Advice For Marrying Your Best Friend

[Struggling Sinner]

Pope Benedict’s Advice For Marrying Your Best Friend

Posted on January 7, 2013 by Lisa Duffy

I recently read an article about what makes a marriage last and the Twitter responses to it. One tweet read:

My parents’ marriage taught me that happiness is being married to my best friend.

Personally, I agree with this statement. But in this world of disposable marriages and chronic infidelity, how do you know when you’ve got the real deal? You know, like Jim and Pam on The Office or maybe like your own parents who might be married for forty years or more?

Being best friends means so much more than having the same sense of humor, enjoying time with each other, or never running out of things to talk about. Best friends are the ones that will stick with you when the chips are down, period. Best friends will never throw you under the bus and will always give you the benefit of the doubt. Best friends never quit on you, even when the relationship gets difficult. Best friends always defend you infront of others.

Last June, Pope Benedict XVI addressed almost half a million people attending the “Celebration of Witnesses” in Milan, Italy, regarding issues that modern families face. In particular, a question from an engaged couple brought about an exceptional point made by the Pope. The couple spoke of the anxiety they felt when faced with the “forever” of Marriage. Pope Benedict explained:

“Falling in love, being an emotion, is not eternal. The emotion of love must be purified”, he said. “It must undertake a journey of discernment in which the mind and the will also come into play. … In the rite of Marriage the Church does not ask whether you are in love but whether you want, whether you are resolved. In other words, falling in love must become true love; it must involve the will and the mind in a journey (which is the period of engagement) of purification, of greater profundity so that it is truly all of man, with all his capacities, with the discernment of reason and the force of will, who says: ‘Yes, this is my life’”.

Pope Benedict further stated other important factors help form strong marriages such as healthy friendships with others in their communities, the Church, and of course, with God, Himself and this is so true. Even the happiest newlyweds need to go through this purification process if they want to endure all the trials that life throws their way.

There have been many trials and tribulations in my own marriage, but I’ve come to understand that each one has played a huge role in strengthening my love and friendship with my spouse, not the opposite. With each obstacle that has presented itself to us, we decided we would work together to clear the path instead of pointing fingers or giving up. This has made our relationship a million times more wonderful than when we first got married.

Just last week, we celebrating at our annual New Year’s Eve oyster fest/block party. Steamed oysters, chargrilled oysters, Frogmore stew and tons of other great food were on hand for a chilly, but very fun time. My husband and I were talking with a neighbor and my husband noticed I did not have a plate. He asked me if I was ready to eat and if he could get me something. It was a simple, thoughtful request but our neighbor just about fell over. He said, “Did she pay you to say that infront of me?” I laughed and said, “No, he’s always that nice to me.” But inside, I felt sad that a small courtesy between husband and wife should be such a unique thing. Even so, it’s something like this, after nearly 13 years of marriage, that reminds me what a gift it is to be married to your best friend.

As you search for the one you will call your best friend, keep in mind our Holy Father’s pearls of wisdom… the emotion of love must be purified. The emotions and excitement of your relationship today will serve as a foundation for your marriage relationship and any challenges you will face as a couple. If you allow these challenges to purify your love, you will experience an incredible love in the future, one far better than you could have imagined.

Source

 

[MKJ]

I think this marrying your best friend thing is modernist romantic schmaltz.

Through the vast majority of the history of Christianity, that is not how it has been done. That being the case, I find it hard to believe that it is an essential to a good marriage.

In itself, there is probably nothing wrong with marrying your best friend. But this idea that it is the ideal has, IMO, done a lot of violence both to marriage and to friendship.

Strange as it sounds, I think it is a much better comparison to say you should marry your sibling. Maybe you aren't always a lot alike, or maybe you dont have a lot of hobbies in common, or whatever. But you love and accept each other despite that and make a life together based on shared values and shared family life.

You probably also have other people in your life besides your sibling who fulfill the role of best friend. Our custom these days seems to be to isolate nuclear families not only from the extended family, but from networks of friends. Couples depend to much on each other to fulfill all their intimate social needs.

This is a bad thing. It puts a lot of pressure on marriages and families.

It also accounts for the fact that people now think real intimate friendship has sexual implications.

 

[Struggling Sinner]

I think this marrying your best friend thing is modernist romantic schmaltz.

Through the vast majority of the history of Christianity, that is not how it has been done. That being the case, I find it hard to believe that it is an essential to a good marriage.

In itself, there is probably nothing wrong with marrying your best friend. But this idea that it is the ideal has, IMO, done a lot of violence both to marriage and to friendship.

Strange as it sounds, I think it is a much better comparison to say you should marry your sibling. Maybe you aren't always a lot alike, or maybe you dont have a lot of hobbies in common, or whatever. But you love and accept each other despite that and make a life together based on shared values and shared family life.

