Advice, help, insight?

[Timber70]

First of all, I will apologize for the long post. I have just exhausted all my possibilities, I’m hoping just one person reads this post and says “that’s me, I was there.” A little over 21 months ago I received a text from my wife sating she was leaving me. About 2 days later my journey started. God convicted me on a back, dirt road (someday I would love to give my testimonial titled with that). Anyways, I was saved at the age of 9 and was a tiptoe Christian until that road, 38 years later. I a had to change, I needed to change.
My focus was on me, I only tried to focus on my sins, short comings, etc. I read every morning, prayed all day, found a church home, witnessed, etc. One of the things I prayEd for was reconciliation of my marriage. I tried to take the Christian route, my wife, her lawyer, my lawyer did not take the same route. The last 21 months have been hell for me. I just took it, figured it was my penance or allowing me to grow.
The more I grew the more questions I had. Some days the more doubts I had. I always went back to prayer, to the Bible. Long ago I prayed for the Lord to change my heart and my mind. To think of Him and holy things instead of anger, bitterness, depression, etc. unfortunately that has yet to happen. My idle moments are nothing but angry thoughts, how bad things are and also how bad things may end up when it is finally complete. Depression, sadness and fear is just as equal.
Here is where I am. Why will god not answer my prayers. Would I love another chance of marriage, to be able to see my son everyday, not just half? Sure, but maybe that is not in His plan. It kills me but I accept it. I have prayed to somehow feel His presence, it has also been ignored. Maybe that was selfish also. What is killing me, my walk and some days has me on the verge of walking away is how He has not answered my Prayers concerning my heart and mind. Those aren’t selfish!! I need him, my mind needs a break!! I so so so seek him in my heart. I have followed every positive action I think of in order to help change my heart and relieve my mind, to no avail.
What is left, is 21 months not long enough? I am not Job, nor David. Have you been there? What happened to you? Is there hope? Thanks for anyone’s input

 

[GallagherM]

Just read everything that you had to say by mouth.

Never been in this type of situation, you mention how you still have anger, bitterness in your heart, and praying out to God, and guessing you are still desirous of having your relationship with your wife whom guess you really still care for an love along with your son.

The only thing that comes to my mind in all of these things is the simple two words 'let go', but that is something that might not be helpful nor something someone in this situations desires to hear for there is no understanding of everything that it might cost to do so.

Friend, I hope for you to have peace in this life, and that you continue to seek after God and His ways, ultimately that love, peace, forgiveness, mercy will fall into your heart and that the spirit of Christ will help you through. There would only be one section of scripture that I would share to you and you may go read it for yourself (Philippians 4:1-14 ) : May God give the increase for you to find and experience relief even if the choice is difficult.

God bless you, Timber70.

 

[Timber70]

Thank you for your input and prayers. About a year ago I gave my divorce to the Lord. Extremely tough, but had to. Guess that's why I am doubting it will be restored. Yes I know He is a man of miracles, but thinking this miracle will not be allowed to me. I just want relief from the negativity, the hourly beating down of myself. I want a truly changed heart. That more then anything is what I long for. Again, thanks for taking the time to reply.

Just read everything that you had to say by mouth.

Never been in this type of situation, you mention how you still have anger, bitterness in your heart, and praying out to God, and guessing you are still desirous of having your relationship with your wife whom guess you really still care for an love along with your son.

The only thing that comes to my mind in all of these things is the simple two words 'let go', but that is something that might not be helpful nor something someone in this situations desires to hear for there is no understanding of everything that it might cost to do so.

Friend, I hope for you to have peace in this life, and that you continue to seek after God and His ways, ultimately that love, peace, forgiveness, mercy will fall into your heart and that the spirit of Christ will help you through. There would only be one section of scripture that I would share to you and you may go read it for yourself (Philippians 4:1-14 ) : May God give the increase for you to find and experience relief even if the choice is difficult.

God bless you, Timber70.

 

[Mark Quayle]

