numbers were that she was texting with?

I would definitely talk to her about the lie you caught her in, and I would not allow her to tell you you're being "stalker-ish". You are her husband, you have every right to know what's going on. If she tries to say you're invading her privacy or anything along those lines, well, what else could that mean other than she is trying to hide something??

Is your marriage in good shape otherwise when she's at home? I would be very troubled about her attitude towards you when she's gone, it seems like she's not putting you as first priority or that she's thinking of her hometown as "home", when her home should be whereever she is with you and the kids. On the other hand, if she doesn't got there too often or stay for too long, it seems fairly harmless. But I don't know. Often your gut instinct is what you should pay attention to.

 

[Dogbean]

Let me ask you a couple of questions. How often does she go there and how long does she stay when she's there? Also, when you looked at the texts she did before and after blowing you off, do you know who those numbers were that she was texting with?

The numbers are just her friends and family. They are all females-no cheating issues. She goes about twice a year. This trip happens to be a month long and is regarded as their summer vacation. I could have gone if I wanted to but elected not to. In a year we may be moving to the other side of the country, and if so, she won't be able to go visit anymore because she hates flying and it'll just get too expensive, so she's treating this one like it's the last chance to go.

I would definitely talk to her about the lie you caught her in, and I would not allow her to tell you you're being "stalker-ish". You are her husband, you have every right to know what's going on. If she tries to say you're invading her privacy or anything along those lines, well, what else could that mean other than she is trying to hide something??

I have no worries about whether she's hiding anything. She just get herself super busy when down there, and sometimes she's in weak signal areas in rural areas. But that's not at the times she's texting others.

Is your marriage in good shape otherwise when she's at home? I would be very troubled about her attitude towards you when she's gone, it seems like she's not putting you as first priority or that she's thinking of her hometown as "home", when her home should be whereever she is with you and the kids. On the other hand, if she doesn't got there too often or stay for too long, it seems fairly harmless. But I don't know. Often your gut instinct is what you should pay attention to.

Marriage is in pretty good shape at home, and actually it's improving now that she's turning back towards God. It just seems like when she goes to her hometown she seems to think that she doesn't have to stay in touch with me. Eventually, when I bug her enough, I get updates and she fills me in. She just acts annoyed a lot of the time, when I bug her. But I think I have the right. She fully acknowledges that where I am is her current home. She told me she'll follow me wherever the military takes us. My gut instinct is torn on this one....I so much want to tell her that I caught her in this apparent lie, but I am not really thinking it's worth the huge fight that will result. She'll get all defensive, and will bring up mistakes that I've made in the past to shift the focus of the conversation; that's what she does. I can't definitly prove anything....all I can do is prove that she was texting at the time she told me her phone was about to die. I don't know if she plugged it in or if her battery indicator just lasts a really long time, making her think it was going to die.

Does that extra input help?

 

[dorig59]

It sounds like everything is good then. For whatever reason, she just doesn't want to talk to you much when she's there, maybe because she feels she has such limited time there. I just don't relate to it, because if my husband and I are separated even for a short period of time, all we do is talk on the phone constantly 'til we're back together again! But then we've only been married six years and you've probably been together a lot longer!

 

[Dave73]

I wouldn't worry about it to much. Seems like this might be the last time she'll be able to be there for a very long time and I'm sure she's just devoting as much time as she can to her family / friends while she's with them. Remember she lives with you ... them she only sees when she can, and the fact that she's willing to go wherever the military takes you is indeed a sacrifice for her (don't forget that).

It's amazing how easily the ones we love can hurt us (even with all that said, it would hurt me too if I were you).

If I were you I would try and give her space while she's down there ... you might just find out she'll be the one that's calling you.

 

[moonkitty]

If you don't think she is cheating, then why prusue it? It sounds like she just doesn't want to talk or text to you and is trying to spare your feelings with a little white lie. I personally hate talking on the phone, and I hate, hate, hate texting.


It seems to me that you are more upset that she isn't willing to talk/text with you than you are about the lie.

 

[Dogbean]

It sounds like everything is good then. For whatever reason, she just doesn't want to talk to you much when she's there, maybe because she feels she has such limited time there. I just don't relate to it, because if my husband and I are separated even for a short period of time, all we do is talk on the phone constantly 'til we're back together again! But then we've only been married six years and you've probably been together a lot longer!

