A struggling crippled Christian

[Jamdoc]

Hello, fellow lovers of Christ,
My name is Jason
To start things off, I do fear God, I love him too, but I do have some apprehension about it, it's kind of like loving a father that abused you, you love them but you're more afraid of them hurting you more. I know not the most positive and uplifting set of emotions but I have to be honest about it. But I do believe that Jesus paid the price for our sins when he died on the cross and he will come back and he will deliver us from sin and we will be resurrected
I'm "lame". I have an autoimmune disease related to Rheumatoid Arthritis that set in at a fairly young age (about 30ish) that has been very resistant to treatment and has permanently damaged (and disfigured) joints, leaving me disabled. I haven't been to church in years because .. I'm afraid I physically don't have the means. To add to it, while we're awaiting an MRI of my brain to confirm it, we suspect I have Multiple Sclerosis as well. Basically I don't have much hope left in this life and this fallen earth. I'm afflicted in such a way that what I wanted in life, won't happen for me. I wanted to work in medicine but being on immunosuppressive therapy and being disabled, I can't do that, and I won't be able to barring a miracle for the rest of my life. No woman would want a cripple so marriage, probably not in God's plans for me, and considering these diseases are genetic and I wouldn't want to pass them down to any children I would have otherwise wanted to have, no children as well. As far as has been revealed to me, God's plan for me has been very painful, enfeebling, lonely, and miserable so far. I have nothing to look forward to but the resurrection.
But that brings its own problems because I've read scripture about heaven and then the resurrection and new creation, and it seems like every scripture I read on the subject makes me feel worse and worse and I can't shake it. Things like there will be no marriage (and by extension, sex, children, your own family, only brothers and sisters in Christ, and you're a Child of God and Him the Father, but not like, my own children) after the resurrection are a sucker punch in the gut spiritually to know those desires will be unfulfilled FOREVER (I saved myself for marriage.. that I never had the opportunity for, and now its too late). Things like animals not having eternal souls. You want to meet a favorite pet in the new Creation? It won't happen, they're gone. The only thing that there seems to be, is God's presence. Just an intimate relationship with Christ and eternally serving and worshiping Him. 24/7/365/forever and ever of worship being the only thing I will be doing.
While I do want a close relationship to God, to know Him, and have a Father/Son relationship that I never really had on Earth (and would be better than any biological Dad I could have possibly had), it is not the ONLY thing I want. I do want other things, things like Marriage that are not sin and God himself said was "very good" but that's not an option. I fear that if I want anything on top of a relationship with God and serving God every passing moment for all of eternity, then I'm condemned to eternal torture, after already being tortured here on Earth.
I honestly don't know what to do.
I feel like my needs and desires and my own happiness are inconsequential, that there's only glory to God, and if that alone makes you happy good for you, but if that's not everything for you, it's burning and torture for eternity.
I can't just NOT want other things as well.
It feels like I only pursue a relationship with God to avoid eternal torture in the end, because the reward just seems.. incomplete, like I won't be truly happy with that alone. But because of that, I get eternal torture anyway.
I don't know how to stop wanting things.

 

[RaymondG]

Welcome to CF, I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

 

[Halbhh]