First of all, I will apologize for the long post. I have just exhausted all my possibilities, I’m hoping just one person reads this post and says “that’s me, I was there.” A little over 21 months ago I received a text from my wife sating she was leaving me. About 2 days later my journey started. God convicted me on a back, dirt road (someday I would love to give my testimonial titled with that). Anyways, I was saved at the age of 9 and was a tiptoe Christian until that road, 38 years later. I a had to change, I needed to change.
My focus was on me, I only tried to focus on my sins, short comings, etc. I read every morning, prayed all day, found a church home, witnessed, etc. One of the things I prayEd for was reconciliation of my marriage. I tried to take the Christian route, my wife, her lawyer, my lawyer did not take the same route. The last 21 months have been hell for me. I just took it, figured it was my penance or allowing me to grow.
The more I grew the more questions I had. Some days the more doubts I had. I always went back to prayer, to the Bible. Long ago I prayed for the Lord to change my heart and my mind. To think of Him and holy things instead of anger, bitterness, depression, etc. unfortunately that has yet to happen. My idle moments are nothing but angry thoughts, how bad things are and also how bad things may end up when it is finally complete. Depression, sadness and fear is just as equal.
Here is where I am. Why will god not answer my prayers. Would I love another chance of marriage, to be able to see my son everyday, not just half? Sure, but maybe that is not in His plan. It kills me but I accept it. I have prayed to somehow feel His presence, it has also been ignored. Maybe that was selfish also. What is killing me, my walk and some days has me on the verge of walking away is how He has not answered my Prayers concerning my heart and mind. Those aren’t selfish!! I need him, my mind needs a break!! I so so so seek him in my heart. I have followed every positive action I think of in order to help change my heart and relieve my mind, to no avail.
What is left, is 21 months not long enough? I am not Job, nor David. Have you been there? What happened to you? Is there hope? Thanks for anyone’s input

I took 30 years of a marriage when if my wife screamed at me that she was leaving me, I would have loved to open my mouth finally and come back with, "Please, don't tease me!" or, "Just stay gone this time!" But I wasn't brought up that way. Christianity had taught me that peace from me would eventually bring her around, but no dice. I finally gave up on Christianity in that regard. All along, my heart had been seeking God, begging for help, not just for my marriage but to change me in whatever way was necessary, and worse than all the marriage strife was the sinfulness of my own heart —my addiction to pleasure in whatever form I could get it. I knew well, for example, that if God was to neuter me, something else would be more important to me than obedience.

As time does, things changed for me, not so much on the surface, (my wife never did calm down much, and to this day 'the old man' is addicted to pleasure), but probably my favorite thing to mention is that through all this, God has become incredibly precious to me —even necessary to me. Sin still 'easily besets' me, but my focus is no longer there. I have found out for a FACT that this life is not about me, even though I 'knew' it all along —this life is about Christ (which I can guess you know still doesn't stop the 'old man' every time). I don't have any advice for you but to press on, be as patient as you can, and continue to cry out to him. Spend all the time you can in his Word. Look in there for his heart, and if you have a pressing question to be answered, look for it in there. He is taking you through this for HIS sake, which means it is also for your sake. He is making you into the member of the Bride of Christ that he had in mind for you when he made you, and nothing is more important to him than that, because in the long run (it may not seem the short run) he will be glorified in all he is doing to you. In my case, I spent long long hours trying to figure out how he was 'tempted in every way as we are' yet, without sin. And I found out he accomplished it the same way we must: by depending on his Heavenly Father.

This will raise the hackles in some Christians for me to say, but even your obedience and faithfulness and surface 'spiritual growth' he is willing to delay in order to accomplish his greater plan —the completed Bride of Christ, of which you are a member. (As it turns out, of course, what happens is all part of his greater plan.) Your spiritual growth is HIS to do, (not to say it isn't yours to obey also), and HIS to assess, to judge, and to move you along. Seek him with all your heart.

 

[Timber70]

Mark, thank you so much for your reply. Great points to ponder. Many I have already. On that country road I gave up a couple of sinful desires. So far 21 months later they are still behind me. They always lurk, but I have been able to stay strong. My desire is to get close to Him. It has been a tough journey, but every day it seemed I was getting closer. The last month or so though, I feel like my walk with him has become less.

I took 30 years of a marriage when if my wife screamed at me that she was leaving me, I would have loved to open my mouth finally and come back with, "Please, don't tease me!" or, "Just stay gone this time!" But I wasn't brought up that way. Christianity had taught me that peace from me would eventually bring her around, but no dice. I finally gave up on Christianity in that regard. All along, my heart had been seeking God, begging for help, not just for my marriage but to change me in whatever way was necessary, and worse than all the marriage strife was the sinfulness of my own heart —my addiction to pleasure in whatever form I could get it. I knew well, for example, that if God was to neuter me, something else would be more important to me than obedience.

