alexandriaa

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Hi everyone, I’m hoping for some honest feedback. I have been married just shy of 3 months. It seems that since getting married my husband has been twisting scripture to permit abuse. Lately when we have encountered arguments he will get in my face basically touching my nose and start screaming as loud as he possibly can going on a tangent about how I have to respect him. Literally saying the words “Shut up and respect me” or “Shut up and submit to me” Or “Shut up and get in the room” (where he literally expects me to just stop having an opinion and go sit on our bed in silence). During these encounters I will explain to him that if he wants respect he cannot treat me/talk to me that way and he will go on about how I should fear him and that will produce respect. I disagree. I don’t think God intends me to fear my husband like this. My Husband will yell about how the Bible says we must fear God, so I must fear him (my husband). I don’t agree with his use of scripture. He is not God I should not put him on the same pedestal as the Lord. The Lord will always be above him. He has screamed so loud our neighbors from upstairs will tell me how they can literally hear his exact words and how they can’t imagine mine and my sons fear because of how they felt. We have a marriage counseling meeting tomorrow and I intend on being 100% honest with our pastor and tell him everything but I am a bit nervous about it all. My husband is always telling people how bad I am to him because I have resorted to also yelling at him in the past but I need to stick up for myself! I am afraid he will try to manipulate the situation tomorrow. Please pray for me. Anyone have any advice on how to overcome this situation ?
 

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Hi everyone, I’m hoping for some honest feedback. I have been married just shy of 3 months. It seems that since getting married my husband has been twisting scripture to permit abuse. Lately when we have encountered arguments he will get in my face basically touching my nose and start screaming as loud as he possibly can going on a tangent about how I have to respect him. Literally saying the words “Shut up and respect me” or “Shut up and submit to me” Or “Shut up and get in the room” (where he literally expects me to just stop having an opinion and go sit on our bed in silence). During these encounters I will explain to him that if he wants respect he cannot treat me/talk to me that way and he will go on about how I should fear him and that will produce respect. I disagree. I don’t think God intends me to fear my husband like this. My Husband will yell about how the Bible says we must fear God, so I must fear him (my husband). I don’t agree with his use of scripture. He is not God I should not put him on the same pedestal as the Lord. The Lord will always be above him. He has screamed so loud our neighbors from upstairs will tell me how they can literally hear his exact words and how they can’t imagine mine and my sons fear because of how they felt. We have a marriage counseling meeting tomorrow and I intend on being 100% honest with our pastor and tell him everything but I am a bit nervous about it all. My husband is always telling people how bad I am to him because I have resorted to also yelling at him in the past but I need to stick up for myself! I am afraid he will try to manipulate the situation tomorrow. Please pray for me. Anyone have any advice on how to overcome this situation ?
I think you are doing good with a counseling meeting and getting your pastor involved. Let us know whether the counseling session helped. Also whether your pastor has a plan to help you.

Nobody should be shouting and demanding submission. Mutual submission should be freely given.

Do not let this go and accept it as normal. You are early in your marriage and maybe things can change. It sounds to me like your husband doesn't get Biblical submission, which is a gift you give which cannot be demanded. He's a little bit backwards.
 
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PaulCyp1

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Respect is earned. No-one receives respect by demanding it. As long as your husband behaves in an immature, disrespectful manner, you will never be able to respect him, even if you want to. That would be impossible. Hopefully over time he will become more mature and more respectful, because if he doesn't, your marriage is doomed. I speak from experience. 40 years ago I was immature, self-centered, and wanted to be the "head" of our marriage, even though I didn't have a clue what that meant. In time, with prayer and guidance, I gradually became more mature, more understanding of marriage, more caring about my wife's needs. I discovered that being "head" means being willing to sacrifice whatever it takes to provide for my wife's needs. She can follow and respect and love a man who lives his life placing her needs before his own. That's what it's all about. So many marriages end because the man simply isn't willing to learn and accept these facts.
 
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FutureAndAHope

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I am a man, so I come from this situation from the other side. My wife and I have been married for over 10 years now, there was a time when I thought that my anger was "justified", there were times when I thought that my wife was out of line, and needed correction. However, one day God showed me that it was wrong for me to get angry with my wife, and it was wrong to try to correct her. From that time on I tried to never be angry with my wife, and I have very rarely since had any anger outbursts. So what am I saying from this? Marriages generally start out bad (ours did) and improve, with God's help your husband may one day become a different man. Pray that God reveals to him that he should not get angry.
 
