A Christian and a non-Christian -- best friends?

[Brushstroke]

My friend Amanda has a friend named Jessica. They consider each other best friends, hang out all the time, share each other's food, etc. Thing is, Jessica is a devout Christian. I mean, there is nothing that could convince her that Christianity is wrong and she tries to follow her religion to the best of her ability. Amanda, on the other hand, is an atheist. She has had a rough life too. She's been involved in a lot of drugs, been homeless through most of her teenage years. She's now trying to lay off the drugs, she's living with my friend Coltara, she and I have started job-hunting together, she's going to college. Anyway...

It's come to my attention that Jessica has said many times that she thinks Amanda's lifestyle is immoral and that she's not a good person. And we get the impression that Jessica thinks she can "save" Amanda. After a fight recently, I think Amanda and Jessica are finally realizing that they can't be friends in the long-term because of their differing worldviews.

My question here is primarily for Christians but I'd like to know what non-Christians think too.

For the Christians: What do you think about severing a friendship based on your religious beliefs? Shouldn't you just accept a person as they are? Do you believe that being someone's friend for the sake of saving them is right? Would your convictions that your god takes precedence over your loved ones cause you to shun people out of your life?

For the non-Christians: No specific questions, but I'd like to see your input too.

"Do not think that i have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will b e those of his own household. Whoever loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." - Jesus, Matthew 10:34-37

 

[ToHoldNothing]

I have a multitude of friends with varying religions, even a friend that I consider one who was a significant influence in my conversion to Buddhism who has converted to Wicca. Two other Wiccan friends and Christian friends I still have many discussions with. We can agree to disagree and still maintain friendship by other common interests, not unlike Aristotle's basic idea of friendship.

 

[Supreme]

Of course. Religion rarely comes up as a topic of conversation between me and my atheist/Muslim/agnostic friends, unless I'm telling them off for blasphemy.

 

[Eudaimonist]

Value conflicts of that sort can make friendship next to impossible unless at least one of the two is willing to compromise and show tolerance for the values of the other.

Close friendship (roughly: Aristotelian character-friendship) may be impossible under such circumstances, since that involves a significant degree of agreement on basic values. But lesser forms of friendship are still possible.

I wish Jessica and Amanda the best of luck, but there are no guarantees that they can make a friendship work.


eudaimonia,

Mark

 

[KIYX]

You can't be friends with someone who doesn't respect you as a person.

 

[awitch]

I have friends of various religions but the topic of religion doesn't come up very often. It's hard to comment specifically on your friends, not actually knowing them.

I suppose Jessica is expressing her concern, which is a good thing, but if she frames it in her religion the way it sounds, it's not surprising it is pushing Amanda away.

 

[merryheart]

I have many friends of varying religions and varying value systems. The closeness of the friendship depends on how well we are able to hear the other person and discuss variances without offense and how well each is able to accept and portray acceptance in the relationship. With some, I avoid topics that cause dissension - especially in work situations. With others, I freely openly and honestly discuss both ideas and behaviors, and they feel free to do the same. I find that this is a very healing thing when it can happen between a christian and someone who feels that they have been hurt by christianity. I have caused several of these situations even at work by chiming in when the christian bashing starts (happens a lot) and i will be quiet for a while, but eventually say - you know, you are talking about me when you say....

For the Christians: What do you think about severing a friendship based on your religious beliefs?

I think it is sometimes necessary to break off friendships that lead you back into an addiction or a behavior that you have given up for the sake of God, health, emotional health.... but the reason Jesus gave for leaving us in the world was to affect the world. wont be doing that from a monastery

Shouldn't you just accept a person as they are?

learning to accept others, and enjoy them, respect them, learn from them in spite of differences is a sign of maturity and emotional health

Do you believe that being someone's friend for the sake of saving them is right?

true love and friendship does not have an agenda

Would your convictions that your god takes precedence over your loved ones cause you to shun people out of your life?

the way we can show our love for God is to love one another.

all this doesnt mean that as a christian I should be silent about my faith, but if you really care about someone and their eternal destination you will be praying about effective, timely, loving communication. getting in someone's face about things when it isnt appropriate, or done in an unloving or accusatory fashion is more likely to turn them permanently away from God than it is to gather them.

 

[Jane_the_Bane]

I doubt that I could establish a strong friendship with a person whose outlook, values and beliefs run contrary to my own. I could still value them as a person, tolerate their right to pursue their path (as long as it doesn't result in damage to myself or others), and even spend time with them in a friendly, amiable setting.

But friendship beyond the acquaintance level requires something more than that.
Luckily, there's a wide range of "shared humanity" between most people - it is only extremists that really tick me off, including extremists pursuing values that are similar to my own. Fanaticism of any ilk obliterates that core of "shared humanity" by consciously denying it, pitting adherents of that path against the unworthy rest in a variety of fashions.

 

[Booko]

After a fight recently, I think Amanda and Jessica are finally realizing that they can't be friends in the long-term because of their differing worldviews.

It isn't the differing worldviews, it's the lack of respect for each other's differing worldviews. If both parties aren't up to that, a relationship is difficult to manage.

Look for the first 18 years of marriage my husband was agnostic and I was a Baha'i. We managed because we had respect for each other's worldviews and believed without question in the importance of the individual's investigation of the truth.

