- Jun 16, 2016
- 322
- 370
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- United States
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- Married
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Hello everyone,
A few months ago I started having severe panic attacks which was triggered on by my OCD/rumination thoughts and going too hard for too long with school which resulted in me not properly taking care of myself. This was due to lack of time and mishandling by the university. I also didn't realize that I was needing medication for my OCD after using a natural route the help my disabilities such as ADHD and anxiety. I neglected my OCD care, since I thought that the other two was the major issues and I later discovered that it was my OCD. My family doesn't understand it at all, which they are also controlling and abusive.
I was in the mental health department lobby when I discovered that my appointment with my therapist was a phone appointment. She wanted to talk about my issues with parental abuse right then while my dad was sitting there and I made her aware of that and she wanted me to go ahead and tell her why I ended up on the bus during a psychiatric episode. I was experiencing very high anxiety and stress due to my disabilities. I blurted out what my dad did in the past that was abusive. I was hysterical and the whole lobby was staring at us. Soon after this, I was having to live with my parents due to having severe panic attacks and suicidal thoughts/fears of suicide. I have let go of school temporarily and broke up with my boyfriend for the time being. While living with them, my parents and sister were bullying me,verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusing me. They didn't understand my situation, therapy, my disabilities, anxiety, etc. I was afraid of moving back in with my parents and they were making it so much worse. My mental state went plunging and I had no where else to live while this was happening. I eventually ended up back at my place where I was still filled with paranoia, due to having mental issues, mental exhaustion, and past trauma from abuse.
While staying at my place, I got a phone call from my aunt who told me that I needed to get over being abused. She said that my mom saw something on Facebook, though I'm not sure if that part was true. My therapist reported my parents before and I ended up telling my boyfriend who may have told my mom, but I'm not sure. She also kept asking me what was going on with me and was wondering if my boyfriend was hurting me which he wasn't. I then told her that my therapist had reported my parents to CPS/APS and she was shocked. I told her this later finding out that it was a huge mistake. I was able to trust her for years to not tell my parents my business that I had been sharing with her until what happened.
My dad shows up at my place shortly after this; I was going somewhere that day, but my dad had stopped me from going. When I tried walking to my car, he pulled out his van and started driving near me, blocking my path, and in an angry voice started yelling at me to get in. I was terrified and my anxiety was already at its highest that it had ever been, so I just got in. My dad drove me to their place and told me that I had to help them at their house. I had to cancel my plans with my boyfriend or friends that day, since I knew that my parents weren't going to let me leave and I was without my car. Later, my mom woke up and said that she wanted us to go out to lunch. I went with her and I was having relationship anxiety on top of this at the time and so was my boyfriend due to traumatic past experiences with exes. He had a fear that I was cheating on him. I asked my mom if I could take a picture of us and after I took it, she asked why. With how bad my anxiety was I told her that I did this so, my boyfriend didn't think that I was cheating on him. She freaked out expecting that he was hurting me and threatened to have me live with them. I was so upset and anxious that I paid and left the place. She followed me to my car and tried taking my phone, but I threw it inside my car and locked the door. I tried calling the police department, since I wasn't sure if this would really be considered a crime yet, since I didn't want to get in trouble, I didn't call 911 in case they didn't consider that it an emergency yet. When I called and told the receptionist my situation, she told me that I just needed to grow up. I waited for my mom to leave the parking lot for awhile and she wouldn't. I tried driving to a nearby location, but the parking lot was full and then, I just headed over to my place. She was there waiting and followed me to my place and forced her way in when I unlocked the door. I sat on my floor and told her that I wasn't going with her. She lifted me off the ground by my arms and told me to "pack my f-ing bags now!" and was threatening me. I went into my room panicking and I locked the door, she almost broke my door knob trying to break in. I was so terrified that I just did what she said. She took me back to the house where they verbally tormented me until they finally took me home.
I tried escaping several times, but every time I did my mom stopped me. I even tried leaping out the window of their one story house. She caught me as I was leaping out and pulled me back inside. My boyfriend tried getting me, but when he came to get me, my mom held onto me and wouldn't let me leave the house while my dad told him that I wasn't coming with him. My dad kept mocking me telling me to "take another pill!". Which the pills he was having me take, he had me doing in a misusing manner, since they were not supposed to be taken daily. I eventually started to feel strange with my heart rate and breathing noticeably slowing down. I tried telling him that something didn't feel right and he got so close to me that our bodies almost touched and he kept telling me to take the pill. He wouldn't listen and didnt let me move until he saw me take it. The pills made me super tired and loose lipped. I wasn't totally in my right mind at the time and I called my boyfriend while talking to my dad to show my boyfriend how controlling my dad is, while doing so I started shouting cuss words and empty threats at my dad. My boyfriend and his family were appalled and he broke up with me shortly after, since his parents no longer approved of me and he didn't want to be with anyone that his parents didn't approve of, though he had stayed with his ex whether his parents like it or not. He didn't want to make the same relationship mistakes that he did last time, so he followed his parents wishes. I eventually tried escaping by bus, but the bus driver recognized me from the psychiatric episode that I had a few weeks prior from then and she kicked me off of her bus.
