A Third Class?

NotUrAvgGuy

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The normal calling for Christian singles is marriage. We recognize there are those called to singleness for the purpose of some ministries but for everyone else marriage is the normal state. Churches understandably gear much of their ministry around the family. If you don't have local family then you are often assumed to be an adopted member of another church family. Spending holidays alone does not fit the vision of the church.

Where I feel like alien in church is in the fact that I am not married (divorced 10 years) and not seeking remarriage. I don't feel I have enough need or desire to be around another person to have the right conditions for a marriage. I still work full-time and I don't feel I am "called to singleness" for the sake of ministry. Like many I am a broken person. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, married a highly legalistic, cold woman which led to some serious stress and anxiety issues. Despite years of therapy, meds, and now electromagnetic brain therapy I've never been able to shake my anxiety and at times depression. I suffer from social anxiety so forcing myself to be around people even small groups does not help. Due to health and maybe psychological reasons I don't care for intimacy and tend to be pretty quiet. I can be very fun when the mood hits me but the rest of the time prefer to be alone. I have moments of depression when I wish I had someone around but the rest of the time I do well alone.

Unless something changes I can't see myself remarrying yet can't honestly say I am "called to be single." I do wish the church would do more to recognize there are people like me out there instead of assuming everyone is married or has close family and friends and is naturally spending all their holidays with others. I actually don't care for holidays and I don't feel the least bit depressed to be alone at holidays.

My life is not ideal but at times the constant emphasis on family gets a little old.
 
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dayhiker

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I've been divorced about as long as you have NotUrAvgGuy.
I have no intentions to get married again. Had the government involved once in my life that way, not again.
I do love relationships and so I have a lot of those going on. I'm very content being who God created me to be so I don't need approval by those in authority or the church in general.
 
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NotUrAvgGuy

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I don't feel I need approval. I do think the church could do a better job remembering those who don't "fit the mold." I remember last Mother's Day when the pastor dismissed us telling us to enjoy our family activities that afternoon. For me there wasn't going to be any family activities. My dear Mom is with the Lord, I'm divorced, and a Dad so Mother's Day for me is not a day of family activities. They have "Family Wednesday nights" and the Men's ministry is solely focused on being a husband and Dad. Of course I just want hardcore Bible studies not men's groups...
 
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dayhiker

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The men's group I go to isn't sponsored by a church anymore. I've been attending it for over 10 years now. Its 4 single men and one married. We are old, but we all have GFs. Ee have a lot to talk about even if GFs isn't what's on our mind at the time. There are health issues, kids issues, travel. Yes, it isn't a Bible study group. Its a time each person gets to share their life and not be judged about it. If we want to change something in our life the others will pray and support us, but there is not telling others what to do.
 
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NotUrAvgGuy

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Sounds like a nice group. I like discussing theology. On one hand my church is blessed with some great teachers and has a close affiliation with a local Bible college. Pretty much all the teaching done at my church is done by church staff. Non-staff can lead a discussion group but nothing that involves serious teaching. I am self-educated by have almost the equivalent of an MDiv. I have a brother with an MDiv and have compared. Years ago I did extensive teaching at a church in California and even filled in for the pastor a couple of times. Decent sized church too. Now I am divorced and in a church where without credentials I think my opportunities would be limited. Our small groups do one of two things. They either discuss "discussion questions" penned by the pastor based on the previous Sunday's sermon which are pretty application or they do a book study of some popular Christian book but certainly not a theology book. I'd want to do a book of the Bible or a topic in theology. I would probably not have license to do that. What I find ironic is that most churches will allow almost anyone to teach children. You don't need anything in terms of qualifications other than being a part of the church and a believer. They just hand you the material and trust you. Yet children are the most impressionable and least likely to be discerning. Want to teach adults? Oh now you'd better be blessed and approved and probably an elder or on staff. I understand that but adults can at least exercise more discernment so if you're teaching was off in the weeds someone would soon say something. I guess I could go find a church that would allow me to teach but churches that teach expository book-by-book, verse-by-verse through the Bible are hard to find these days. I am not a fan of topical Sunday sermons. Not saying they are wrong but studying God's Word in context as written is such a blessing and you really learn a lot more (IMHO).
 
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blackribbon

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Honestly, I think there are more of us that "don't fit the mold" than those that actually do. People who do not have happy marriages, critical illnesses in the family, family members who have to work on these "special days", problems with extended families and broken family relationships, rebellious children, financial restraints, and so on. For me, I have had to accept the constant call concerning men being the head of the household and even left a church because it was so family oriented that they had the men giving communion to their own families as the leader of that household. I wasn't allowed to take that role with my little family and we were stuffed in with another family. This overlooks the fact that God put me as head of my household...even if I am a woman. My family doesn't fit...widows are poor women in a third world countries...not your neighbor who is struggling to figure out how to run a family alone. However, I want churches to be family oriented because I think the Christian family needs to have that kind of support if we don't want to continue down the broken family road.

