Advice for Grand Dad

[Carl Emerson]

Hi there,

I am keen to understand the role of Grand Dad and this may vary depending on culture.

I am coming unstuck when confronting my two grand chidren about behaviours that I feel are inappropriate in our house when they come to stay.

I am being told that to be confrontational is inappropriate and that the Holy Spirit is always gentle. There is apparently no place for a stern word.

It seems that todays approach to raising children varies greatly from what I am familiar with.

This is further complicated by the fact that our Govt. passed a law against smacking which has meant parents have to fall back on psychological manipulation, 'time out' etc.

This generation of children are very entitled as a result.

I do work hard on developing relationships of trust and in general things are sweet.

Sadly, however, a word of correction results in my being considered somewhat of a villian.

Maybe my manner is the problem but I fail to see any issue scripturally with being firm.

Help...

 

[joshua 1 9]

Sadly, however, a word of correction results in my being considered somewhat of a villian.

We just teach them right from wrong. Why should that be a problem? There is a real spirit of rebellion in our media. I remember when that first began on MTV and that sort of stuff.

 

[Jeshu]

Hi there,

I am keen to understand the role of Grand Dad and this may vary depending on culture.

I am coming unstuck when confronting my two grand chidren about behaviours that I feel are inappropriate in our house when they come to stay.

I am being told that to be confrontational is inappropriate and that the Holy Spirit is always gentle. There is apparently no place for a stern word.

It seems that todays approach to raising children varies greatly from what I am familiar with.

This is further complicated by the fact that our Govt. passed a law against smacking which has meant parents have to fall back on psychological manipulation, 'time out' etc.

This generation of children are very entitled as a result.

I do work hard on developing relationships of trust and in general things are sweet.

Sadly, however, a word of correction results in my being considered somewhat of a villian.

Maybe my manner is the problem but I fail to see any issue scripturally with being firm.

Help...

Frustrating isn't it?

We found that warning about sin is better than forbidding sin. So we try and influence our grand children by exposing sin in its misery and warning them away from thinking or being like that that way.

We found that because the kids are not physically punished they speak about their sin much more openly and without fear, this helps the process along. However this only begins to work at the ages four upwards, with the younger ones it can be frustrating to try and distract them away from the wrongs shaping in their hearts. Unconditionally love can manage though.

As long as children know they are genuinely loved they will be open to correction, without us finding the need to be harsh or punish them physically.

So can being a granddad be a challenge indeed!

 

[Aussie Pete]

Hi there,

I am keen to understand the role of Grand Dad and this may vary depending on culture.

I am coming unstuck when confronting my two grand chidren about behaviours that I feel are inappropriate in our house when they come to stay.

I am being told that to be confrontational is inappropriate and that the Holy Spirit is always gentle. There is apparently no place for a stern word.

It seems that todays approach to raising children varies greatly from what I am familiar with.

This is further complicated by the fact that our Govt. passed a law against smacking which has meant parents have to fall back on psychological manipulation, 'time out' etc.

This generation of children are very entitled as a result.

I do work hard on developing relationships of trust and in general things are sweet.

Sadly, however, a word of correction results in my being considered somewhat of a villian.

Maybe my manner is the problem but I fail to see any issue scripturally with being firm.

Help...

Yes, correcting children in our society is unacceptable. A non-Christian psychologist recently wrote an article saying that uncorrected behaviour is leading to kids becoming hardened criminals before they are out of their teens. Who did not see this coming? The bleeding heart blame shifters who run our public services, that's who.

Best quote re grandchildren. "If I'd known what grandchildren are like, I would have had them first".

 

[GTW27]

Hi there,

I am keen to understand the role of Grand Dad and this may vary depending on culture.

I am coming unstuck when confronting my two grand chidren about behaviours that I feel are inappropriate in our house when they come to stay.

I am being told that to be confrontational is inappropriate and that the Holy Spirit is always gentle. There is apparently no place for a stern word.

It seems that todays approach to raising children varies greatly from what I am familiar with.

This is further complicated by the fact that our Govt. passed a law against smacking which has meant parents have to fall back on psychological manipulation, 'time out' etc.

This generation of children are very entitled as a result.

I do work hard on developing relationships of trust and in general things are sweet.

Sadly, however, a word of correction results in my being considered somewhat of a villian.