If Jessica can't deal with non-Christians any better than this, she needs to keep Christian friends only.

And dealing with someone who is recovering from a substance abuse problem requires a great deal of patience and understanding. Was Jessica expecting to have a roomie without sin or something, because that seems a stretch.

One friend of mine is an evangelical Christian and a devout one. We do talk about religion, but we respect each other. Oh, I'm pretty sure she prays that I and my family will see the light and convert, but she has the courtesy to keep those thoughts to herself. As for prayers, I'm not picky -- I'll take them from anyone. I trust in God to choose what's wisest no matter the wishes of the one who's doing the praying, you know?

 

[Arthra]

Friendship with peoples of all beliefs is enjoined today..

"O friends, consort with all the people of the world with joy and fragrance. If there be to you a word or essence whereof others than you are devoid, communicate it and show it forth in the language of affection and kindness: if it be received and be effective the object is attained, and if not leave it to him, and with regard to him deal not harshly but pray. The language of kindness is the lodestone of hearts and the food of the soul; it stands in the relation of ideas to words, and is as an horizon for the shining of the Sun of Wisdom and Knowledge."

~ Abdul-Baha "A Traveller's Narrative" p. 43

"Wherefore, O my loving friends! Consort with all the peoples, kindreds and religions of the world with the utmost truthfulness, uprightness, faithfulness, kindliness, good-will and friendliness..."
...

~ Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith, p. 445

 

[Ayersy]

It should never be a problem so long as people don't try and convert other people. It's just not the right thing to do. I have friends from various backgrounds, mainly agnostic/Christian. One of my best friends is a strong Christian and we just know not to really talk to each other about it. He has expressed concerns over my heavy drinking before, but that's about it. He knows how I feel about religion, and he knows it's best to steer clear of the subject.

 

[hikersong]

One of my best friends is a strong Christian and we just know not to really talk to each other about it. He has expressed concerns over my heavy drinking before, but that's about it.

Any friend might do that.

 

[Jane_the_Bane]

Any friend might do that.

Indeed.

 

[hikersong]

My wife would count herself as a born again christian and I am, to all intents and purposes an atheist, though I prefer to label myself agnostic. However, we met at bible college when I was a very committed christian and our relationship and marriage was largely based around our mutual Christian faith. So it really should have put a lot of strain on our relationship when I "converted" over a period of time to my present state. Now, there have certainly been stresses on our relationship, but one of the lesser ones has been this change in our relative world views. I suspect this is actually helped by the fact that we are very different personalities and we always thought very differently about many things even when we had a major element of our thinking, christian faith, in common.

Fortunately my wife isn't stressed about by lack of faith at all. She is a practical person who's priorities tend to be more practical. A shared outlook is probably more important to me in fact, but the shared experience of our relationship is something that I have come to value above that. Ours is an odd situation, and I agree that for many people it wouldn't work, but in our case it does. If I can I'll get my wife to comment, though she's not really interested in this sort of idle chit chat.

As for the relationship in the OP, like most relationships based on one party trying to change another, it sounds destined to come to an end. But to be honest an evangelical christian who believes that all non-christians are damned unless they convert could never really be a best friend with one. Some christians even seem to take pride in that fact because they believe this division is thoroughly biblical.

 

[Ayersy]

Any friend might do that.

Aye, that's true. One of my other friends who is a deist also moaned at me about it. I was just merely using it as an example, that's all.

 

[hikersong]

Hi, I am the wife of hikersong and a committed Christian. I believe it is possible to live happily together as an "agnostic" and "christian", but I also believe it may not be so in every case, it depends on a lot of things. In our case when we got together we both believed (and I still do) that it was God's will and we were meant for each other. This believe has kept me going in times of doubt. So first of all commitment is a strong factor, in the case of two girls: do you really want to be committed to that friendship because if you are it can stand a lot of differences. In our case we are very different but we also have a lot in common. Concentrating on the things we have in common is also important. As Hiker mentioned, we have our past in common, our children and relatives and friends, also our love for walking and healthy eating. Also my huband's behaviour is still influenced by a "christian" past and upbringing, therefore his moral behaviour is not different from mine. I suddenly realise that behaviour in every day life has a greater effect on the other person then what somebody believes. When Hikersong was a smoker and a Christian, I had greater problems coping with him and accepting him as he was then now when he is an Agnostic non-smoker.

 

[dlamberth]

At first blush, it looks to me like Jessica's ego has gotten in the way. Which is way to common. Friendship starts and ends with love. Generally speaking, when we think that our God takes precedence over loved ones, what's really happening is that our ego takes precedence. But if love takes precedence, we start to look upon our friends from a different perspective that comes from out heart, not our head. And both our thoughts and actions will become more open, compassionate and loving and a lot less divisive.

.

 

[carmelsnowcone]

I can't really speak for anyone else, but I manage just fine. In fact I have no athiest friends at all. My father has always been stationed in extremely conservative religious areas so I never have had a chance to make friends with like minded people. Both of my current best friends are super religious and center a good chunk of their life around their church, and they are both extremely conservative. I am welcome in both their houses and have even debated with their families peacfully. Heck i even let them try to save me, and in return I try to get them to think critically about what they believe. This isn't just possible but I do it every day and have for most of my life!
Godless heathens can be good friends too!