"a man must provide for the needs of his family" ....but what if you can't?

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SonicBOOM

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honestly this distresses me. I have come from a very poor family [unchristian as well] and I probably will end up falling in their footsteps..... I just can not make a super lot amount of money and my emotional and mental issues even make working incredibly difficult for me [not impossible mind you].

Now I'm not saying a godly man is a 30 year old man who lives with his mommy. But I will say that some christian men are very very poor..... and over-looked and dismissed.

honestly..... why is this the 1# dealbreaker for christian women? It makes me feel like you want me only for my wallet. It makes me SCARED to make alot of money for fear of attracting gold-diggers who use the "provide for the needs of the family" to excuse their selfishness. If this is really all it comes down to is money? I think i'd rather not marry.

thoughts?
 

K9_Trainer

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I think you just need to find the right kind of woman.

Its not a dealbreaker for me. I'm going to college to get a degree and I plan on using it. I'm perfectly capable of making enough money for myself, I don't need a husband to take care of me financially, so I wouldn't mind having a husband who isn't able to that. I want a husband as a companion. Somebody who is my other half, somebody I can give my whole self to. Not for a leader or "head of my home" or caretaker.

As long as he has some kind of ambition or job, I don't care how much he makes or doesn't make. I don't want to become like a second mother, bringing in the money while he sits on his butt playing video games.
 
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Sketcher

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honestly this distresses me. I have come from a very poor family [unchristian as well] and I probably will end up falling in their footsteps..... I just can not make a super lot amount of money and my emotional and mental issues even make working incredibly difficult for me [not impossible mind you].
Aside from whatever psychiatric issues you may have (and those should be looked at and addressed if they'll interfere with your ability to work), you can take heart that family vices can be broken. My dad broke a couple major ones.
 
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Stravinsk

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honestly this distresses me. I have come from a very poor family [unchristian as well] and I probably will end up falling in their footsteps..... I just can not make a super lot amount of money and my emotional and mental issues even make working incredibly difficult for me [not impossible mind you].

Now I'm not saying a godly man is a 30 year old man who lives with his mommy. But I will say that some christian men are very very poor..... and over-looked and dismissed.

honestly..... why is this the 1# dealbreaker for christian women? It makes me feel like you want me only for my wallet. It makes me SCARED to make alot of money for fear of attracting gold-diggers who use the "provide for the needs of the family" to excuse their selfishness. If this is really all it comes down to is money? I think i'd rather not marry.

thoughts?

Take heart mate - there are good women out there who do not list large incomes as their primary priority in a male. Sometimes they are harder to find though...

I think it is reasonable for a woman to want a man to work, at the very least. Non-working men don't feel good about themselves, have a low self-image and as a couple, a women is partly a reflection of a man, they don't want a negative reflection. There is also the issue of where you are going to live - in a slum, a bad neighborhood filled with crime or a decent area.

A large income doesn't neccessarily mean everything will be rosy though. Only that there will be more financial security. To stupid, selfish leaches it is "all about money" - consider the woman who marries the guy who makes 200+ grand a year but who is never home because he is always working or is always traveling due to his work. Or the woman who marries a large income earner but who treats his wife and/or children badly.

I'm curious what your mental issues are that you say make it difficult to work. Have you tried to address them? Have you ever considered that not working can itself create mental issues? I know a man who leaches off his wife and the government and is "depressed". He says it's not his fault, has a chemical imbalance etc - and while that *may* be part of it (such things can often be solved by particular nutritional regimens) - a large part of it is simply the fact that he is being selfish and a leech. I am not saying this is you - but I know from experience that not working itself can cause one to get depressed and have a negative self image.
 
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stephanieamber

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My dad was a drug dealer when I was growing up, and went to jail. So that, combined with the fact that he's only ever done manual labor, means he never gets great jobs. He recently hurt his shoulder on the job and is now unable to work.

