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Advice for hurting wife

Discussion in 'Ministry Spouses' started by secretplace, Aug 10, 2009.

  1. secretplace

    secretplace New Member


    I wanted to know if there are women out there whose husbands (in full time ministry) may have admitted to having an emotional affair.

    If you are out there and you got through it please tell me where do I begin to pick up the pieces? I feel so betrayed as he is such a sweet and loving person, I am standing by him through all of this and am not allowing myself to condemn him in anyway. Everyone who has come to know about it is praising me for being such a good example to other wives but inside I am hurting so much.

    If you have been there and you got through it, how did you get through the hurt?
  2. Sleepless

    Sleepless Newbie

    Dear Hunting Wife,

    How are you being a "good example" by holding in your pain and allowing him to not have any consequences for his, let's all say it, "sinful" behavior? Yes, I can tell you, from experience, that being a good wife does not mean that you have to tollerate his betrayal of your marriage vows. He is not as sweet and loving as you say if he did this to you, at least not in this instance. In order for you to get through your pain, (if you don't this will fester in side you and come out eventually,) you both need to go to marriage counciling. This does several things: 1) Forces him to have to admit the pain he has caused you and the wongfulness of his sin, 2) Gives you a chance to find out what about your marriage made you husband think it was worth the risk to engage in this affair (doesn't matter if it was only emotional, is still betrayal, 3) Gives you both the proper steps to put this behind you, while allowing you the time to grieve, which is important in the healing process.

    My husband, whom I trusted without question in this area and was even studying for the ministry, apparently had a porno problem. I can't tell you the hurt and pain I felt when I found out. He didn't see it as "cheating" either. A Christian councelor was a big help. We are doing really good now and I have even come to understand my part in pushing him to this temptation.

    Good Luck. Be strong. and remember, it is ok to be mad, even Jesus got mad a couple of times.
  3. Criada

    Criada Well-Known Member Supporter

    Christian Seeker
    It is great that you are standing by him... but please make some space for your own feelings. Do you have someone you can talk to honestly about your feelings, without having to wear the 'good wife' mask?
    You have a lot of hurt and anger to work through... pushing it down inside will just make things worse.
    You can still stand by him and forgive him, but you need to be able to scream and rant safely as well. Talking about it here is a first step to overcoming it, but you really need to talk as well... to a friend, a counsellor, a pastor, whoever you are comfortable with.

    Praying for you both. :hug:
  4. Dixiecup

    Dixiecup Newbie

    How did you find out about the emotional affair? Did he tell you about it, or did the other person involved spill the beans? Did the "emotional" affair cross the line to the physical? Was your husband counseling this other woman for an issue in her life? Many times men feel the need to protect women who are having an issue.

    Facts of life are not black and white, that would be too easy. The truth is that even if you’re married (men and women) you will still have attractions to other people, sexual attractions. This is normal. It has to do with hormones. Attractions are biological. It makes us feel alive. How these attractions are handled is another thing altogether. How committed is to the relationship/marriage is the other offended or the offendee? Can the two of you understand these facts of life and move forward in your commitment to each other? Grow from this = maturing in your marriage and in God.

    If you fight this you may grow apart and your love for God is nothing more that an oppressed religion. Jesus = freedom. Jesus understands these things and forgives us, but he also wants us to understand life and why things happen as they do.

    Let's be truthful here. We all know men look at attractive women and women check out attractive men. What really tells who we are, is how we handle this. It also shows us our relationship to God. We all sin (lust), and that is why Jesus gave us the gift of His sacrifice on the cross.

    Forgive your husband as this very thing could happen to you as well.

    I hope this helps and I'll pray for you as well.
  5. Big Country

    Big Country Newbie

    As a [sober] sex addict I saw my wife suffer the same way as a result of my choices. It's taken a while to work thru the hurt and betrayal and begin to rebuild a healthy relationship - we're still recovering from it. Three things that helped us the most are:

    1.) Get help. Counseling, books, groups therapy, etc... You both need help working thru this. Seek the counsel of Christian brothers and sisters. Like the word says, a chord of many strands is not easily broken..., as iron sharpens iron..., plans fail for lack of wise counsel..., etc.... Tap into the resources around you.
    2.) Get together. You have to battle this as a couple if you expect your marriage to survive it. Daily prayer as a couple, daily bible study as a couple is a brilliant place to start. Difficult times should drive you closer together, not divide you.
    3.) Get real. You can't ignore your emotions and he can't minimize the damage he's done. The only way to the other side is to work through the problem, not around it.

    Hope this helps. I know it's hard, but it can gets better. You have to work at it though.
  6. heron

    heron Legend

    In Relationship
    What is the difference between a good friendship and an emotional affair? It sounds like the admission of guilt for entertaining desires is the clincher. I have plenty of friends who are men, and we don't entertain the idea of affairs.

    Sorry that you are going through this. I just wonder if he is turning it into a bigger deal, maybe to communicate something different to you.

    Some pastors have a policy that they will not meet alone with a woman for counseling. They invite another elder to sit in on the sessions. You could ask your husband to begin trying that policy. In the long run, it will also protect him from potential false accusations.