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longwait

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Hi everyone, I’m hoping for some honest feedback. I have been married just shy of 3 months. It seems that since getting married my husband has been twisting scripture to permit abuse. Lately when we have encountered arguments he will get in my face basically touching my nose and start screaming as loud as he possibly can going on a tangent about how I have to respect him. Literally saying the words “Shut up and respect me” or “Shut up and submit to me” Or “Shut up and get in the room” (where he literally expects me to just stop having an opinion and go sit on our bed in silence). During these encounters I will explain to him that if he wants respect he cannot treat me/talk to me that way and he will go on about how I should fear him and that will produce respect. I disagree. I don’t think God intends me to fear my husband like this. My Husband will yell about how the Bible says we must fear God, so I must fear him (my husband). I don’t agree with his use of scripture. He is not God I should not put him on the same pedestal as the Lord. The Lord will always be above him. He has screamed so loud our neighbors from upstairs will tell me how they can literally hear his exact words and how they can’t imagine mine and my sons fear because of how they felt. We have a marriage counseling meeting tomorrow and I intend on being 100% honest with our pastor and tell him everything but I am a bit nervous about it all. My husband is always telling people how bad I am to him because I have resorted to also yelling at him in the past but I need to stick up for myself! I am afraid he will try to manipulate the situation tomorrow. Please pray for me. Anyone have any advice on how to overcome this situation ?

The Bible also says that husbands should love their wives and treat them with consideration as she is the weaker vessel and joint heir of the gracious gift of life.
 
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AK1982

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Your pain is valid. Initial days of marriage are mostly narrow roads, give it some time.

Respect for men and love for women are their respective inherent needs, lack of which is sometimes dealbreakers too. Love from husband produces & builds respect in wife and respect from wife produces & builds love in husband. The tricky part is who starts it first and endures the pain until the wheel picks up the momentum in marriage. Both the parties need to invest, one of them a little more!
 
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Tolworth John

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He has screamed so loud our neighbors from upstairs will tell me how they can literally hear his exact words and how they can’t imagine mine and my sons fear because of how they felt.

He is being abusive and needs to attend anger management as well as doing a bible study with your pastor, who needs to be rebuked formarrying you both without a marriage preparation course, about the sacrifical role of the husband.

Plerase before attending the councelling course get a written letter from your upstairs neighbours about how loud his screams were and what he was screaming.

If he is not able to see how rong he is, gather evidence of his behaviour and divorce him.
 
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Hi everyone, I’m hoping for some honest feedback. I have been married just shy of 3 months. It seems that since getting married my husband has been twisting scripture to permit abuse. Lately when we have encountered arguments he will get in my face basically touching my nose and start screaming as loud as he possibly can going on a tangent about how I have to respect him. Literally saying the words “Shut up and respect me” or “Shut up and submit to me” Or “Shut up and get in the room” (where he literally expects me to just stop having an opinion and go sit on our bed in silence). During these encounters I will explain to him that if he wants respect he cannot treat me/talk to me that way and he will go on about how I should fear him and that will produce respect. I disagree. I don’t think God intends me to fear my husband like this. My Husband will yell about how the Bible says we must fear God, so I must fear him (my husband). I don’t agree with his use of scripture. He is not God I should not put him on the same pedestal as the Lord. The Lord will always be above him. He has screamed so loud our neighbors from upstairs will tell me how they can literally hear his exact words and how they can’t imagine mine and my sons fear because of how they felt. We have a marriage counseling meeting tomorrow and I intend on being 100% honest with our pastor and tell him everything but I am a bit nervous about it all. My husband is always telling people how bad I am to him because I have resorted to also yelling at him in the past but I need to stick up for myself! I am afraid he will try to manipulate the situation tomorrow. Please pray for me. Anyone have any advice on how to overcome this situation ?
Welcome to CF. I am sorry you are going through such pain. I do pray your pastor will have the righteous council to help both of you. Be blessed.
 
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tturt

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Hope the session goes well.

Also, encourage you to watch "Marriage Today." He has a Biblical understanding of this issue.

Their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc. He was recently interviewed on Joni: Table Table for 4 eqisodes about his book "The Four Laws of Love." Think those can still be viewed.

There's hundreds of "Marriage Today" episodes on youtube.
 
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Anger and frustration are usually symptoms of expectations that are inconsistent with reality. It is not uncommon for anger to trigger anger and a cycle can be built that is destructive to both.

You might want to channel some of your husbands anger into asking him to be specific in how he understand the application of the bible to a specific instance. By asking the other person questions, you can control a conversation and direct it back towards something constructive.

For example, if he says you are to "obey" him, you might ask for the bible reference. If he cites Col. 3:18, you might ask that since the verse goes on to say "in the Lord" how that particular situation is "in the Lord".