I was talking to my aunt on the phone while all the while she was telling my parents things that she was supposed to keep private. She also wanted me to move in with her which she had been talking to me about for years. We decided that maybe now is the time for me to just go for it, since my family was acting strange, my boyfriend had left me, my medical provider was denying me access to my medication and acting strange/possibly denying me services, I wasn't in school due to having to improve on my mental health, my lease was about to be up, and nobody was understanding me or helping me. I feel like nobody understands my disabilities which makes everything more difficult. We talked about how I could live with her, get well at my medical provider over where she lives, get a job, and work to pay off my school debt. So, I canceled school and changed my lease agreement. I also told them that my aunt wanted me to visit her for spring break and we planned that I would end up living with her that way. So, they let me go to my place and packed my bags My parents saw something strange in my bags which got them suspicious and they stopped me. My anxiety and stress were so high during this it felt like my stomach was going to explode. When I told my dad about changing the lease and the sudden school charge, he was angry. When I told him that I was going to sign the lender's document and wasn't returning to school, he erupted. The next morning he yanked me out of bed and made me get ready. He took me outside and I told him terrified that I wasn't going with him and he pulled me into his van and threw me into the seat. He sped all the way to my therapist's office and demanded the staff to get her asap. We went into her office and he told me to tell her what I told him. I was petrified at this point and tried telling her what was going on. My dad sped home and gripped about me breaking up with my boyfriend previously before this, and trying to make me feel guilty which didn't make sense, because they wanted me to break up with him anyway.
That night my mom caused me to have a massive panic attack on purpose and I told my parents that if they didn't take me to the hospital that I was going to kill myself. My mom ended up taking me home and telling me that everything was going to be ok. When we got to my place, she took my phone, said that she knew I was up to something, and that she was going to do something really bad to me. For some reason, I had a fear earlier that that she was going to steal all of my groceries which was what I blurted out. She ended up stealing all of my groceries and medication. She came over to me and pinched the back of my neck which was hurting from my panic attack. My stomach, neck, and head were killing me from the panic attack, so she attacked me when she knew that I was unable to defend myself. Before leaving she handed me back my phone and told me not to do anything stupid.
I wanted to kill myself, I knew that I needed to call the hospital or go there. I was too afraid to go to the hospital and too afraid to kill myself, so I called my aunt who slammed the doors on me when it came to me moving in with her, plus my parents found out that I was trying to run off. She also admitted that she was the one who told my parents that they had gotten reported by my therapist to CPS/APS. I also called my boyfriend who I ended up getting back with.
Sometime after this my aunt found out all of the horrible things that I said/did to my parents and she said that I deserved everything that happened to me and that they believed that I was lying and faking this to either run away with my boyfriend or to not finish school. Also, a part of her anger didn't make sense, since she orchestrated me secretly trying to move in with her, which caused my parents tons of stress upon them starting to pick up on it, but since she thought I was lying and faking it, I guess she thought it was for not.
Everyone thought that I was lying and faking it, since I kept blurting out my fear that everyone would think that I was lying and faking it when I wasn't. Why would they think that after all of these years of honesty that I would lie to them, let alone something this serious? I really was telling them the truth that I need help when it came to my mental health. Sometime later, they discovered after a blowout and conversation with my boyfriend that I was telling the truth the whole time.
