Adultery vs. "Cheating"

[DZoolander]

That other thread about "is inappropriate content cheating?" made me think about something that I used to mull over a bit when I was younger.

I quibble over language, the meaning of things, etc. Always have. Mostly because my dad was an attorney and used to play "Devil's Advocate" games with me when I was growing up - and it taught me that the more precise you are in how you look at things - the less inner conflict you have. A lot of people's turmoil I think comes as a consequence of conflating ideas that ought be treated separately.

And this is one of those things. Are "adultery" and "cheating" the same thing?

I'd argue no, they're not.

Adultery, at least the way I think about it, kind of falls along the lines of Matthew 5:28. Anyone who looks upon a woman with lust has already committed adultery in his heart. In other words, you've had a sexual thought about someone outside the confines of the exclusivity of marriage. You've committed adultery.

But, is "cheating" the same thing? IMHO, sometimes yes, sometimes no. My take on "cheating" is that it's going outside the boundaries of what your partner expects of you. You're cheating ON THEM - and the agreements that your relationship is built upon.

Most of the time those are in accord with each other. I expect monogamy from my wife, she expects monogamy from me. If I were to go out and bang around with someone else, I have committed adultery, and I have cheated.

But let's say someone had no expectations of their partner. Let's say they said "Go out and have sex with whomever you want". Would it be "cheating" if they did? While it would certainly be adulterous, I don't think that a fair argument could be made that they were "cheating".

In my opinion - that's a far better and clearer way of looking at it - for a variety of reasons.

Like I said in the other post - let's say you had a partner that felt hugging someone else was cheating. They didn't like it at all. It caused them all sorts of anxiety and angst. Shouldn't you as their partner respect that? Wouldn't hugging then - within the boundaries of your relationship - be cheating? They've set the terms of what they're comfortable with - you've opted to be with them - ought you not respect their feelings?

In that scenario, I'd say that hugging is definitely cheating, but clearly it's not adulterous.

And the converse could be true, as illustrated above. Someone can have no expectations of you, can tell you to go get your jollies wherever you wanted, so within that relationship while you may be guilty of the sin of adultery, you're not "cheating".

What do you think?

 

[snoochface]

I agree with this assessment. A lot of the "emotional affairs" people talk about would fall into that category - cheating, but not necessarily adultery.

Cheating, to me, is anything you do with another person that you wouldn't do in front of your spouse. It doesn't have to be sexual or adulterous. If you'd hide it from your spouse, or would be unwilling to behave in the same way with your spouse in front of you, you're likely cheating.

 

[Call me Nic]

That other thread about "is inappropriate content cheating?" made me think about something that I used to mull over a bit when I was younger.

I quibble over language, the meaning of things, etc. Always have. Mostly because my dad was an attorney and used to play "Devil's Advocate" games with me when I was growing up - and it taught me that the more precise you are in how you look at things - the less inner conflict you have. A lot of people's turmoil I think comes as a consequence of conflating ideas that ought be treated separately.

And this is one of those things. Are "adultery" and "cheating" the same thing?

I'd argue no, they're not.

Adultery, at least the way I think about it, kind of falls along the lines of Matthew 5:28. Anyone who looks upon a woman with lust has already committed adultery in his heart. In other words, you've had a sexual thought about someone outside the confines of the exclusivity of marriage. You've committed adultery.

But, is "cheating" the same thing? IMHO, sometimes yes, sometimes no. My take on "cheating" is that it's going outside the boundaries of what your partner expects of you. You're cheating ON THEM - and the agreements that your relationship are built upon.

Most of the time those are in accord with each other. I expect monogamy from my wife, she expects monogamy from me. If I were to go out and bang around with someone else, I have committed adultery, and I have cheated.

But let's say someone had no expectations of their partner. Let's say they said "Go out and have sex with whomever you want". Would it be "cheating" if they did? While it would certainly be adulterous, I don't think that a fair argument could be made that they were "cheating".

In my opinion - that's a far better and clearer way of looking at it - for a variety of reasons.

Like I said in the other post - let's say you had a partner that felt hugging someone else was cheating. They didn't like it at all. It caused them all sorts of anxiety and angst. Shouldn't you as their partner respect that? Wouldn't hugging then - within the boundaries of your relationship - be cheating? They've set the terms of what they're comfortable with - you've opted to be with them - ought you not respect their feelings?

In that scenario, I'd say that hugging is definitely cheating, but clearly it's not adulterous.

And the converse could be true, as illustrated above. Someone can have no expectations of you, can tell you to go get your jollies wherever you wanted, so within that relationship while you may be guilty of the sin of adultery, you're not "cheating".

What do you think?

Makes sense.

 

[mkgal1]

First off.....I wanted to say that this quote (below) is something I really agree with - and is a valuable bit o' wisdom :

A lot of people's turmoil I think comes as a consequence of conflating ideas that ought be treated separately.