Hello, fellow lovers of Christ,
My name is Jason
To start things off, I do fear God, I love him too, but I do have some apprehension about it, it's kind of like loving a father that abused you, you love them but you're more afraid of them hurting you more. I know not the most positive and uplifting set of emotions but I have to be honest about it. But I do believe that Jesus paid the price for our sins when he died on the cross and he will come back and he will deliver us from sin and we will be resurrected
I'm "lame". I have an autoimmune disease related to Rheumatoid Arthritis that set in at a fairly young age (about 30ish) that has been very resistant to treatment and has permanently damaged (and disfigured) joints, leaving me disabled. I haven't been to church in years because .. I'm afraid I physically don't have the means. To add to it, while we're awaiting an MRI of my brain to confirm it, we suspect I have Multiple Sclerosis as well. Basically I don't have much hope left in this life and this fallen earth. I'm afflicted in such a way that what I wanted in life, won't happen for me. I wanted to work in medicine but being on immunosuppressive therapy and being disabled, I can't do that, and I won't be able to barring a miracle for the rest of my life. No woman would want a cripple so marriage, probably not in God's plans for me, and considering these diseases are genetic and I wouldn't want to pass them down to any children I would have otherwise wanted to have, no children as well. As far as has been revealed to me, God's plan for me has been very painful, enfeebling, lonely, and miserable so far. I have nothing to look forward to but the resurrection.
But that brings its own problems because I've read scripture about heaven and then the resurrection and new creation, and it seems like every scripture I read on the subject makes me feel worse and worse and I can't shake it. Things like there will be no marriage (and by extension, sex, children, your own family, only brothers and sisters in Christ, and you're a Child of God and Him the Father, but not like, my own children) after the resurrection are a sucker punch in the gut spiritually to know those desires will be unfulfilled FOREVER (I saved myself for marriage.. that I never had the opportunity for, and now its too late). Things like animals not having eternal souls. You want to meet a favorite pet in the new Creation? It won't happen, they're gone. The only thing that there seems to be, is God's presence. Just an intimate relationship with Christ and eternally serving and worshiping Him. 24/7/365/forever and ever of worship being the only thing I will be doing.
While I do want a close relationship to God, to know Him, and have a Father/Son relationship that I never really had on Earth (and would be better than any biological Dad I could have possibly had), it is not the ONLY thing I want. I do want other things, things like Marriage that are not sin and God himself said was "very good" but that's not an option. I fear that if I want anything on top of a relationship with God and serving God every passing moment for all of eternity, then I'm condemned to eternal torture, after already being tortured here on Earth.
I honestly don't know what to do.
I feel like my needs and desires and my own happiness are inconsequential, that there's only glory to God, and if that alone makes you happy good for you, but if that's not everything for you, it's burning and torture for eternity.
I can't just NOT want other things as well.
It feels like I only pursue a relationship with God to avoid eternal torture in the end, because the reward just seems.. incomplete, like I won't be truly happy with that alone. But because of that, I get eternal torture anyway.
I don't know how to stop wanting things.

Welcome to CF.

God's plan for all of us is that we believe in Christ, listen to Him, and follow Him in what He said to us to do, and so gain the peace and rest that He offers for our souls, which is so much better than any of the many things of the world, the vainglory of the world. Those who have much of the superficial things of this world have to come to a moment when they realize how empty the things of this world are compared to Christ. All the things/pursuits of the world, the worldly stuff, it's all nothing, ultimately. Like dust in the wind. Christ overcame the world, and we can follow Him and overcome too. Read Matthew chapter 11 from verse 25 on Matthew 11 NIV (and needed for us, even better, read all of Matthew, listening to all He says, taking your time, and absorbing His words, and keeping them in your heart.)

------------
(about other topics you raised, those are discussed here on CF, sometimes helpfully I think!)

 

[bèlla]

Welcome to the site. I encourage to read Joni Eareckson Tada’s writings. She shares similar physical challenges, but she’s accomplished great feats for the Lord and has a loving spouse. He is the God of possibilities. Hold on to that.

~Bella

 

[joshua 1 9]

what I wanted in life, won't happen for me.

Then you can seek after God's plan and purpose for you and your life. He is always ready to rescue, save, heal and deliver us. He is just waiting for us to surrender all of what we have to Him.

 

[Jamdoc]

Welcome to CF.

God's plan for all of us is that we believe in Christ, listen to Him, and follow Him in what He said to us to do, and so gain the peace and rest that He offers for our souls, which is so much better than any of the many things of the world, the vainglory of the world. Those who have much of the superficial things of this world have to come to a moment when they realize how empty the things of this world are compared to Christ. All the things/pursuits of the world, the worldly stuff, it's all nothing, ultimately. Like dust in the wind. Christ overcame the world, and we can follow Him and overcome too. Read Matthew chapter 11 from verse 25 on Matthew 11 NIV (and needed for us, even better, read all of Matthew, listening to all He says, taking your time, and absorbing His words, and keeping them in your heart.)

------------
(about other topics you raised, those are discussed here on CF, sometimes helpfully I think!)

Well, what I fear out of it all is, 24/7/365 praising and worshiping sounds very samey for eternity. I need variety, and it seems like I'm discouraged from even wanting that.
I have read Matthew, like I said the Matthew 25 was a like a sucker punch I wasn't expecting and has hurt ever since I read it. Being healed sounds great, but I feel like there's so much I'm already missing out on and I will miss out on them eternally.

Welcome to the site. I encourage to read Joni Eareckson Tada’s writings. She shares similar physical challenges, but she’s accomplished great feats for the Lord and has a loving spouse. He is the God of possibilities. Hold on to that.