As time does, things changed for me, not so much on the surface, (my wife never did calm down much, and to this day 'the old man' is addicted to pleasure), but probably my favorite thing to mention is that through all this, God has become incredibly precious to me —even necessary to me. Sin still 'easily besets' me, but my focus is no longer there. I have found out for a FACT that this life is not about me, even though I 'knew' it all along —this life is about Christ (which I can guess you know still doesn't stop the 'old man' every time). I don't have any advice for you but to press on, be as patient as you can, and continue to cry out to him. Spend all the time you can in his Word. Look in there for his heart, and if you have a pressing question to be answered, look for it in there. He is taking you through this for HIS sake, which means it is also for your sake. He is making you into the member of the Bride of Christ that he had in mind for you when he made you, and nothing is more important to him than that, because in the long run (it may not seem the short run) he will be glorified in all he is doing to you. In my case, I spent long long hours trying to figure out how he was 'tempted in every way as we are' yet, without sin. And I found out he accomplished it the same way we must: by depending on his Heavenly Father.

This will raise the hackles in some Christians for me to say, but even your obedience and faithfulness and surface 'spiritual growth' he is willing to delay in order to accomplish his greater plan —the completed Bride of Christ, of which you are a member. (As it turns out, of course, what happens is all part of his greater plan.) Your spiritual growth is HIS to do, (not to say it isn't yours to obey also), and HIS to assess, to judge, and to move you along. Seek him with all your heart.

 

[Ahermit]

. . . but maybe that is not in His plan. It kills me but I accept it. . .

If you accepted it it would not kill you nor even the slightest pain. You would be free to learn the lessons given to you. Fighting God to have one's OWN WAY won't work in God's plan. Those that think differently are deceived, just like Adam and Eve were.
To see the greater truth of the matter, stop fighting the truth. Let go. If you won't let go, then stop hanging on to it.

 

[Mark Quayle]

Mark, thank you so much for your reply. Great points to ponder. Many I have already. On that country road I gave up a couple of sinful desires. So far 21 months later they are still behind me. They always lurk, but I have been able to stay strong. My desire is to get close to Him. It has been a tough journey, but every day it seemed I was getting closer. The last month or so though, I feel like my walk with him has become less.

Nevertheless, if your faith is the work of the Spirit of God, it will not fail. You may not even see, or feel it, but he is there —taking you with him wherever he has in mind for you to go. Your walk with him is your duty, but his work.

 

[Timber70]

It kills me because I made a vow before the Lord and I failed. It kills me because my kid, through no fault of his own, will now be damaged the rest of his life. It kills me because I wont get another chance to be a true Christian husband. I dont feel like that's wrong. It destroys me from within because of my own failures. I have accepted that it is his will for our marriage to end, yet it hurts like hell. It's a death. People mourn at death. Even we know he or she is going to heaven, most people mourn the death. The closer the blood the closer the pain. From biblical terms no one is closer to me then my wife. Now that is dead. Can one not accept and at the same time not be torn up from inside because of the loss. I feel like if this divorce wasnt tearing me apart, that would be of way more concern.

QUOTE="Ahermit, post: 76075610, member: 376628"]If you accepted it it would not kill you nor even the slightest pain. You would be free to learn the lessons given to you. Fighting God to have one's OWN WAY won't work in God's plan. Those that think differently are deceived, just like Adam and Eve were.
To see the greater truth of the matter, stop fighting the truth. Let go. If you won't let go, then stop hanging on to it.[/QUOTE]

 

[InterestedAtheist]

First of all, I will apologize for the long post. I have just exhausted all my possibilities, I’m hoping just one person reads this post and says “that’s me, I was there.” A little over 21 months ago I received a text from my wife sating she was leaving me. About 2 days later my journey started. God convicted me on a back, dirt road (someday I would love to give my testimonial titled with that). Anyways, I was saved at the age of 9 and was a tiptoe Christian until that road, 38 years later. I a had to change, I needed to change.
My focus was on me, I only tried to focus on my sins, short comings, etc. I read every morning, prayed all day, found a church home, witnessed, etc. One of the things I prayEd for was reconciliation of my marriage. I tried to take the Christian route, my wife, her lawyer, my lawyer did not take the same route. The last 21 months have been hell for me. I just took it, figured it was my penance or allowing me to grow.
The more I grew the more questions I had. Some days the more doubts I had. I always went back to prayer, to the Bible. Long ago I prayed for the Lord to change my heart and my mind. To think of Him and holy things instead of anger, bitterness, depression, etc. unfortunately that has yet to happen. My idle moments are nothing but angry thoughts, how bad things are and also how bad things may end up when it is finally complete. Depression, sadness and fear is just as equal.
Here is where I am. Why will god not answer my prayers. Would I love another chance of marriage, to be able to see my son everyday, not just half? Sure, but maybe that is not in His plan. It kills me but I accept it. I have prayed to somehow feel His presence, it has also been ignored. Maybe that was selfish also. What is killing me, my walk and some days has me on the verge of walking away is how He has not answered my Prayers concerning my heart and mind. Those aren’t selfish!! I need him, my mind needs a break!! I so so so seek him in my heart. I have followed every positive action I think of in order to help change my heart and relieve my mind, to no avail.
What is left, is 21 months not long enough? I am not Job, nor David. Have you been there? What happened to you? Is there hope? Thanks for anyone’s input

I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. I really hope things get better for you.