You probably also have other people in your life besides your sibling who fulfill the role of best friend. Our custom these days seems to be to isolate nuclear families not only from the extended family, but from networks of friends. Couples depend to much on each other to fulfill all their intimate social needs.

This is a bad thing. It puts a lot of pressure on marriages and families.

It also accounts for the fact that people now think real intimate friendship has sexual implications.

It seems you are critiquing the title of the article. But what do you think about the content of it, for example, the quote from Pope Benedict XVI on what true love is in the context of marriage in the Church?

 

[MKJ]

I think it would have been much better just to print what Benedict had to say than try to shoe-horn it into schmaltzy vapid clichés about marriage.

 

[MikeK]

I think that maybe people should marry their dream lovers instead of their best friends.

As Paul said, it is best not to marry - but marriage is okay for those of us who would burn with passion if not for the licit sexual outlet that marriage provides.

We're only allowed to have sex with our spouses. Sexual intimacy is the only thing that is supposed to be 100% unique to the relationship. We are permitted as many drinking buddies, teammates, pets, siblings, penpals, and TV-viewing partners at a time as we can juggle - but our sexual desires may only be met by one person. Might as well walk the Earth until you find someone that you quite literally cannot make yourself resist (mutually, of course) and then marry them. While it may happen that for unforseen reason your desire or ability to engage in sexual relations may disappear, just about any other foundation could crumble too.

 

[Struggling Sinner]

I think that maybe people should marry their dream lovers instead of their best friends.

As Paul said, it is best not to marry - but marriage is okay for those of us who would burn with passion if not for the licit sexual outlet that marriage provides.

We're only allowed to have sex with our spouses. Sexual intimacy is the only thing that is supposed to be 100% unique to the relationship. We are permitted as many drinking buddies, teammates, pets, siblings, penpals, and TV-viewing partners at a time as we can juggle - but our sexual desires may only be met by one person. Might as well walk the Earth until you find someone that you quite literally cannot make yourself resist (mutually, of course) and then marry them. While it may happen that for unforseen reason your desire or ability to engage in sexual relations may disappear, just about any other foundation could crumble too.

People who get married on sexual attraction alone are guaranteed to get divorced since sexual attraction fades over time.

 

[MKJ]

I think that maybe people should marry their dream lovers instead of their best friends.

As Paul said, it is best not to marry - but marriage is okay for those of us who would burn with passion if not for the licit sexual outlet that marriage provides.

We're only allowed to have sex with our spouses. Sexual intimacy is the only thing that is supposed to be 100% unique to the relationship. We are permitted as many drinking buddies, teammates, pets, siblings, penpals, and TV-viewing partners at a time as we can juggle - but our sexual desires may only be met by one person. Might as well walk the Earth until you find someone that you quite literally cannot make yourself resist (mutually, of course) and then marry them. While it may happen that for unforseen reason your desire or ability to engage in sexual relations may disappear, just about any other foundation could crumble too.

Unfortunately, Russle Crowe et al are already taken. No dream lovers for me.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

This October my wife and myself will have been married for forty years.

However, we go back to when we were both five years old and the little blond girl who lived next to my grandfather's, caught my eye.

We also dated off and on in high-school until we met again when I was home on leave from the Marines.

Is she my best friend ? You bet, but even more.

We keep nothing from each other.

She's also my spiritual adviser, in that we share our spiritual journey with each other, helping each other in our dry spells and rejoicing in our high-points.

I couldn't imagine life with out my best friend, my soul-mate, my love, my wife.

Jim

 

[Genersis]

I would be so lucky to marry my best friend.

Ah well, loves an odd game, many people rarely have much of a choice in who they end up playing it with or sometimes even how they play it; so I think efforts to try and change how people approach love are largely destined to fail. It's something that changes by itself, it seems.

 

[sonshine234]

I married my best friend and it is no modernist romantic schmaltz

 

[Gwendolyn]

For some people, marrying their best friend is not the same thing as marrying someone they are very sexually attracted to.

I know way too many people who bought into the "best friend" thing and now their marriages are suffering because one spouse is not attracted to the other, or neither of them are attracted to each other. They have a platonic love, but the sexual aspect isn't there - which is what marriage is supposed to be about. Sexual love is an important component.

The most depressing thing was when I found out one of my acquaintances cheats on his wife. He isn't attracted to her, but she's his best friend. He is asian, most sexually attracted to white women, but married an asian in order to tow the family line. So, he plays good husband on the surface while seeking out white women to have sex with on the side.

Sexual attraction to the person you are going to marry is vital.

 

[MKJ]

I married my best friend and it is no modernist romantic schmaltz

So you think that all the people in history who did not marry their best friends were missing some inherent and essential part of marriage.