During the time all of this was going on:
I was also experiencing a lot of relationship anxiety along with all of my other issue. I couldn't stop thinking about school and my new relationship which I was courting in. I eventually had the issues stated above happen. I eventually found myself thinking of ways in how he would stay. If I kept giving him different situations to help me with then he may never leave me and we can live happily ever after. Unfortunately things started to become all too real as my mental state was already bad and it was plummeting with the added new stress of a relationship on my plate and my mind kept wheeling about it which caused to the stress. It was also my first courtship in a long while. I wanted to start a courting, since I wanted to stay pure for Christ along with my partner. While staying at my parents I was able to see my boyfriend, but I was oversharing about my therapy with him, by saying my therapy and it's method outloud which really upset my boyfriend. He didn't know what to do or think of it. He was also becoming very distressed over hearing about how I was wanting to commit suicide or having thoughts of suicide. I thought at the time that if I just let out whatever my mind was thinking that it would eventually drain of all of these thoughts and my symptoms would reduce or go away. Unfortunately, they didn't and everything became worse. I eventually found myself unable to stop saying what I was thinking. I had lost control of my thoughts and mouth whereas nobody understood. I was having a hard time understanding and controlling my disabilities at the time especially with the high anxiety and stress. I had hurt him, his family, my family, and myself with my words, anxious, as well as negative thinking. I told my family, his family, and him that due to this they can say whatever they want to me, since I can no longer control my tongue or thoughts. They also all said very cruel things to me not believing that I was having heighten mental issue at the time. After him and I got back together after he broke up with me over winter break, his parents had a talk with me. They told me that what I said to their son and what I did to my parents was wrong. That I should have never said certain things to him including that I shouldn't have said anything about suicide and my therapy to him. They also added that they don't care about what happens to me and that they only care about their son which confirmed what my mom told me years ago about how the only person who cares about me and that no one else ever will. On top of this his family didn't believe me that my parents were abusing me. They made me apologize to them for lying about my parents abusing me and admit that what I did to my parents was wrong. I apologized, but I wasn't lying about the abuse and unfortunately I had to lie to them about the abuse part in order to regain their approval and to go back out with their son.
Aftermath: Months after all of this God has brought everyone and everything back together, He turned everything around. My family, boyfriend, his family, and therapist. Everything is going much smoother and in a righteous direction and walk with God. There is no other way to explain rather than to say that it is Jesus and can only come and be from Jesus. I'm still seeing the same therapist which makes me nervous, but we'll see how it goes. I'm still having to take a break from school, since I was continuing to have severe panic attacks. I have my medication and am taking it daily again. Everyone believes me or believes again on all subjects. My parents bought their new AC again and my sister bought new clothes.
But I'm still in need of prayer since:
I have started over with the same therapist and she is telling me that I need to get a job again to become independent of my abusive/controlling parents, while I'm still in the midst of having my mind rest and dealing with my disabilities/mental health. I'm afraid that what happened last time with her and my medical provider is going to happen again. I won't be able to get my family, boyfriend somewhat, or his family involved like last time, because it didn't work out with that well either other than his family recommending their private therapist.
A few months ago I started having severe panic attacks which was triggered on by my OCD/rumination thoughts and going too hard for too long with school which resulted in me not properly taking care of myself. This was due to lack of time and mishandling by the university. I also didn't realize that I was needing medication for my OCD after using a natural route the help my disabilities such as ADHD and anxiety. I neglected my OCD care, since I thought that the other two was the major issues and I later discovered that it was my OCD. My family doesn't understand it at all, which they are also controlling and abusive.
I was in the mental health department lobby when I discovered that my appointment with my therapist was a phone appointment. She wanted to talk about my issues with parental abuse right then while my dad was sitting there and I made her aware of that and she wanted me to go ahead and tell her why I ended up on the bus during a psychiatric episode. I was experiencing very high anxiety and stress due to my disabilities. I blurted out what my dad did in the past that was abusive. I was hysterical and the whole lobby was staring at us. Soon after this, I was having to live with my parents due to having severe panic attacks and suicidal thoughts/fears of suicide. I have let go of school temporarily and broke up with my boyfriend for the time being. While living with them, my parents and sister were bullying me,verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusing me. They didn't understand my situation, therapy, my disabilities, anxiety, etc. I was afraid of moving back in with my parents and they were making it so much worse. My mental state went plunging and I had no where else to live while this was happening. I eventually ended up back at my place where I was still filled with paranoia, due to having mental issues, mental exhaustion, and past trauma from abuse.
While staying at my place, I got a phone call from my aunt who told me that I needed to get over being abused. She said that my mom saw something on Facebook, though I'm not sure if that part was true. My therapist reported my parents before and I ended up telling my boyfriend who may have told my mom, but I'm not sure. She also kept asking me what was going on with me and was wondering if my boyfriend was hurting me which he wasn't. I then told her that my therapist had reported my parents to CPS/APS and she was shocked. I told her this later finding out that it was a huge mistake. I was able to trust her for years to not tell my parents my business that I had been sharing with her until what happened.