It might be worth considering this: you say you're not Job or David. Well, in a sense, Job and David weren't Job and David either. They weren't able to say "Well, things are bad, but I'm a pivotal figure in the Bible so I know it'll work out alright." As far as they were concerned, they were just ordinary people, just like you, when bad things happened to them. So I'm just trying to say, don't beat yourself up for not being an epic Biblical hero about this. They felt their pain too.

You say you've thought and prayed about this a lot, and that's good. It's good that you're taking your problems seriously and giving them consideration and looking for ways to make things better. But don't let yourself get too turned inward. Keep an eye out in to the world around you, because while thinking and pondering may help you to deal with your feelings, the thing that will really make you feel better is doing something that makes your life better.

Sooner or later, things will get better.

Very best of luck.

 

[Timber70]

I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. I really hope things get better for you.

It might be worth considering this: you say you're not Job or David. Well, in a sense, Job and David weren't Job and David either. They weren't able to say "Well, things are bad, but I'm a pivotal figure in the Bible so I know it'll work out alright." As far as they were concerned, they were just ordinary people, just like you, when bad things happened to them. So I'm just trying to say, don't beat yourself up for not being an epic Biblical hero about this. They felt their pain too.

You say you've thought and prayed about this a lot, and that's good. It's good that you're taking your problems seriously and giving them consideration and looking for ways to make things better. But don't let yourself get too turned inward. Keep an eye out in to the world around you, because while thinking and pondering may help you to deal with your feelings, the thing that will really make you feel better is doing something that makes your life better.

Sooner or later, things will get better.

Very best of luck.

You are correct. I am reading a book titled Disapointme With God. He uses Job's story a lot. It has made me look at that famous book in a new light. Your response does the same. Thank you.

 

[cow451]

First of all, I will apologize for the long post. I have just exhausted all my possibilities, I’m hoping just one person reads this post and says “that’s me, I was there.” A little over 21 months ago I received a text from my wife sating she was leaving me. About 2 days later my journey started. God convicted me on a back, dirt road (someday I would love to give my testimonial titled with that). Anyways, I was saved at the age of 9 and was a tiptoe Christian until that road, 38 years later. I a had to change, I needed to change.
My focus was on me, I only tried to focus on my sins, short comings, etc. I read every morning, prayed all day, found a church home, witnessed, etc. One of the things I prayEd for was reconciliation of my marriage. I tried to take the Christian route, my wife, her lawyer, my lawyer did not take the same route. The last 21 months have been hell for me. I just took it, figured it was my penance or allowing me to grow.
The more I grew the more questions I had. Some days the more doubts I had. I always went back to prayer, to the Bible. Long ago I prayed for the Lord to change my heart and my mind. To think of Him and holy things instead of anger, bitterness, depression, etc. unfortunately that has yet to happen. My idle moments are nothing but angry thoughts, how bad things are and also how bad things may end up when it is finally complete. Depression, sadness and fear is just as equal.
Here is where I am. Why will god not answer my prayers. Would I love another chance of marriage, to be able to see my son everyday, not just half? Sure, but maybe that is not in His plan. It kills me but I accept it. I have prayed to somehow feel His presence, it has also been ignored. Maybe that was selfish also. What is killing me, my walk and some days has me on the verge of walking away is how He has not answered my Prayers concerning my heart and mind. Those aren’t selfish!! I need him, my mind needs a break!! I so so so seek him in my heart. I have followed every positive action I think of in order to help change my heart and relieve my mind, to no avail.
What is left, is 21 months not long enough? I am not Job, nor David. Have you been there? What happened to you? Is there hope? Thanks for anyone’s input

A poster seems to remain focused on self, believing God owes said poster a pass on the natural and logical consequences of his actions.

 

[cow451]

A poster seems to remain focused on self, believing God owes said poster a pass on the natural and logical consequences of his actions.

Edit to add: Find a good Therapist and stick with it. And do not date anyone for at least three years.

I apologize if the tone of my advice seems harsh.

 

[Timber70]

Edit to add: Find a good Therapist and stick with it. And do not date anyone for at least three years.

I apologize if the tone of my advice seems harsh.