Oh yeah, I know our marriage is good. She just gets into this different mode when she's down there.....she turns into a potty mouth because that's how her friends and family talk, and I think she feels she needs to cuss with them to fit in (but she tries really hard to keep it clean when she's with me) and she was willing to take the 5 kids with her, which must be annoying. The funny thing is, today she said on the phone "the kids are annoying me a little...must be nice up there with no kids to look after, being able to do whatever you want...I don't have that luxury" to which I replied "Hon, you wanted this trip so bad that you decided on your own to take the kids, so that, my dear, was your decision, not mine." But she is doing cool things iwth them and having fun with them. She just gets cranky and annoyed at times, and when she does, she likes to shift blame to others, I am the prime target for blame in those cases. That's part of why I don't really want to confront her directly about a lie that I can't really prove....while all the evidence makes it look like a lie has been committed, I'll just get blamed for things in return, since that is her defense mechanism when accused of something. She does not have a history of lying, so maybe it is just a white lie to spare my feelings. I prayed to the Lord to convict her of her sin, if there is any sin being commited here. And even though I'm not a stalker, she'll think looking up phone logs online is stalker-ish, and make her so mad that it'll take the focus off of what I was trying to point out, and just get me in the doghouse and we'll both feel bad.

If you don't think she is cheating, then why prusue it? It sounds like she just doesn't want to talk or text to you and is trying to spare your feelings with a little white lie. I personally hate talking on the phone, and I hate, hate, hate texting.
It seems to me that you are more upset that she isn't willing to talk/text with you than you are about the lie.

Well, I'm bummed out she doesn't want to talk to me, or she doesn't seem to want to talk to me when she gets into "hometown mode." But if she's breaking her non-lying streak, making up lies to not talk to me by telling me her phone is about to die, but I can see constant texting, then part of me wants to expose her deceit.....I dunno if it's worth it though. I mean, if she did lie to me, she already knows it because she made the decision to lie in the first place. And I can't prove where she was, or if she had access to a plug or something.

No, moonkitty, there's never been any cheating issues. I've never been worried about that and never have any reason to think she's doing that. She's down there, hanging with my kids, and nearly everyone she's seeing are women....girly friends, and most of her family are women, except for her dad and brother.

 

[Dogbean]

And to clarify - seems people are not getting me here.....I'm not upset that she is texting anybody else....I know who these people are, and they are good, harmless people. I was upset that she was going through the act of texting back and forth with other people when she told me she could not text me because her phone was dying, or couldnot text me because she was taking a nap....if those were true, she should not have been texting anyone at that time.

 

[mkgal1]

I guess I have a different opinion than everyone else. Yeah, if you two are moving soon, then THIS kind of trip won't be happening...but, it is the lying that is the problem. That will follow her wherever she goes if it isn't resolved. That is something that has NO place in a marriage or any relationship for that matter.

I do feel that it needs to be confronted, but not in a "Ha...I caught you lying to me!" kind of way, but more of a "I have a real concern for our marriage" kind of way. If she is going to turn to lying just to avoid conflict, that is going to be a habit that will destroy your marriage. It needs to be confronted gently but directly and with the health of your marriage in mind.

The other serious problem I am seeing is that when she is around friends and family, she conforms to them. She distances herself from you and bonds with them as if she isn't your wife. Three years is newly married and hopefully that will improve, but that is something that should be taken notice of. You can't demand that she puts you first, but you can work of building the bond between you.

 

[dorig59]

I guess I have a different opinion than everyone else. Yeah, if you two are moving soon, then THIS kind of trip won't be happening...but, it is the lying that is the problem. That will follow her wherever she goes if it isn't resolved. That is something that has NO place in a marriage or any relationship for that matter.

I do feel that it needs to be confronted, but not in a "Ha...I caught you lying to me!" kind of way, but more of a "I have a real concern for our marriage" kind of way. If she is going to turn to lying just to avoid conflict, that is going to be a habit that will destroy your marriage. It needs to be confronted gently but directly and with the health of your marriage in mind.

The other serious problem I am seeing is that when she is around friends and family, she conforms to them. She distances herself from you and bonds with them as if she isn't your wife. Three years is newly married and hopefully that will improve, but that is something that should be taken notice of. You can't demand that she puts you first, but you can work of building the bond between you.

I totally agree with what you said here, and you expressed it much better than I did. Yes, the fact that she "distances herself", I find that concerning, plus the lying.

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

I think you need to get to the root of the problem and find out why she is avoiding talking to you when she's away. It sounds like she is unhappy in your marriage and possibly homesick. You two need to talk. Communication is the key to a happy marriage - I learned that the hard way.