My dad shows up at my place shortly after this; I was going somewhere that day, but my dad had stopped me from going. When I tried walking to my car, he pulled out his van and started driving near me, blocking my path, and in an angry voice started yelling at me to get in. I was terrified and my anxiety was already at its highest that it had ever been, so I just got in. My dad drove me to their place and told me that I had to help them at their house. I had to cancel my plans with my boyfriend or friends that day, since I knew that my parents weren't going to let me leave and I was without my car. Later, my mom woke up and said that she wanted us to go out to lunch. I went with her and I was having relationship anxiety on top of this at the time and so was my boyfriend due to traumatic past experiences with exes. He had a fear that I was cheating on him. I asked my mom if I could take a picture of us and after I took it, she asked why. With how bad my anxiety was I told her that I did this so, my boyfriend didn't think that I was cheating on him. She freaked out expecting that he was hurting me and threatened to have me live with them. I was so upset and anxious that I paid and left the place. She followed me to my car and tried taking my phone, but I threw it inside my car and locked the door. I tried calling the police department, since I wasn't sure if this would really be considered a crime yet, since I didn't want to get in trouble, I didn't call 911 in case they didn't consider that it an emergency yet. When I called and told the receptionist my situation, she told me that I just needed to grow up. I waited for my mom to leave the parking lot for awhile and she wouldn't. I tried driving to a nearby location, but the parking lot was full and then, I just headed over to my place. She was there waiting and followed me to my place and forced her way in when I unlocked the door. I sat on my floor and told her that I wasn't going with her. She lifted me off the ground by my arms and told me to "pack my f-ing bags now!" and was threatening me. I went into my room panicking and I locked the door, she almost broke my door knob trying to break in. I was so terrified that I just did what she said. She took me back to the house where they verbally tormented me until they finally took me home.
I tried escaping several times, but every time I did my mom stopped me. I even tried leaping out the window of their one story house. She caught me as I was leaping out and pulled me back inside. My boyfriend tried getting me, but when he came to get me, my mom held onto me and wouldn't let me leave the house while my dad told him that I wasn't coming with him. My dad kept mocking me telling me to "take another pill!". Which the pills he was having me take, he had me doing in a misusing manner, since they were not supposed to be taken daily. I eventually started to feel strange with my heart rate and breathing noticeably slowing down. I tried telling him that something didn't feel right and he got so close to me that our bodies almost touched and he kept telling me to take the pill. He wouldn't listen and didnt let me move until he saw me take it. The pills made me super tired and loose lipped. I wasn't totally in my right mind at the time and I called my boyfriend while talking to my dad to show my boyfriend how controlling my dad is, while doing so I started shouting cuss words and empty threats at my dad. My boyfriend and his family were appalled and he broke up with me shortly after, since his parents no longer approved of me and he didn't want to be with anyone that his parents didn't approve of, though he had stayed with his ex whether his parents like it or not. He didn't want to make the same relationship mistakes that he did last time, so he followed his parents wishes. I eventually tried escaping by bus, but the bus driver recognized me from the psychiatric episode that I had a few weeks prior from then and she kicked me off of her bus.
I was talking to my aunt on the phone while all the while she was telling my parents things that she was supposed to keep private. She also wanted me to move in with her which she had been talking to me about for years. We decided that maybe now is the time for me to just go for it, since my family was acting strange, my boyfriend had left me, my medical provider was denying me access to my medication and acting strange/possibly denying me services, I wasn't in school due to having to improve on my mental health, my lease was about to be up, and nobody was understanding me or helping me. I feel like nobody understands my disabilities which makes everything more difficult. We talked about how I could live with her, get well at my medical provider over where she lives, get a job, and work to pay off my school debt. So, I canceled school and changed my lease agreement. I also told them that my aunt wanted me to visit her for spring break and we planned that I would end up living with her that way. So, they let me go to my place and packed my bags My parents saw something strange in my bags which got them suspicious and they stopped me. My anxiety and stress were so high during this it felt like my stomach was going to explode. When I told my dad about changing the lease and the sudden school charge, he was angry. When I told him that I was going to sign the lender's document and wasn't returning to school, he erupted. The next morning he yanked me out of bed and made me get ready. He took me outside and I told him terrified that I wasn't going with him and he pulled me into his van and threw me into the seat. He sped all the way to my therapist's office and demanded the staff to get her asap. We went into her office and he told me to tell her what I told him. I was petrified at this point and tried telling her what was going on. My dad sped home and gripped about me breaking up with my boyfriend previously before this, and trying to make me feel guilty which didn't make sense, because they wanted me to break up with him anyway.