Most churches don't require any special level of education to teach anywhere except in the pulpit. That doesn't mean they don't monitor what the person is teaching. I know my church would recognize me as a leader of a small group if I just volunteered to host one. There isn't a teacher so much as group learning....where people discuss things that they have studied and prayed about at home. Your church is sort of special in having all those requirements. You have the option of continuing to attend your church but join another church's midweek bible study and there may even be one aimed specifically for divorced and/or single men. This is actually done by a lot of people. You could even just start a social group that isn't attached to any particular church so you have that "go to group" where you can spend time with someone else who is alone on those normally family type days.

FYI: Most churches now run background checks on adults who work with children...this is mandatory to get insurance even if they don't feel it is necessary. And they assume the teachers are teaching the material that they are given along with the theological ideals of that church. If not, a co-teacher or a parent will be more than quick to let the elders now that something "off" is going on in the 3rd grade classroom.
 
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NotUrAvgGuy

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Honestly, I think there are more of us that "don't fit the mold" than those that actually do. People who do not have happy marriages, critical illnesses in the family, family members who have to work on these "special days", problems with extended families and broken family relationships, rebellious children, financial restraints, and so on. For me, I have had to accept the constant call concerning men being the head of the household and even left a church because it was so family oriented that they had the men giving communion to their own families as the leader of that household. I wasn't allowed to take that role with my little family and we were stuffed in with another family. This overlooks the fact that God put me as head of my household...even if I am a woman. My family doesn't fit...widows are poor women in a third world countries...not your neighbor who is struggling to figure out how to run a family alone. However, I want churches to be family oriented because I think the Christian family needs to have that kind of support if we don't want to continue down the broken family road.

Most churches don't require any special level of education to teach anywhere except in the pulpit. That doesn't mean they don't monitor what the person is teaching. I know my church would recognize me as a leader of a small group if I just volunteered to host one. There isn't a teacher so much as group learning....where people discuss things that they have studied and prayed about at home. Your church is sort of special in having all those requirements. You have the option of continuing to attend your church but join another church's midweek bible study and there may even be one aimed specifically for divorced and/or single men. This is actually done by a lot of people. You could even just start a social group that isn't attached to any particular church so you have that "go to group" where you can spend time with someone else who is alone on those normally family type days.

FYI: Most churches now run background checks on adults who work with children...this is mandatory to get insurance even if they don't feel it is necessary. And they assume the teachers are teaching the material that they are given along with the theological ideals of that church. If not, a co-teacher or a parent will be more than quick to let the elders now that something "off" is going on in the 3rd grade classroom.

I also went to a church for awhile that had men serve their families at communion. Made the single women/heads of household feel like they weren't complete somehow. I did not like that.

If I teach again it will be books of the Bible or theology. I have no interest in leading a single men's group or a social group. I don't need a place to go on holidays. I missed out on the social gene. Most weekends I spend 100% alone yet don't sit at home wishing I had company. I am pretty comfortable alone. I suspect I will stay single for the rest of my life. I feel like getting married would provide too much company. We'll see though.
 
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blackribbon

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I also went to a church for awhile that had men serve their families at communion. Made the single women/heads of household feel like they weren't complete somehow. I did not like that.

If I teach again it will be books of the Bible or theology. I have no interest in leading a single men's group or a social group. I don't need a place to go on holidays. I missed out on the social gene. Most weekends I spend 100% alone yet don't sit at home wishing I had company. I am pretty comfortable alone. I suspect I will stay single for the rest of my life. I feel like getting married would provide too much company. We'll see though.

Then what are you saying...that you are fine not having family activities on Mother's Day but you still feel like a member of a 3rd class at church? Or does "3rd class" not mean a lower class of people at church?
 
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NotUrAvgGuy

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Maybe left-out is a better way of putting it. Not left-out in the sense that I wish I were included in some family-type activities. Since my Mom is passed away and I am not married I feel no need to do anything on Mother's Day. It's more that on every holiday and even some non-holidays the assumption seems to be that we leave church and go spend time with family. While that is a great thing to do and might be true of the majority there are exceptions. In emphasizing the family churches sometimes unknowingly make singles feel left-out like we're supposed to be intimately involved with family. Demographically more and more young adults are moving across the country to pursue careers and don't necessarily live near family.
 
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dayhiker

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My family, sisters, is spread from AK to ME and I'm near Boston, so I'm only hear family if I am travel to be there like I did Thanksgiving to be with my father.
But I can't say that I feel left out because there are so many people that I'm friends with that I can call one of them and be with a person I care about and have a good time. That to me is as good as time with family. I think I've just broadened my definition of family to include all my friends.
 
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