Advice about friendship needed.

[destinyrealized]

I met a new friend a few years back. She was the type of friend that I had been longing for my whole life. She was my "soul mate" in a friend type of way. She grew up in a strict Christian home, with religion a huge part of her life. She slowly started getting away from that a few years before we met and was out living away from home for school (as was I).

I grew up in a family that talked about God, but Christianity was never a huge part of my life. I had began searching for God on my own once I was out of the house and feeling a void that I knew only God could fill.

This friend and I, lets call her Sarah, happened to cross paths when she was moving away from her Christian faith and I was moving towards mine. I started bringing Sarah to church with me and it seemed like she fast-tracked back to being extremely religious, perhaps because it was always a big part of her life, while I am still working on it every day, 2 years later.

We were inseparable for the entire year that we spent together away at school, and I had never been happier. She ended up dropping out of school to move back with her family after her first year, and I moved to another country to be with a man I fell in love with, who is now my fiance.

My problem: she did not agree with my decision to move in with a man before we were married. I was never brought up that way and although I didn't understand it at the time, I understand why it is wrong now. She would lecture me every time we spoke, and I knew how much it hurt her that I was going against God's wishes by living with a man before marriage. She didn't like the decisions I had made and I felt ashamed, not only for what I did to God but for what I did to her. The last time we spoke I told her that I knew how much the decisions I had made in life hurt her, and I felt like a wasn't good enough to be in her life because she was doing so well in her faith, and I didn't want to drag her down while I was working on building my faith up.

Sarah said she really appreciated the selflessness I showed her and agreed that she didn't agree with my decisions enough to still be my friend. I told her that I would text her once I was at a point in my life where I felt comfortable being back in her life.

I wonder what other Christians think about this situation. I just got engaged a few months ago, and I really want to talk to my best friend. I have been debating calling her for some time now. Do you think that I am best to just let her go and try to move on? It is a heart-breaking feeling, but I need to either be friends with her, or forget about her completely. Sometimes I think that I am doing what is best for her by not speaking to her, because I don't want to drag her down. Other times, I think maybe she is not someone I should want to be friends with anyways, because even if I was doing things she didn't agree with, or I was "dragging her down", isn't that what friends are for? Isn't that what Christians are supposed to do? To help people through their troubles, to help friends build their relationship with God, no matter how frustrating or how long it takes?

Maybe when I told her I wouldn't talk to her anymore because I didn't want to drag her down, she should have been just as good of a friend and said she would stick by me no matter how hard it got.

Should I love her or let her go?

 

[Albion]

Her reaction does seem overly strong and hurtful, if you ask me, but I wouldn't let it end there. I'm guessing somewhat, but we probably can't say for sure that she's through with you for good. If there were no possibility of ever repairing the friendship, I think you'd have gotten that message loud and clear in your conversation with her and wouldn't be asking us about it now.

Therefore, I'd think you owe it to yourself to at least make the contact with her that you've been contemplating.

The fact that you're still living with your fiance and are yet to be married may well be the cause for her to remain distanced from you, but making this contact will most likely resolve the question for you. If she is irreconcilable, just let it go. Sometimes these things do happen in life. What's more, there is a possibility that she's moved on in life, has new friends and interests, and you are simply part of her past in any case. That's hard to accept, I know, but it's often the case that time changes things more for one of the parties than for the other, and the fiance issue may not be 100% of the reason she's drawn away from you.

 

[Goodbook]

Well..i just want to check, is your fiance also a christian? What would you say your relationship with Jesus is like now?

 

[destinyrealized]

Well..i just want to check, is your fiance also a christian? What would you say your relationship with Jesus is like now?

Yes, my fiance is also a Christian. I would say my relationship with Jesus is much stronger now than it was before but it is a work in progress. My fiance and I read the bible together every night, pray before meals and bed, attend church every Sunday, and try to be the best people that we can be.. we are certainly no where near perfect but we try to improve and help one another improve every day.

 

[destinyrealized]

Her reaction does seem overly strong and hurtful, if you ask me, but I wouldn't let it end there. I'm guessing somewhat, but we probably can't say for sure that she's through with you for good. If there were no possibility of ever repairing the friendship, I think you'd have gotten that message loud and clear in your conversation with her and wouldn't be asking us about it now.

Therefore, I'd think you owe it to yourself to at least make the contact with her that you've been contemplating.

The fact that you're still living with your fiance and are yet to be married may well be the cause for her to remain distanced from you, but making this contact will most likely resolve the question for you. If she is irreconcilable, just let it go. Sometimes these things do happen in life. What's more, there is a possibility that she's moved on in life, has new friends and interests, and you are simply part of her past in any case. That's hard to accept, I know, but it's often the case that time changes things more for one of the parties than for the other, and the fiance issue may not be 100% of the reason she's drawn away from you.

Thank you very much for your comment. She made it clear last time we talked that she would wait for me to become a better Christian, and then we could continue our friendship. I may build up enough courage to at least make contact with you like you suggested. Thank you again.

 

[Goodbook]

You could tell her you got engaged and if she responds then invite her to the wedding but its up to her if she will come..don't push anything on her, let her decide.

 

[BFine]

Yes, my fiance is also a Christian. I would say my relationship with Jesus is much stronger now than it was before but it is a work in progress. My fiance and I read the bible together every night, pray before meals and bed, attend church every Sunday, and try to be the best people that we can be.. we are certainly no where near perfect but we try to improve and help one another improve every day.

*Perfect...as it relates to us in scripture means mature/maturing...it doesn't mean you don't ever do
anything wrong.

Mature, maturing is upholding God's Word in our
lives and surrendering ourselves to His will.
Fleeing from sin/choosing godliness over sinfulness.
Not failing to assemble ourselves regularly with the
church (body of believers.)

When are you getting married?

 

[ecotime47]

I think your situation is such a clear indicator that we're all still growing in Christ. Hopefully, the Holy Spirit has been working in your friend's heart through all of this. I love what Jesus said in Jn 3:17, For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world. We're not called to condemn and cut off. We're called to bear with one another in love.

To address your issue, if you're still living with your fiance I wouldn't expect a different response from your friend. It might be best to wait until you get married and then reach out to her. I wish you all the best.

BTW - Focus on the Family has a a great Q&A on their website about cohabitation - http://bit.ly/1L47YNM

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I moved to another country to be with a man I fell in love with, who is now my fiance.

Just asking but you said you the person your talking about is a she and you wanted to be with her at some point. But that sentence above says you moved and are with a man now? Did I read that wrong? Are you also a guy?

 

[Goodbook]

Well, true living with someone before marriage is not right. But it would seem OP cant move back home and start again so maybe wait till after the wedding, i mean if you are engaged it probably wont be long before you married if you already living together.

What I would do also is have some premarital counselling as well. Not just on the practical aspects but on what marriage means and why its making a covenant, not just for convenience. OP might not find it from her friend though, as her friend is not married she needs to learn from her married elders in the church. I think maybe she needs some spirtual support and ppl praying for her. Since OPs parents are dont seem to be christians.

 

[BFine]

Just asking but you said you the person your talking about is a she and you wanted to be with her at some point. But that sentence above says you moved and are with a man now? Did I read that wrong? Are you also a guy?

*The OP listed gender states: female.

There maybe a language thingy going on...
but gleaning from her other posts...it's friendship
she's talking about...being in each other's lives as
friends.

Hopefully the OP will update this thread soon.