HOWEVER. My stepmom's side of the family is very close-knit and none of them drive.. and my dad drives them around. He's the only male on Edna's side, and he is quick to cook or clean or do what limited handy work he can.

My dad isn't at a place to financially provide for the family, but he does whatever he can.

I'd be telling an untruth if I said that it didn't matter to me. Ideally, I'd love to be a stay-at-home mom. But if it wasn't logical, I wouldn't be distraught.

It seems like I have had this conversation with someone recently.

Girls don't want your money.
Girls don't want your success.
Girls don't want your spoiling.

Girls want your loyalty.
Girls want your love.
Girls want your encouragement.
Girls want your shoulder.
Girls want your prayers.
Girls want your laughter.
Girls want your staying at home and watching a movie for the 27th time because $10.50 is too expensive for the theater.

It's not about money or success, but I think because of how men and women were created... women want to be protected and provided for. Emotionally more than monetarily. But men, out of their natural desire to BE the protector/provider, frequently do whatever they can.
 
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IDDQD

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Take heart mate - there are good women out there who do not list large incomes as their primary priority in a male.

Girls don't want your money.
Girls don't want your success.
Girls don't want your spoiling.

Girls want your loyalty.
Girls want your love.
Girls want your encouragement.
Girls want your shoulder.
Girls want your prayers.
Girls want your laughter.
Girls want your staying at home and watching a movie for the 27th time because $10.50 is too expensive for the theater.

Orly.jpg
 
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SonicBOOM

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thanks guys :) this has been eating me up and it has just became a little to much tonight.... so I just had to blow off some steam.

someone asked what my mental issues are..... well..... there's a pretty long list. Right now, I'm living off SSI.... but I hate the idea of leeching :) right now this just works for me so I can get my head on straight..... I plan on doing whatever it takes to provide for my family if I ever have one.... i would never leave that burden to the woman.... no matter the cost.

HOWEVER..... I can't promise a certain dollar amount. Some girls may not go right out and say they want a dollar amount.... but their goals and ambitions certainly imply a fixed dollar amount.

I do believe men are to be the spiritual head.... but I think the keyword here is "spiritual". What I believe this means is regarding the things of God. I'm not gonna say that this doesn't at least somewhat include money and the like [sense God is a part of all of life] ..... but it was never meant to be the primary concern

my picture of a man who takes the role of spiritual leader is a guy who tries his best to lead his family in the way he feels god wants them to go. He may not have an agenda financially.... but he certainly has an agenda spiritually and he's very passionate about it.

Also when it comes to providing? My belief is a man ought to try his best with what he has available to him.... no woman should EVER throw mud in the face of a good man with an empty wallet. This doesn't excuse men who sit at home with mommy and daddy and wanna move from mommy to wifey. This includes men who truly try their best and SACRIFICE on behalf of their family [as you can tell, I'm passionate about this]


Girls don't want your money.
Girls don't want your success.
Girls don't want your spoiling.

Girls want your loyalty.
Girls want your love.
Girls want your encouragement.
Girls want your shoulder.
Girls want your prayers.
Girls want your laughter.
Girls want your staying at home and watching a movie for the 27th time because $10.50 is too expensive for the theater.


:)


you've given me hope :)

here's how I see it. All I ever want from a good christian girl is her heart and love. Is it so much to ask to desire that in return from her? I mean if she believes in roles.... more power to her :) but to lay them as a burden? Thats not how a good marriage is built.


I hope to be a pastor someday.... when I do my marriage counsel to couples regarding this issue will be "make sure your on the same page, Paul outlines gender roles and i do agree with that.... but it is not to be a burden and if this simply will not work for you? You can graciously discard it.... but to the woman? Please don't expect your man to make a certain amount of money. To the man? Please don't expect your woman to be the perfect cooker and cleaner and babysitter you hope her to be..... take Paul's words as a guide, not as a command.... but most important stick to the basics..... just love eachother"
 
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Rocklee

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honestly this distresses me. I have come from a very poor family [unchristian as well] and I probably will end up falling in their footsteps..... I just can not make a super lot amount of money and my emotional and mental issues even make working incredibly difficult for me [not impossible mind you].

