- Dec 22, 2017
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If you have a quirky sense of humor & a bit of time to kill, then this is the story for you! So I have a friend named Chase, one of those really good friends, where we can have some very serious & some stupendously stupid conversations together! Here's the latest; it's a story I made up on the fly, and I think you'll really appreciate it!
Some background: He asked what I was doing, and I told him that I was writing my own obituary, an assignment that I have to do for my class Theology of Death & Dying.
In my first draft, I said that I died on a rooftop in Milwaukee, in a tragic rubber chicken incident.
It involved 3 nuns, a chainsaw, and 13,000 drunk chihuahuas all barking at the same cow.
I told him he had to be there understand...he insisted on hearing the story....prepare your wild imagination, this is a trip!
----------------
It was a dark and stormy night...
In the distance, police sirens could be heard.
There was an odd feeling in the Milwaukee air that night.
(I'd give more detail on the setting, but I've never actually been to Milwaukee; don't ask why I chose it for a location)
I was partying on the rooftop, and like any proper party, there were some nuns with a chainsaw that joined me.
I think my aunt was one of them...
Anyway, we were enjoying some holy cookies, jamming out to the wonderful polka music of The Whistle Pigs, when a chihuahua happened to show up.
No one brought the chihuahua...the nuns didn't know anything about it, I didn't know anything about it, and Sir Pig Whistling I didn't know anything about it (but he wasn't convincing when he said it).
Then the chihuahua multiplied.
Not like it laid eggs or anything; it was more like bacteria splitting in two.
Repeatedly...
It gets pretty strange after that!
So here I was, having a good time on a rooftop in Milwaukee, noticing the strange air & the oddly mutating chihuahuas, but I wasn't too worried about this.
After all, nuns were involved, and Lord knows what happens when too many of them get together!
So the nuns had this bright idea that a rubber chicken would be a good way to handle this escalating situation of multiplying chihuahuas.
So using the rubber chicken, they slapped around the chihuahuas for a good 5 minutes, the pulled out the chainsaw to make 2 rubber chickens out of the 1!
Unfortunately, that didn't go too well...
...for anyone but the nuns.
And some random bystander in a pink camoflague helicopter that thought all of this was the funniest thing he had seen all year.
To make it more interesting, he decided to drop a cow in the party.
(Please don't ask why the cow was in the pink helicopter with him; when I asked the man where the cow came from, he just told me that it came from it's mother)
So the cow jumped down, and just kind of sat there, as cows are wont to do.
Meanwhile, The Whistle Pigs are really tearing it up on their hit song, "You Can't Drink Beer When You're Dead", when they noticed that something strange was going on.
But when they saw the cow, they decided not to have one, and so they moved on.
The nuns were feeling victorious about the whole situation, as they were thoroughly enjoying their new game of playing ping-pong with mutated chihuahuas, using the rubber chicken halves as paddles, when something strange happened.
All the chihuahuas noticed the cow...at the same time!
They proceded to bark at it.
And when oddly mutating chihuahuas bark, they oddly mutate even faster!
Now the chihuahuas were barking, and multiplying, with new chihuahuas coming out of the mouth and ears and nose and toenail clippings of all the previous chihuahuas!
(You have to read that last part in a really excited voice)
And the chihuahuas just kept stacking on top of each other, there was so little room for so many chihuahuas!
A bored census worker was there, so he decided to put his skills to use....he counted 13,000.
And since they were all so energetic, with such an odd personality, and the wine was nowhere to be found....
Well, we had a bit more than a handful in our hands!
So, we did the logical thing, and called the police..."Arrest these chihuahuas!"
But we found out that the sirens we heard earlier--remember the sirens?--meant that the entire City of Milwaukee police force, the entire Milwaukee County police force, and the entire State of Wisconsin police force were all doing a massive raid on some Wise Guy Commander!
So, the Capital Police sent a scary black helicopter from DC to sort the whole mess out.
I guess when you have 13,000 wildly mutating drunk chihuahuas on a rooftop in Milwaukee, with chainsaw- and rubber chicken-wielding nuns laughing the whole time, that gets the attention of the FBI.
Hmm.
So as we were over there, dancing the polka & drinking a case of Dr. Fartface's Famous Spiked Milk, the cow started to have a cow.
Not literally; that would've been messy.
So the chihuahuas, oddly organized that day, all decided to bark at the cow...at the same time!!
Fortunately, oddly mutating drunk chihuahuas are exceptionally rythmical, and they provided a nice backbeat to The Whistle Pigs' newest song, "Beer is a Drink that has Way Too Many Polkas to its Name".
The nuns were startled at this.
They couldn't believe that beer had too many polkas named after it; they thought there weren't enough!
So, in a fury of holy (ish) anger, they put the chainsaw in reverse, put the rubber chicken halves back together, barbecued the cow, shot the innocent bystander that has no business being in this story anyway, threw a large keg of spiked milk off the rooftop & into the sunroof of a police motorcycle, and hurled the rubber chicken---straight into my mouth.
That, my friend, is how I died in a tragic rubber chicken accident, on a rooftop in Milwaukee, with 3 nuns, a chainsaw, 13,000 drunk chihuahuas, and a bunch of other crap I just made up, all being involved in my untimely demise!
