70 year old Asian Christian father constantly verbally abuses eldest son

[Korean-American Christian]

I encourage you to move out and become more independent. Distance yourself from your father and avoid interaction. Set up some boundaries. If he starts belittling you, say "Thank you for your opinion" and leave it at that. I agree that his behavior is inappropriate but unlikely to change at this point.

Thank you for your reply. I agree with you. At this point, my father's behavior is unlikely to change....

I am actively (and prayerfully) looking for ways to move out.... My plan was to move back to Korea and teach English again. Unfortunately, that plan fell through. (I was born and raised in the United States. After college, I went to Korea and taught English there for 9 years).

Right now, my current plan is to find out whether I can move to Portland, Oregon (I live in California) and attend graduate school there.

 

[timewerx]

have you spoken to your elders about your dad's behavior? what did they tell you?

May not be a good thing to do and could escalate the situation.

It's sad to say, the only way to solve this problem is stop seeing the person causing abuse, at least temporarily.

Especially if a person of authority maybe impossible to reason with. If matters become known to others may cause severe embarrassment to the person in question. You wouldn't want to embarass a 70 year old.

I've been in such situation before.

 

[timewerx]

Actually it sounds consistent with what I know of Korean culture.

Pretty much in most Asian and Jewish cultures. Although in most cases of parental verbal abuse in such cultures, often the cause is money or worldly success. If you fail to become successful in life, expect such treatment. Christians are not immune.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

May not be a good thing to do and could escalate the situation.

It's sad to say, the only way to solve this problem is stop seeing the person causing abuse, at least temporarily.

Especially if a person of authority maybe impossible to reason with. If matters become known to others may cause severe embarrassment to the person in question. You wouldn't want to embarass a 70 year old.

I've been in such situation before.

i suppose if this person is going to the same church where his dad serves then yeah. if not, it would probably help to have someone in this person's life confront them on their behavior. that person might come to realize the error of their actions and may change.

 

[Sketcher]

Thank you for your substantive and rational reply. Since my father is not willing to treat me with respect, I definitely need to set some boundaries of separation. I am prayerfully searching for ways to finally move out of my father's house

Yeah, definitely move out. Don't wait for an excuse. If it's financially feasible, just do it now.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

Yeah, definitely move out. Don't wait for an excuse. If it's financially feasible, just do it now.

Thank you for your advice

 

[Big Drew]

Is it normal for a 70 year old Asian father to constantly verbally abuse his eldest son? My father claims to be a devout Christian, and he is also an ordained Christian minister.

Some background information:
I will be turning 38 this year. I am Korean-American, born and raised in the United States. My father is a 70 year old ordained Christian minister. (Just to clarify....my father was ordained as a Christian minister 20 years ago). I firmly believe that my father is a very legalistic Christian who uses Scripture/the Bible as a weapon of destruction.

Here is a legal definition of verbal abuse:

Verbal abuse is the use of words to cause harm to the person being spoken to. It is difficult to define and may take many forms. Similarly, the harm caused is often difficult to measure. The most commonly understood form is name-calling. Verbal abuse may consist of shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, demeaning, or derogatory language, among other forms of communication.

Perpetrators of verbal abuse often misuse their authority and prey on those in a subordinate position. Victims of verbal abuse are often told they are to blame for the abuser's behavior and reluctant to take action to end the abuse. Verbal abuse may lead to stress, depression, physical ailments, and other damage.

My first wife's mother was Korean and she was very belittling towards my ex. Highly opinionated, and thought that nothing she did was good enough. I believe it's a big part of why she has such self esteem issues, and has never done more with her life...the thought process being nothing I do is good enough so why even try? The best thing that ever happened to my ex was separating herself from her mother...I know that doesn't sound like the best advice, since we're supposed to love our parents...but the only way to stop an abusive relationship is to get away. Pray that the Lord will show your father his error, and he'll make steps to rebuild your relationship...but as an adult, you don't have to just deal with it.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

Pray that the Lord will show your father his error, and he'll make steps to rebuild your relationship...but as an adult, you don't have to just deal with it.

Thank you for the excellent advice. I am seriously considering moving out of state to attend graduate school.