You can patiently ask how yelling at you is "in the Lord". Few people who are angry or feel hurt are going to reflect on their incomplete understanding and seek to learn and mature.

The main objective is to first stop hurting each other. This can be done by asking if the other person is aware of how much their words cause hurt. A couple can even adopt a signaling system to indicate feelings of hurt and employ time outs, delays, or other agreed upon methods to back out of contention and redirect communication into more productive areas.

Being able to control communication will be important if children are brought into thew situation. You can ask your husband if yelling is the method he will employ as a father and if he thinks you are his child.

Many men get mad because they think that are "right" or have to "give orders". They usually have not learn other ways such as persuasion or instruction.

It can be hard for some men to come to understand that there is much more they can learn.
 
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Sketcher

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1 Peter 3:7 condemns his behavior. As much as he might appreciate and emphasize verses 5 and 6, he must obey 7.

Out of curiosity, did you two talk about submission and respect before you got married?
 
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What was his behavior like before you wed? Was he prone to fits of anger with you or others? More importantly, how was his home life and childhood experiences?

Men who emphasize respect and submission in the manner you've shared are typically reacting to an absence of love, neglect, bullying, or all of the above. They haven't been heard or valued and can't ask for it in a healthy fashion. And they become tyrants.

~bella
 
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Hi everyone, I’m hoping for some honest feedback. I have been married just shy of 3 months. It seems that since getting married my husband has been twisting scripture to permit abuse. Lately when we have encountered arguments he will get in my face basically touching my nose and start screaming as loud as he possibly can going on a tangent about how I have to respect him. Literally saying the words “Shut up and respect me” or “Shut up and submit to me” Or “Shut up and get in the room” (where he literally expects me to just stop having an opinion and go sit on our bed in silence). During these encounters I will explain to him that if he wants respect he cannot treat me/talk to me that way and he will go on about how I should fear him and that will produce respect. I disagree. I don’t think God intends me to fear my husband like this. My Husband will yell about how the Bible says we must fear God, so I must fear him (my husband). I don’t agree with his use of scripture. He is not God I should not put him on the same pedestal as the Lord. The Lord will always be above him. He has screamed so loud our neighbors from upstairs will tell me how they can literally hear his exact words and how they can’t imagine mine and my sons fear because of how they felt. We have a marriage counseling meeting tomorrow and I intend on being 100% honest with our pastor and tell him everything but I am a bit nervous about it all. My husband is always telling people how bad I am to him because I have resorted to also yelling at him in the past but I need to stick up for myself! I am afraid he will try to manipulate the situation tomorrow. Please pray for me. Anyone have any advice on how to overcome this situation ?
We have 3 daughters, and if you were our daughter, we would tell you to leave him ASAP. If this is what he is like NOW, he will only be WORSE a year from now. Your marriage to him was a huge mistake. Take your child and find a safe house, move back with your parents, or do whatever it takes to get away from him... No one should have to go through that kind of stress. God does not expect you and your child to stay there.

Please let us know how the meeting with the Pastor goes. I am very worried for you.
 
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alexandriaa

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Hopefully I am responding to you all correctly. I am new to using this website so I’m not sure on how to work it yet.

overall I think the meeting with our pastor went well. He told me to not worry so much about correcting my husband on certain things day to day and not try to have control over certain situations. I should just speak words of love over my husband. He acknowledged that my husband screaming in my face was wrong and that my husband needs to learn how to love me better. There was a lot said so hopefully I am not forgetting things.

The pastor also mentioned something that my husband is again just taking and running with. One of the tools he gave us is that whenever we are trying to communicate with each other we should repeat what the other said back and ask if they understand. I mentioned that I will do that and that my husband will repeat my statement back at me and say he understands but his actions will not follow. The pastor said that me asking my husband if he understands me is manipulation and I shouldn’t seek to control him. I was completely thrown off by that and I didn’t quite understand it because I don’t want to control my husband and I really thought I was doing things correctly. I guess I should have asked him to clarify that but I was taken back. In the car that’s the one thing my husband fixated on and basically decided that I was a manipulator.

The pastor also spoke to us individually and he spoke with my husband for almost an hour before coming to get me. My private conversation with him was actually positive and insightful. He told me that God blessed me with the gift of administration and that my husband does not have that but I should not seek to correct things when in our daily lives things aren’t going according to plan.

so overall I think it went well but I am still a little confused on things.
 
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chevyontheriver

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Hopefully I am responding to you all correctly. I am new to using this website so I’m not sure on how to work it yet.

overall I think the meeting with our pastor went well. He told me to not worry so much about correcting my husband on certain things day to day and not try to have control over certain situations. I should just speak words of love over my husband. He acknowledged that my husband screaming in my face was wrong and that my husband needs to learn how to love me better. There was a lot said so hopefully I am not forgetting things.