No need to apologize, your opinion is noted, but really has no impact on my reality. I have accepted full and complete responsibility for my sins. I only get to see the one person I love more then anyone else on this earth half of the time. I miss half his birthdays, half his holidays. When one day he comes home from school after asking his first girl out I have a 50 50 chance of being there. Am I mad at God? Nope. It's my punishment,its my penance. Do you know this pain? Are you divorced? Do you have kids? You know nothing of this "poster." You act in the manner in which you believe you are judge and jury. As a Christian I just asked for help from someone who has been in my shoes or are currently in my shoes. I did not ask for pity nor input from someone who is obviously dealing with their own hidden demons. I hope I do not sound harsh and I will pray for you.

 

[cow451]

No need to apologize, your opinion is noted, but really has no impact on my reality. I have accepted full and complete responsibility for my sins. I only get to see the one person I love more then anyone else on this earth half of the time. I miss half his birthdays, half his holidays. When one day he comes home from school after asking his first girl out I have a 50 50 chance of being there. Am I mad at God? Nope. It's my punishment,its my penance. Do you know this pain? Are you divorced? Do you have kids? You know nothing of this "poster." You act in the manner in which you believe you are judge and jury. As a Christian I just asked for help from someone who has been in my shoes or are currently in my shoes. I did not ask for pity nor input from someone who is obviously dealing with their own hidden demons. I hope I do not sound harsh and I will pray for you.

We all stand in need of prayer. I have a close family member that has been battling an expensive battle over custody and visitation with an ex that has some of the character flaws you described.... So.... don't be that guy who plays the victim card.

You have plenty of opportunity to be a good Father and a good parenting partner with your ex. Split custody is very reasonable in most cases. Because God has not answered your prayers the way you want, does not mean He isn't listening.

Scripture tells us that it rains on the just and the unjust. Matthew 5:45.

God Bless

 

[ViaCrucis]

No need to apologize, your opinion is noted, but really has no impact on my reality. I have accepted full and complete responsibility for my sins. I only get to see the one person I love more then anyone else on this earth half of the time. I miss half his birthdays, half his holidays. When one day he comes home from school after asking his first girl out I have a 50 50 chance of being there. Am I mad at God? Nope. It's my punishment,its my penance.

It's tempting to imagine that the things we experience in life are either reward or punishment; but when good things happen we shouldn't perceive it as "reward", and by the same token, when bad things happen we shouldn't perceive it as "punishment".

One of the things that being a Lutheran has afforded me is the language to understand that this life is a cross. Jesus says to take up our cross and follow Him--and so the life we live here in this world is a cross of discipleship. God doesn't reward good people with good things, neither does God punish bad people with bad things--that's simply not God's way. In fact this is the error in thought that Jesus explicitly rejects when a blind man came to Jesus and the disciples asked, "Who sinned, him or his parents?" Their thought was, in keeping with prevailing thoughts of the time, that good things happened to good people and bad things happened to bad people; thus the blind man must be experiencing punishment for either his sins or his parents sins. Instead Jesus says that isn't the case at all, rather, his blindness was for this moment: Jesus healed his blindness.

We live in a world where the wicked often prosper, and the righteous suffer. Now, by the same token, this does not mean that if someone has good things happen then they must be wicked; nor that if someone suffers, it is because they are righteous (we do well to recall St. Paul's words that "there is none who is righteous" "no, not even one").

Instead we should remember Jesus' words, that God "sends His rain upon the righteous and the unrighteous" and that God is "merciful to the thankless and the wicked". The good gifts of creation are for our benefit, we can abuse these gifts through sin, or we can utilize these gifts to love others. We may face consequences for our actions, as that's just life. We may intend to do good, and still face harsh consequences, and unfortunately many may intend to do evil and seemingly get "rewarded" for it.

In all of this it is important to understand that God pours out His grace upon us liberally through Jesus Christ, loving us sinners, showering us with mercy He saves us. And here in that mercy God invites us to partner with Him in loving the world even as He loves the world--to love and serve our neighbor, even our enemies. In this we are invited to bless rather than curse, to forgive rather than be angry, to give even after all has been taken from us, and so on and so forth; to be merciful even as God is merciful.

Life happens, and we have incredibly little--really no--control over it. There is a pernicious way of thinking that often gets in the heads of well-meaning Christians, and that is that we are the captains of our own destiny. Here in my country, the United States of America, this line of thinking is understandable, as the American social ethos has been one of "rugged individualism". It's why we have talked about the "American dream". The myth we tell ourselves is that with enough elbow grease we can accomplish anything, we can attain our own good through hard work and effort.