Maybe my manner is the problem but I fail to see any issue scripturally with being firm.

Help...

Blessings in Christ Jesus! Abide by the rules of the house. If it is another house, abide in their rules, if it is your house, then always remember that your house is The Lords house as well. In His house His rules apply which include being firm when one needs to be firm. This is part of, "growing a child up in the way that he should go". To be firm comes from love.

 

[Carl Emerson]

Blessings in Christ Jesus! Abide by the rules of the house. If it is another house, abide in their rules, if it is your house, then always remember that your house is The Lords house as well. In His house His rules apply which include being firm when one needs to be firm. This is part of, "growing a child up in the way that he should go". To be firm comes from love.

Yes that is how I understand it but it is going down like a lead balloon...

 

[miamited]

Hi carl,

I've smacked/spank, can you send me the legal reference to this law that you say has been passed. This is what I found: Can you legally spank your child? The short answer is yes. In all 50 states and the District of Columbia, you are not forbidden by law to use corporal punishment on your child as long as the form of punishment is reasonable and does not cause injury.

It does have to be reasonable. So smacking a toddler's bottom is ok. Wailing on that same bottom with 8-10 smacks is not. I've found that one good smack generally gets the attention needed. Spanking an elementary age child is also acceptable with a good swift wack. However, again, wailing on the bottom or smacking about the face or repeated smacking anywhere else on the body is not acceptable.

Maybe I have better children than others, but I've found that a single, or at most two, bottom smacks is generally sufficient to get a child's attention.

Once a child reaches middle school and high school age, if a parent is still having to resort to corporal punishment for corrective action, they lost the battle long ago.

God bless,
In Christ, ted

 

[Carl Emerson]

In our country good parents have ended up in court for having been seen to snack their child. The politicians have swallowed the line that smacking = violence

However smacking is not my issue, it is the objection to a stern word that I am being called out on.

 

[Carl Emerson]

Anti-Smacking | Family First NZ

This is a read for those interested in how our anti-smacking law is not working.

Well over 80% of the population voted against it and it was rammed through by those who 'knew better'.

 

[Llleopard]

Hi there,

I am keen to understand the role of Grand Dad and this may vary depending on culture.

I am coming unstuck when confronting my two grand chidren about behaviours that I feel are inappropriate in our house when they come to stay.

I am being told that to be confrontational is inappropriate and that the Holy Spirit is always gentle. There is apparently no place for a stern word.

It seems that todays approach to raising children varies greatly from what I am familiar with.

This is further complicated by the fact that our Govt. passed a law against smacking which has meant parents have to fall back on psychological manipulation, 'time out' etc.

This generation of children are very entitled as a result.

I do work hard on developing relationships of trust and in general things are sweet.

Sadly, however, a word of correction results in my being considered somewhat of a villian.

Maybe my manner is the problem but I fail to see any issue scripturally with being firm.

Help...

Hi fellow Kiwi! Who is telling you that you're being confrontational? The parents, or the kids themselves?

 

[Carl Emerson]

Both...

Basically boundaries are out of vogue. If I make a firm stand the children will complain to the parents.

It freaks me out because when they are in my care it gets to the point of being dangerous when there is passing traffic because yelling out instructions for their safety is frowned upon.

The whole notion of discipline has long departed and we have a generation of entitled brats... (excuse the term please I couldnt think of any other word.)

I maybe old school but ignoring the biblical advice on bringing up children has been discarded and we will see the fruit of this foolishness in years to come.

 

[Tolworth John]

Hi there,

I am keen to understand the role of Grand Dad and this may vary depending on culture.

I am coming unstuck when confronting my two grand chidren about behaviours that I feel are inappropriate in our house when they come to stay.

I am being told that to be confrontational is inappropriate and that the Holy Spirit is always gentle. There is apparently no place for a stern word.

It seems that todays approach to raising children varies greatly from what I am familiar with.

This is further complicated by the fact that our Govt. passed a law against smacking which has meant parents have to fall back on psychological manipulation, 'time out' etc.

This generation of children are very entitled as a result.

I do work hard on developing relationships of trust and in general things are sweet.

Sadly, however, a word of correction results in my being considered somewhat of a villian.

Maybe my manner is the problem but I fail to see any issue scripturally with being firm.

Help...

May I suggest that you talk to your children and tell them that you love having your grandchildren to stay.
But it is your house and your rules apply.Do agree that if they say no smacking then there is no smacking.