Now I'm not saying a godly man is a 30 year old man who lives with his mommy. But I will say that some christian men are very very poor..... and over-looked and dismissed.

honestly..... why is this the 1# dealbreaker for christian women? It makes me feel like you want me only for my wallet. It makes me SCARED to make alot of money for fear of attracting gold-diggers who use the "provide for the needs of the family" to excuse their selfishness. If this is really all it comes down to is money? I think i'd rather not marry.

thoughts?

This post made me feel a little sad for all the guys out there who feels this way.

Girls want security, that's we why have to be capable, to be able to provide not only for them, but possibly for their family, and most importantly for the future (children), when the time comes you'll probably learn to understand how important it is to have some financial security in order to survive. So rather than wait for that day to come, prepare! Talk to a few guys who has been there, seek advice, prayer, get active. A confident looking fellow is a positive one, the right girl will notice.
 
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welshman

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I had this nonsense thrown at me in a previous relationship by my ex-girlfriends family.

Dude...just remember...you are there to supply a family with their needs...not wants. Big difference. If your wife wants a life of luxury then tell her she is going to have to do a days graft aswell. I do agree that man should be the one who goes out to work and earns an income when there is a child in the family. However, I do think...and this does not go for everyone because that's just silly...I do believe there are some women in the Christian community that would be well content to just sit around and not work while the husband works all the hours God sends.
 
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SonicBOOM

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This post made me feel a little sad for all the guys out there who feels this way.

Girls want security, that's we why have to be capable, to be able to provide not only for them, but possibly for their family, and most importantly for the future (children), when the time comes you'll probably learn to understand how important it is to have some financial security in order to survive. So rather than wait for that day to come, prepare! Talk to a few guys who has been there, seek advice, prayer, get active. A confident looking fellow is a positive one, the right girl will notice.

right right thats common advice :) but to be honest..... I can't help but notice if it doesn't consider the good men who have tried their best and life hasn't turned out quite how they wanted. I mean really? How much money does a man have to spend to buy marriage? See how absurd this question is?

I think the idea of being financially secure before marriage is very much... well.... American. To have the very American-Christian belief that you have to make a certain amount of money for marriage disqualifies the poor.... the poor all of a sudden are just not allowed to marry. besides a marriage foundation ought to be God right? I've heard stories of people who got married in a financially secure foundation..... but life threw them a curveball and they are more poor than they ever would've dreamed. They did all the right things and did nothing wrong.... but.... like Job..... sometimes life just sucks. Bad things happen to good people

The point here is they see their trail as "a test from God". They use it to strengthen their marriage.

my point is this.... we want comfort..... we will do absolutely, undeniably, anything to get it...... it's sinful and wrong..... certainly not a foundation for marriage.
 
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Stravinsk

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I had this nonsense thrown at me in a previous relationship by my ex-girlfriends family.

Dude...just remember...you are there to supply a family with their needs...not wants. Big difference. If your wife wants a life of luxury then tell her she is going to have to do a days graft aswell. I do agree that man should be the one who goes out to work and earns an income when there is a child in the family. However, I do think...and this does not go for everyone because that's just silly...I do believe there are some women in the Christian community that would be well content to just sit around and not work while the husband works all the hours God sends.

:thumbsup:
 
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welshman

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I'm not trying to have a pop at anyone...I guess there might be some thinking I was having a go at women on here maybe, but in all honesty I wasn't. Very few women have such a selfish and greedy attitude in Christian circles like I mentioned.

In my particular case, my ex-girlfriend lived in a $250,000 house with her parents (which had something like approx 14 rooms, a double garage, and very big garden). They had 2 cars, a truck (granted they weren't brand new or anything expensive)...her mother didn't work, her dad was a lecturer at their local Bible college. It was almost like stepping into a perfect sub-urban home.

