[A Cocaine Problem] The biggest Mistake of My Life!... The Road to Recovery!

[SparkyKarl]

[This is My Confession, My Letter to God... Open Heart]​

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I have no one to talk to because it's like the dirty little secret in my life that no one knows about. For the past 3 weeks my life took a dramatic and dangerous turn down a dark and horrible road. I let Cocaine enter into my life for the past 3 weeks when I swore I would never touch it. I've over-come many addictions in my life and every year feels like a new struggle with something new trying to drag me down and enter into my life... These past 3 weeks have felt the furthest I've ever felt away from God to point where I couldn't bring myself to pray, I felt disgusted with myself. I haven't touched Cocaine for over 3 days so far, it was purely a weekend thing when I went out with somebody who I thought was my friend, but I know now that friend was a Devil in disguise. I've struggled with cravings and a lot of psychological torture resisting the temptation these past couple of days but I'm starting to feel better and closer to God once more. I've never felt anything as powerful as what Cocaine does to your mind, it literally hijacks it... If I could turn back time I would never have touched it. My mother currently is suffering with Cocaine addiction and I was always Ignorant but now I understand her feelings and the strangle hold it can have on your mind.

I feel like I've let God down, myself down, and I feel really disgusted with myself for what I've done, almost to the point of tears. My Bible remains untouched for many weeks because I can't bring myself to pick it up due to the utter disgust I feel within myself. I pray and hope God will forgive my sin and iniquity. There was never a time when I was snorting that white powder that I didn't feel that tug on my heart that what I was doing was wrong, God was talking to me, but I ignored him because I wanted pleasure more then God. I've cut ties with that person who I thought was my friend. I know Cocaine is not for me, it's not the life I want. I've committed my life to God for the past 7 years or more and it's not been without trials and tribulations and this has been the biggest test for me yet.... But I do wonder why God allowed me to entered into that dark road and why he didn't strengthen me in faith to resist this devil that entered into my life!

I'm shocked that I let drugs enter into my life once again. I only tried Cocaine 3 TIMES but the after effects (Depression, Anxiety, No Money... ) are enough for me to never want to touch it ever again! Sorry about the rant, I just need to get this off my chest... It's my letter to God, a confession and release from my mind.

 

[Petros2015]

Look for some recovery fellowships like Narcotics Anonymous near you (though a lot of addicts in my area prefer AA and there is cross-membership). Meetings and the fellowship with others who know what addiction is and battle it can help. And you can help them too. Working the 12 Steps of Recovery is basically a disciplined, Christian, sober walk if you want it to be. It's there for you.

https://www.na.org/admin/include/spaw2/uploads/pdf/litfiles/us_english/misc/How it Works.pdf

Maybe God let you be an addict, so you can work with other addicts

Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

 

[SparkyKarl]

Just an update that I did relapse.. Two (2) times. But now I'm 7 Days Clean of today's date, and hoping that I finally get delivered this time. I thought my faith was strong, but it's not as strong as I thought it to be. But I know the LORD is with me and I will beat this devil in my life.

Blessings to all.

 

[SparkyKarl]

Since my above comment I did relapase, unfortunately, one more time. It's getting less but the more important discovery on this road is that even at my lowest times I still felt God speaking unto my heart.... My faith always remained and I knew that God was to finish his work that he started.

Praise be all to God, the Father who strengthens me, who causes me to grow, and Christ's relentless pursuit and love I feel in my life in the darkest of times.

Blessings to all.

 

[Petros2015]

Since my above comment I did relapase, unfortunately, one more time.

Prayer is good, but take tangible action too. Faith without works is a good way to wind up destroyed or dead in addiction. Move like your life depends on it, it does. Get some #'s of contacts that are clean and sober you can reach out to when you feel the puppet strings pulling. Delete #'s of dealers if you have any in your phone - if these relapses have been with that 'friend' you mentioned in the first post, you HAVE to cut them off. Join a recovery homegroup and go to it regularly for support and renewed determination. Get a sponsor who has been there and work the 12 Steps of Recovery. Your weakness can eventually be a strength that helps you to reach others. But you've gotta determine you want to get through it yourself first.

 

[SparkyKarl]

Just a small update: 4 WEEKS clean so far since my last posting... The Lord has been good to me and my prayers have been answered. God is giving me the strength through our Lord Jesus Christ I just need to remain strong now.

God bless everyone! Stay strong in the Lord.

 

[SparkyKarl]

8 WEEKS CLEAN NOW! Still going strong.

 

[Traveling teacher]

Hreat comgrats
Make sure to be involved in a strong church and have older men pray for you on a continual basis
Grace and peace

 

[ChadTheHoser]

8 WEEKS CLEAN NOW! Still going strong.

Hey Sparky, thank you for your post. I went through the EXACT same thing, especially with the relapses. I Currently am working through my last one.
Your post was moving and honest. Thank you for sharing. You helped me probably more than it helped you. (As service does)
Thank you,
Chad

 

[SparkyKarl]

This will probably be my last update unless anything changes but as of now I'm still CLEAN.. Going on 12 Weeks+ now.

All glory and praise be to the LORD who strengthens me.

 

[Dave-W]

This will probably be my last update unless anything changes but as of now I'm still CLEAN.. Going on 12 Weeks+ now.

All glory and praise be to the LORD who strengthens me.

 

[SparkyKarl]

So it's been the best part of more then half a year.... I felt the need to update this thread with my progress. Unfortunately, i did relapse (ONCE) and that was on New Year Eves of (2017/18) from this point onwards I have been clean. (All glory to God). 7 Months and counting. It's not been without it's trials tho, and I've certianly dealt with my fair share of cravings and old friends trying to drag me back into the devils play-pen. I'm still dealing with other certain sins in my life but I'm confident within time the LORD will see me through.

 

[Traveling teacher]

great praying for you bro

whome the son has set freee is free indeed