.....there always seems to be people that come along and object to this (and I see it a lot here on CF). Those that object often respond by saying things like, "you all are just arguing over semantics". But that's not true. When things are all thrown into a pile (when they ought to be separate) there's an inability to sort things out properly. It's more than just semantics....and it always made me curious why people almost seemed affronted when there was a desire to properly separate things.

Anyway.....I agree that cheating and adultery are different. I think another (broader) word for "cheating" would be "unfaithful". Instead of being faithful in honoring your spouse's emotions and preferences (what's - hopefully - already been understood and agreed upon) that's being stepped on and ignored (and that can be a whole variety of things). That widens things to involve someone other than the opposite sex, too (situations like: valuing a brother's opinion more than a spouse's......or leaving a husband alone at home with four children, saying you're just going to the store really quickly, but then stopping off at your mom's house for hours without even thinking to call him).

There's such a general focus on adultery, but going by most of the posts on here, it's "cheating" that causes MORE marital problems.

 

[Llleopard]

Agree. Being clear about what's what makes the motives easier to untangle and easier to find solutions. My first husband used to skew stuff all the time ie 'you asked me not to advertise for sex with men in inappropriate contento mags, but I advertised online, so that's okay because you didn't ask me not to, so it's your fault if you don't like it' . He was pretty screwed up, so I honestly don't know if he really couldn't understand the idea of not cheating, and/or committing adultery, or just didn't want to. But it did make it impossible to discuss logically or sort out.

 

[DZoolander]

Agree. Being clear about what's what makes the motives easier to untangle and easier to find solutions. My first husband used to skew stuff all the time ie 'you asked me not to advertise for sex with men in inappropriate contento mags, but I advertised online, so that's okay because you didn't ask me not to, so it's your fault if you don't like it' . He was pretty screwed up, so I honestly don't know if he really couldn't understand the idea of not cheating, and/or committing adultery, or just didn't want to. But it did make it impossible to discuss logically or sort out.

lol wow!

 

[DZoolander]

“I sincerely thought it was the medium I was using to advertise for sex with men that was giving you problems!”

 

[mkgal1]

“I sincerely thought it was the medium I was using to advertise for sex with men that was giving you problems!”

Right.....because advertising in magazines is what MOST people get upset at.....not advertising online, though (and what's actually being advertised isn't the problem).

 

[Llleopard]

Right.....because advertising in magazines is what MOST people get upset at.....not advertising online, though (and what's actually being advertised isn't the problem).

I must say he had a LOT worse kinks than that, so sometimes I was grateful when it was just small stuff like that. It's so nice to now be married to an awesome bloke who respects marriage and me. We have very good boundaries, and both know what cheating would look like, so we don't. Simple!

 

[Deidre32]

Interesting. I'll have to think on this a bit.

 

[Ana the Ist]

That other thread about "is inappropriate content cheating?" made me think about something that I used to mull over a bit when I was younger.

I quibble over language, the meaning of things, etc. Always have. Mostly because my dad was an attorney and used to play "Devil's Advocate" games with me when I was growing up - and it taught me that the more precise you are in how you look at things - the less inner conflict you have. A lot of people's turmoil I think comes as a consequence of conflating ideas that ought be treated separately.

And this is one of those things. Are "adultery" and "cheating" the same thing?

I'd argue no, they're not.

Adultery, at least the way I think about it, kind of falls along the lines of Matthew 5:28. Anyone who looks upon a woman with lust has already committed adultery in his heart. In other words, you've had a sexual thought about someone outside the confines of the exclusivity of marriage. You've committed adultery.

But, is "cheating" the same thing? IMHO, sometimes yes, sometimes no. My take on "cheating" is that it's going outside the boundaries of what your partner expects of you. You're cheating ON THEM - and the agreements that your relationship is built upon.

Most of the time those are in accord with each other. I expect monogamy from my wife, she expects monogamy from me. If I were to go out and bang around with someone else, I have committed adultery, and I have cheated.

But let's say someone had no expectations of their partner. Let's say they said "Go out and have sex with whomever you want". Would it be "cheating" if they did? While it would certainly be adulterous, I don't think that a fair argument could be made that they were "cheating".

In my opinion - that's a far better and clearer way of looking at it - for a variety of reasons.

Like I said in the other post - let's say you had a partner that felt hugging someone else was cheating. They didn't like it at all. It caused them all sorts of anxiety and angst. Shouldn't you as their partner respect that? Wouldn't hugging then - within the boundaries of your relationship - be cheating? They've set the terms of what they're comfortable with - you've opted to be with them - ought you not respect their feelings?

In that scenario, I'd say that hugging is definitely cheating, but clearly it's not adulterous.

And the converse could be true, as illustrated above. Someone can have no expectations of you, can tell you to go get your jollies wherever you wanted, so within that relationship while you may be guilty of the sin of adultery, you're not "cheating".

What do you think?

Potato-potato.