A recurring depressive thought, and what I'm doing about it

[LovebirdsFlying]

The background: I grew up very poor. That means not enough attention to hygiene and personal appearance. Things like soap, energy to heat water, and grooming supplies cost money. So do salon haircuts and well-fitting clothes in good repair. To save money, my hair was cut (badly) at home, and my clothes were second-hand. I looked shabby and unkempt at school, and was bullied for it. In third grade when my permanent teeth came in, my two front teeth stuck out like Bugs Bunny. As you can imagine, that among other things is exactly what my classmates called me. Again, my parents couldn't afford to do anything about it, or at least, that was the excuse they used.

In eighth grade, because of the extreme bullying I faced at school, a kind guidance counselor took up a collection for me and funded braces, which straightened my teeth.

In tenth grade when the braces came off, that's about when I started gaining weight. At this point, still more bullying. Where before I was called Bugs Bunny, I was now called a beached whale. When I graduated from high school, got married, and had children, my first husband continued the tradition. School bullying from classmates turned into verbal abuse from him. Which is one of the many reasons he's my ex.

In the present, my now-and-forever husband and I are conditioning our bodies for bariatric surgery, and how to eat afterward. When we lose the weight, we've been told in no uncertain terms, the insurance does not cover any reconstructive surgery for the sagging skin. IF a patient has had three documented and treated infections as a result of the hanging folds, THEN a panniculectomy (removal of excess skin from the abdomen) may be done. But only if, and only that. Never mind sagging arms, legs, or anything else. I can tell you for sure, we can't afford that out of pocket. If insurance doesn't cover it, we'll end up looking like a couple of Shar Peis, tripping over our own skin as it drags the ground.

So, the depressing thought: There is and always will be something that causes me to be unattractive. First the shabby appearance and bad haircuts. Then the buck teeth. Then the weight gain for real. Every problem has been solved. I escaped poverty, to the glory of God. I got my teeth fixed. I've lost *some* weight, can't lose it all on my own, but soon will. And now I'm getting older. Gray hair and wrinkles are coming, sure enough, even without the skin folds leftover from the surgery. At no stage in my life will I ever be beautiful.

And what I keep telling myself: It's not MY beauty I'm supposed to be glorying in.

Isn't HE, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, beautiful beyond description? That's the beauty I need to concentrate on.

 

[royal priest]

The background: I grew up very poor. That means not enough attention to hygiene and personal appearance. Things like soap, energy to heat water, and grooming supplies cost money. So do salon haircuts and well-fitting clothes in good repair. To save money, my hair was cut (badly) at home, and my clothes were second-hand. I looked shabby and unkempt at school, and was bullied for it. In third grade when my permanent teeth came in, my two front teeth stuck out like Bugs Bunny. As you can imagine, that among other things is exactly what my classmates called me. Again, my parents couldn't afford to do anything about it, or at least, that was the excuse they used.

In eighth grade, because of the extreme bullying I faced at school, a kind guidance counselor took up a collection for me and funded braces, which straightened my teeth.

In tenth grade when the braces came off, that's about when I started gaining weight. At this point, still more bullying. Where before I was called Bugs Bunny, I was now called a beached whale. When I graduated from high school, got married, and had children, my first husband continued the tradition. School bullying from classmates turned into verbal abuse from him. Which is one of the many reasons he's my ex.

In the present, my now-and-forever husband and I are conditioning our bodies for bariatric surgery, and how to eat afterward. When we lose the weight, we've been told in no uncertain terms, the insurance does not cover any reconstructive surgery for the sagging skin. IF a patient has had three documented and treated infections as a result of the hanging folds, THEN a panniculectomy (removal of excess skin from the abdomen) may be done. But only if, and only that. Never mind sagging arms, legs, or anything else. I can tell you for sure, we can't afford that out of pocket. If insurance doesn't cover it, we'll end up looking like a couple of Shar Peis, tripping over our own skin as it drags the ground.

So, the depressing thought: There is and always will be something that causes me to be unattractive. First the shabby appearance and bad haircuts. Then the buck teeth. Then the weight gain for real. Every problem has been solved. I escaped poverty, to the glory of God. I got my teeth fixed. I've lost *some* weight, can't lose it all on my own, but soon will. And now I'm getting older. Gray hair and wrinkles are coming, sure enough, even without the skin folds leftover from the surgery. At no stage in my life will I ever be beautiful.

And what I keep telling myself: It's not MY beauty I'm supposed to be glorying in.

Isn't HE, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, beautiful beyond description? That's the beauty I need to concentrate on.

Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

1 Peter 3:3-4
Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.

 

[Anthony2019]

Thought I'd share this extract from Life of the Beloved by Henri J Nouwen (pgs. 36-37). Hope it is of some encouragement to you.

"'I have called you by name, from the very beginning. You are mine and I am yours. You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. I have molded you in the depths of the earth and knitted you together in your mother's womb. I have carved you in the palms of my hands and hidden you in the shadow of my embrace. I look at you with infinite tenderness and care for you with care most intimate than that of a mother for her child. I have counted every hair on your head and guided you at every step. Wherever you go, I go with you, and wherever you rest, I keep watch. I will give you food that will satisfy your hunger and drink that will quench all your thirst. I will not hide my face from you. You know me as your own as I know you as my own. You belong to me."

"Every time you listen with great attentiveness to the voice that calls you the Beloved, you will discover within yourself a desire to hear that voice longer and more deeply. It is like discovering a well in the desert. Once you have touched wet ground, you want to dig deeper."