The problem with this myth is that it is diametrically in opposition to Christianity. We aren't the captains of our own fate, there are no promises of a good life here through enough hard work. In fact, we live in an unjust world--the kind of world that crucified the Son of God and regards, as St. Paul says in 1 Corinthians, the message of the cross a foolish scandal, something utterly ridiculous and unworthy to be believed. But, says the Apostle, God chose the foolish and weak things of the world to confound the wise and the strong; and so for us "who are being saved" Christ is the wisdom and power of God. The wisdom of God's folly is the cross, in which weakness overcomes strength. Jesus Christ defeated the powers of the world not by being stronger, tougher, or more rugged--but because He stretched out His arms and said, "Forgive them Father" and gasps His last breath being swallowed up into death and hell; He rises from the dead in victory over and against sin, death, hell, and the devil. And so we confess the victory of the Son of God, which is victory for us. God became weak for the weak, He became foolish for the foolish, in order that He might call to Himself weak fools and make them saints--bearers of the good news of God in and for the world.

I haven't experienced your specific situation, and I don't know that I have specific answers on what to do. But I hope to point toward the Cross, for it is here at the cross that our minds are transformed, our patterns and ways of thinking are crucified and we must re-think everything about the world in light of that Cross. It is impossible to confront the cross of our Lord and Savior and not be changed in some way. Martin Luther wrote crux probat omnia, the cross probes/measures everything.

-CryptoLutheran

 

[apogee]

First of all, I will apologize for the long post. I have just exhausted all my possibilities, I’m hoping just one person reads this post and says “that’s me, I was there.” A little over 21 months ago I received a text from my wife sating she was leaving me. About 2 days later my journey started. God convicted me on a back, dirt road (someday I would love to give my testimonial titled with that). Anyways, I was saved at the age of 9 and was a tiptoe Christian until that road, 38 years later. I a had to change, I needed to change.
My focus was on me, I only tried to focus on my sins, short comings, etc. I read every morning, prayed all day, found a church home, witnessed, etc. One of the things I prayEd for was reconciliation of my marriage. I tried to take the Christian route, my wife, her lawyer, my lawyer did not take the same route. The last 21 months have been hell for me. I just took it, figured it was my penance or allowing me to grow.
The more I grew the more questions I had. Some days the more doubts I had. I always went back to prayer, to the Bible. Long ago I prayed for the Lord to change my heart and my mind. To think of Him and holy things instead of anger, bitterness, depression, etc. unfortunately that has yet to happen. My idle moments are nothing but angry thoughts, how bad things are and also how bad things may end up when it is finally complete. Depression, sadness and fear is just as equal.
Here is where I am. Why will god not answer my prayers. Would I love another chance of marriage, to be able to see my son everyday, not just half? Sure, but maybe that is not in His plan. It kills me but I accept it. I have prayed to somehow feel His presence, it has also been ignored. Maybe that was selfish also. What is killing me, my walk and some days has me on the verge of walking away is how He has not answered my Prayers concerning my heart and mind. Those aren’t selfish!! I need him, my mind needs a break!! I so so so seek him in my heart. I have followed every positive action I think of in order to help change my heart and relieve my mind, to no avail.
What is left, is 21 months not long enough? I am not Job, nor David. Have you been there? What happened to you? Is there hope? Thanks for anyone’s input

Hi, I'm about 14 months in, I have three kids (2,4 & 10) and my ex-(wife) has a female partner, who also has 3 kids. There is no animosity, at least not anymore, my ex-wife's relationship precipitated the breakdown, but really was just a manifestation of it(because she is gay). I spend a significant amount of time at my wife's partners house, and I have a healthy and friendly relationship with both her and her kids, which is often viewed with suspicion, because there is no conceptual framework, for how that could ever work, and yet it does (to my shock sometimes - her son was particularly excited when I came to watch his game).

I'm not sure how this translates to your situation, if at all. It sounds like your ex, her lawyer, or both (but probably the lawyer) have set the terms of engagement, which sounds horrifically painful, frustrating and dis-empowering but if there is anything that you can do, to alter those terms(there might not be), it will empower you.

My kids spend a significant proportion of their time with their mother, mostly when I need to work, and I feel their absence and fear for the future too. It took me a while to process the loss of my combined identity as husband/father and i wouldn't claim to be there, but I am still a father and try to invest even more fully in that, than I would have done previously.

I am lucky, because it is easy (but false) for me to absolve myself of any responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage. I would love the opportunity to redo certain aspects of it, but this is outside of my control now and I need to focus on what is inside my control. It is not selfish to want to spend time with your son, and even if it were there would be no value in punishing yourself.

I am lucky because I don't have to endlessly introspect about my failures, if I wanted to, I could just shift the whole lot onto her, it wouldn't do me any good, but I could definitely do it. I get depressed, sad and fearful too, mostly fearful - of the future.