You gotta admit, that's not a bad way to go!
Some background: He asked what I was doing, and I told him that I was writing my own obituary, an assignment that I have to do for my class Theology of Death & Dying.
In my first draft, I said that I died on a rooftop in Milwaukee, in a tragic rubber chicken incident.
It involved 3 nuns, a chainsaw, and 13,000 drunk chihuahuas all barking at the same cow.
I told him he had to be there understand...he insisted on hearing the story....prepare your wild imagination, this is a trip!
----------------
It was a dark and stormy night...
In the distance, police sirens could be heard.
There was an odd feeling in the Milwaukee air that night.
(I'd give more detail on the setting, but I've never actually been to Milwaukee; don't ask why I chose it for a location)
I was partying on the rooftop, and like any proper party, there were some nuns with a chainsaw that joined me.
I think my aunt was one of them...
Anyway, we were enjoying some holy cookies, jamming out to the wonderful polka music of The Whistle Pigs, when a chihuahua happened to show up.
No one brought the chihuahua...the nuns didn't know anything about it, I didn't know anything about it, and Sir Pig Whistling I didn't know anything about it (but he wasn't convincing when he said it).
Then the chihuahua multiplied.
Not like it laid eggs or anything; it was more like bacteria splitting in two.
Repeatedly...
It gets pretty strange after that!
So here I was, having a good time on a rooftop in Milwaukee, noticing the strange air & the oddly mutating chihuahuas, but I wasn't too worried about this.
After all, nuns were involved, and Lord knows what happens when too many of them get together!
So the nuns had this bright idea that a rubber chicken would be a good way to handle this escalating situation of multiplying chihuahuas.
So using the rubber chicken, they slapped around the chihuahuas for a good 5 minutes, the pulled out the chainsaw to make 2 rubber chickens out of the 1!
Unfortunately, that didn't go too well...
...for anyone but the nuns.
And some random bystander in a pink camoflague helicopter that thought all of this was the funniest thing he had seen all year.
To make it more interesting, he decided to drop a cow in the party.
(Please don't ask why the cow was in the pink helicopter with him; when I asked the man where the cow came from, he just told me that it came from it's mother)
So the cow jumped down, and just kind of sat there, as cows are wont to do.
Meanwhile, The Whistle Pigs are really tearing it up on their hit song, "You Can't Drink Beer When You're Dead", when they noticed that something strange was going on.
But when they saw the cow, they decided not to have one, and so they moved on.
The nuns were feeling victorious about the whole situation, as they were thoroughly enjoying their new game of playing ping-pong with mutated chihuahuas, using the rubber chicken halves as paddles, when something strange happened.
All the chihuahuas noticed the cow...at the same time!
They proceded to bark at it.
And when oddly mutating chihuahuas bark, they oddly mutate even faster!
Now the chihuahuas were barking, and multiplying, with new chihuahuas coming out of the mouth and ears and nose and toenail clippings of all the previous chihuahuas!
(You have to read that last part in a really excited voice)
And the chihuahuas just kept stacking on top of each other, there was so little room for so many chihuahuas!
A bored census worker was there, so he decided to put his skills to use....he counted 13,000.
And since they were all so energetic, with such an odd personality, and the wine was nowhere to be found....
Well, we had a bit more than a handful in our hands!
So, we did the logical thing, and called the police..."Arrest these chihuahuas!"
But we found out that the sirens we heard earlier--remember the sirens?--meant that the entire City of Milwaukee police force, the entire Milwaukee County police force, and the entire State of Wisconsin police force were all doing a massive raid on some Wise Guy Commander!
So, the Capital Police sent a scary black helicopter from DC to sort the whole mess out.
I guess when you have 13,000 wildly mutating drunk chihuahuas on a rooftop in Milwaukee, with chainsaw- and rubber chicken-wielding nuns laughing the whole time, that gets the attention of the FBI.
Hmm.
So as we were over there, dancing the polka & drinking a case of Dr. Fartface's Famous Spiked Milk, the cow started to have a cow.
Not literally; that would've been messy.
So the chihuahuas, oddly organized that day, all decided to bark at the cow...at the same time!!
Fortunately, oddly mutating drunk chihuahuas are exceptionally rythmical, and they provided a nice backbeat to The Whistle Pigs' newest song, "Beer is a Drink that has Way Too Many Polkas to its Name".
The nuns were startled at this.
They couldn't believe that beer had too many polkas named after it; they thought there weren't enough!
So, in a fury of holy (ish) anger, they put the chainsaw in reverse, put the rubber chicken halves back together, barbecued the cow, shot the innocent bystander that has no business being in this story anyway, threw a large keg of spiked milk off the rooftop & into the sunroof of a police motorcycle, and hurled the rubber chicken---straight into my mouth.
That, my friend, is how I died in a tragic rubber chicken accident, on a rooftop in Milwaukee, with 3 nuns, a chainsaw, 13,000 drunk chihuahuas, and a bunch of other crap I just made up, all being involved in my untimely demise!
You gotta admit, that's not a bad way to go!