To cut a long story short...she wanted to live over here in Wales (that was what she was convicted of...so she said lol)...When she came here, she wanted to have a country home in the sticks as much as possible...so somewhere like the "common" looking over Pontypridd made her eyes light up. We went for a drive over the mountain and she asked me if there were any homes here we could purchase.

Property over here is expensive in any case...but these homes cost at least £250,000 which is $500,000 in your money. She then explained she only wanted to work 20 hours a week at the most LOL :doh:Taking into account we both feel like we want to go into the ministry...how on earth did she expect for me to provide enough money for a home like that?!:doh::D

I just think in the majority of those cases you are talking about dude, the women involved may have had a lot of things handed to them on a plate. They may have lived a pretty sheltered life, just like my ex-girlfriend who grew up on a farm in the Mid-West, went to a school of about 30 pupils and wanted the "perfect" quiet little life serving in the ministry with no stress of living in the real world.

Again...I think these cases are rare. Very rare. I would like to think that most women realise that things are not handed to you on a plate...especially around here where the heart of the industry was ripped out by the Tory party in the 80's when the mines were shut. I have no problem and think it is Biblical for a man to be able to provide for his family.

That doesn't mean having to provide everything his wife wants. God provides everything that we need when we step out in faith.

Sometimes I think some people need a little dose of reality and the real world because a small percentage in the ministry and Christian homes (especially Fundamental Baptist from experience) have no idea what the real world is like.
 
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Labayu

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Property over here is expensive in any case...but these homes cost at least £250,000 which is $500,000 in your money.

Try living anywhere near London! I live just outside and house I lived in before moving to my current place less than a year ago went on the market for £300,000 (I was renting it)... for £300k you get a 3 bed terrece house in a slightly doddy but not actually dangerous part of town, the smallest back garden you ever saw, no front garden and a parking permit so you can park in the road... if you could actually ever find a space!

I was shocked when a friend in Manchester told me a littl while ago that he'd bought a detached house in an ok area 40 mins away from the city in a small town... coz he was doing temp work defo no more than £15k a year max, and his girlfriend was working minimum wage in a supermarket... and their managing a mortgage up there!

Trust me, wages may be lower but you've got the good end of the deal up your way!!


right right thats common advice
smile.gif
but to be honest..... I can't help but notice if it doesn't consider the good men who have tried their best and life hasn't turned out quite how they wanted. I mean really?

Yeah, but the girls/their families often don't see any reason to consider those guys. They'll never say that they shouldn't get married. Just not to them/their daughter. To be fair if they think their daughter can get a good man who can also provide and whose life hasn't been a disapointment then why should they think that she should end up with a good guy who can't provide and whose "life hasn't turned out quite how they wanted"?

I had this nonsense thrown at me in a previous relationship by my ex-girlfriends family

And despite what I said above, I've had that too from an ex-gf'sfamily. I almost broke up with her over it 'coz she felt it was completely normal for the father of a 26 year old to give the "you need to provide for my daughter" talk... despite the fact that I was earning almost double what one of his son-in-laws was earning... and that I was spending more than he tithed on transport to see his daughter every week... and that I was planning on moving to be closer and had set up a job interview for a position I would have easily got which would have given me a lot bigger salary despite the fact that I would have been moving from London to a place where wages were a heck of a lot less :doh:
 
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LadyL

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I do not look for money at all. Stephanie Amber basically summed it all up for me.

As far as a gold digging mentality? I don't have that either. My current job is below "poverty" level, however I am at the happiness I've ever been at a job and feel like the Lord really blessed me with this job.

If a woman shows disinterest in you because of your income status, then maybe she's not the right woman for you. And you really are better off knowing that upfront.
 
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CrusaderKing

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A lot of the motivation for what I do is so I can be in a position to provide for a future family. I want to know that I have the means to be able to contribute to the needs of my family. One of these days, I'll be set up so I can do that. I'd have a really hard time doing that right now on a grad student's salary.
 
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