It is the idea that that is what marriage is about, or that is what makes a good marriage, that is the problem. Not necessarily any one instance of a person marrying his best friend.

 

[Gwendolyn]

So you think that all the people in history who did not marry their best friends were missing some inherent and essential part of marriage.

It is the idea that that is what marriage is about, or that is what makes a good marriage, that is the problem. Not necessarily any one instance of a person marrying his best friend.

well, I think loveless marriages are a great tragedy.

 

[MKJ]

well, I think loveless marriages are a great tragedy.

No doubt. We are told we should love our spouse.

Loveless marriages do not seem to be particularly a quality of marriages that come from other approaches than our western one though.

But here is the thing - through a lot of history marriage has not been based on friendship - in many cases men and women have not really been able to be friends, their educations and daily life and interests have been too different. Marriage and married love centered around children, the home life and its economic activities, and a kind of acceptance and care or the spouse in that context.

Many people had really good marriages under that way of thinking. each spouse had a role, they appreciated the other, willed their good and cherished them.

These are the things you have to have to be in a good marriage.

Friendship is about other things. Looking at something and discovering you see it in the same way, enjoying activities together, maybe even things like being in a similar stage of life, talking about ideas. These may be transitory things in some cases, and friendships can and do naturally wane.

Of course it is possible to have both friendship and marriage together if the individuals are compatible in both ways. But it is not necessary, unless people have been told it is, and then when they do not have that they worry. And because friendship can be impermanent, and marriage is permanent, that becomes something that can be a real problem.

 

[sonshine234]

So you think that all the people in history who did not marry their best friends were missing some inherent and essential part of marriage.

It is the idea that that is what marriage is about, or that is what makes a good marriage, that is the problem. Not necessarily any one instance of a person marrying his best friend.

No, I think you necessarily don't know what your talking about in every circumstance so stop assuming you do. Just because you had a bad experience doesn't mean everyone did

 

[Jimmy P]

I'm married to my best friend as well...

We've known each other for 13 years now...We were best buds right from the get go...

This gal knows me thoroughly...only one that knows me better is God Himself...

We have been with each other through the hardest of times...and came out on top...we borrow from each other's strengths...We have laughed together, cried together...

And we can count on ONE hand, ALL of our arguments...

Marriage wise, this November will be 11 yrs...am I still attracted to her? I sure am...even MORE than when we were first married...I find her MORE beautiful each day...going to the store, we STILL hold hands...and I get that warm, gooey, fuzzy feeling
Many times even NOW, I will still get weak in the knees...

The longer we're together, the more in love we fall...it just can't be described...I am so thankful for her...

 

[Tigg]

This October my wife and myself will have been married for forty years.

However, we go back to when we were both five years old and the little blond girl who lived next to my grandfather's, caught my eye.

We also dated off and on in high-school until we met again when I was home on leave from the Marines.

Is she my best friend ? You bet, but even more.

We keep nothing from each other.

She's also my spiritual adviser, in that we share our spiritual journey with each other, helping each other in our dry spells and rejoicing in our high-points.

I couldn't imagine life with out my best friend, my soul-mate, my love, my wife.

Jim

A pleasure to read your post.

 

[servant of Merciful Love]

This October my wife and myself will have been married for forty years.

However, we go back to when we were both five years old and the little blond girl who lived next to my grandfather's, caught my eye.

We also dated off and on in high-school until we met again when I was home on leave from the Marines.

Is she my best friend ? You bet, but even more.

We keep nothing from each other.

She's also my spiritual adviser, in that we share our spiritual journey with each other, helping each other in our dry spells and rejoicing in our high-points.

I couldn't imagine life with out my best friend, my soul-mate, my love, my wife.

Jim

*Thanks to Jimmy P for the head's up; I missed your post
Awwww (Happy tears) I couldn't imagine life without you either Hon
I have been truly blessed by your love ~ God bless you dear heart

A pleasure to read your post.

I agree

 

[Struggling Sinner]

I'm married to my best friend as well...

As am I. My wife is my best friend.

The "war of the sexes" is one of the worst things that radical feminism did to the world.

.

 

[MKJ]

No, I think you necessarily don't know what your talking about in every circumstance so stop assuming you do. Just because you had a bad experience doesn't mean everyone did

I know a little bit about the history of the sacrament of marriage in Christianity, which I do not see anyone talking about here.

I haven't had a bad experience in my marriage - its pretty happy. Being a modern Westerner, I am also friends with my husband - that is the normal way we find spouses in our culture.

That does not mean that it is, or should be, normative, or that there are not disadvantages to that approach.

Shocking as it seems, it is possible to see beyond our own individual experiences when we think about things like marriage. That is part of the point of the Church which is not bound by time and space.