~Bella

Welcome to the site. I encourage to read Joni Eareckson Tada’s writings. She shares similar physical challenges, but she’s accomplished great feats for the Lord and has a loving spouse. He is the God of possibilities. Hold on to that.

~Bella

But didn't she have the spouse and family before her disabilities hit her?
As far as accomplishing great feats.. I don't even know what I can do. I pray for revelation, but nothing has come up. I don't know what to do.

 

[Jamdoc]

Then you can seek after God's plan and purpose for you and your life. He is always ready to rescue, save, heal and deliver us. He is just waiting for us to surrender all of what we have to Him.

Well, I don't have much, I don't suppose I can surrender pain to him?

 

[joshua 1 9]

Well, I don't have much, I don't suppose I can surrender pain to him?

We know it is God's desire to heal people of their pain. If you are going to turn to man and their drugs then that is what you are going to get because that prevents the body from healing itself.

 

[bèlla]

But didn't she have the spouse and family before her disabilities hit her?

No, it was a diving accident. She began her ministry and married after it happened. Joni shares her reflections on what she’s learned. And I think you’d be equally blessed by Kara Tippetts. She shared her cancer struggle with the world.

Few have touched my heart deeper than Joni, Kara, and Corrie ten Boom. They’ve shown me how to suffer with grace and dignity. Their courage compels me to be a light and source of encouragement for the lost and hurting.

As far as accomplishing great feats.. I don't even know what I can do. I pray for revelation, but nothing has come up. I don't know what to do.

Befriend Him. Spend your day getting acquainted and allow the relationship to grow from there. God reveals things when we’re ready to receive them. Your trust in Him is the linchpin. The greater your faith the further you’re willing to stretch for His glory.

~Bella

 

[joshua 1 9]

But didn't she have the spouse and family before her disabilities hit her?

She was a teenager and a long way off from meeting her husband. She has been around a while. She use to open for Billy Graham.

 

[Jamdoc]

We know it is God's desire to heal people of their pain. If you are going to turn to man and their drugs then that is what you are going to get because that prevents the body from healing itself.

I don't think anyone's made a full recovery from either disease, only remission with medications, that's part of why I lost hope for this whole world and life, because I only see recovery after resurrection, not before.

No, it was a diving accident. She began her ministry and married after it happened. Joni shares her reflections on what she’s learned. And I think you’d be equally blessed by Kara Tippetts. She shared her cancer struggle with the world.

Few have touched my heart deeper than Joni, Kara, and Corrie ten Boom. They’ve shown me how to suffer with grace and dignity. Their courage compels me to be a light and source of encouragement for the lost and hurting.

I'll have to read into those I definitely don't know how to suffer with grace.

She was a teenager and a long way off from meeting her husband. She has been around a while. She use to open for Billy Graham.

Well that's a surprise. providence I guess. I just doubt any woman's free will being able to love a cripple who's broke and relies on charity and family just to live. I can't provide for anyone not even myself.

 

[joshua 1 9]

I don't think anyone's made a full recovery from either disease, only remission with medications, that's part of why I lost hope for this whole world and life, because I only see recovery after resurrection, not before.

God has all the plans. I am very heavenly minded and I spend time in prayer and fellowship with those that are already in Heaven. There are a lot of books written about that, the ones I like the best are written by Kat Kerr.

 

[gym_class_hero]

Hi Jason, God bless you. I think you are shortchanging God for what He has prepared for us in heaven.

when I see the mountains, the Stars, the ocean and all the natural beauty of this world, I can't imagine what God has prepared for us when we get there as he has promised. so I can either believe that what he says is the truth, or what he says is a lie.

New International Version
However, as it is written: "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" -- the things God has prepared for those who love him--

I am sorry for your pain and suffering which is much more than I can imagine. however all of us have dreams and hopes that are never realized in this life and that's why I make a conscious choice everyday to focus on the next life. God has a plan for me even though it might not be the plan I would have picked. You have the ability to be a great blessing to many people, you are a blessing to me this morning for your honesty and faith in the face of your circumstances. Hang in there brother

 

[Halbhh]

Well, what I fear out of it all is, 24/7/365 praising and worshiping sounds very samey for eternity. I need variety, and it seems like I'm discouraged from even wanting that.