 

[immersedingrace]

I guess I have a different opinion than everyone else. Yeah, if you two are moving soon, then THIS kind of trip won't be happening...but, it is the lying that is the problem. That will follow her wherever she goes if it isn't resolved. That is something that has NO place in a marriage or any relationship for that matter.

I do feel that it needs to be confronted, but not in a "Ha...I caught you lying to me!" kind of way, but more of a "I have a real concern for our marriage" kind of way. If she is going to turn to lying just to avoid conflict, that is going to be a habit that will destroy your marriage. It needs to be confronted gently but directly and with the health of your marriage in mind.

The other serious problem I am seeing is that when she is around friends and family, she conforms to them. She distances herself from you and bonds with them as if she isn't your wife. Three years is newly married and hopefully that will improve, but that is something that should be taken notice of. You can't demand that she puts you first, but you can work of building the bond between you.

I agree. Personally, I wouldn't confront the lying while she's away. I would wait until she gets home and you can sit down with her. If she tries to change the subject, sit back, let her rant and when she's done, go back to the topic at hand. Is that easier said than done, sure, but it's what needs to be done.

I can't address the conforming to her hometown folk but I can completely understand the homesick part. For me, however, it's not so much the people I'm homesick for, it's the freedom of the area. I grew up in an area where I never, ever, ever felt unsafe. Came and went at any hour of the day, without fear and I now live in NYC where I feel "stuck" because I feel unsafe here much of the time unless I'm with my husband. When I expresss that to my hubby, he totally doesn't get it because he grew up here AND simultaneously feels guilty for "trapping" me. I too would follow my husband to the ends of the world but that doesn't eliminate the fact that I long for home. When I'm home (and yes, it still feels like home to me. NYC will NEVER feel like home) without my husband (which rarely, rarely ever happens) I miss him tremendously so I can't understand not wanting to talk to him at least once a day. Sometimes, however, when we've talked for a bit and he starts repeating himself, I do tell him that it's time to go. Personally, it would kill me to do so but I'd try to limit the calls to her every other day and request to talk to the kids. As a parent you have a RIGHT to talk to your kids (provided they can talk to you). If THAT's not something she's open to, then we'd definitely be having a talk because she has an obligation to inform you how your kids are doing even if she doesn't want to talk to you or tell about her day.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, how much are you trying to call her?

Like - in your ideal world - if you had your way - how much time would you be trying to keep her on the phone for while she's away?

 

[Dogbean]

I guess I have a different opinion than everyone else. Yeah, if you two are moving soon, then THIS kind of trip won't be happening...but, it is the lying that is the problem. That will follow her wherever she goes if it isn't resolved. That is something that has NO place in a marriage or any relationship for that matter.

I do feel that it needs to be confronted, but not in a "Ha...I caught you lying to me!" kind of way, but more of a "I have a real concern for our marriage" kind of way. If she is going to turn to lying just to avoid conflict, that is going to be a habit that will destroy your marriage. It needs to be confronted gently but directly and with the health of your marriage in mind.

I totally agree with what you said here, and you expressed it much better than I did. Yes, the fact that she "distances herself", I find that concerning, plus the lying.

Well, as I said there has never been a problem with lying in the past. One thing I have always counted on from her, and gotten, is blunt honesty. If I am ticking her off she does not hesitate to tell me. She does not beat around the bush. If she does not want to talk to me, she tells me straight up, on the phone "I'm mad at you and I don't want to talk to you right now. We'll talk later." It's not like her to tell white lies to avoid talking to me; her style is much more direct. After this analysis, I'm thinking that she was not lying about her phone dying. Maybe the battery was getting weak and she was having conversations with others trying to set some plans up before it died....maybe she gave it a half hour boost in the car...I dunno. I can't prove anything really. Not worth it. Every time in the past I accused her there was always a logical explanation I did not consider. I think I should back off of that plan to print out logs and try to catch her in a lie, because it probably has a reasonable explanation and not worth the fight that would result.

I think you need to get to the root of the problem and find out why she is avoiding talking to you when she's away. It sounds like she is unhappy in your marriage and possibly homesick. You two need to talk. Communication is the key to a happy marriage - I learned that the hard way.

We just had a really cool conversation. I called her and she was rather nice, not shoving me off....and gave me the few minutes I wanted. Then we got off. She called back a few minutes later and put some of the kids on the phone. Then got back on herself. It gave me a nice feeling. Then after that I complimented her, by text, saying that's all I wanted, to not be rushed off the phone like a bother. She loves her hometown (I dont' know why, it's a wretched, baking desert) and has never been away from it. She had fallings out with her family years ago and right before moving away with me those were being repaired, so she is developing family ties she never had. And all her good girly friends are there. She's starting to make some in our new hometown though.