Somebody advised you not to enter any relationships with anyone else, my advice is do whatever the hell keeps you sane and healthy, loneliness is a killer, although the whole online dating thing is almost as soul destroying.

I don't think God has done any of this to me, and if I thought that he had, I would respectfully decline the opportunity to 'grow', in favour of being the devoted husband and dad that I previously was. God is your friend, but the majority of well-intentioned, semi-theological, pseudo-Christian relationship advice is probably not.

I'd say quit giving yourself a hard time, your ex is already paying a very expensive lawyer to do that for you, but it's clearly not that easy.

 

[EmethAlethia]

Been here. Been through it. Lost my kids too. They were moved out of state. So yes, I get it. She professed to be a Christian, but in her words and deeds she wasn't. "If you love Me you will keep My commandments." "Why do you call Me Lord, Lord, when you do not do as I say?" ...

Here's another:

1Co 7:15 Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.

That last one helped. Obviously, based on actions and deeds she was not. I pray for her salvation.

My two boys and I have a great relationship now. I asked them both, "Have I EVER lied to you?" They both replied, "Never." I then asked, has your mother ever lied to you? The reply, "Hell yes ... tons."

I still remind them to call her on Mother's Day, and her birthday. No, I do not want to see her. She is remarried now. Both her and her husband are millionaires many times over. Like her kids say, "She's all about money."

So, I ask you, are you willing to obey God's command in 1Co.7:15? Let her go. Seek God. Seek truth. YOU HAVE NO BONDAGE AT ALL(As it says in that verse). YOU ARE FREE IN THE EYES OF GOD. Move on.

By the way, I did find a godly woman and have been married for over 10 years. I love her dearly. She watched what my ex did to me and her kids. She has a hard time forgiving her for all the pain she caused. But that is life. Sin always causes pain.

Pray for your ex. Pray for her salvation. Pray she will see the truth one day. I pray for mine.

 

[Timber70]

Hi, I'm about 14 months in, I have three kids (2,4 & 10) and my ex-(wife) has a female partner, who also has 3 kids. There is no animosity, at least not anymore, my ex-wife's relationship precipitated the breakdown, but really was just a manifestation of it(because she is gay). I spend a significant amount of time at my wife's partners house, and I have a healthy and friendly relationship with both her and her kids, which is often viewed with suspicion, because there is no conceptual framework, for how that could ever work, and yet it does (to my shock sometimes - her son was particularly excited when I came to watch his game).

I'm not sure how this translates to your situation, if at all. It sounds like your ex, her lawyer, or both (but probably the lawyer) have set the terms of engagement, which sounds horrifically painful, frustrating and dis-empowering but if there is anything that you can do, to alter those terms(there might not be), it will empower you.

My kids spend a significant proportion of their time with their mother, mostly when I need to work, and I feel their absence and fear for the future too. It took me a while to process the loss of my combined identity as husband/father and i wouldn't claim to be there, but I am still a father and try to invest even more fully in that, than I would have done previously.

I am lucky, because it is easy (but false) for me to absolve myself of any responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage. I would love the opportunity to redo certain aspects of it, but this is outside of my control now and I need to focus on what is inside my control. It is not selfish to want to spend time with your son, and even if it were there would be no value in punishing yourself.

I am lucky because I don't have to endlessly introspect about my failures, if I wanted to, I could just shift the whole lot onto her, it wouldn't do me any good, but I could definitely do it. I get depressed, sad and fearful too, mostly fearful - of the future.

Somebody advised you not to enter any relationships with anyone else, my advice is do whatever the hell keeps you sane and healthy, loneliness is a killer, although the whole online dating thing is almost as soul destroying.

I don't think God has done any of this to me, and if I thought that he had, I would respectfully decline the opportunity to 'grow', in favour of being the devoted husband and dad that I previously was. God is your friend, but the majority of well-intentioned, semi-theological, pseudo-Christian relationship advice is probably not.

I'd say quit giving yourself a hard time, your ex is already paying a very expensive lawyer to do that for you, but it's clearly not that easy.

Thank you for your advise. Some great points. I appreciate it. I have no desire for another relationship. My focus is on my son and my walk with the Lord. Dont think I am meant to be in relationships. Unfortunately my father was diagnosed with liver cancer last Tuesday. Not much the doctors can do about it. So my focus has at least been focused on something else other then the divorce. Thanks again. Appreciate your help

 

[Timber70]

Been here. Been through it. Lost my kids too. They were moved out of state. So yes, I get it. She professed to be a Christian, but in her words and deeds she wasn't. "If you love Me you will keep My commandments." "Why do you call Me Lord, Lord, when you do not do as I say?" ...