While the glory of God will be....so indescribable and transformative, and so very different than the consciousness we have here and now....even realizing that, I would not assume that you only have one thing to do in the afterlife. Instead we read something a lot more interesting in Revelations and other places -- there will be a new heaven and a new Earth. People will come to visit the New Jerusalem. Sounds...like there is more, just even with this brief suggestion, already clearly more. I'd trust Jesus that it will be very good....

 

[Jamdoc]

While the glory of God will be....so indescribable and transformative, and so very different than the consciousness we have here and now....even realizing that, I would not assume that you only have one thing to do in the afterlife. Instead we read something a lot more interesting in Revelations and other places -- there will be a new heaven and a new Earth. People will come to visit the New Jerusalem. Sounds...like there is more, just even with this brief suggestion, already clearly more. I'd trust Jesus that it will be very good....

It's Revelations 7 that put the idea on my head. The image of all the redeemed and angels just kneeling before the throne and singing praise.
Maybe I'm thinking too much into that as being a singular activity, because when I've asked pastors about what else there is besides God's presence itself I'm led to believe that's all I need and all I should want.
Or maybe that's what it really is and we're just imperfect and define our existence right now by a passage of time and need variety in the things we do to make time and passage of time have meaning. If we did the same thing all day every single day we'd lose track of all time. I don't know.

 

[bmjackson]

Jason, Christ paid a very high price for you and has the right to allow anything into your life. I do not think He wills it but He allows it by not stopping it. We are not to be shielded in this world, but there is a way to escape by being one with Him and knowing a closeness deeper than anything that any human can give us.

You must submit on this first though and lose that bitterness and anger. The Bible does not lie and the promises of God are real, even for those who have been crushed by life, damaged and abused.

All of the things you are thinking come from the devil and you must make a stand and decide whom you will believe even though it looks like God does not care about you. He has great plans to bless you but you must decide who you will believe.

My own life is full of tragedy and sickness since infancy. And I have been granted entrance into His throne room and know that knowing Him in this way conquers all.

And no you are not in such a state of futility healthwise there are a number of dietary protocols that put autoimmunity into remission - look up Dr Terry Wahls who did it with MS.

 

[royal priest]

Well, what I fear out of it all is, 24/7/365 praising and worshiping sounds very samey for eternity. I need variety, and it seems like I'm discouraged from even wanting that.
I have read Matthew, like I said the Matthew 25 was a like a sucker punch I wasn't expecting and has hurt ever since I read it. Being healed sounds great, but I feel like there's so much I'm already missing out on and I will miss out on them eternally.




But didn't she have the spouse and family before her disabilities hit her?
As far as accomplishing great feats.. I don't even know what I can do. I pray for revelation, but nothing has come up. I don't know what to do.

If God has fashioned our earthly, temporal bodies to enjoy earthly, temporal blessings such as marriage, then will He not also fashion our eternal, glorified bodies to enjoy eternal, celestial blessings? Presently these temporal earthly desires distract us from yearning for God as we ought.
But see the bliss of that heavenly congregation portrayed for us in the book of Revelation which so freely and happily renders worship to their God. That will be us my friend because we will be as they are unfettered by the physical and spiritual crippling of this current cursed creation.

 

[Deade]

Hello Jason, welcome to CF.

I hope you'll enjoy your stay here. Keep seeking Christ and you will not be disappointed.

 

[Jamdoc]

Jason, Christ paid a very high price for you and has the right to allow anything into your life. I do not think He wills it but He allows it by not stopping it. We are not to be shielded in this world, but there is a way to escape by being one with Him and knowing a closeness deeper than anything that any human can give us.

You must submit on this first though and lose that bitterness and anger. The Bible does not lie and the promises of God are real, even for those who have been crushed by life, damaged and abused.

All of the things you are thinking come from the devil and you must make a stand and decide whom you will believe even though it looks like God does not care about you. He has great plans to bless you but you must decide who you will believe.

My own life is full of tragedy and sickness since infancy. And I have been granted entrance into His throne room and know that knowing Him in this way conquers all.

And no you are not in such a state of futility healthwise there are a number of dietary protocols that put autoimmunity into remission - look up Dr Terry Wahls who did it with MS.

The things I am thinking come from scripture. Its the attitude I think about them come from being fallible, human, and flawed.

 

[catch_the_music]

I would not worry about being single in heaven. God will provide for our needs. After all He is the one who said "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
Our lives in Heaven will be so filled with Joy - the Bible says we cannot comprehend it. “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.”

Until that time - continue to reflect on His Grace for us.

Peace my friend!