Abandoning my child

[BenCollyer91]

I recently had a baby out of wedlock with someone who was interested in the faith but hasnt quite come through to discipleship yet

during the relationship I was abusive (emotionally not physically), im currently working with professionals on those patterns

there is a scripture that says "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

however since me and the mother are seperated there is no household, she is the one who ended the relationship and so the responsibility for the breakdown of the household falls on her

I have considered paying financial maintenence to her and choosing to not meet the baby for various reasons, would this constitute abandoning her? my thoughts are that if the mother wants her daughter to have a father, she must get back together with me and marry me

 

[Tolworth John]

recently had a baby out of wedlock with someone who was interested in the faith but hasnt quite come through to discipleship yet

during the relationship I was abusive

Two issues.
1/ you are not facing the consequences of your deliberate actions. Pay the maintenance.

2/ in refusing to do so you are still being emotionally abusive.

Accept Christian discipline yourself,be responsible for your actions and be responsible for you future actions by not having sex untill you are married.

 

[A_Thinker]

I recently had a baby out of wedlock with someone who was interested in the faith but hasnt quite come through to discipleship yet

during the relationship I was abusive (emotionally not physically), im currently working with professionals on those patterns

there is a scripture that says "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

however since me and the mother are seperated there is no household, she is the one who ended the relationship and so the responsibility for the breakdown of the household falls on her

I have considered paying financial maintenence to her and choosing to not meet the baby for various reasons, would this constitute abandoning her? my thoughts are that if the mother wants her daughter to have a father, she must get back together with me and marry me

You should understand ... you have responsibility to your offspring.

The extent to which you neglect your obligation to provide what you can contribute, in time, care, and finance, to your child needs ... is the extent to which you will abandon your child. And your child will manifest the magnitude of your neglect for the rest of her life.

It's time to grow up ... get yourself straight ... and grow a spine. It's time to be a man.

* You should provide financial support
* You should be as much of a father to the child as you can, despite the limitations of the situation

 

[A_Thinker]

but the mother also sowed sexual immorality and dependant behaviour in the relationship, and has reaped a beloved daughter, she hasnt paid a price for her or my sin, im the only one who has reaped

The mother is taking responsibility for her actions (by providing 24/7 care for her child). That must seem trivial to you, but care for a child is probably the most incredible responsibility anyone can hope to accomplish.

You need to focus upon what you should do ... grow up, get straight, and provide for your child.

 

[A_Thinker]

I recently had a baby out of wedlock with someone who was interested in the faith but hasnt quite come through to discipleship yet

during the relationship I was abusive (emotionally not physically), im currently working with professionals on those patterns

there is a scripture that says "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

however since me and the mother are seperated there is no household, she is the one who ended the relationship and so the responsibility for the breakdown of the household falls on her

I have considered paying financial maintenence to her and choosing to not meet the baby for various reasons, would this constitute abandoning her? my thoughts are that if the mother wants her daughter to have a father, she must get back together with me and marry me

P.S. Nobody should marry someone who is abusive ... in any way ...

 

[Macchiato]

I recently had a baby out of wedlock with someone who was interested in the faith but hasnt quite come through to discipleship yet

during the relationship I was abusive (emotionally not physically), im currently working with professionals on those patterns

there is a scripture that says "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

however since me and the mother are seperated there is no household, she is the one who ended the relationship and so the responsibility for the breakdown of the household falls on her

I have considered paying financial maintenence to her and choosing to not meet the baby for various reasons, would this constitute abandoning her? my thoughts are that if the mother wants her daughter to have a father, she must get back together with me and marry me

I hear alot of blaming. Accountability is what will make one grow.

She wasnt wrong for leaving you. Believer or unbeliever God doesnt want anyone to be mistreated bc he cares for all of us the same.
No the breakdown of the household wasn't her fault it was yours. You need to own that ... she was smart and strong to leave for the sake of her and her child.

After reading the last part-- i dont know if you see where your fault lies. You need to support your child regardless, if you want to be married you need to be a better man worth marrying.

Take care of your obligations.

 

[Mark Quayle]

do you believe the Lord is joyful when parents seperate?

Man you sound like my wife used to. YOU think you know how things should be and so your ex not only needed to walk accordingly, but still must.

My wife once asked me to watch an Oprah segment on road rage. The lady being interviewed said something to the effect that when another driver cut her off, what made her mad wasn't that it was she that got cut off, but that the other driver had broken THE RULES. My wife told me that was why she so often lost her temper with me. Yet, even knowing this, she couldn't see how that was wrong of her —she thought she was right, and being right, she (when she was mad at me) not only had the right but the God-given duty to straighten me up. She saw it as only a clinical problem, not a moral problem. (There is, of course, a lot more to it than that, but that is what you make me think of.) She never did change in this regard, though she did soften a bit with age.