Let me tell you about my neighbour.
A number of years ago his children divorced and as a result his grandchildren two bosteros boys were often there.
He said one day 'I don't understand them, all I do is tell them off, shout at them, but they love comeing here?'
He was a piller od stability, yes he told them off, but always according to the same standarsd, yes he shouted when they drove him to it, but always to enforce the same standards.
Those boys knew exactly were they stood with him, that he loved them to bits and showed it in his disciplining of them.

You do the same.

 

[coffee4u]

I don't think you need to smack to correct. For the most part, I think smacking is a poor tool and often an overused one. it's easy to use and it's also easy to smack when angry and to smack harder than you intended to. Not that I am rabidly anti-smacking, I smacked both of mine a few times, but I tend to feel those were the times I failed. Perhaps by not acting when I should. It's easy to sit and say something but harder to get up and be consistent all the time.
Given that you are Grandad I do think you should be looser. Grandparents are the ones we remember fondly for spoiling us while mum and dad were the disciplinarians.
I would look at what behaviour you have to draw the line on, but there are probably other areas that you can leave to the parents. Write down the boundaries, show that to your grown child and see if you can agree on the boundaries first. Then think of other ways to enforce these.
How old are the grandkids? Can you give an example of what they are doing?

 

[aiki]

Hi there,

I am keen to understand the role of Grand Dad and this may vary depending on culture.

I am coming unstuck when confronting my two grand chidren about behaviours that I feel are inappropriate in our house when they come to stay.

I am being told that to be confrontational is inappropriate and that the Holy Spirit is always gentle. There is apparently no place for a stern word.

It seems that todays approach to raising children varies greatly from what I am familiar with.

This is further complicated by the fact that our Govt. passed a law against smacking which has meant parents have to fall back on psychological manipulation, 'time out' etc.

This generation of children are very entitled as a result.

I do work hard on developing relationships of trust and in general things are sweet.

Sadly, however, a word of correction results in my being considered somewhat of a villian.

Maybe my manner is the problem but I fail to see any issue scripturally with being firm.

Help...

The best example of parenting is the parenting of our Heavenly Father. How has He dealt with you in your own instances of rebellion and disobedience toward Him? How does He parent His often wayward children? Those who know Him well, who are walking as He has told them to, find themselves enjoying deep, rich fellowship with Him. Obedience means joy, and peace, and contentment, and the delight of unbroken intimate communion with God. It is this wonderful fellowship that is both the reward of obedience and a ward against disobedience. God intends we should so fear the loss of our fellowship with Him that we will do all we can to prevent anything from hindering or diminishing it; He intends we should feel so keenly the loss of our communion with Him that we will not rest until it has been restored. Is this how your grandchildren feel about their relationship with you?

God also warns us of the destructive consequences of our sin. He reasons with us about right and wrong, urging us to pursue the former and forsake the latter. He illustrates for us in His word what happens when we sin. Are you doing this, Grandpa?

In the absence of corporal punishment, discipline your grandchildren according to their bent. I had a nephew who as a little boy absolutely hated sitting still on a chair. Doing so was far worse than any spanking. When he got out of line, I often only had to threaten a session on a chair to curb his behaviour. My niece couldn't stand being alone in her room. Putting her alone in her room for ten minutes had a greater effect upon her conduct than any amount of hard words or swats on her bottom. Find out what makes your grandchildren tick and you may find greater, more powerful, means of discipline in doing so than any form of corporal punishment.

 

[Carl Emerson]

Before we go on, I didn't make it clear enough that there are plenty of hugs, no smacking or physical stuff, just the occasional stern word which is deemed unacceptable. The relationship is for the most part really good.

 

[Carl Emerson]

I don't think you need to smack to correct. For the most part, I think smacking is a poor tool and often an overused one. it's easy to use and it's also easy to smack when angry and to smack harder than you intended to. Not that I am rabidly anti-smacking, I smacked both of mine a few times, but I tend to feel those were the times I failed. Perhaps by not acting when I should. It's easy to sit and say something but harder to get up and be consistent all the time.
Given that you are Grandad I do think you should be looser. Grandparents are the ones we remember fondly for spoiling us while mum and dad were the disciplinarians.
I would look at what behaviour you have to draw the line on, but there are probably other areas that you can leave to the parents. Write down the boundaries, show that to your grown child and see if you can agree on the boundaries first. Then think of other ways to enforce these.
How old are the grandkids? Can you give an example of what they are doing?