That night my mom caused me to have a massive panic attack on purpose and I told my parents that if they didn't take me to the hospital that I was going to kill myself. My mom ended up taking me home and telling me that everything was going to be ok. When we got to my place, she took my phone, said that she knew I was up to something, and that she was going to do something really bad to me. For some reason, I had a fear earlier that that she was going to steal all of my groceries which was what I blurted out. She ended up stealing all of my groceries and medication. She came over to me and pinched the back of my neck which was hurting from my panic attack. My stomach, neck, and head were killing me from the panic attack, so she attacked me when she knew that I was unable to defend myself. Before leaving she handed me back my phone and told me not to do anything stupid.
I wanted to kill myself, I knew that I needed to call the hospital or go there. I was too afraid to go to the hospital and too afraid to kill myself, so I called my aunt who slammed the doors on me when it came to me moving in with her, plus my parents found out that I was trying to run off. She also admitted that she was the one who told my parents that they had gotten reported by my therapist to CPS/APS. I also called my boyfriend who I ended up getting back with.
Sometime after this my aunt found out all of the horrible things that I said/did to my parents and she said that I deserved everything that happened to me and that they believed that I was lying and faking this to either run away with my boyfriend or to not finish school. Also, a part of her anger didn't make sense, since she orchestrated me secretly trying to move in with her, which caused my parents tons of stress upon them starting to pick up on it, but since she thought I was lying and faking it, I guess she thought it was for not.
Everyone thought that I was lying and faking it, since I kept blurting out my fear that everyone would think that I was lying and faking it when I wasn't. Why would they think that after all of these years of honesty that I would lie to them, let alone something this serious? I really was telling them the truth that I need help when it came to my mental health. Sometime later, they discovered after a blowout and conversation with my boyfriend that I was telling the truth the whole time.
During the time all of this was going on:
I was also experiencing a lot of relationship anxiety along with all of my other issue. I couldn't stop thinking about school and my new relationship which I was courting in. I eventually had the issues stated above happen. I eventually found myself thinking of ways in how he would stay. If I kept giving him different situations to help me with then he may never leave me and we can live happily ever after. Unfortunately things started to become all too real as my mental state was already bad and it was plummeting with the added new stress of a relationship on my plate and my mind kept wheeling about it which caused to the stress. It was also my first courtship in a long while. I wanted to start a courting, since I wanted to stay pure for Christ along with my partner. While staying at my parents I was able to see my boyfriend, but I was oversharing about my therapy with him, by saying my therapy and it's method outloud which really upset my boyfriend. He didn't know what to do or think of it. He was also becoming very distressed over hearing about how I was wanting to commit suicide or having thoughts of suicide. I thought at the time that if I just let out whatever my mind was thinking that it would eventually drain of all of these thoughts and my symptoms would reduce or go away. Unfortunately, they didn't and everything became worse. I eventually found myself unable to stop saying what I was thinking. I had lost control of my thoughts and mouth whereas nobody understood. I was having a hard time understanding and controlling my disabilities at the time especially with the high anxiety and stress. I had hurt him, his family, my family, and myself with my words, anxious, as well as negative thinking. I told my family, his family, and him that due to this they can say whatever they want to me, since I can no longer control my tongue or thoughts. They also all said very cruel things to me not believing that I was having heighten mental issue at the time. After him and I got back together after he broke up with me over winter break, his parents had a talk with me. They told me that what I said to their son and what I did to my parents was wrong. That I should have never said certain things to him including that I shouldn't have said anything about suicide and my therapy to him. They also added that they don't care about what happens to me and that they only care about their son which confirmed what my mom told me years ago about how the only person who cares about me and that no one else ever will. On top of this his family didn't believe me that my parents were abusing me. They made me apologize to them for lying about my parents abusing me and admit that what I did to my parents was wrong. I apologized, but I wasn't lying about the abuse and unfortunately I had to lie to them about the abuse part in order to regain their approval and to go back out with their son.
Aftermath: Months after all of this God has brought everyone and everything back together, He turned everything around. My family, boyfriend, his family, and therapist. Everything is going much smoother and in a righteous direction and walk with God. There is no other way to explain rather than to say that it is Jesus and can only come and be from Jesus. I'm still seeing the same therapist which makes me nervous, but we'll see how it goes. I'm still having to take a break from school, since I was continuing to have severe panic attacks. I have my medication and am taking it daily again. Everyone believes me or believes again on all subjects. My parents bought their new AC again and my sister bought new clothes.
But I'm still in need of prayer since:
I have started over with the same therapist and she is telling me that I need to get a job again to become independent of my abusive/controlling parents, while I'm still in the midst of having my mind rest and dealing with my disabilities/mental health. I'm afraid that what happened last time with her and my medical provider is going to happen again. I won't be able to get my family, boyfriend somewhat, or his family involved like last time, because it didn't work out with that well either other than his family recommending their private therapist.
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