As for the child, mine (all grown now) have avoided having children themselves because of what they went through as children. I have been asked why I stuck with her so long.

Edit: last paragraph removed

 

[Mark Quayle]

but the mother also sowed sexual immorality and dependant behaviour in the relationship, and has reaped a beloved daughter, she hasnt paid a price for her or my sin, im the only one who has reaped

This isn't about you. You needn't appeal to anyone's better nature or sympathy. There is no use in comparing who did what.

The point is to move on from here. Fix yourself; you aren't going to fix her.

 

[St. Helens]

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[Sparagmos]

I recently had a baby out of wedlock with someone who was interested in the faith but hasnt quite come through to discipleship yet

during the relationship I was abusive (emotionally not physically), im currently working with professionals on those patterns

there is a scripture that says "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

however since me and the mother are seperated there is no household, she is the one who ended the relationship and so the responsibility for the breakdown of the household falls on her

I have considered paying financial maintenence to her and choosing to not meet the baby for various reasons, would this constitute abandoning her? my thoughts are that if the mother wants her daughter to have a father, she must get back together with me and marry me

First, if you were abusive you likely are more responsible for the separation.

Second, your relationship with your ex has no bearing on your responsibility to your child. Your daughter deserves and is legally entitled to your support, regardless of what the mother does. You may be seeing your daughter as some kind of extension of her mother, but that is not the case.

 

[tturt]

Tried to assure 2 teens in the last 2 weeks, they are not mistakes. Note: One lives with her family.

Because "And he made from one man every race of men to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted epochs and the fixed boundaries of the places where they would live;” (Acts 17:26) which includes your child.

Praying for you, the mother and child.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

Man you are awful full of yourself and begin by noting you are a disciple and she somehow is not and as a disciple you found it OK to have sex before you were married and that child now you consider not your household because she is done with you. Any court will hold you liable until the kids is 18 so at that point you got to pay.

Your logic that she needs to marry you to make it right is flawed as well. If you love her and want to be a part of the child's life and want to have a small chance at reconciliation you must do the following things. Demonstrate self less love. Send the money and go above that by bringing extra diapers and seeing if you can visit the baby more than prescribed. Acknowledge you flaws without bringing up hers. Recognize that she is a million miles from wanting to get back so you need to bridge that gap one small act of kindness at a time. This requires Godly wisdom read James and find out what that is as the wisdom you have shared is worldly wisdom which the Bible says is two things full of envy and self seeking and this wisdom is not from God. You need to show Agape type of love. Again this is lacking in every essence of what you have shared as your opinion.
Read 1 Cor 13.

The only way you can make these changes is to be broken before the LORD and to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Then you can walk in the Spirit and not in the flesh. You will reap what you sow so start sowing good seeds and wait for the harvest of the bad to pass that is what you are reaping now.

 

[MikeinSeattle]

I recently had a baby out of wedlock with someone who was interested in the faith but hasnt quite come through to discipleship yet

during the relationship I was abusive (emotionally not physically), im currently working with professionals on those patterns

there is a scripture that says "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

however since me and the mother are seperated there is no household, she is the one who ended the relationship and so the responsibility for the breakdown of the household falls on her

I have considered paying financial maintenence to her and choosing to not meet the baby for various reasons, would this constitute abandoning her? my thoughts are that if the mother wants her daughter to have a father, she must get back together with me and marry me

I would say as the man the responsibility for the situation rests primarily on you. You had a baby with her. If her father wants you to be together there is a much greater responsibility on you to make it work with her.

According to my understanding of the word. God will expect you to always keep an eye on her and take care of her and the baby if she ever needs it. At least to some degree. The more of a holy life she lives the more you will be expected to do this.

The best thing by far for you to do is to pray her through to salvation and back to you. If I was in your situation I would already consider her to be my wife and I would be praying day and night until she repented and returned to you.

This is not a hard thing to accomplish in prayer. God wants you to be together.

If she fornicates with another man that does also change things. I would pray especially against this. If that happens I think you would have much more freedom to let go of her but I think again you would still be at least partially responsible for taking care of them the rest of there lives if they are ever in need.

Again by far the best thing to do is to take responsibility. Become a man of prayer for this time in your life and make it work by praying it through.