I agree. Personally, I wouldn't confront the lying while she's away. I would wait until she gets home and you can sit down with her. If she tries to change the subject, sit back, let her rant and when she's done, go back to the topic at hand. Is that easier said than done, sure, but it's what needs to be done.

I can't address the conforming to her hometown folk but I can completely understand the homesick part. For me, however, it's not so much the people I'm homesick for, it's the freedom of the area. I grew up in an area where I never, ever, ever felt unsafe. Came and went at any hour of the day, without fear and I now live in NYC where I feel "stuck" because I feel unsafe here much of the time unless I'm with my husband. When I expresss that to my hubby, he totally doesn't get it because he grew up here AND simultaneously feels guilty for "trapping" me. I too would follow my husband to the ends of the world but that doesn't eliminate the fact that I long for home. When I'm home (and yes, it still feels like home to me. NYC will NEVER feel like home) without my husband (which rarely, rarely ever happens) I miss him tremendously so I can't understand not wanting to talk to him at least once a day. Sometimes, however, when we've talked for a bit and he starts repeating himself, I do tell him that it's time to go. Personally, it would kill me to do so but I'd try to limit the calls to her every other day and request to talk to the kids. As a parent you have a RIGHT to talk to your kids (provided they can talk to you). If THAT's not something she's open to, then we'd definitely be having a talk because she has an obligation to inform you how your kids are doing even if she doesn't want to talk to you or tell about her day.

See above. I talked to the kids and had a really good conversation with her today. She might be starting to understand what I want.

Well, how much are you trying to call her?

Like - in your ideal world - if you had your way - how much time would you be trying to keep her on the phone for while she's away?

I don't want to talk for any more than a few minutes a day. All I ask is not to be treated like a bother, an annoyance, and today i got the respect I demand. When she does not respond, I call later, and gain, and again until I get through. Every half hour to an hour or so, until I get her. She is really bad at returning calls...when I ask for a return call I often don't get one....but that happens at home with other poeple too....people call her and she rarely calls them back. Happens even with doctors and stuff. She's just not that great with phones. But today was a much better day.

 

[Easyk]

yeah i know what you mean... tho my wife doesnt make me a bother.. she is too busy and doesnt want to hear about the real hurts in my life, i know i need to wait till she is ready..our marriage is begginning ot model another one i know.. and my wife is well aware that if it does i am gone, umm as in i wont have that kind of marriage and if we dont work to turn it i am gone...sorry but that marriage is not a good one, its not bad on eihter, .. needles to say, that is mainly how you feel loved and appreciated..

 

[Dogbean]

yeah i know what you mean... tho my wife doesnt make me a bother.. she is too busy and doesnt want to hear about the real hurts in my life..our marriage is begginning ot model another one i know.. and my wife is well aware that if it does i am gone..sorry but that marriage is not a good one .. needles to say, that is mainly how you feel loved and appreciated..

Are you saying my marriage is not a good one, or that one you know is not a good one? Because I am satisfied with mine, considering that my wife improves with time.

d

 

[Easyk]

NOT AT ALL... NOT AT ALL..

i was stating mine is like that modeling one i dont want it too...and that marriage has no passion or love.. just live together people...

to note btw we are gonna work on it together to improve it, cause we both dont want that.. and we want it better,

heck no, lol your marriage is young

You feel most loved when she talks to you with care and takes the time to talk to you.. that is what i was saying...

 

[Dogbean]

Roger that, Easyk. We have love and passion.

 

[myanchor]

Bro, Willard Harley has a book called her needs, his needs. He takes the idea of love languages a bit further and describes things that you need/want and she does. Lots of exploration in that book. Also when she is back, call her in after the kids are in bed and say hon, I was looking at the cellphone bill and I remember some of the times you said the phone was dying and you sent a bunch of texts, can we talk about that? Then go from there. Stay calm and loving though.

 

[c1ners]

I am alot like your wife. I hate talking on the phone, and would much rather test message. To me it's just more convenient. A person can still go about their business while texting back and forth. I like it that way. I too get annoyed when I have to talk on the phone to my husband (or anyone for that matter) for more than ten minutes. I just don't like to talk on the phone.

If your wife is like me and just doesn't like to talk on the phone, maybe you could text her. Compromise really is the key. You could text her one day and call her the next day. that way she wouldn't have to spend so much time on the phone.