 

[AgapeBible]

The Bible says fathers should not be harsh with their children. Like everyone else said, you need to get away from your father. Your Father has no right to verbally abuse you, even if you have done something wrong, he should be loving and forgiving. But it seems this is some kind of Korean culture thing, and it sounds like a bad part of the culture. God loves you unconditionally, He is the perfect loving father, since your Dad is an ordained Christian minister, he should know scripture about God's love and the parable of the prodigal son, he should be a kind and loving father since he claims to be Christian, not just any Christian but a minister. It seems to be that in America, Asia and all around the world there is a great lack of love. The American media craftily replaces lust for love, the churches become legalistic and hateful getting obsessed with republican politics which are hateful and prejudiced. There are scary crazy hateful murderous terrorists, selfish hedonists drug addicts alcoholics partiers swingers homosexuals depressed suicidal people violent people fighting beating others up, Perverts hurting innocent children, greedy people wanting more. Does anyone know about Godly, pure, spiritual love?

Please continue to love and forgive your father no matter how much he hurts you. I hop eventually he repents and returns your love.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

Please continue to love and forgive your father no matter how much he hurts you. I hope eventually he repents and returns your love.

AgapeBible, thank you so much for your reply.

3 months ago, I was able to finally move out of my father's house.

Although I live 5 miles from my father's house, I have not communicated with my father since I moved out.

My mother says that my father is changing in positive ways, but I am not ready to see my father or communicate with him.

I will continue to pray for the salvation of my father's soul....

 

[Gxg (G²)]

Is it normal for a 70 year old Asian father to constantly verbally abuse his eldest son? My father claims to be a devout Christian, and he is also an ordained Christian minister.

Some background information:
I will be turning 38 this year. I am Korean-American, born and raised in the United States. My father is a 70 year old ordained Christian minister. (Just to clarify....my father was ordained as a Christian minister 20 years ago). I firmly believe that my father is a very legalistic Christian who uses Scripture/the Bible as a weapon of destruction.

Here is a legal definition of verbal abuse:

Verbal abuse is the use of words to cause harm to the person being spoken to. It is difficult to define and may take many forms. Similarly, the harm caused is often difficult to measure. The most commonly understood form is name-calling. Verbal abuse may consist of shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, demeaning, or derogatory language, among other forms of communication.

Perpetrators of verbal abuse often misuse their authority and prey on those in a subordinate position. Victims of verbal abuse are often told they are to blame for the abuser's behavior and reluctant to take action to end the abuse. Verbal abuse may lead to stress, depression, physical ailments, and other damage.

Boundaries comes to mind immediately and it is not acceptable, although people who don't know how to be healthy can never be healthy.

One good book you may enjoy is "Changes that Heal" by Henry Cloud.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

Boundaries comes to mind immediately and it is not acceptable, although people who don't know how to be healthy can never be healthy.

One good book you may enjoy is "Changes that Heal" by Henry Cloud.

Thank you so very much for the book recommendation. I will begin reading it this weekend.

May God bless you!!

 

[Ronit]

Pretty much in most Asian and Jewish cultures. Although in most cases of parental verbal abuse in such cultures, often the cause is money or worldly success. If you fail to become successful in life, expect such treatment. Christians are not immune.

It's true. I'm half Jewish and my Grandma, well whew!

 

[Ronit]

The Bible says fathers should not be harsh with their children. Like everyone else said, you need to get away from your father. Your Father has no right to verbally abuse you, even if you have done something wrong, he should be loving and forgiving. But it seems this is some kind of Korean culture thing, and it sounds like a bad part of the culture. God loves you unconditionally, He is the perfect loving father, since your Dad is an ordained Christian minister, he should know scripture about God's love and the parable of the prodigal son, he should be a kind and loving father since he claims to be Christian, not just any Christian but a minister. It seems to be that in America, Asia and all around the world there is a great lack of love. The American media craftily replaces lust for love, the churches become legalistic and hateful getting obsessed with republican politics which are hateful and prejudiced. There are scary crazy hateful murderous terrorists, selfish hedonists drug addicts alcoholics partiers swingers homosexuals depressed suicidal people violent people fighting beating others up, Perverts hurting innocent children, greedy people wanting more. Does anyone know about Godly, pure, spiritual love?

