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A sigh of relief

Discussion in 'General Struggles' started by Jenna, Apr 11, 2003.

  1. Jenna

    Jenna Senior Veteran

    +179
    Messianic
    Married
    US-Constitution
    It's been a while since I've been in here. Actually, it's been a while since I've really posted on CFs period. I don't know if anyone really remembers, but for a long time I have been doing serious battle with depression. Every day has been a struggle to get out of bed, and every day I had to deal with the terrible urge to self-injure. I tried going to therapy, but all the talk of the past was actually making things worse instead of better. It wasn't that there was some healthy dredging going on, just that I was already so miserable anyway that dwelling on bad experiences made me feel even worse. There was no sense of relief.

    I went to my doctor at the beginning of the week and had a talk with him, and he seems to think that I am seriously depressed and could benefit from medication. The only tricky part is that he believes that I might be bi-polar, and that would take a different drug therapy than just treating standard depression. Still, what has really made an impression on me is how much better I am feeling already, even though I have only been on meds for a week. I don't think that the medication is what is really making the difference, at least not directly. They say that it can take weeks to really elicit change. Still, I think that it is a sense of hope that is helping me to feel better. It is such a breath of fresh air to think that I won't always have to live in such sadness, that I will one day be able to look at my daughter and take real joy from being with her. I will one day be able to shrug off the weight from my shoulders and love my husband like he deserves, instead of being overly cranky because of my high anxiety levels because of the depression.

    For so long, I prayed and prayed that God would take this from me. I never want to be the kind of person that neglects my family, but that is what I do when I can't even find myself through the sadness. It makes everyone miserable, and I just prayed for some relief for all of us, for the sake of keeping our family together. Still, I was so intimidated by the idea of having to sit down with someone and ask for their help and admit that I had a very serious problem, and that I was on the verge of suicide, that nothing ever seemed to happen. I wonder at times if what was stopping the opperation of God's blessings was ME, that maybe He wanted to work through my doctor, and I was standing in the way of my own relief. I understand that this is must the beginning of a long, long journey- but I think that I am finally ready for it. I am just so very thankful that God never turned His back on me, even when I let my pride and fear get in the way. I know that I should always expect that level of loving and compassion, but sometimes it is like a brand new experience to realize just how different God is from the people around me, that even when I'm at my darnedest he is still supportive and loving. Now I guess I just have to learn how to get myself out of the way when I ask for His help. lol  :)
     
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  2. Hopeful

    Hopeful Active Member

    967
    +15
    Protestant
    :hug: stories like this give people like me hope, welcome back :hug:
     
  3. Newsies_Angel_89

    Newsies_Angel_89 Sad Girl, Searching and Praying for God's Comforti

    40
    +0
    Glad everything is going better for you! It gives me hope as I fight my problems-including the whole deal that I was diagnosed w/ depression last week-and I'm just so glad things are starting to work out! I'll keep you in my prayers and hope that everything continues to go well!
     
  4. Didymus

    Didymus can t spell--can t type

    +8
    Protestant
    i am vety happy for you. i hope you continue to improve.
     
  5. Mr.Cheese

    Mr.Cheese Legend

    +499
    Christian
    Single
    Sounds like you're on the right meds. After only a week I felt brand new it seems. It's funny isn't it? It's so nice to feel alive for once.
    I'm glad you're doing better. Depression is a nice monster to get rid of.
     
  6. nomad

    nomad Member

    408
    +1
    I'm truly praying for you and your doctors that God will use all things to heal you.  Thanks for your wonderful post.

     :pray:




     
     
  7. speechless

    speechless Regular Member

    125
    +0
    Christian
    Single
    God bless you :)

    I hope this new found happiness becomes a permanent thing

    In Christ,

    April
     
  8. Jenna

    Jenna Senior Veteran

    +179
    Messianic
    Married
    US-Constitution
    Thank you so much for caring, everyone. It is so wonderful to know that I can just pour all of this stuff out and know that there are kind people here who will be supportive.  :) 

    I don't know if it is the medication or not, but I've noticed that I've been able to laugh quite a bit more at my husband's screw-ball sense of humor. He is forever making childish jokes and stuff, and instead of being overly cranky and just snapping at him, I'm actually enjoying the playfulness. It has been so long, and I guess I can see now why he has been so upset over the way that I've acted. Anywho, even during this short time, we are already getting along so much better.

    I've also noticed that I am not snapping at my daughter. I still scold her when she gets out of hand, but I'm not crumbling into a mass of anxiety, which means that at the end of the day I can still hug her and kiss on her happily.

    It's amazing. I actually got some housework done today. Hey, and I even managed to open the blinds and go outside too. :) I'm sure that those things seem so small to most people, but to me they are huge things. I can sit in the dark for days, never getting dressed or opening the blinds. It's sad, and it makes me feel bad for my daughter to have to deal with me like that.

    I especially look forward to being able to enjoy church again. I know that it sounds so horrible, but for the past few months going to church has been painful for me. It got so bad that I've missed nearly a month of going to church because I dreaded how I would feel. I used to feel so whole, complete, and elated to worship....but as the depression began to rule every aspect of my life, all of the color was bled from even that beautiful time. I would spend my time sitting during the service and on the verge of tears because I couldn't FEEL, and I knew the difference in how it is supposed to be, and it made me terribly sad. I am definitely looking forward to experiencing that wonderful experience that I have had before. :)
     
  9. Mr.Cheese

    Mr.Cheese Legend

    +499
    Christian
    Single
    Rock on!
    The wet blanket is off!
    I enjoy living now.
    It's jsut good to get up in the morning and be alive.
    Never though I'd be saying that.
    *hug*
     
  10. psycmajor

    psycmajor self-Banned

    +9
    It's nice to see your smiling face, Jenna. :):)
     
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