No smacking going on - yes we need to work on defining the house rules more. Thanks.

 

[coffee4u]

No smacking going on - yes we need to work on defining the house rules more. Thanks.

You will get no judgment from me over a few normal smackings Emerson, but I understand how stressful it must be in NZ with it being banned. Sometimes smacking is the right cause of action, since used only occasionally it can be very effective. I think the word is emotive as it can have so many connotations.

I understand if you don't want to share ages or deeds, but also we can't give very much constructive advice. For example if there is a toddler who won't hold hands to cross the road I would invest in a harness. You can get some that are worn like a backpack with cute animals on the back. Time out with minute per age was always effective here, plus an apology+ a "Why were you put here?" to be sure they knew why.

 

[mina]

Sit down with your adult children and talk about what behaviors are going on that are the problem. Ask them to remind the kids of your rules before they come over and to remind them of any safety issues they have to be aware of at your house.

 

[carp614]

A good Grandfather is engaged enough to face this kind of problem. You are a blessing to your grandchildren, sir. Don't lose sight of it.

If I may share a few thoughts:

First, there is an important difference between correlation and causation. I suggest looking for cause in a social policy, rule, regulation, or cultural norm could distract you from the primary cause of difficulty in your relationships with both your children and grandchildren alike. Avoid falling into this trap if you can.

Secondly, though I have no doubt what-so-ever that you are a deeply thoughtful and loving grandfather, it may be possible that you are underestimating your impact on your grandchildren. It is possible that the way you perceive yourself is significantly different than the way you are perceived by your grandchildren? Possibly, you are much more intimidating than you realize. This has been the case for me so I mention it only as a caution that a thoughtful person such as yourself I am sure will now how to receive.

A third point came to mind as I wrote the others that will sound most strange to you no doubt; it is a marathon. When it seems you aren't making any progress remember how young they are. They have so much life ahead of them during which time they will no doubt discover the depth of the wisdom you are trying to give them. There exists a possibility that they will be grateful to you and to God for you for something you say today long after you have gone to be with the Lord. Trust Him, Love Him, and serve Him in all you do, and he will make your path straight.

I sincerely hope something I've said here blesses you. Your concern for your grandchildren certainly blesses me.

I thank the Lord for your example brother.

 

[Carl Emerson]

A good Grandfather is engaged enough to face this kind of problem. You are a blessing to your grandchildren, sir. Don't lose sight of it.

If I may share a few thoughts:

First, there is an important difference between correlation and causation. I suggest looking for cause in a social policy, rule, regulation, or cultural norm could distract you from the primary cause of difficulty in your relationships with both your children and grandchildren alike. Avoid falling into this trap if you can.

Secondly, though I have no doubt what-so-ever that you are a deeply thoughtful and loving grandfather, it may be possible that you are underestimating your impact on your grandchildren. It is possible that the way you perceive yourself is significantly different than the way you are perceived by your grandchildren? Possibly, you are much more intimidating than you realize. This has been the case for me so I mention it only as a caution that a thoughtful person such as yourself I am sure will now how to receive.

A third point came to mind as I wrote the others that will sound most strange to you no doubt; it is a marathon. When it seems you aren't making any progress remember how young they are. They have so much life ahead of them during which time they will no doubt discover the depth of the wisdom you are trying to give them. There exists a possibility that they will be grateful to you and to God for you for something you say today long after you have gone to be with the Lord. Trust Him, Love Him, and serve Him in all you do, and he will make your path straight.

I sincerely hope something I've said here blesses you. Your concern for your grandchildren certainly blesses me.

I thank the Lord for your example brother.

Yes excellent points...

On point number two I find it hard to understand if we should mellow righteous indignation, having a prophetic disposition doesn't help...

My wife is full of mercy and gentleness (most of the time) and we complement one another. I see Jesus in scripture displaying extremes of emotion so I think we are not meant to be level and unthreatening at all times. We have all been heavily influenced by the PC shame brigade and many insist on this 'new morality' even in christian circles. So being a rebuilt personality basing one's all on His word I feel somewhat alone and on another planet. However His love is there and we have heaps to be thankful for.

Great response thanks.