Please continue to love and forgive your father no matter how much he hurts you. I hop eventually he repents and returns your love.

I totally agree

 

[Ronit]

Is it normal for a 70 year old Asian father to constantly verbally abuse his eldest son? My father claims to be a devout Christian, and he is also an ordained Christian minister.

Some background information:
I will be turning 38 this year. I am Korean-American, born and raised in the United States. My father is a 70 year old ordained Christian minister. (Just to clarify....my father was ordained as a Christian minister 20 years ago). I firmly believe that my father is a very legalistic Christian who uses Scripture/the Bible as a weapon of destruction.

Here is a legal definition of verbal abuse:

Verbal abuse is the use of words to cause harm to the person being spoken to. It is difficult to define and may take many forms. Similarly, the harm caused is often difficult to measure. The most commonly understood form is name-calling. Verbal abuse may consist of shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, demeaning, or derogatory language, among other forms of communication.

Perpetrators of verbal abuse often misuse their authority and prey on those in a subordinate position. Victims of verbal abuse are often told they are to blame for the abuser's behavior and reluctant to take action to end the abuse. Verbal abuse may lead to stress, depression, physical ailments, and other damage.

Dear Korean-American Christian,
I'm not Korean, but I'm Jewish-Christian and your experience is similar to mine when it came to my grandmother, who went to be with G-d many years ago. Even though she was very loving at times and I know she loved me, her tongue was indeed a sword! And it wounded me many times. Prayer, books, and sound Christian counseling have helped me down a road to recovery. It's never easy and the memories will always be there. It's sad, even devastating to a person- verbal abuse. I don't think they(the abuser) quite realize what they do. Family members who abuse like this. But G-d sees all and is willing and more than able to help you and yours through this, as he has done for me.
I hope things get better for you.
Shalom(Peace) to you.
Ronit

 

[Korean-American Christian]

I totally agree

Re: "Please continue to love and forgive your father no matter how much he hurts you. I hop eventually he repents and returns your love"

Ronit, I extend a very warm welcome to CF.


Three months ago, I moved out of my father's house. I am renting a room in a house that is 5 miles away from my father's house.

I am praying for my father. I am praying that our Lord Jesus will show him the incredible love of G-d.

May our Lord Jesus Christ be with you always.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

Dear Korean-American Christian,
I'm not Korean, but I'm Jewish-Christian and your experience is similar to mine when it came to my grandmother, who went to be with G-d many years ago. Even though she was very loving at times and I know she loved me, her tongue was indeed a sword! And it wounded me many times. Prayer, books, and sound Christian counseling have helped me down a road to recovery. It's never easy and the memories will always be there. It's sad, even devastating to a person- verbal abuse. I don't think they(the abuser) quite realize what they do. Family members who abuse like this. But G-d sees all and is willing and more than able to help you and yours through this, as he has done for me.
I hope things get better for you.
Shalom(Peace) to you.
Ronit

Ronit, thank you for your compassionate reply.

Shalom to you, my dear sister.

 

[Ronit]

Thank you very much.
I read you were interested in Portland. I'm from Oregon. It's so green. Where ever you go Shalom my friend

 

[Korean-American Christian]

Thank you very much.
I read you were interested in Portland. I'm from Oregon. It's so green. Where ever you go Shalom my friend

I was born and raised in southern California, and I still live in southern California.

I hope to live in Oregon someday.

You are absolutely right...Oregon is very green.

My mother has a friend who lives in Portland.

When I was a high school student, my family and I took a road-trip up to Canada.

On our way back down to California, we spent one night in the house owned by my mother's friend.

I have a friend who lives in Portland. He is Korean too, and he is a seminary student at Multnomah University.

Shalom to you, my dear sister.

 

[Ronit]

I'm a couple of hours from Portland but I like it! It just can get to be too hectic, being a big city.
It has been kind of tough for me in Oregon. No Messianic Synagogues. But oh well. I still like it here,