As I am writing this I am trying to take into consideration the whole of Gods will as revealed in the old testament and the new testament.

 

[coffee4u]

I recently had a baby out of wedlock with someone who was interested in the faith but hasnt quite come through to discipleship yet

All sin has consequences to ourselves or to others. This is why God gave us laws, because sin harms us physically, emotionally and spiritually. If you are a Christian and she is not then your life is her example of a Christian. None of us are perfect but sin is always a choice.

during the relationship I was abusive (emotionally not physically), im currently working with professionals on those patterns

It's good that you are getting help, but abuse is never acceptable and she was correct to leave you over it.

there is a scripture that says "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

Yes, the right thing to do is care for your child.

however since me and the mother are seperated there is no household, she is the one who ended the relationship and so the responsibility for the breakdown of the household falls on her

You are separated because she had to. No woman should stay with an abusive man. Her leaving does not mean you get a free pass to neglect your child, that would simply be adding yet another sin to the pile. You didn't have to create that child, but since this child is here you now need to care for them. Your child needs a father, a Godly father, be that man.

I have considered paying financial maintenence to her and choosing to not meet the baby for various reasons, would this constitute abandoning her? my thoughts are that if the mother wants her daughter to have a father, she must get back together with me and marry me

No she should not marry you. You need to become a man worth marrying first.

 

[BenCollyer91]

I would say as the man the responsibility for the situation rests primarily on you. You had a baby with her. If her father wants you to be together there is a much greater responsibility on you to make it work with her.

According to my understanding of the word. God will expect you to always keep an eye on her and take care of her and the baby if she ever needs it. At least to some degree. The more of a holy life she lives the more you will be expected to do this.

The best thing by far for you to do is to pray her through to salvation and back to you. If I was in your situation I would already consider her to be my wife and I would be praying day and night until she repented and returned to you.

This is not a hard thing to accomplish in prayer. God wants you to be together.

If she fornicates with another man that does also change things. I would pray especially against this. If that happens I think you would have much more freedom to let go of her but I think again you would still be at least partially responsible for taking care of them the rest of there lives if they are ever in need.

Again by far the best thing to do is to take responsibility. Become a man of prayer for this time in your life and make it work by praying it through.

As I am writing this I am trying to take into consideration the whole of Gods will as revealed in the old testament and the new testament.

I agree in the sense that if she renews her mind via the word and has a forgiving spirit, and recognises the work im doing to change my patterns, and see's that God is a God of restoration then some kind of reconciliation is inevitable

 

[Macchiato]

I agree in the sense that if she renews her mind via the word and has a forgiving spirit, and recognises the work im doing to change my patterns, and see's that God is a God of restoration then some kind of reconciliation is inevitable

Did you apologize to her for your abusive ways?
Start there first. Acknowledge your wrong.

 

[BenCollyer91]

Did you apologize to her for your abusive ways?
Start there first. Acknowledge your wrong.

im unable to as she has cut off all avenues of communication

 

[Torah Keeper]

If she is not with another man, my advice is to visit her in person, if possible, flowers in hand, and apologize sincerely. Promise you have changed and you want to marry her and be a good husband and father. Of course she may not accept your words. So prove it. Be a better man. Starting now.

And for everyone else, read what the administrator wrote. This guy is asking for help because he wants to become a better man and fix the situation. Name calling and insults are not helping. And obviously the best situation is repentance and reconciliation. Let's try to help this family instead of basically throwing the husband to the wolves and assuming the wife and daughter are better off with him dead instead of helping him change. As far as we know his emotional abuse of her could be nothing more than calling her lazy because he came home from work and the baby diaper was not changed all day, the house was a mess, and she cried "Abuse!" to all her family and friends.

 

[Joined2krist]

Do you love your child? cause you don't sound like you do. I encourage you to think long and hard about that child, she's part of you and your responsibility is to love and provide for her regardless of what is going on between your ex and you. I'm sure your child's mother will not cut off all communication with you if you offered some financial help, you can't force her to marry you if she doesn't want to, God bless

 

[Mark Quayle]

Do you love your child? cause you don't sound like you do. I encourage you to think long and hard about that child, she's part of you and your responsibility is to love and provide for her regardless of what is going on between your ex and you. I'm sure your child's mother will not cut off all communication with you if you offered some financial help, you can't force her to marry you if she doesn't want to, God bless

Agreed. This should be more about the child's good, than about anyone else but Christ himself. Yet this sounds more like the child is being used as a tool, leverage in a negotiation, or worse, a pry bar to force someone else into a useful position.