Here's another:

1Co 7:15 Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.

That last one helped. Obviously, based on actions and deeds she was not. I pray for her salvation.

My two boys and I have a great relationship now. I asked them both, "Have I EVER lied to you?" They both replied, "Never." I then asked, has your mother ever lied to you? The reply, "Hell yes ... tons."

I still remind them to call her on Mother's Day, and her birthday. No, I do not want to see her. She is remarried now. Both her and her husband are millionaires many times over. Like her kids say, "She's all about money."

So, I ask you, are you willing to obey God's command in 1Co.7:15? Let her go. Seek God. Seek truth. YOU HAVE NO BONDAGE AT ALL(As it says in that verse). YOU ARE FREE IN THE EYES OF GOD. Move on.

By the way, I did find a godly woman and have been married for over 10 years. I love her dearly. She watched what my ex did to me and her kids. She has a hard time forgiving her for all the pain she caused. But that is life. Sin always causes pain.

Pray for your ex. Pray for her salvation. Pray she will see the truth one day. I pray for mine.

Thank you. So happy also you found someone!

 

[mindfulzen]

I was never married, but was in an undefined romantic relationship with a woman for over 10 years. No kids, apart from one of her children that I partly help raise, by doing the fun stuff, not diciplining and helping with schoolwork. So no messy split with legal stuff about assets and kids.

It ended badly. I thought we just messed up at various times when we ended up in bed with others. But it turned out it was her lifestyle. And I kind of knew it from the start, without wanting to admit it, since she never slept alone at weekends when I first met her. She claimed she just needed to be held, and it was no sex, haha. After some months of getting to know eachother, we kind of shared bed, and it lasted 10 years. With periods of sleeping in separate bedrooms. It got too much for me, with her dragging guys into her bedroom multiple times a day, various guys, sometimes 4-5 at a time. So I got totallyworn down, and she would never admit it, and talk about it. And it was like psychic terror for 2 years.

Then she started using my family and few friends to terrorize me, since she had pumped me for information over the years, and I had drunkenly told her some stuff about drugs, which she was very against, apart from the one time she smoked weed with me. So my friends did not like that and helped her. Then I was so weak, and one of my friends was being used to get me to try all sorts of drugs, suddenly he wanted me to do speed, some pills and shrooms. I resisted, and watch him do shrooms and get messed up. Did snort some speed with him a few weekends, and got hooked on the pills that I tried. And they messed me up, bit fuzzy memory from those 6 months or 1 year. She kept on breaking me down, and eventually manipulated me into going to my doctor, and say exactly what she wanted me to say. Andby doing so, I was given some other pills by the doctor to stop the other ones, and had to do some drugcounceling, and now she really had ammo and power. I had forgotten that she was registered as next of kin at my doctor, so then she had taken over my doctor in reality

I moved away. Did the counceling and bloodtests for a year. Everything I told her, I was retold in a paraphrased way from friends, that she used in this game. So I stopped speaking to all, apart from her after a while, and one of the former friends. I talked to her drunk, then my friend would call a day or two later, drunk, and yell, "stop talking". He got pretty messed up, and ended up going to jail for stabbing somebody at a party. The other one who tried to get me to do hard drugs, he is at the senior centre, trying to recover from his various addictions. She does not care that they are colleteral damage. I was angry and silent for a few years, only really talked to her, which fueled my anger.

I became christian after that, and the years went by with anger and depression. Eventually I went home to my parents to "celebrate" christmas with their family. And it became to much for me that christmas with terror from them, through her, so I did not have enough energy to drive home. So kind of stayed. And died a little more inside, with every interaction with parents or brothers. And her on the phone. Then all of a sudden after a talk with her, I realized that I had to quit antidepressants and get a clear mind, find my own strength. That way I could start dealing with the anger. I did not talk to her for 18 months according to her. When I called her in april, to tell her that I was not angry anymore, and that I forgive her. After I had moved into a house alone, 3 months before. And read the bible some. But she is not done with her anger. She called me once a month for the 18 months, and she got her daughter to call to. By not being in contact, getting anger filled, I could deal with it, and lose depression.

This took 10 years for me. Her anger will never let me go though. After telling her that I will not lie even to protect her, or to her, she is stressed out. That I will finally tell my parents and their sons the truth. So, she requested that I come visit. Would like to sort it out, but worried if it is a trap. Perhaps she has some dudes waiting to give me a beating to keep me shut up. Best to drop the anger, so it does not turn into a war of the roses situation. Because when others are dragged in and involved, it drags them down too. So it will affect your kid. I cannot point you in a direction, just tell you that I can relate.