The pastor also mentioned something that my husband is again just taking and running with. One of the tools he gave us is that whenever we are trying to communicate with each other we should repeat what the other said back and ask if they understand. I mentioned that I will do that and that my husband will repeat my statement back at me and say he understands but his actions will not follow. The pastor said that me asking my husband if he understands me is manipulation and I shouldn’t seek to control him. I was completely thrown off by that and I didn’t quite understand it because I don’t want to control my husband and I really thought I was doing things correctly. I guess I should have asked him to clarify that but I was taken back. In the car that’s the one thing my husband fixated on and basically decided that I was a manipulator.

The pastor also spoke to us individually and he spoke with my husband for almost an hour before coming to get me. My private conversation with him was actually positive and insightful. He told me that God blessed me with the gift of administration and that my husband does not have that but I should not seek to correct things when in our daily lives things aren’t going according to plan.

so overall I think it went well but I am still a little confused on things.
You should probably have a few followup visits. Maybe several.
 
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Paidiske

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You asking your husband if he understands isn't manipulation (but your husband's accusation that you are a manipulator is a problem). I think you need to find someone else to work with.
 
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Hopefully I am responding to you all correctly. I am new to using this website so I’m not sure on how to work it yet.

overall I think the meeting with our pastor went well. He told me to not worry so much about correcting my husband on certain things day to day and not try to have control over certain situations. I should just speak words of love over my husband. He acknowledged that my husband screaming in my face was wrong and that my husband needs to learn how to love me better. There was a lot said so hopefully I am not forgetting things.

The pastor also mentioned something that my husband is again just taking and running with. One of the tools he gave us is that whenever we are trying to communicate with each other we should repeat what the other said back and ask if they understand. I mentioned that I will do that and that my husband will repeat my statement back at me and say he understands but his actions will not follow. The pastor said that me asking my husband if he understands me is manipulation and I shouldn’t seek to control him. I was completely thrown off by that and I didn’t quite understand it because I don’t want to control my husband and I really thought I was doing things correctly. I guess I should have asked him to clarify that but I was taken back. In the car that’s the one thing my husband fixated on and basically decided that I was a manipulator.

The pastor also spoke to us individually and he spoke with my husband for almost an hour before coming to get me. My private conversation with him was actually positive and insightful. He told me that God blessed me with the gift of administration and that my husband does not have that but I should not seek to correct things when in our daily lives things aren’t going according to plan.

so overall I think it went well but I am still a little confused on things.
Are you two going to be going back to the pastor to follow up?

Did the pastor tell you both to clarify things to each other, but disagree with the way you were doing it with your husband? Did he tell you a right way to clarify what your husband was after? There is a right and a wrong way to ask someone if you understand them.

I will not deny that there are women who consciously or unconsciously needle their husbands with their words or behavior, and I can understand a desire to de-fuse the reaction to that needling. But it needs to be understood that respect is a two-way street, even with a good complementarian model. How that respect and love is expressed will differ between husband and wife, with the greater emphasis given to wives giving respect and husbands giving love. But that respect that she gives and that love that he gives both come from the same root, and just as the respect she gives will not be devoid of love, the love he gives will not be devoid of respect. What is different between the two is the expression of what is given, not what is really given. 1 Peter 3:5-7 and Ephesians 5:22-33 are expressions between wife and husband of Philippians 2:1-8, and Philippians 2:1-8 should govern our interactions with all people, especially within the church. Everyone in the church is to give Philippians 2:1-8 to each other, man, woman, and child. How it is done is what differs. You don't love a child the same way that you love your spouse, and vice versa. But it all needs to come from the same place, the basic putting the other's needs into consideration above your own wants. (And no, this is not to be interpreted as remaining in a situation where your life is at risk - Jesus stepping up to meet our spiritual needs by dying for our sins is not the same as dying because abusive spouses think they need human punching bags.) My source on this: church elders who have been married to each other longer than I have been alive.

Now, there's a difference between giving that love badly, and not giving it. It is the responsibility of every spouse to give that love more consistently, and to give it better. If I want to give love in a way that the other person finds disrespectful, I have failed to give love even though I tried. If I am simply going by established rules of interaction to govern how I manipulate and hurt someone, I'm not trying to give love. As to which of those is happening in a given marriage, and how often, I can't always tell because I am human. I can't advise how to properly establish which is happening, especially in the heat of the moment, I know that the wrong way to do that will make matters worse, but I'm mentioning this because the difference is important.
 
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